I would like some opinions on two short stories I wrote

[Temjin]

Before I post the stories, I would like to explain something about them. I wrote them in my english class, and they had certain limitations. They each had to be about a certain theme, and couldn't be over a certain length due to the limited amount of pages provided for it. We were also under a time limit. For each story, we had one hour a day for three days to do it. This includes the both the rough draft and good copy. This was all done to imitate the provincial exams.

Now, the first story had the subject of celebration. I'm sure that many of you who are about to read it will notice many inaccuracies in it. I don't care about it. I didn't have time to research it. I wrote it to have emotional impact. If it really bothers you, pretend it happens in an alternate universe.

Without further ado:



Fare well to innocence

People fill the streets, cheering wildly. The car I'm riding in, at the head of the parade, parts the crowd as Mosses must have parted the Red Sea thousands of years ago.

They have a right to celebrate. The war we've been in for the past three years is finally over. Some are already calling it "World War II," but I don't like the name very much. It implies that there might be a World War III sometime in the future, and that is my greatest fear. I would have liked to call it "The Last War," but even I can't be that optimistic.

Why did they make me do this. I don't want to be here. I don't want to celebrate what happened. I can't get that image out of my head. All that death. I was told by the brass that it was required, that it would save hundreds of thousands of Allied lives. But at what cost? If I knew then what I know now, I would have spit in their faces and damn the consequences.

Unwillingly, trying my hardest not to, my mind goes back to that day.

***

My flak jacket feels heavy. I wish I could take it off, but the Japs might still have a few anti-aircraft guns left, so I can't risk it.

The flight has been mostly uneventful. It feels weird after the bombing runs in Germany, where the flak was so thick it blocked out the sun. The brass were finally right about something. We really did have total air control. Well, even a broken clock tells the right time twice a day.

Let's hope their right about the effects of this mission as well. They say this is the mission that will end the war. I sure hope so, I don't think Betty will wait much longer for me.

"Arm the bomb, we're approaching the target," comes the voice out of the intercom.

"Roger," I reply.

I move to arm the bomb. "Little Boy" is such a disrespectful name for it considering the effects it's supposed to have.

Back at my station now, I look through the sights. The city is starting to come into view.

"One minute to target,"comes the voice again.

I continue to look through the sights as houses, factories, and schools pass below me.

Schools! I knew they would be here of course, but the sight still makes me shudder. This is nothing like Germany. Back then, the only things we bombed were factories. The thought of dead kids fills me with second thoughts about this mission.

"30 seconds to target. Bombardier, you have control."

"Affirmative. I have control," I reply.

I've been given control of the plane in case any minute adjustments are needed. Not that it will matter much.

I see the target coming up. Well, not so much a target as a general area to drop the bomb in.

Now!

"Dropping the bomb!" I shout into the intercom.

I quickly look away from the sights as there's a bright flash.

Hiroshima is no more.

The thought of dead kids fill my mind.

***

The crowd continues celebrating. They have a right to celebrate, but I sure as hell don't.

The End




Now about the second.... Well, I'll keep my opinion to my self till after I post it. It had the Subject of Maps.

The Priest of Aleldra

Bang!.... Bang!.... Bang!

'Who would be knocking on my door at this hour?' Lerc thought.

Lerc had just gotten into bed when he heard the banging. It had been a long day for him on his farm, and tomorrow would be just as long. Ever since his son had decided to move to the village and try to become a blacksmith, every day had been long for him. He had tried to convince his son not to go, but he wouldn't listen. Now he was alone.

Bang!.... Bang!.... Bang!

Lerc decided to quite his day dreaming and answer the door.

Bang!.... Bang!.... Bang!

"I'm coming! Just wait!"

Lerc hurried over to the door. Thankfully, his bed wasn't too far away from the door, do he hoped to get there before whoever was on the other side made too many dents in his door.

When Lerc opened the door, before he even had a chance to see who was on the other side, he growled out a "What do you want?" He felt no overwhelming need to be nice to these people, whoever they were. After all, they had come to his farm, uninvited, in the dead of night. The way he saw it, they were already being more rude than he himself could possibly be, even if he tried.

When he finally saw who was on the other side, he realised that it might be in his best interest to be nice to these people. On the other side was a group of three soldiers led by a man who was dressed in a material that Lerc couldn't identify. Judging from the embroidery and multitude of colours, it must have cost a fortune.

"I am a priest from the Temple of Aleldra," the man said. "I require the use of your land, and your services, for the night. I am prepared to pay a fair price."

