OK, we all pretty much accept that the SW holiday special was an abomination (those who haven't repressed memory of it)
So let's make better ones, for series we like.
My pick:
A Warhammer 40k Christmas:
Join the Ultramarines Space Marine Chapter, 3rd Company, as they investigate reports of Eldar activity near planet Valhalla. Watch with joy as they capture and torture a fat, red-suited xeno-collaborator named Santa Claus. He cracks after they remove most of his skin, and enables them to infiltrate the secret weapons factory the Eldar built at the planet's North Pole. After a huge battle in which every Xeno is killed, the Ultramarines all join in a finale chorus of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing", with a dreadnaught doing the Snoopy Dance.
Christmas Specials in Fiction
Moderator: Edi
"The Arbiter saves Christmas"
As everyone's favorite Sangheili warriors is leading his troops against Tartarus's minions in a valient fight for freedom, word reaches him of the Prophet of Truth's newest dastardly scheme; his armada is blockading High Charity, and the patron saint of frivolity Snta 'Clawanamee won't be able to bring gifts to all the little Unnugoy and Sangheili children this year. Well, the Arbiter won't hear any of that, and he and his merry band of zealots head for orbit. Meanwhile, the Flood Gravemind spreads his corruption throughout the holy city, and captures our cyborg hero and his AI friend, holding them inches from death, mocking them with cryptic and oddly festive iambic heptameter.
As the Arbiter fights through the raging battle around High Charity, he is horrified to see 'Clawanamee's armored sleigh erupt into flames and plummet towards the holy city, fired upon by the mean ol' Prophet's troops. From below, the Gravemind watches in mild amusement as the saint dies in a fiery explosion, but a holiday kiss from the AI Cortana warms his mutated tentacles, and his vascular sack swells (three sizes!) that day. The twisted giant uses his powers to resurrect Snta 'Clawanamee. However, seeing the twisted, infested abomination he has become, the saint goes beserk, cutting a bloody swath through the city with his tinsle-lined plasma sword. Finally, at the top of the great domed city, the Arbiter confronts him, and the two lock blades.
An epic duel ensues, but in the end the Sangheili warrior defeats his twisted brethern, holding his blade to it's puss-covered throat. However, rather than slay the beast, the Arbiter gives the greatest gift of all; the true meaning of Christmas. It doesn't matter if your a tumorous, reanimated corpse on the outside, as long as you dispense gifts and righteous vengance with good cheer, you will find peace. Thus, Snta 'Clawanamee is redeemed, and the little Grunt children wake up the next morning with plasma grenades and food nipples strung along their walls.
End with the whole cast in a joyful chorus of "Deck the Halls."
As everyone's favorite Sangheili warriors is leading his troops against Tartarus's minions in a valient fight for freedom, word reaches him of the Prophet of Truth's newest dastardly scheme; his armada is blockading High Charity, and the patron saint of frivolity Snta 'Clawanamee won't be able to bring gifts to all the little Unnugoy and Sangheili children this year. Well, the Arbiter won't hear any of that, and he and his merry band of zealots head for orbit. Meanwhile, the Flood Gravemind spreads his corruption throughout the holy city, and captures our cyborg hero and his AI friend, holding them inches from death, mocking them with cryptic and oddly festive iambic heptameter.
As the Arbiter fights through the raging battle around High Charity, he is horrified to see 'Clawanamee's armored sleigh erupt into flames and plummet towards the holy city, fired upon by the mean ol' Prophet's troops. From below, the Gravemind watches in mild amusement as the saint dies in a fiery explosion, but a holiday kiss from the AI Cortana warms his mutated tentacles, and his vascular sack swells (three sizes!) that day. The twisted giant uses his powers to resurrect Snta 'Clawanamee. However, seeing the twisted, infested abomination he has become, the saint goes beserk, cutting a bloody swath through the city with his tinsle-lined plasma sword. Finally, at the top of the great domed city, the Arbiter confronts him, and the two lock blades.
