Pick's Last Pic of the Thread (p10)

[Dalton]

Your use of color and shading is amazing. I am constantly impressed by your talents.

[Ford Prefect]

Excellent work - I especially liked the kids not knowing who Edge was (at least at first). The Councilors, as whole, appeal to me, even if I do have some trouble imagining Desunius' accent.

[Pick]

Excellent work - I especially liked the kids not knowing who Edge was (at least at first). The Councilors, as whole, appeal to me, even if I do have some trouble imagining Desunius' accent.

Sorry about her accent. I know it's not very good, but everything else I tried ended up sounding like a regional accent and I don't want to pull the "it's a fantasy world but she speaks like a Brit"-type cliche .

As for the kids, well, that's the trouble when you raise people who are too trusting ! Otherwise they probably should have figured out something was reaaaaaally awry.

Thanks for reading!! (since I basically just post it here, so it's good to know there's at least a few people who are interested )

[The Duchess of Zeon]

The Council rules Syvoria, and all councilors are supposedly equal in power. There's no greater monarch, like Llanlleia has. Llanlleians, however, lacking a council system, don't really appreciate the title of "councilor" as much as "Queen", "King", "Prince", etc. Therefore, they give their own titles to important (scary) Syvorians to give it more of a punch.

Ahh, I see. So it's an Oligarchic Republic. Is there a First Among Equals, a First Citizen (Princeps) or a Doge of some sort?

I think Desunius is kind of funny :lol:.

Well, she acts sort of like a cheerful drunk who's really bloodthirsty, but there's also the no-nonsense-strangle-you-to-death for slowing me down aspects!

I know, a couple sentences in there are awful! I went through and proofread this morning. I'll update the new version of it once I'm done (and have a few more pages, since they write much more quickly now that I have a weekend.) I really have no idea why I posted it without doing so, but I'm going to blame random impaired judgement (which is also responsible for some really weird word choices I've been fixing.)

Okay, good. Don't be afraid at somewhat weird word constructs or lexicon, though, it can add a particular element or feel to a story if done properly. I'll re-read it tomorrow and tell you if there's anything else I think still requires work.

Any more things people want me to sketch by the way? :P

Things? Let's see the fortifications of Syvoria themselves.

[Ford Prefect]

Things? Let's see the fortifications of Syvoria themselves.

I agree with the above. It is both very intelligent and potentially interesting.

[Noble Ire]

Things? Let's see the fortifications of Syvoria themselves.

I agree with the above. It is both very intelligent and potentially interesting.

I'm also interested in seeing what a "regular" Syvorian, or a regular Llanllian for that matter, looks like. The doorman perhaps.

[Pick]

Ahh, I see. So it's an Oligarchic Republic. Is there a First Among Equals, a First Citizen (Princeps) or a Doge of some sort?

Not really, no. The ten Councilors are all supposedly exactly equal (though, naturally, that's not true except in the worth of their votes on Council decisions.) If there's a tie on the Council then the Councilor of Fiscal Management gets to decide. The idea is if the decisions isn't backed enough to show whether or note it might be strictly necessary, than the person with the best understanding on how it might affect the financial resources of the nation gets to decide . It's an interesting perk of that position.

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Story update!

In which my second favorite character is properly introduced and there is enough professional-style squabbling for everyone.

This chapter's already longer than the last one. Yeesh.

And yes, despite having cannibals, manipulation of the innocent, violence, and the like, I still consider the story to be humerous. I didn't want it to just be depressing (though that would have been fun to write, too.) I guess I am just that crazy anyway

Feel free to discuss stuff if you want .

(again, bla bla, all characters are mine, story's mine, bla bla)

[Spanky The Dolphin]

Hey, Pick, I don't want to appropriate your thread like this, but I sent you a PM that was partially art-related last week that might have slipped under your radar.

Sorry...