Lerc knew the request was nothing of the sort. Oh, the offer of pay sounded generous, but it would probably amount to nothing more than a coin or two. And if Lerc had an urge to say no, he was sure the soldiers behind the Aleldrian would "help" convince him otherwise.

He idly wondered if his son helped make their swords.

"I would be glad to help a any servant of Aleldra. May I ask what help a lowly farmer like me could possibly provide you?" Never hurt to butter up a priest.

"A week ago, while mapping the stars through my farsighter, I observed an object in the sky that appeared to be heading right for us. After my seer had a chance to look, she confirmed that it will land tonight, on your very farm. I believe it to be a gift from Aleldra, or maybe even Aleldra herself come to show us the true way! It must be a great honour for it to happen on your land."

Ah, that explained why the priest needed his help. If Aleldra came and found out the owner of the farm she landed on had been mistreated, she might look unfavourably upon the priest.

"It should be here soon," the pries went on. "We best hurry."

Lead the way Holy One."

Lerc walked beside the Aleldrian, with a soldier walking in front and the other two on each side, all carrying lanterns. It made the walking easy going and they arrived at their destination within minutes.

"There! There it is! Can you see it?!"

The priest was wildly pointing at the sky. Lerc thought the gesturing pointless since what he was pointing at would be impossible to miss. A giant ball glowing dully in the sky. He wondered how he could have possibly missed it before.

Suddenly, a rumour he had heard a few years ago entered his mind. A rumour about a distant village and a falling star.

"Uh, Holy one," Lerc started uncertainly. "You said the, um, object was landing right here?"

"Yes, that's right. Right here where we will be the first ones to see it."

"Might I recommend we move off to a safe distance? I've heard of a village where something like this once hap-"

"You mean Satorm?" the priest interrupted. "Obviously Aleldra punishing the followers of Tyrothas."

Lerc did not know what to do. He was pretty sure that the object was not a gift from Aleldra, but the priest was convinced otherwise. And despite the priest's words, Lerc still could not get his mind off of "Satorm."

But he continued to wait. The glowing ball continued to get bigger, but still he waited.

He couldn't take it anymore.

"Holy one, we must leave! We can come back after what ever it is has landed! But please, we must go!"

****

The priest was starting to get angry. Didn't the fool realise how much of an honour it was to be here? For it to happen on his land? No, all the coward cared about was what happened to a village of heretics.

The priest turned around to scream at the coward for ruining this glorious, but the farmer was not there anymore. He must have run off as soon as he finished his gibbering.

The priest didn't care anymore. He was starting to feel quite warm, and whatever was in the sky was making his surroundings glow.

It must be getting close!

The priest looked up at the sky, spread his arms, and... SPLAT!

****

The object stayed still for a few minutes, and then a ramp was slowly lowered. A small vehicle with eight wheels, four on each side, came down.

From speakers on the vehicle, a voice continually spoke: “I come from Earth in peace."

The rover continued down the ramp and started mapping out the surroundings.

The End




Now, while I don't think that the first one was too bad, I hated the second one. I hated it while writing it. I think it's full of plot holes. If I could have thought of anything else, I would never have done that story. So of course my English teacher loved it.

She even had her husband read it. He said that either I plagiarised it, or I am a writer. She told another person about it (either a school secretary or fellow teacher) , and now that person wants to put it in the school newspaper.

Now, am I wrong and my writing is better than I think, or is my English teacher wrong and me being her student is affecting her judgement?

[Sidewinder]

I like the first one. The second one is okay, the ending wasn't what I expected. Considering my own ambitions as a writer, and the fact that I've written similar works in the past-- great minds think alike, eh?-- my advice is to keep writing, and your style will improve with experience.

Overall, I think the stories' strengths are in giving the readers a chance to know what the narrators are thinking, so we'd empathize with them. This is important to the entertainment value of a story-- keep it up.

[Knife]

Structually it works well (the first one) though I have a hard time connecting with the character. I understand the intent, though the massive bombing of Germany (not necessarily factories either) would have played a bigger role in his disgust of war. But that's just my opinion, probably a side effect of writting about such an event.

BTW, Mosses is a name, so should be capitalized.

[Temjin]

BTW, Mosses is a name, so should be capitalized.

Bah, bloody typos. It's been fixed.

Thanks for the comments.

[Knife]

BTW, Mosses is a name, so should be capitalized.

Bah, bloody typos. It's been fixed.

Thanks for the comments.

Well, I'm far from a gramar Nazi, but that one stuck out pretty bad.