The SDNetronomicon opens!

[Eleas]

Sirs, madams,

I am not an affluent man, and though having experienced a long life, not one blessed with an abundance of progeny. For all that rumors hold me to be spendthrift, and indeed as lavish a companion as one might find, I now reside friendless and alone, my fortunes squandered upon frivolities I can now scarce put a name to. Whatever proclivities and loathsome practices that hearsay would attribute to my person, it is assuredly the nature of any man to fashion himself a legacy, so as to pass onto future generations some form of memory or token of past exploits, lest he be cast adrift in time, lost to its bleak oblivion.

Upon reading this, a reader might naturally assume my meaning to be an allusion to a state of material immortality, in which a giver such as myself would bequeath his material possessions to ones kith and kin, the surplus presumably sold at auctions. In this vein, word has reached me of a great deal of discussion regarding the modest collection of literatures and volumes that I, with the able assistance of associates, have conscentiously gathered from far and wide during a period of several years. Such considerations may well have proven perspicacious, yet ultimately immaterial, for it is in fact not the true inheritance I have fashioned.

During my later years, I have maintained a lasting exchange of letters between myself and Dr Maschias Gray of the Miscatonic University, whom I have also infrequently visited. Several volumes, all but indicipherable, have passed between our hands, and our scrutiny has revealed a ghastly secret. For, within each childhood fancy, behind all tales of horrid creatures that dwelt beyond the perception of men, there lurks a frightful reality. But, I hasten to implore you, before consigning this letter to the flames and my name to forgetfulness, I would ask that you find the time to peruse the formulas I have here gathered. For within them is lies the secret of binding and commanding these dread creatures, be it an Old One from the far planes of Ayess'veyess, the dreaded Fungi from Essbeh, or a slithering Moderator from Ezdeeh'neht.

As for myself, the Horrors I have witnessed have robbed my spirit of the will to live. This letter, and my undersigned will, shall be my last message to the world.

Sincerely,
Jaime Daxburne,
New England,
on the 14th of December in the Year of our Lord 1912.






Here follow the Words of Binding. Theirs is the power to shackle flesh and call across unimaginable gulfs of space. Neglect these at your peril.

Alyeska

To call upon The Pervading Ooze is not an easy task. It requires a sizeable quantity of seminal fluid to be poured over the model of an aether cruser, which must be inscribed with the ancient Sumerian word "Enterprise". At the apex of the ritual, the model is shattered. This enrages the creature, which will then appear and attempt to tear the summoner apart.
The words of power are thus:

"Cross the farthest void, I call to thee!
Mine is the shield that light cannot breach.
Across the frontier final, my words be heard!
My power twists space and bridges time.
By the toupee and the girdle, I call your name:
come forth, ascend, appear
from where no man has gone before!"

Dahl-tohn

Vast and cyclopedean, ever hungry, this being is slow to notice the actions of lesser creatures. It leaves its state of torpor but rarely, preferring to contemplate the weird mysteries that Man was not meant to know. Provoking it to action is not a task to be undertaken lightly, or even at all.
The instructions for summoning this great being vary, and are obscure at best. Most seem to agree on a plentitude of food being present, but disagree on whether the summoner himself counts.
Thus go the words of Power:

"In the aspect of Collins, thief of dreams,
I stir thy thoughts from their paths.
By the dark wings of Elim, ever yawning,
I impel thee to wakefulness.
By the Dark One and by the Madman,
I fire thy cavernous heart,
so that thou mightest move.
Arise, Roby! Still Bitter, Roby! RIISE!"

It should be noted that shrieking out the last part is optional.

Durandula

A monstrous, loathsome entity, spider-like and fey, instilling all that gaze upon it with pervading, malign terror. This creature dwells farther out than most Old Ones, but it is nonetheless disturbingly easy to provoke its attention. No invocations that I have gleaned from these volumes have allowed me to summon this dread creature; however I have translated a spell that should compel it to some semblence of obedience.

"Thou who forever walketh these shores,
mine is the hand to which you will bend.
In the name of the Slayer and the light of the firefly,
and by the place where the gods go to die,
my word is your will. My whim is your purpose!
Come, and united we shall kick posterior."

[Dalton]

Aaaaaaaaaahahaha!! This is goddamn hilarious!

[Durandal]

MOOOOREE!!

[Eleas]

Why, thankee. It appears, however, that my transcription of these old books contain holes in them. There's no Invocation for the Banishment of Troll-spawn, no Malign Invocation against Pokeage - not even your basic Ward Against Fiver.

Is there anyone else in the possession of this occult lore who might be willing to share?

[SirNitram]

The protective spells against the Fivers have been lost to us, sadly, suspected to be a product of Tigerclaws dread work. I will impart unto you the Invocation Of Lesser Banishment Of Troll-Spawn(The Greater Banishment, of course, requires the powers of the Ban-Stick.).

