The HitchHikers Guide to the SW Galaxy

[Crossroads Inc.]

((The product of one bored day precceding buy listtening to The HHGTTG Audio tapes))

The HitchHikers Guide to the StarWars Galaxy, a Crossover by
Crossroads Inc With material derived by Douglas Adams and George
Lucas.
((cue music“Journey of the Sorcerer”))



The HitchHikers Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the topic of
Crossovers.

Avoid them. They are messy affairs that consumes an authors time
and lead either to a short lived failure or a success that will, inevitably,
only consume more of your spare time. They open one up to both scorn
and ridicule by the requisite fans on either side of a given story.
Consequently, several Sacrifices to the Dark God “Yog-Sothoth” are
advised before beginning.

This naturally has done little to dissuade them from propagating the Sub-
Ether-Net bands and flooding popular SE sites with pages of drivel and
mindless fan ‘wanking’ ((see Guide section 29 page 23654)). It is
small wonder that despite all of the above, the proceeding ramblings are
none the less transposed for a hapless readers amusement.

PART ONE

At long last, things where safe. The planet Krikket was at peace, the
Galaxy was safe, the Universe was safe.

That is at least what most of the residents within the Galaxy believed
when they where told that, moments after the Slo-Time enveloping
Krikket was turned off and the release of the horrible Krikket war
machine was about to once more be unleashed, the whole nasty affair
had been set right by the President of the Galaxy, a resident from the
vicinity of Betelgeuse, a very old man, and two primitive ape decedents.

In truth a number of rather peculiar events has transpired. Marvin the
paranoid android had successfully pacified nearly all of the hideous
Krikket robots. Trillian and Arthur had spoken with HACTAR and later
dispersed him. And Zaphod Beeblebrox, and Ford Prefect, had retired to
the now restored “Heart of Gold”

What was curious is that slightly before Arthur Dent had requested to go
back to return The Ashes ((the burnt remains of a stump symbolizing the
death of English Cricket)) A single remaining Krickket warship had
appeared and destroyed the starship Bistromath before anyone could
board. Forced to retreat to the Heart of Gold, they demanded a very
brash and very stupid thing from the ships computer. Zaphod was
obvious the one behind it.

“Computer!”

“Hi guys! This is Eddi your—“

“Shut up and listen! There’s a Krikket warship out there and we need to
get away from it now!”

“Sounds swell! Where can I take you?”

“We don’t Care! Just take us somewhere the ship can’t get to! Anywhere!”
“You got it!”
“Zaphod Wait! Is that a good id--”

It is at this point that it should be noted that what the computer knew,
and Zaphod did not, is that there is really no place within a Galaxy safe
from a Krikket warship. Obviously, there was only one choice of action.

End Introduction;

On the outer western arm of the Galaxy, a horribly be-weaponed ship
plied seldom-plied paths in deep space. The mighty wedged vessel was
squat, painted a horrible grey, and had a distinct look about it. It was a
distinct look because it left you with a feeling of immense admiration, as
well as an equal sense of impending doom. It was the latter part the
ship did exceedingly well in.

Sadly for this ship, but more importantly it’s captain, it rarely if ever got
to convey a sense of impending doom as it had been relegated to the
vast backwaters of it’s particular Galaxy.

The captain in question was one Thadius Throtmorten. A great important
looking man who had seen much in his many days, though none of it had
been very interesting. He sat in a great dull chair, on a dark bridge,
looking at the black space. He had been looking at that same space for
about a year now, and it was getting to be rather bothersome.

Naturally the odd pirate or unregistered alien would pass by and needed
to be dealt with as paperwork commanded, but very little of importance
truly had transpired. The tall, round, noticeably balding man was
actually tremendously important, as he was the last blood aire of an
ancient line of dark wizards who had long ago plagued his Galaxy. But
that actually has little to do with this story and dose not really need to be
addressed.

What would need to be addressed was that in exactly 32 seconds, a ship
would appear that would have vast and highly Improbably ramifications
upon the Galaxy.

“Captain Throtmoren?” This was spoken rather timidly by a small fellow in
one of the pits lining a great walkway to the Captains chair.
“Yes Ensign Ployee, what is it?” This was spoken rather drolly by the
captain, who overlooked the pits.
“It’s our sensors sir, it says there’s a ship coming, but, it keeps changing.”
“What do you mean changing, the position?”
“No the ship sir, size, mass, shape, speed, It’s as if it where in a constant state of flux.”
“Are you getting a correct reading? Whats going on?”
“I, I don’t know sir, but what ever it is it’s Highly improbable”

Half a second later, 267 Hockey pucks, 17 Bagpipes, 12,953 improperly
marked Butterfly Ballots and a shoe shaped starship emerged from a rip
in probability.