[Noble Ire]

“Oh, I see. Well I think that you are a waste of time, effort, and attention. You’re even a waste of edible resources, and it’s impressive that you could be so immeasurably unprofitable that it’s not even worth the cost to feed you. I mean, given that you are the most nauseatingly cadaverous ass that this world has ever known, it’s a notable accomplishment. You are more than willing to masquerade as something more than a skeleton in a dress when you’re little more than a glorified library clerk. You’re the last, hollow, pathetic husk of an actual person. You look like what you are: the remnants of a man after the world has gorged itself and picked your body clean of flesh.” Then Edge’s mockingly stiff face broke into a grin, “And as you know, I’ve got two votes….”

You're introducing your characters brilliantly, Umber especially. I am a bit interested to hear what became of the other Councilors, but I suspect that will come up in time...

In any event, excellently done. And the humor was certainly was not lost on me. It's hard to imagine any of these characters as actually being "Evil", even Desunius.

[Ford Prefect]

That’s… so hideous, Alder thought, And wearing a black robe, too? The last he needs is a slimming color.

Eheheheheheh. Now that was amusing.

[The Duchess of Zeon]

A Marshal's baton in every knapsack.

[Pick]

Glad the humor's going over well (and yes, I too liked those jokes .) The rest of this segment of the story will be mostly like this: a combination on humor and drama (or, moreover, drama with humor to break it up.) By "this segement" I mean part one (there is a big overlapping arc and it has three parts: Formation, Fortitude, and Foundation.

It writes much better now than it did before, I think, as this was a tremenously difficult story to introduce. I'm going to mention here for the sake of anyone reading this who hasn't read the story that now is actually a perfectly good time to start . A few sentences' summary would be enough to join the fun if you're not interested in wading through eighty pages of text.

I really, really appreciate you people who are reading it . It's very insparational .

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But since people really like the art better...

I'll try to do a normal Llanlleian and Syvorian, and the actual construction things once I've had a chance to think about them better

Here's Caia, who was not going to be an important character whatsoever (she actually wasn't going to show up after the arena scene, ever.) until I realized it made more sense for Ryvara to be more attached to her instructor than her family considering her mentality.



Don't catch this image out of context. Alder was trying to run out of the meeting, which would have gotten him into quite a mess/made into quite a mess depending on how far he went. Edge grabbed his hair and made fun of him, because Edge is like that. I have to be careful where I doodle stuff, sometimes. I once drew a picture of a disembowelment on the back of an English paper .

Also, Edge isn't this much taller (though he's much, much taller than Alder is.) Alder's legs are also going forward, since Edge dragged him backward.



Alder doing what he does best: whining!



And for everyone who was imagining Verdigris' plight, now here's a chibi visual (oh my God, I actually drew an anime sweatdrop)

[Noble Ire]

Alder looks awesome. The look on his face when Edge grabs him is classic.

[The Duchess of Zeon]

I once drew a picture of a disembowelment on the back of an English paper .

That is quote material.

[Ford Prefect]

Nice art once again - I really like the Verdigris pic, but that probably because I like her as a character - anyone who can make Edge shut up is always appealing, which is probably why I think Umber is cool.

[Kuja]

Alder's thought processes remind me of a bulldozer: a little on the slow side and none too agile, but crushing any obstacle in its way until it reaches a conclusion. Gotta give him some respect for standing up to Edge, even just a little bit. Poor guy's just so far out of his league...

[Pick]

Thanks again, Noble Ire and Duchess !

I really like the Verdigris pic, but that probably because I like her as a character - anyone who can make Edge shut up is always appealing, which is probably why I think Umber is cool.

I like her a lot as well (and I actually don't like all my characters. I'll try to keep you guessing which for a bit.) She and Umber are basically the only two characters who are willing to take significant stands against Edge. Why is this, you think? I mean, all Councilors are supposedly equal....... I think probably my favorite part of the whole story is the backstory piece that explains it in full. Unfortunately, that entire tale won't come for a while (but a very important piece of it will. The "what" not the "how".) Just bear in mind that in a nation based largely off of fear, sometimes there's a reason that people let others have their way. Umber is also awesome .