An epic duel ensues, but in the end the Sangheili warrior defeats his twisted brethern, holding his blade to it's puss-covered throat. However, rather than slay the beast, the Arbiter gives the greatest gift of all; the true meaning of Christmas. It doesn't matter if your a tumorous, reanimated corpse on the outside, as long as you dispense gifts and righteous vengance with good cheer, you will find peace. Thus, Snta 'Clawanamee is redeemed, and the little Grunt children wake up the next morning with plasma grenades and food nipples strung along their walls.
End with the whole cast in a joyful chorus of "Deck the Halls."
The Rift
Stanislav Petrov- The man who saved the world
Hugh Thompson Jr.- A True American Hero
"In the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope." - President Barack Obama
"May fortune favor you, for your goals are the goals of the world." - Ancient Chall valediction
Stanislav Petrov- The man who saved the world
Hugh Thompson Jr.- A True American Hero
"In the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope." - President Barack Obama
"May fortune favor you, for your goals are the goals of the world." - Ancient Chall valediction
-
Coyote
- Rabid Monkey
- Posts: 12464
- Joined: 2002-08-23 01:20am
- Location: The glorious Sun-Barge! Isis, Isis, Ra,Ra,Ra!
- Contact:
The Gou'aould System Lord known as "Santa Claus" begins to wonder if there is more to life than the oppression of a few peasants. He is haunted at times by Re, the Ghost of System Lords Past, who warns him that he should find meaning to the suffering or they will rise up in open revolt against him.
As the slaves, known in the local vocaublary as 'Elves', toil in the factories making playthings for the delight and amusement of the System Lord Claus and his Jaffa, they accidentally uncover an ancient StarGate that allows them to communicate with the (in)famous SG-1 team. The SG-1 team passes out presents and treats selflessly, including copies of Mao's Little Red Book, thus teaching the Elves the meaning of resistance.
As the Elves are brought into the System Lord's throne room to sing "Good King Wencislaus" for the entertainment of the Lord and his First Prime, the Elves secretly smuggle in explosives laced with naquadah and detonate them at the height of celebvration, having loaded the Lord and the First Prime up on a miracle fluid known as 'Eggnog'. The SG-1 teams burst through and gun down the remaining Jaffa.
The Elves point out to a badly wounded Claus that all they wanted all along was to be included in the rites of passage and citizenship known as the Reindeer Games, and to be treated as equals. Claus promotes the Elf chieftan to replace his dead First Prime and strikes a bargain with the Elves, promising them all wages and good pay and food, as well as a 401(k) plan.
The SG-1 team departs, after a tearful "Silent Night" is sung together.
As the slaves, known in the local vocaublary as 'Elves', toil in the factories making playthings for the delight and amusement of the System Lord Claus and his Jaffa, they accidentally uncover an ancient StarGate that allows them to communicate with the (in)famous SG-1 team. The SG-1 team passes out presents and treats selflessly, including copies of Mao's Little Red Book, thus teaching the Elves the meaning of resistance.
As the Elves are brought into the System Lord's throne room to sing "Good King Wencislaus" for the entertainment of the Lord and his First Prime, the Elves secretly smuggle in explosives laced with naquadah and detonate them at the height of celebvration, having loaded the Lord and the First Prime up on a miracle fluid known as 'Eggnog'. The SG-1 teams burst through and gun down the remaining Jaffa.
The Elves point out to a badly wounded Claus that all they wanted all along was to be included in the rites of passage and citizenship known as the Reindeer Games, and to be treated as equals. Claus promotes the Elf chieftan to replace his dead First Prime and strikes a bargain with the Elves, promising them all wages and good pay and food, as well as a 401(k) plan.
The SG-1 team departs, after a tearful "Silent Night" is sung together.
Something about Libertarianism always bothered me. Then one day, I realized what it was:
Libertarian philosophy can be boiled down to the phrase, "Work Will Make You Free."
In Libertarianism, there is no Government, so the Bosses are free to exploit the Workers.
