Firewarriors Guide to the Galaxy (40K, Not too serious)
Moderator: LadyTevar
-
Ford Prefect
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 8254
- Joined: 2005-05-16 04:08am
- Location: The real number domain
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Comando293
- Padawan Learner
- Posts: 190
- Joined: 2005-11-04 07:56pm
- Location: Right Behind You
- Contact:
On prompting from a few others of my readers I'm doing a bit of a filler until I sort out chapter 8 (A few problems) a Q & A session with the chars. Ask them anything you'd like.
I take any questions. Just send them by PM and I'll have the cast answer them in the interlude.
Yes even really stupid questions.
I take any questions. Just send them by PM and I'll have the cast answer them in the interlude.
Yes even really stupid questions.
-
darth korte
- Youngling
- Posts: 133
- Joined: 2005-06-08 03:49am
- Location: In the cockpit of the warlord titan
Note: I can't take any credit for the questions. They were all written by others. Yes even the letter that was never opened. Thanks for giving me good material to work with.
Interlude 2
"I really would like to know why someone with total power over whatever happens in Tarvin system wants us to sit here and answer a bunch of questions." Mur'Phon said.
"C'mon. He said there were a lot of people who wanted to ask us things. It'll be fun." Miku replied cheerfully.
"Let's just get this over with. I don't like to be treated as an exhibit."
The room was not that large. It had a handful of chairs, tables with light refreshments and the three occupants.
"Well… Where are the questions?"
On that cue a small pile of letters appeared.
Mur'Phon picked one up and looked at it. "It's for you." He handed it over to Gordonius who pulled a pen opener out of his cloak.
______________________________________________________
Dear Fixalticus
Should a lesser brain damage convince Mur'Phon to hand you his weapon, what would you proceed to do with it? Would you study it's fascinating alien techonology and use the newly gained info for the greater good of mankind, would you claim a patent for the technology and earn buckloads of money and fame? Or perhaps you'd just disassemble and reassemble it again for pure fun? Do you have secret plans for the weapon, or any plans for getting your hands on it? Would you share it with me? I'm curious here.
Sincerely yours: The disassembler
_______________________________________________________
Gordon finished reading it.
"Well Disassembler. If I could get my hands on the weapon I would take it apart. Find out how it worked. And then find out how to improve it."
"Right. And if you failed to improve it?" Mur'Phon asked.
"Then I simply find another one and try again until I get it right. It took me quite a few lasguns before I figured out how to upgrade them to hellguns in the field."
"Anyway. I got no plans for grabbing it. And I certainly don't plan on getting myself a tranq gun that works on Tau, knock him out and then grab the gun and run."
"Miku."
"Yes?"
"If he does that please plug a high voltage cable into some of his few remaining organic parts for me."
"Let's just move on to the next question." Gordonius said hurriedly.
"Look. Here's one for you." He grabbed a letter with a rather unusual handwriting style and handed it to Mur'Phon. It was clearly written with several different pens.
________________________________________________________
Dear Mur'Phon: I keep trying to write you but
-but my bossess keep-
-keep eating my pens. How can I-
can I stop them from doing this-
- signed, Grotty mc Grottfield
_________________________________________________________
"Well…. If you go to Tash'Var capital and find the store on the eastern outskirts run by Ki'mar of the earth caste and tell him your problem and that Mur'Phon sent you. Then he'll allow you to buy the really good guns at really good prices. I think you can figure out the next step yourself." Mur'Phon gave a feral grin.
Meanwhile Miku was reading a few of the letters sent to her.
"I'm not sure what to say. They all keep trying to ask me out. It's really sweet, but I don't think I should start dating until I know a bit more about myself."
Mur'Phon and Gordonius exchanged glances. They wanted her to figure out her past about as much as they wanted to be locked up with a lonely Slaaneshi Space Marine for a month.
Mur'Phon picked up another one.
_________________________________________________________
Dear Mur'Phon
Have you ever considered carrying a horseshoe or a four-leaf clover to negate the bad luck haunting you?
Best regards, an Irishman
_________________________________________________________
"Wait. Horse shoes and Four-Leaf clovers negate bad luck?!?" Mur'Phon had no idea what a Clover was, but he figured it was something that could get you drunk considering the sender.
"Well according to ancient legends yes."
"I don't know where to get clovers, but I think it's time to do some aggressive raiding against a few Rough Riders. I will get horseshoes or die trying! Even if I have to rip the horses legs off and run away with those."