Alder's thought processes remind me of a bulldozer: a little on the slow side and none too agile, but crushing any obstacle in its way until it reaches a conclusion. Gotta give him some respect for standing up to Edge, even just a little bit. Poor guy's just so far out of his league... Laughing

I feel sorry for Alder . Ryvara is willing to believe whatever she's told. Shader is so underdeveloped (intentionally --that's forced upon the Marked) in his reasoning that he'll go along with anything because he doesn't understand why he should or should not do things. Alder? Alder has lived in a world built of trust and obedience. He follows commands exactly, and, Hell, for shortcuts he walked through people's houses he didn't even know. That's a pretty crazily trusting society. Now he understand he's being lied to and told to do things he shouldn't, and unlike the other two, actually has been instructed as to why that's dangerous. Trying to wade through lies when actual exposure to them is foreign and make actual decisions when he's never had to before........ sucks . Oh yeah. He is so out of his league .

[Kuja]

Umber is also awesome .

After reading the full chapter, I really must agree. His final line as he's heading out the door is just perfect: precise, clipped, and cutting. It fits him like a hand to glove. And is 'WTF?' reaction to Shader is worth a grin. In fact, he's probably my favorite non-Edge council member at the moment; he strikes me as the most realistic: a little past his glory, stuck in a bad situation, but still hanging on and throwing his (figurative) weight around. ( )

Desunius falling out of her chair literally made me laugh out loud. Still trying to figure out her accent though, didn't get what she was saying until I tried reading a few lines out loud.

And I feel bad for Verdigris. I hope Syvoria has hair dye, because she's going to go gray right quick running interference between Edge and Umber like that. Poor girl might want to consider trimming her nails too, after that little mishap. *chuckles*

Looking forward to any pictures of Darius and Kesyl since, to my memory, we haven't seen them yet.

Keep it up!:mrgreen:

[Pick]

Thanks a ton, Kuja ! Verdigris' having to keep civility between Edge and Umber is going to get even worse ... I'll try to get a decent picture of Kesyl and Darius up at some point. Their designs are the newest, so I haven't had time for any good pictures of them in the updated designs!

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CHAPTER 3: If You Don't Mind...

Here's the newest chapter . We get some more introduction to basic character relationships, a bit of cuteness, and a lot of motivational explanation . It's a less serious few pages I've done; it'll get back to some more dire aspects soon (whee!)

... and a lot of Verdigris

BTW, if Verdigris'... ability to handle Edge in awkward situations seems strange, bear in mind that:
1. People in this world do not operate under the same social codes we do and:
2. She's associated with him for an extremely large amount of her life and
3. Verdigris is essentially unflappable


The next update will immediately begin on the next day, at which point I offically consider the introduction to be over .

[Noble Ire]

A great deal of foreshadowing in this one, eh?
Edge certainly seems better established as a villan now, moreso than after his "snack" at least, although I can't really guess at his true motives. Verdigris is similarly complex.

I think it is quite remarkable that you've been able to keep you characters so involving, in spite of how often we can read their inner thoughts. I am really looking forward to this tale's true "beginning".

[Kuja]

*reads*


Alder SERIOUSLY needs to start reigning in that imagination of his. He's going to wind up with an ulcer at 21 at the rate he's going.

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Verdigris gave a short laugh, which did not seem to be rich in true amusement, “He tells me what to do and I nag at him ceaselessly.”

Shader seemed to consider that for a moment, holding his finger to his lips. “You’re married?”

ROTFLMAO! Oh gods, my sides! Oh, I love you Shader.

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As to the rest of the conversation, wonderful dialogue. Shader continues being his adorable self and Verdigris reveals an interesting new side to herself.