The Heart of Gold had existed from its mighty jump after nearly a day
and a half trapped in Improbabilities. When it emerged the crew had
spent so much time outside the laws of reality that one would think there
had been a few lasting affects upon them. The bridge, which now was
covered in luxurious shag carpeting and pink Fuzzy Dice, was empty
save Arthur Dent, who was only now waking up due to a loud beeping.

“It’s beeping at me, how rude. I suppose I should see why it’s beeping.”
Strangely a screen nearby informed him it was beeping because
someone from a horribly be-weaponed ship wished to talk with him.
Arthur quite naturally assumed he was going to die, and decided to get
things over with by pressing the button.

“I say again! This is Thadius Throtmorten of the Imperial StarDestroyer
Hadoken, I order you to Identify your ship and it’s purpose in this sector
of the Outer Rim immediately!”

Arthur stared at the man for a moment. He didn’t stare at him because
the man, for all intensive purposes looked like a human, Arthur was far
too accustomed with most “aliens” either superficially or completely
resembling humans, but he stared at the man because he seemed to
speak with a British accent. This, quite naturally, evicted a simple
response to the captain’s complicated question.

“Do you have any tea?”

On the bridge of the Imperial warship, captain Throtmorten looked
stunned. He didn’t know what ‘tea’ was, he didn’t know why this starship
appeared spewing so much flotsam into space, but what he did know
was that in all his years no one had ever addressed him, without
addressing him.

“I beg your pardon! But when an Imperial officer questions you, you will
respond!” Thortmorten said, his voice rising slightly. Sadly before Arthur
could regain his wits and answer in a way that would not make matters
worse, Zaphod entered with a fish in his ear, not a Babelfish, which was
in his right ear, but a red hearing.

“Zarking’ey, How long was I out? Monkey boy! What’s going on, who’s the
suite on the screen” Zaphod mentioned, pointing to the captain with one
arm and removing the fish with his third arm.

“Well, I, I don’t rightly know yet. He says he’s from some Empire and
wants to know what where doing, to be honest I’d like to know that
myself.”

“Happy to be of service”
“Arthur, Zaphod, there you are. Woke up covered in yarn and couldn’t
make heads or tails of things, what’s going? Did we escape from the
Krikket ship?”

“I think so, but Monkey boy here says there’s another ship out there
wanting to talk with us.” Zaphod commented as he looked around
“Froom, I really need a drink”

Captain Throtmorton watched this all with growing annoyance. In his
mind there was a natural and precise order to how people responded
when he contacted them. First fear, then panic, then usually either
bribing or pleading followed by disintegration or release, depending on
his mood. He had never encountered anyone who treated him or
importantly his ship, with such indifference. He was beginning to wonder
why when the people on the other side of his vid screen gave him the answer.

“Hey Arthur, just what ship did you say he was on anyways?”

“You’ve got me Ford, a StarDestroyer or something. Though if you ask
me I think destroying a Star is rather silly. Destroying a planet is quite
enough thank you. And where is Trillian?”

“I passed her coming in, she was talking to Slartibartfast, he seemed
upset over something in your luggage.”

“Oh? What was it?”

“Pleasure to open for you”
“Oh sod off you stupid door”

“Marvin Baby! How are you?”

“Dreadful, not that you care much, my whole body aches and I have this
terrible pain in all the diodes in the left side of my body.”

“Um yeh that’s great, but where kinda busy with this guy out here, k buddy?”

“Ok, but I was just talking with the ships computer and it seems a bit
concerned about the ship outside.”

“Oh come on, there’s nothing to worry about! This is the heart of Gold!
Will just fire some Kill-O-Zaps and raise shields!”

Arthur looked to Ford as Zaphod was making “pow pow” gestures with his
fingers. Throtmorten was still trying to figure out if he should be horrible
angered, or simply amused by what he now knew to be a ship that had
no idea who he was.

“Well, you should know the ship doesn’t actually have any weapons, and
our shields where never repaired properly. Also, the ships outside is
roughly as large as a Vogon constructor ship and just as lethal.

Arthur and Ford looked at each other immediately. Zaphod was still
making “pow pow” gestures with his hands, and Throtmorten had decided he had had enough.

“Ensign Mort?”
“Aye Captain?”
“Target them with the Ion cannons, the big ones.”
“Aye Captain!!!”

“Hey you guys! This is Eddi here, and I just want to say what a Thrill its
going to be being shot with you all!”