_________________________________________________________
Elsewhere completely unrelated a roughrider company suddenly lost control over their beasts as they panicked as if somewhere in the galaxy a being started hunting them with such enormous intensity and obsession that it made chaos look sane by comparison.
__________________________________________________________
Back in the odd room Miku and Gordonius was getting seriously worried about Mur'Phon's insane grin.
"Okaaaay. I think we need to find him another letter before he goes completely off the deep end." Gordonius said.
Miku found a letter addressed to Mur'Phon with indecent haste.
"Here read this please."
___________________________________________________________
Hey are you going to call yourself a Freelance Peace Keeping Agent?
After all it worked for Death's Head.
Actually I'd love for you to encounter Death's Head. Just don't call him a robot or a bounty hunter and he probably would kill you. Maybe.
___________________________________________________________
"Freelance Peace Keeping Agent? What kind of wuss calls himself that? It sounds like an overdose of political correctness. Anyway, who is Death's Head?"
"Death's Head appears in some of the Ad-Mech's most ancient and Holy Scriptures and recordings. Transformers, they speak of giant transforming robots fighting to protect mankind from other evil giant transforming robots." Gordonius requires.
"Sounds like entertainment for children."
"Well there are some heretics within the ad-mech who claims that what it was was made for. They have been artificially kept alive while being tortured for five centuries by now." Gordonius said. The Adeptus Mechanicus was the last bastion of transformers fanboys in the galaxy.
"Right. Next question."
____________________________________________________________
I have a question for Mur'phon, regarding what he thinks of his Empire's system of government, and what he really thinks of the Aun.
____________________________________________________________
"Well… If you have to ask. I think the basic concept is fucking stupid. It sounds nice but so far it seems that it's primarily the Aun's greater good we are working for. All of us serve them. And we force other aliens to serve us in turn. No equality there. Frankly if it hadn't been for what I suspect is pheromone control I'd probably start shooting them on sight. preferably with heavy railguns. Just to be on the safe side.
I like the idea of everyone sane grouping together and then blowing the shit out of everyone not sane, especially the orks, but the idea as it's now is a stupid barely veiled attempt at grabbing galactic power using both the Tau and other species grabbed along the way. Where the hell did they come from anyway? Straight out of the asshole of the galaxy?" Mur'Phon replied looking surprisingly calm
"Anyway, next question."
__________________________________________________________
To Mur'phon- Why did you join the army, did you have a choice? In hindsight would a career in the circus have appealed more?
To Gordonius- I have trouble starting my car in the morning, as a wise and mildly obsessive Tech Priest can you advise me how best to get my car working?
To Miku- Now that evisceration and flaying are off the list of preffered activities, how would you spend your free time if you weren't being chased by assorted monsters?
__________________________________________________________
"Well let's take them in order. No as a member of the fire caste I didn't have any choice. Trained from birth as all other fire caste. Yeah a circus seems like a much better option. Last time I checked genestealers don't try to rape you if you work in Circus. Gordonius your turn."
Gordonius had been out while Mur'Phon answered and inspected the car in question.
"Well after careful examination I have determined a possible way to fix it. Your machine spirit is grumpy and needs to be placated. The Air Freshener you have hanging from the mirror should be moved to the window wiper stick next to the indicator pointing at E to placate the machine spirit."
He paused then added. "Also you need to replace a fireplug."
Miku was thinking for her answer.
"Well I'm not sure. The first thing I want to do is really to discover myself. But after that... I don't really know. Get a cute furry pet maybe. Maybe try to settle down and get a family? There are so many things I would like to do…"
Mur'Phon started to look through his medical supplies for some insulin. He had a very low tolerance for things like this.
_________________________________________________________
Dear Mur'Phon. I recently came down with a huge hangover in all of my heads. I've never had one before, and I'm wondering if you know any good hangover cures. Love, The Hive Mind
_________________________________________________________
"Okay. This is a weird one." Mur'Phon commented.
"Can we get a map over all of observed space in here please?"
A 3D hologram of every observed object in the universe so far popped into existence.
"See this galaxy here." Mur'Phon pointed at the single most far away object he could spot.
"In the centre of this there is the best hangover cure in the universe. You should go there. Infact you should go there now before someone else gets it, hurry, hurry, hurry!"
"Next question please."
____________________________________________________
Dear filthy xenos- scu- I mean, Dear Miku: Where is Commeragh located, and where are the weakpoints in its defenses? Brother Captai- I mean, Just Wondering In Macragge?
____________________________________________________
"I can't remember anything about any Commeragh. I really wish I could help, but, and I'm so sorry, I can't. I'm really sorry." The look on her face was so sad, cute and apologetic that it could make thousands of fans all over the world start crying simultaneously.