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Hmmm, there's a lot more to Hyral than meets the eye too. I wonder if that accountant persona is just a shield for her real self, or is this baiting little imp the fakeout? Or are they both real, as if two sides to the same coin? (heh, I bet she'd like that analogy) I'll be eagerly watching for more of her.

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Ryvera's so deep in Edge's pocket and amusingly enough, he doesn't seem to realize what a crush she has on him. This situation would almost be cute if the stakes weren't so high.

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And another fascinating conversation reveals yet another side of Verdigris...she's acting much younger than she did in the chamber or with Alder, which really validates her description of the relationship between her and Edge.

And Edge gets serious as well. There's some real development there as we get to see the logic and motivation to his decisions and the lengths he's willing to go to get his way. Suddenly, he's a hundred times more deadly than we previously believed.


Wonderful, wonderful work, Pick. Your characters are as real as they are individual, and that is skilled writing indeed.

[Ford Prefect]

“Hot water, cold water, hot water, cold water,… maybe this won’t be so bad, after all!”

That is so very awesome. Oh, and Edge needs to get a right kicking. Seeing Verdigis crush him with her comments near the end of the conversation was well worth it, I must admit.

[Dalton]

That picture of Edge grabbing Alder is very...disturbing to me. I feel sorry for him. Brava, Pick Always good when your art inspires an emotional reaction.

[Pick]

A great deal of foreshadowing in this one, eh?
Edge certainly seems better established as a villan now, moreso than after his "snack" at least, although I can't really guess at his true motives. Verdigris is similarly complex.

Oh yes, lots and lots of foreshadowing in this chapter . There's also been some hints about stuff that won't be important for a really long time in earlier chapters, but these few pages are thick with important information.

Edge? Villian? Why would you say that (:P)? Edge is very highly respected in Syvoria, and complies perfectly with the societal values. He is, by Syvorian standards, an excellent guy. He acts within the boundaries of acceptable behavior, is personable, is strong, and is a very good leader. Even if it was openly known what he did to the four other Councilors, he would get at most a tiny bit of flack (mostly for Drex.) All in all, he's very well regarded. Bear in mind, nothing Edge does (except in Umber's case) is really done to hurt anyone else: it's done to help himself.... and selfishness is completely condoned in the Syvorian nation . If you've got the strength to back it up, that is .

Besides,...


(bah, this was a hard scan to get. My new scanner's still a whore...)

To be fair, I consider absolutely no character in DC to be a villian, but some are still bastards/jerks .

As for Verdigris, well . She is complex if nothing else. She's one of only three characters I consider to have an acceptable level of backstory. Eventually you'll find out more about tons of stuff that was implicitly and explicitly hinted about her (explicitly hinted- her apprenticeship in more detail, implicitly- what it took for her to have so many traits... that kind of thing.) I have to be careful not to do too much with her.

I think it is quite remarkable that you've been able to keep you characters so involving, in spite of how often we can read their inner thoughts. I am really looking forward to this tale's true "beginning". Wink

Thank you very much! I've never really tackled a story like this before, so the task is extremely daunting. Knowing that I'm doing it at least decently is very helpful, and I can't stress enough how happy I am you read it. This is the only place I share this story, really (even including IRL) so I really value your comments .

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Kuja:

Yes, poor Alder . Alder has... troubles. Definitely more so than the other two, but what can I say? No one said it was going to be easy! He just needs some time... and a lot of Valium. I actually like Alder a lot, because he's so easy to victimize .

Shader is cute . I'm fond of him, and I think he makes a good central character to the story (well, that's still my intent but there's a bit more branching off than I expected that I'm going to need to be careful to monitor.) He is so noncommital in his views that he gets a good general perspective . Also, unlike the other characters, he's willing to give everybody a clean slate and doesn't particularly tick anyone off. As you can tell, most of the other characters already have problems with at least one other person .