The rear turrets of the might cheese shaped starship swung forward,
pointing toward the tiny ship hovering just over the bow. Each one spat
forth a horrible blue explosion of energy before the Heart of Gold went
dark and it’s occupants once more unconscious.

[Ace Pace]

Funny stuff.

[Ford Prefect]

Ah, beautiful.

[Crossroads Inc.]

Thank you. This is has been festering in the back of my mind for quite a while and it was good to finally get it down. Im not sure about doing more, I certainly have various ideas all laid out, but I guess it depends on feedback./

[Ace Pace]

Well, we're telling you we like it and we want more.

[Crazedwraith]

Weird. Personelly I'd have prefered some more serious Imperials and I don't tink Marvin would ever say Sod off but still you should write more.

[Elheru Aran]

I'm... intrigued. Keep going.

[LadyTevar]

ooooooookay.... that was weird

[Zed Snardbody]

The idea is good, but you're trying far to hard to make the dialog sound like it should. It feels forced.

[Noble Ire]

A promising start. As others have said, the dialog is a bit uneven, but otherwise, I'm looking forward to more.

[Crossroads Inc.]

A quick note befor plunging into part two. It should be stated that part of the reason some of the writting may seem 'forced' or 'uneven' is primarlly because of the fact that, while I know the universe of HitchHikers backwards and forwards.... Aside from watching the main three SW movies, and owning the ICS books, I really know lamost nothing of the StarWarsvese seeing as how I have never the comics, novels, or various other EU gobbletygook.

As such I've relied heavily upon the Hitchhikers part of things equal things up... Hope it's not too noticble...
<ahems>

The HitchHikers Guide to the StarWars Galaxy, a Crossover by
Crossroads Inc With material derived by Douglas Adams and George
Lucas.
((cue music“Journey of the Sorcerer”))

Far far away toward the great Galactic hub, on a planet so encrusted with
buildings and city-scapes that the last bits of exposed rock are looked
upon as a carnival attraction, a great massive Palace glared out upon
the endless cities.

The palace was, for all intensive purposes, the absolute pinnacle of ego
and grandeur within the galaxy. It towered above all other buildings with
a sense of omnipotence deftly declaring, “Look at me! I am better then
you!” It is small wonder that the vast sprawling Palace was built so,
given it’s grand and powerful owner.

He was an aged and wizened man who could have given the whole Vogon
corporate empire a run for its money when it came to playing politics. He
had after all single handily engineered a series of unfortunate events to
quite easily give him sole power as Lord of the whole of the Galaxy. That
he had done this by setting the whole of the Galaxy at war, playing both
sides against each other and killing untold quad-drillions in the process,
weighed little upon his shrunken shoulders…

What did weigh on him, as he sat in his mighty throne, was that
somewhere, “out there” something had happened, something that he
had not seen coming. And this troubled him deeply.



In a small dark cell, buried in the endless mazes of the Imperial
StarDestroyer “Hadoken” a small figure slowly got up and looked around
the gloomy interior. His name was For Prefect. He didn’t know where he
was just yet, but he had a feeling he didn’t want to. It was quite a
correct feeling to have given as he was held prisoner on a rather nasty
starship. The cell held just one other person, a small ape descendent
named Arthur Dent.

“Ohhhhh,” said Arthur “It’s dark”
“Yes Arthur, it is dark.” said Ford
“Dark… no light…”said Arthur.
Ford looked at Arthur, as best as he could, and shock his head.
“Wait you,, we’ve had this conversation before, it didn’t end well.”
“It didn’t?”
“No it didn’t, we ended up being read Vogon poetry and tossed out an airlock”
“Oh… That sounds rather unpleasant.”
“It was.”

Arthur was about to continue further with this, as was trying to remember
what Ford was going on about, when there came a great noise at the door.

“Prisoner A3295 and A3296, you are ordered to come along with me for
interrogation immediately!” came a great, serious sounding voice.
A moment later a thin door slid open, revealing a white armoured figure.
At first Ford and Arthur looked horrified, for a moment, they thought it
was a Krikket Robot come for them. But a quick look of a rifle instead of
Bat showed otherwise, and they soon felt better.

“Come along now, Resistance is useless.”

“Ford, where do you think there taking us?”
“Quiet now!”
“How should I know Arthur?”
“I said quiet!”
“Well, you ARE a guide reporting, don’t you know all about getting across the Galaxy and what not?”
“I’m warning you!”
“Arthur, I don’t think where in our Galaxy.”

Two quick rifle buts later, Stormtrooper TK-042 was calling for assistance
to help transport prisoners.