"Give me a break, that guy is an asshole and deserves to be hit in full force by a hive fleet set on eating him. Unless it has already happened of course." Mur'Phon said.
___________________________________________________
Dear Mur'Phon, was it you who stole all the powerpacks for my gun right before my squad was attacked by orcs?
___________________________________________________
"Er… no comment." Mur'Phon said looking a bit guilty.
"Ew. What is this white stuff that's wrecked this letter?" Miku said trying to open a letter addressed for her. The return address mentioned someone called Setzer.
"I do not think you want to know right now." Gordonius answered.
___________________________________________________
To unnamed Sgt in chapter...3
Do you think that you got the shaft when the Power That Be killed you off in that scene with Miku?
____________________________________________________
"What?!" Came from both Miku and Mur'Phon at the same time.
"Chapter 3? Scene? What the hell is going on?"
"I've never killed anyone who wasn't a tyranid? Where they sentient after all? I don't want to be a murderer!"
Suddenly in one of the spare chairs a grizzled old sergeant appeared.
"Well I don't think so. It was the kind of death I expected actually. Dying to protect my men. Too bad they all got eaten soon after. And I can't fault this young lady for what another mind in charge of her body did. Yes I am the generic 'Hardass, but deep down really cares about my men and is a man of honour' sergeant."
He just disappeared after saying that.
"We're in a story. We are fucking characters in a story written by some sadistic hack who likes to see people suffer. We should hunt him down and give him some of what people have suffered so far in his amateurish writing!"
"Before you completely explode maybe we should take a look on the last letter."
"Well in my non-existence I don't have much else to do. Do I?"
_______________________________________________________
Dear Mur'phon: I got the gun you suggested, but things didn't work out. Know where I can find a good proctologist?
P.S. Why can't you make rounded guns? Why do they have to be square?
_______________________________________________________
That took all the aggression out of Mur'Phon for a moment as the question hit him like an Battleship on all full ahead ramming spike first.
"Well… You see… No comment." He managed to stutter out.
There was a few minutes of awkward silence.
"Hey who are these guys with sunglasses and dark suits? And what are those pen things they are holding up?" Miku asked.
There was a flash of light just before the characters disappeared and re-entered the story.
Interlude 2
"I really would like to know why someone with total power over whatever happens in Tarvin system wants us to sit here and answer a bunch of questions." Mur'Phon said.
"C'mon. He said there were a lot of people who wanted to ask us things. It'll be fun." Miku replied cheerfully.
"Let's just get this over with. I don't like to be treated as an exhibit."
The room was not that large. It had a handful of chairs, tables with light refreshments and the three occupants.
"Well… Where are the questions?"
On that cue a small pile of letters appeared.
Mur'Phon picked one up and looked at it. "It's for you." He handed it over to Gordonius who pulled a pen opener out of his cloak.
______________________________________________________
Dear Fixalticus
Should a lesser brain damage convince Mur'Phon to hand you his weapon, what would you proceed to do with it? Would you study it's fascinating alien techonology and use the newly gained info for the greater good of mankind, would you claim a patent for the technology and earn buckloads of money and fame? Or perhaps you'd just disassemble and reassemble it again for pure fun? Do you have secret plans for the weapon, or any plans for getting your hands on it? Would you share it with me? I'm curious here.
Sincerely yours: The disassembler
_______________________________________________________
Gordon finished reading it.
"Well Disassembler. If I could get my hands on the weapon I would take it apart. Find out how it worked. And then find out how to improve it."
"Right. And if you failed to improve it?" Mur'Phon asked.
"Then I simply find another one and try again until I get it right. It took me quite a few lasguns before I figured out how to upgrade them to hellguns in the field."
"Anyway. I got no plans for grabbing it. And I certainly don't plan on getting myself a tranq gun that works on Tau, knock him out and then grab the gun and run."
"Miku."
"Yes?"
"If he does that please plug a high voltage cable into some of his few remaining organic parts for me."
"Let's just move on to the next question." Gordonius said hurriedly.
"Look. Here's one for you." He grabbed a letter with a rather unusual handwriting style and handed it to Mur'Phon. It was clearly written with several different pens.
________________________________________________________
Dear Mur'Phon: I keep trying to write you but
-but my bossess keep-
-keep eating my pens. How can I-
can I stop them from doing this-
- signed, Grotty mc Grottfield
_________________________________________________________
"Well…. If you go to Tash'Var capital and find the store on the eastern outskirts run by Ki'mar of the earth caste and tell him your problem and that Mur'Phon sent you. Then he'll allow you to buy the really good guns at really good prices. I think you can figure out the next step yourself." Mur'Phon gave a feral grin.