Hyral is, in fact, quite fun as well . She's definite sharp, but her real personality? Well, I guess we'll have to see... after all, Edge wanted the best and the brightest. I wonder that that entails in Syvoria... .

Yes, Ryvara has a really weird crush on Edge. It's half cute and half enormously disturbing, which as far as I can tell is Dark Councilors in a nutshell . Edge, usually so brilliant in such regards, I can assure you, did not anticipate such a reaction from any of his Llanlleian targets .

As for Edge and Verdigris, I will say this: despite their tiffs and their little snits, are friends as well as professionally allied. It just manifests itself interestingly. Both Edge and Verdigris act very differently in each other's company than when anyone else is near.

And if you think Edge is deadly now...


I'm really glad you like the story! I'm trying to keep it nice and coherent, and I'm going to have a lot of fun now that I'm into the body of the first part (acclamation and character development.) Hopefully it'll continue to suit your fancy, as I am most tickled to have people who like to read what I write . Thanks again!

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Ford:

Every character gets their kickings now and then, even Edge. Nobody's invincible....

And yes, if anyone has the capacity, will, and opportunity to give Edge some grief, it's Verdigris. Not because she doesn't like him, she does, but iI'll consider it in her nature .

Also, great thanks to you for keeping up with the story ! I'm going to try to keep fairly regular updates and get things into high gear with my spare time .

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Dalton:

If Alder inspires pity, then he is being portrayed accurately . He is a very wise choice of someone to feel extremely sorry for. Poor little guy!

Thanks much!

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And now, for random curiosity and a bit of a laugh: How did I get these names? (there's always a way...) I'm famously bad at choosing names, so you'll get a view into why some things are named, well, stupid names .

Edge was the first named character, named at four in the morning as I was explaining the core of the story to a friend of mine. I went for the first noun I could find... guess who got the second .


Shader's last name was random, but Edge's last name is Argus, the Greek monster with shitloads of eyes all over him. Verdigris was named after the G85 Copic Marker color, Umber from the E29 color "Burnt Umber".

Alder Sitka is brilliantly named after the sitka alder, a native tree here in Oregon whereas Kesyl is named from a gift shop in the city I go to school in. It's spelled "Kessel's", though. Her last name is actually the last name of a kid at my school.

Hyral was gotten through one process I like to use to get names: taking a noun/name and switching out letters until it sounds okay. I started with the word "Hydra" for no particular reason. In the same vein, Desunius is "Vesuvius" but with the v's replaced because they're a letter I feel I use too much. Hyral's last name is a combination of "SEIdl" and "woyTEK." Cookie for the joke involved in that. Adrasteia (Desunius' last name) is a Greek name as well which I believe means "doesn't retreat." If not, I don't care. It sounds cool. Darius is named after a famous King of Persia, and his last name is a Fortune 500 company (Praxair) with the first two letters changed.

Ryvara's name was done by switching out letters but I don't remember what I began with....

Hoquer was the first name that just... came to me (how mystical is that?) His last name is a city in... uhm, Finland, I believe. Zixer's name came from trying to get the harshest sounding word with the least amount of letters, but it was also mostly random. He doesn't have a last name yet. Kamina is Kamino with an "a" at the end, like all girl names in Llanlleia (and yes, is a SW reference.) She doesn't have a last name yet, either. Selia is how one of the foreign exchange students at school pronounces "Syria." Bemia's name was random; Caia's name was too.

Fvier is named after Fvera, a character I had in another completely unrelated short story. Nozomia is "nozomi" ("wish", I think that is) with an "a" at the end. Herelia was random (random names are MUCH easier when you already know the ending sound .)

[The Duchess of Zeon]

Adrasteia (Desunius' last name) is a Greek name as well which I believe means "doesn't retreat." If not, I don't care.

Not only are you wrong, but you're wrong because the name actually has a cooler meaning than that. Adrasteia is Greek for inescapable. *grins*