Far off in another part of the ship, Zaphod Beeblebrox was recovering
from what was his third rather unpleasant encounter with a stun pistol.

“Oh man! You guys just need to chill, listen I have this fappo drink I know
how to make, just let me out of these cuffs and I’ll go whip us up a few,
what do you say?”

“I would stun you again if I didn’t think you where somehow, slightly
useful to us” a dark suited figure said as he stretched back from behind
a desk. “That you claim to be ‘President of the Galaxy’ is a crime in
itself, that you and your ‘crew’ blatantly disregarded orders from an
Imperial warship is even worse. Where it not the Captain ordered you
alive, I see no reason why you should not already be executed!” The
individual snapped at Zaphod as two guards stood nearby.

Zaphod for his part wasn’t sure what was going on, this was not
surprising as he rarely had an idea of what was going on, but he had
begun to suspect telling them he was President was a rather bad thing.
In his muddled brains, he was trying to think of a way out of things.
Clearly he couldn’t bribe the men, no money, he couldn’t get them
drunk, at least not yet, and his hands being cuffed, all three of them,
gave him few other options.

“You know what, I’ll make up for the whole mess, I’ll tell you, I know this
really fantastic Restaurant, I’ll treat every guy on this ship to the best
dinner ever!”

“Oh? Every person on the ship?” The figure asked incredulously.
“Yeh! It’s not that far actually, just at the end of the Universe is all!”
“Guard? Please shoot him again”


It was sometime after this that Marvin’s boggled circuits reactivated back
on the Heart of Gold. That he was still on the Heart of Gold was notable
as the great white Stormtroopers who had swept through the ship,
completely missed him as they assumed him to be simply a heap of junk
lying on the floor. In this assessment they where not too far off.

The massive Ion cannons that had pulverized the ships systems and
temporally knocked out it’s crew, had done a real number on Marvin. He
rose with a slow clunking sound, his joints hissing as he looked around
the mostly dark ship. The robot ancient beyond measure through tricks
of time, felt, slightly odd. He wasn’t sure what it was because for
99.999^9 of his existence, he had been so miserable that he had failed
to understand any other form of emotion in his muddled electronic brain.

Before he had time to grapple with such new things, a Stormtooper
caught sight of him.
“Hey there, droid! What are you doing here?”

Marvin turned, Droid, this was new to him, as was the white armoured
solder before him.

“I think you ought to know, I’m feeling very depressed today.” This
stopped the Stormtrooper dead in his tracks. Droids, as he knew them,
where simple machines, designed to obey, serve as labour or perform
mundane tasks. They where on no account mean to be depressed. The
Stormtrooper (his name was Adric) had a rather dim view of Droids in
general, he didn’t like them, thought them rather offensive in general to
his understanding of things, and meeting one who professed to being
depressed, seemed to jostle his mind of them all the more.

He was suddenly, for the first time in a long while, actually curious over
it. Was it a trick? Was the droid planning something? Was it
programmed this way to perform some sort of bizarre function? Sadly,
as his mind tried to think of such things, his response was somewhat
lacking.

“Come again?

“I said, I’m feeling very depressed today, not that I would expect you to
care after all, you don’t have my problems, I mean, here I am, brain
the size of a planet calculating out new ways to understand the nature
of existence, and what happens? I get shot by your ship. No it’s not
enough my body is already nearly half as old as the universe itself, no, it
has to be shot up a bit. You know, I have this terrible—“ Adric couldn’t
take it…

“Shut up! By the Emperor! You’re not a Droid, you’re a freak! I don’t
know how the first patrols missed you, but you are to come along
immediately! Everyone on this ship is to be held by the Imperial
StarDestoryer Hadoken for interrogation until further ordered!” The
Stormtrooper barked with much authority. It was one of the few things
he liked about his job, but barking at a Droid didn’t give him quite the
satisfaction it normally would with others. Marvin for his part was
undeterred.

“Is that so? Well you will have to take Eddie along too then, it is part of
the crew after all.” Marvin said drolly.

“Eddie? Who is Eddie?” Adric the Stormtrooper asked.

“Hrraaaa hhhIII ThhhHheerrre” Came a distorted and rather out of
pitched voice. While Marvin had suffered quite a few ill effects from the
massive Ion Cannons,, the ships computer fared far worse, and had only
recently reactivated on it’s emergency back up personality program.

“Is that a computer?”
“If you can call it that, it’s the most insufferable piece of equipment on
this ship.” Adric was going to dispute this bit with Marvin, haveing found
his company rather unpleasant to say the least, when Eddi spoke up again.