In Communism, there is no Government, so the Workers are free to exploit the Bosses.
So in Libertarianism, man exploits man, but in Communism, its the other way around!
If all you want to do is have some harmless, mindless fun, go H3RE INST3ADZ0RZ!!
Grrr! Fight my Brute, you pansy!
Libertarian philosophy can be boiled down to the phrase, "Work Will Make You Free."
In Libertarianism, there is no Government, so the Bosses are free to exploit the Workers.
In Communism, there is no Government, so the Workers are free to exploit the Bosses.
So in Libertarianism, man exploits man, but in Communism, its the other way around!
If all you want to do is have some harmless, mindless fun, go H3RE INST3ADZ0RZ!!
Grrr! Fight my Brute, you pansy!
-
The Grim Squeaker
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 10315
- Joined: 2005-06-01 01:44am
- Location: A different time-space Continuum
- Contact:
Can't Beat Dexters version: Fire Jolly seeking Missiles 
.
How about a Samurai Jack version:
Samurai Jack infiltrates one of Aku's fortresses dodging tinsel spears and glitter bombs until he reaches the heart of the fortress- the Mecha Santa, the originator of a spread of mind controlling socks and hats that have attracted his attention, he destroys his mechanical robot reindeers as well as the giant "Red missile" Ripping Rudolph before jumping up and slicing the doom sleigh in mid air-
He continues on his path only to find a sock with a new pair of sandals and a hat left by a mysterious visitor
.How about a Samurai Jack version:
Samurai Jack infiltrates one of Aku's fortresses dodging tinsel spears and glitter bombs until he reaches the heart of the fortress- the Mecha Santa, the originator of a spread of mind controlling socks and hats that have attracted his attention, he destroys his mechanical robot reindeers as well as the giant "Red missile" Ripping Rudolph before jumping up and slicing the doom sleigh in mid air-
He continues on his path only to find a sock with a new pair of sandals and a hat left by a mysterious visitor
Photography
Genius is always allowed some leeway, once the hammer has been pried from its hands and the blood has been cleaned up.
To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.
Genius is always allowed some leeway, once the hammer has been pried from its hands and the blood has been cleaned up.
To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.
-
avoidingthepo
- Youngling
- Posts: 50
- Joined: 2005-02-16 12:37pm
- Location: jersey shore
- Contact:
an ahriman christmas
ahriman couldnt beleive what he'd done. it was christmas eve and he still hadnt gotten any of the thousand sons presents or even a tree. he got to the tree farm but the only tree left was only 2 feet tall, with 4 branches, and about as unchanging as it gets. ahriman then went looking for gifts, but the only store open was the dollar store. he bought lots of cheap do-rags and #1 dad mugs for all the good thousand sons. ahriman got home and looked at his setup. and he cried. then something magical happened. the tree started to swirl and change constantly. ahriman's face glowed with the millions of screaming agonized faces reflectied in his new tree's swirling mass of colors. then tzeentch blessed them all by making them his demons.
the end.
ahriman couldnt beleive what he'd done. it was christmas eve and he still hadnt gotten any of the thousand sons presents or even a tree. he got to the tree farm but the only tree left was only 2 feet tall, with 4 branches, and about as unchanging as it gets. ahriman then went looking for gifts, but the only store open was the dollar store. he bought lots of cheap do-rags and #1 dad mugs for all the good thousand sons. ahriman got home and looked at his setup. and he cried. then something magical happened. the tree started to swirl and change constantly. ahriman's face glowed with the millions of screaming agonized faces reflectied in his new tree's swirling mass of colors. then tzeentch blessed them all by making them his demons.
the end.