In the aspect of Logic, I reject you,
In the aspect of Reason, I denounce you,
In the aspect of Accuracy, I ridicule you,
In the aspect of Flame, I offend you.

To the dark things of the Pit, I do implore,
Take back this, least of your servants,
Return it to your domain of fallacy and lie,
And never darken the realms of Man again!

The four aspects are powerful wards against the Things beyond logic. Of course, there was the time Trascend spoke this and a tentacle beast ate him. So you probably shouldn't mess around with it if you're not sure you're in the right.

[Singular Quartet]

Generally, I go with the equally age-old method of taking a suitablely large and/or blunt object, and just beating something with it until it dies.

[Eleas]

Well, well! Good sir, I certainly didn't expect to find someone of your stature in this forsaken place. Some recent, fascinating texts have come to light... I of course refer mainly to the rediscovered transcription of the Raolukian Annals, of which you surely have heard... no? Strange, I could swear I saw it published in the local newspaper the other day.

Anyway, just the other day I translated something that I believe to be a spell called the 'Agency of Filamental Severance'.

We have sinned, we have strayed,
and the OP betrayed;
now it's since came to pass
that the topic that was
has been scattered and frayed;
here this blight be allayed!

By these words loud as thunder
is yon thread rent asunder,
hide all signs of this blunder
thus our penance be paid."

[CaptainChewbacca]

So what happens if I entreat the stones in the Hall of Shame?

[Shroom Man 777]

Hahahaha! This is good! Durandula! RIIIISE!

[Eleas]

So what happens if I entreat the stones in the Hall of Shame?

Ah yes, there was something about it there... let's see. If "háda" is "brightly shining"... just let me translate... ah, I've got it.




"First thou shalt raise up ye four cardinal stones and these shall mark ye direction of ye four winds as they howleth through their seasons.

To ye North set ye the stone of Great Coldness that shall form ye Gate of ye winter-wind engraving thereupon the sigil of the Simian Rabid.

In ye South, five paces from ye stone of ye North, thou shalt raise a stone of fierce-heat, through which ye summer winds bloweth and make upon ye stone ye mark of ye Moose Uprising.

Ye stone of whirling-air shall be set in ye East where ye first equinox riseth and shall be graven with ye sign of he whose name be unuttered.

Ye Gate of Rushing Torrents thou cause to beat the west most inner point (at a space of five paces from ye stone of ye East) where ye sun dieth in ye evening and ye cycle of night returns. Blazon ye stone with ye character of ye Void-Star whose ingnorance reacheth beyond the stars.

Set thou the seven stones of Those that wander ye webways, without ye inner four and through their diverse influences shall ye focus of power be established.

In ye North beyond the stone of Great Coldness set ye first ye stone of Glasgow at a space of three paces. This being done proceed thou widdershins placing at like distances apart ye stones of Young, Glasgow, Cronan, Brown, Griffiths and Kennedy marking each with their rightful sign.

At ye center of the so completed configuration set ye the Alter of ye Great Old Ones and seal it with ye symbol of Yog-Strowbridge and ye mighty Names of Wong, Kynesthulhu, Hastuartmackey, Chuck-Niggurath, and Nyarlapoetep.

And ye stones shall be ye Gates through which thou shalt call Them forth from Outside man's time and space. Entreat ye of ye stones by night and when the Moon decreasetth in her light, turning thy face to ye direction of Their coming, speaking ye words and making ye gestures that bringeth forth ye Old Ones and causeth Them to walk once more ye Earth.

And ye shall die a Thousand deaths. Of gangrene."

[Rye]

Haha, that is all quite superb, especially the Dahl-Tohn name, such wicked blasphemies will continue to inflame the senses and poison the spirit in this world and the next. Maddening laughter will creep over my twisted corpulence at unseemly times and the joke will be forever impossible to explain in human tongue, yet... the laughter will persist.

[Kuja]

This is excellent.

[The Yosemite Bear]

on monkey-gaunts:

laughing and cavorting the monkeys play, spreading their porn and making dissarry.

[Singular Quartet]

...And ye shall die a Thousand deaths. Of gangrene."

Fucking awesome, man. Just fucking awesome.

[Eleas]

...And ye shall die a Thousand deaths. Of gangrene."

Fucking awesome, man. Just fucking awesome.

Thank you kindly, good sir.

[Edi]

That was simply great!

Are we going to get the summoning invocations for the rest of the staff and the greater trolls as well? Pretty please?

Edi

[Eleas]

That was simply great!

Are we going to get the summoning invocations for the rest of the staff and the greater trolls as well? Pretty please?

If I get some more inspiration I will definitely do it, but as it is, I don't want to merely stretch and extend old material. It needs to be more than just the same thing over and over, and the particular problem with parodying this sort of work is that Lovecraft's books and the Mythos is funny in part because of its purple prose and repetitive plots. That means a good parody will by necessity come to possess similar qualities.

And thanks for the kind words.