I…iii Ayeee!!! MaatTTie.. Thiss ship be Helld in capture!!
EmmmmmmGANccyy! InnnttUDeer DettttttectED!” The computer
shouted as lights began to flash, bits of the Heart of Gold coming to life.
Adric, remembering he was the only one on the ship, and should have
left quite a while ago with the droid, slapped his communicator quickly.

“Alert! I have a situation here with the ship! I need technician and cipher
teams here quickly! Alert, is anyone there!?” Stormtrooper Adric tapped
the side of his helmet, a unpleasant static coming from it as doors closed
around him. He held his Blaster Rifle tightly as he turned to Marivn.

“Whats going on? Tell it to stop NOW!”
“Oh so now you want me to help you? You people, it’s always something
isn’t it. You know, in the time that it would take to try and stop the ship,
I could figure out a method to ending all Galactic hunger?” he said with a
soft voice.

“AarrrrrrVAST! Preserva-va-va-va-TION Mode activvvvvvated!
EmmmerGAncy j-j-j-jump innntiatedddd.”


A few minutes prior to this, Trillian sat in the Captains room, sipping from
a warm drink with Imperial Captain Thadius Throtmorton.

“Yes, they are idiots I know, but you must forgive them, it’s not as
though they knew who they where talking with, and we have been
through a lot after all.” She said putting her cup down.

Captain Throtmorten, who calmed down immensely after shooting the
ship, and subsequently brining it into his vessels hanger, was skepticle at
first when the women had asked to speak with him upon awakening. He
wasn’t sure how she so quickly seemed to grasp the events of what
happened; even to the point of explaining her concerns of how Ion
cannons might affect the Heart of Gold.

“The businesses with these ‘Krikket’ Droids you fled from? Where they
really that grave a threat that your Galaxy was at peril?” he asked her
as he reclined in a great chair behind his desk.

“From what I learned from the galactic Informational Illusion room, quite
so. One planet suddenly springing forth an armada of lethal warships
that plunged the Galaxy into 2000 years of horrid war.” She said almost
plainly. Throtmorten listened intently, the secretive recorder in his room
taking down every word.

“And what of your Galaxy now? Where you successful in keeping these
Robots and their makers at bay?”
“I think so, once Hactar, the computer I mentioned, was dispersed, the
violent nature of their masters should fade over time. The rest of the
people of Krikket, well, you wouldn’t have to worry of them in any case.
And, aside from the one warship that pursued us, I think the rest where
shut down and deactivated.” Trillan finished thoughtfully.

Throtmorten nodded his head. His aged mind was once again alive with
thought. Having been muddled from nearly two years patrolling the
backwaters of the outer room, opportunity had suddenly dropped in his
lap. He didn’t mind breaking Imperial protocol with allowing his Prisoner
out of her cell, must less actually meeting with her. The information she
was giving, if genuine, would be immensely valuable to his Superiors.
Of course, the proof, a ship with a drive unlike anything his technicians
had ever seen, and none seemed able to comprehend, was comfortably
held in his hanger bay.

Or it would have been had at that moment it had not tried to escape. The
blaring Klaxons woke both Trillian and Thadius from their repose.

“Captain! We have a situation! The ship in our hanger has begun to power
up and we have lost contact with the Stormtrooper inside!” Thadius
turned quickly, once more an Imperial captain and not gracious host.

“What do you mean? I was told that ship was fully incapacitated! Where
are all the prisoners?”
“Two are in the infirmary, one is unconscious in interrogation room A-64.
And the last, the last just outside the hanger! The Engineers where
talking with him!”
“Then who is taking off with the ship!?”


YaaaaaaaaaRRR!! Fi-Fi-Five seeeeeeeCOnds to jump! Sh-Sh-Shields
activvvvvating! Eddie spoke as various control panels sparked
dramatically as Marvin turned to Adric. “I think I should warn you, this
won’t be pleasant, I know I won’t enjoy it.[/quote]

[HSRTG]

First post, w00t!

Hilarity ensues once again in the collision (sp?) of HHGttG and SW.

[Noble Ire]

Again, quite interesting, although there were a few typos here and there.

On a side note, you've only seen three of the SW movies Crossroads?

[Crossroads Inc.]

Again, quite interesting, although there were a few typos here and there.

On a side note, you've only seen three of the SW movies Crossroads?

<headbashes> Um duh, right, all 'Six' movies, keep forgetting about the prequils... Oh! and kudos for picking out typos and what-not, let me know where you spot them.

[screamer_3]

This is a great story. Keep up the good work...quickly, if you don't mind