=NUB=
Deceived by the devils decisions, forced into a slave
Death before dishonour for those men who were brave
Shot and sent to their grave, can't awaken, it's too late
Everything's been taken, I'm shaken, family, history, the making
Deceived by the devils decisions, forced into a slave
Death before dishonour for those men who were brave
Shot and sent to their grave, can't awaken, it's too late
Everything's been taken, I'm shaken, family, history, the making
-
The Grim Squeaker
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 10315
- Joined: 2005-06-01 01:44am
- Location: A different time-space Continuum
- Contact:
Hard to beat this version for a realistic ChristmasPhotography
Genius is always allowed some leeway, once the hammer has been pried from its hands and the blood has been cleaned up.
To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.
Genius is always allowed some leeway, once the hammer has been pried from its hands and the blood has been cleaned up.
To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.
-
El Moose Monstero
- Moose Rebellion Ambassador
- Posts: 3743
- Joined: 2003-04-30 12:33pm
- Location: The Cradle of the Rebellion... Oop Nowrrth, Like...
- Contact:
Moose Rebellion Christmas Special
In the midst of the pitched war between the Moose Rebellion and the Elephant Remnant, a battered and wounded reindeer is picked up by a Behemoose class battlelilo in the north atlantic asking to be taken to the high command, bringing with him vital information for the safety of the world.
Mistrustful and prejudiced against the reindeer, the moose captain is persuaded to bring him before the High Command by the more compassionate penguin Nyriad. Once at the High Command, the reindeer with the red nose reveals that Santa Claus is in fact a Crustacean Alliance agent, (hence, claws) and that the presents he will bring this year will spell doom for all of moose and human kind.
Convinced of the truth of this information, the Moose Rebellion acts with a surgical strike on Santas grotto, sending the evil being fleeing for his life across the world. Tracking his sleigh, Nyriad hunts the being across the artic seas, braving elephant attack and the threat of lobster boarding to terminate the life of the pawn of the crustacean alliance.
Cornering Santa, Nyriad is poised to deliver the death blow, but is convinced that Rudolph is the traitor, and puts herself on his mercy. Unwilling to be fooled twice, Nyriad captures Santa and brings him back to the high command, where he faces off Rudolph, who reveals that he is in fact in league with the Elephant Remnant, fed up with working for Santa and now turned evil. Rudolph makes his escape and unites with the Elephant Remnant, and the Moose Rebellion helps Santa to bring christmas to the world, pulling his sled with a squadron of Kri Kri goat bombers instead of the treacherous reindeer.
In the midst of the pitched war between the Moose Rebellion and the Elephant Remnant, a battered and wounded reindeer is picked up by a Behemoose class battlelilo in the north atlantic asking to be taken to the high command, bringing with him vital information for the safety of the world.
Mistrustful and prejudiced against the reindeer, the moose captain is persuaded to bring him before the High Command by the more compassionate penguin Nyriad. Once at the High Command, the reindeer with the red nose reveals that Santa Claus is in fact a Crustacean Alliance agent, (hence, claws) and that the presents he will bring this year will spell doom for all of moose and human kind.
Convinced of the truth of this information, the Moose Rebellion acts with a surgical strike on Santas grotto, sending the evil being fleeing for his life across the world. Tracking his sleigh, Nyriad hunts the being across the artic seas, braving elephant attack and the threat of lobster boarding to terminate the life of the pawn of the crustacean alliance.
Cornering Santa, Nyriad is poised to deliver the death blow, but is convinced that Rudolph is the traitor, and puts herself on his mercy. Unwilling to be fooled twice, Nyriad captures Santa and brings him back to the high command, where he faces off Rudolph, who reveals that he is in fact in league with the Elephant Remnant, fed up with working for Santa and now turned evil. Rudolph makes his escape and unites with the Elephant Remnant, and the Moose Rebellion helps Santa to bring christmas to the world, pulling his sled with a squadron of Kri Kri goat bombers instead of the treacherous reindeer.
Evil Brit Conspiracy: Token Moose Obsessed Kebab Munching Semi Geordie
-
Nephtys
- Sith Acolyte
- Posts: 6227
- Joined: 2005-04-02 10:54pm
- Location: South Cali... where life is cheap!
"Toy Pegasus: Part One"
Cue the camera cutting across the bow of the Galactica. It pans left, shakilly framing the outline of a small red shuttle being pulled by reindeer. The lead Reindeer has no glowing red nose, instead it has just a single long strip where a red light bounces left to right. The camera shakes even more, back to the Galactica. It shakes more, and then a pair of Vipers launch.
Starbuck and Apollo confront this strange ship, which claims to be Colonial Yultide One. They allow it to dock with Galactica, with expectations of fun. The long lost Santa Claus steps out. Adama and Tigh smile with a shout. "So say we all! We should have no fear! For the good boys and girls, Santa is Here!". So Santa is off, giving belated toys to the good boys and girls across the ship. All are sleeping, he's making a fast trip. But on Galactica, all is not right. Santa is poisoned by cookies upon this night!
When Santa comes to, he blurts. "It was a Cylon! Put the ship on Alert!". On Tyrol and Starbuck and Baltar and Cally, with Apollo and Dee to follow, they search the ship, finding few clues. They all gather at CiC with the blues. Turning to Dee, Santa draws a gun, "You're a Cylon, don't run!"
Then Dee pulls to Tyrol, and Tyrol on Baltar. Little Cally just sitsback and falters. As they stand off, with the camera a-shakin', the Dreidis alarms, excitement a-makin'. "Raiders are coming!" says Gaeda with a pout. "Oh no, it's to be continued! It's time to Fade Out!"
Will Kobol Christmas be saved? Check back in three months to find out!
Cue the camera cutting across the bow of the Galactica. It pans left, shakilly framing the outline of a small red shuttle being pulled by reindeer. The lead Reindeer has no glowing red nose, instead it has just a single long strip where a red light bounces left to right. The camera shakes even more, back to the Galactica. It shakes more, and then a pair of Vipers launch.
Starbuck and Apollo confront this strange ship, which claims to be Colonial Yultide One. They allow it to dock with Galactica, with expectations of fun. The long lost Santa Claus steps out. Adama and Tigh smile with a shout. "So say we all! We should have no fear! For the good boys and girls, Santa is Here!". So Santa is off, giving belated toys to the good boys and girls across the ship. All are sleeping, he's making a fast trip. But on Galactica, all is not right. Santa is poisoned by cookies upon this night!
When Santa comes to, he blurts. "It was a Cylon! Put the ship on Alert!". On Tyrol and Starbuck and Baltar and Cally, with Apollo and Dee to follow, they search the ship, finding few clues. They all gather at CiC with the blues. Turning to Dee, Santa draws a gun, "You're a Cylon, don't run!"
Then Dee pulls to Tyrol, and Tyrol on Baltar. Little Cally just sitsback and falters. As they stand off, with the camera a-shakin', the Dreidis alarms, excitement a-makin'. "Raiders are coming!" says Gaeda with a pout. "Oh no, it's to be continued! It's time to Fade Out!"
Will Kobol Christmas be saved? Check back in three months to find out!
-
Dalton
- For Those About to Rock We Salute You
- Posts: 22637
- Joined: 2002-07-03 06:16pm
- Location: New York, the Fuck You State
- Contact:
Why, check out An ASVS Christmas Carol. ASVS-land is fictional enough
To Absent Friends
"y = mx + bro" - Surlethe
"You try THAT shit again, kid, and I will mod you. I will
mod you so hard, you'll wish I were Dalton." - Lagmonster
May the way of the Hero lead to the Triforce.
-
Dalton
- For Those About to Rock We Salute You
- Posts: 22637
- Joined: 2002-07-03 06:16pm
- Location: New York, the Fuck You State
- Contact:
Given that (so I read) George Lucas wishes that he could burn all the copies ever made, no, I don't think sofelineki wrote:So, is the Star Wars Christmas Special considered "canon" or not?
To Absent Friends
"y = mx + bro" - Surlethe
"You try THAT shit again, kid, and I will mod you. I will
mod you so hard, you'll wish I were Dalton." - Lagmonster
May the way of the Hero lead to the Triforce.