Meanwhile Miku was reading a few of the letters sent to her.
"I'm not sure what to say. They all keep trying to ask me out. It's really sweet, but I don't think I should start dating until I know a bit more about myself."
Mur'Phon and Gordonius exchanged glances. They wanted her to figure out her past about as much as they wanted to be locked up with a lonely Slaaneshi Space Marine for a month.
Mur'Phon picked up another one.
_________________________________________________________
Dear Mur'Phon
Have you ever considered carrying a horseshoe or a four-leaf clover to negate the bad luck haunting you?
Best regards, an Irishman
_________________________________________________________
"Wait. Horse shoes and Four-Leaf clovers negate bad luck?!?" Mur'Phon had no idea what a Clover was, but he figured it was something that could get you drunk considering the sender.
"Well according to ancient legends yes."
"I don't know where to get clovers, but I think it's time to do some aggressive raiding against a few Rough Riders. I will get horseshoes or die trying! Even if I have to rip the horses legs off and run away with those."
_________________________________________________________
Elsewhere completely unrelated a roughrider company suddenly lost control over their beasts as they panicked as if somewhere in the galaxy a being started hunting them with such enormous intensity and obsession that it made chaos look sane by comparison.
__________________________________________________________
Back in the odd room Miku and Gordonius was getting seriously worried about Mur'Phon's insane grin.
"Okaaaay. I think we need to find him another letter before he goes completely off the deep end." Gordonius said.
Miku found a letter addressed to Mur'Phon with indecent haste.
"Here read this please."
___________________________________________________________
Hey are you going to call yourself a Freelance Peace Keeping Agent?
After all it worked for Death's Head.
Actually I'd love for you to encounter Death's Head. Just don't call him a robot or a bounty hunter and he probably would kill you. Maybe.
___________________________________________________________
"Freelance Peace Keeping Agent? What kind of wuss calls himself that? It sounds like an overdose of political correctness. Anyway, who is Death's Head?"
"Death's Head appears in some of the Ad-Mech's most ancient and Holy Scriptures and recordings. Transformers, they speak of giant transforming robots fighting to protect mankind from other evil giant transforming robots." Gordonius requires.
"Sounds like entertainment for children."
"Well there are some heretics within the ad-mech who claims that what it was was made for. They have been artificially kept alive while being tortured for five centuries by now." Gordonius said. The Adeptus Mechanicus was the last bastion of transformers fanboys in the galaxy.
"Right. Next question."
____________________________________________________________
I have a question for Mur'phon, regarding what he thinks of his Empire's system of government, and what he really thinks of the Aun.
____________________________________________________________
"Well… If you have to ask. I think the basic concept is fucking stupid. It sounds nice but so far it seems that it's primarily the Aun's greater good we are working for. All of us serve them. And we force other aliens to serve us in turn. No equality there. Frankly if it hadn't been for what I suspect is pheromone control I'd probably start shooting them on sight. preferably with heavy railguns. Just to be on the safe side.
I like the idea of everyone sane grouping together and then blowing the shit out of everyone not sane, especially the orks, but the idea as it's now is a stupid barely veiled attempt at grabbing galactic power using both the Tau and other species grabbed along the way. Where the hell did they come from anyway? Straight out of the asshole of the galaxy?" Mur'Phon replied looking surprisingly calm
"Anyway, next question."
__________________________________________________________
To Mur'phon- Why did you join the army, did you have a choice? In hindsight would a career in the circus have appealed more?
To Gordonius- I have trouble starting my car in the morning, as a wise and mildly obsessive Tech Priest can you advise me how best to get my car working?
To Miku- Now that evisceration and flaying are off the list of preffered activities, how would you spend your free time if you weren't being chased by assorted monsters?
__________________________________________________________
"Well let's take them in order. No as a member of the fire caste I didn't have any choice. Trained from birth as all other fire caste. Yeah a circus seems like a much better option. Last time I checked genestealers don't try to rape you if you work in Circus. Gordonius your turn."
Gordonius had been out while Mur'Phon answered and inspected the car in question.
"Well after careful examination I have determined a possible way to fix it. Your machine spirit is grumpy and needs to be placated. The Air Freshener you have hanging from the mirror should be moved to the window wiper stick next to the indicator pointing at E to placate the machine spirit."
He paused then added. "Also you need to replace a fireplug."
Miku was thinking for her answer.
"Well I'm not sure. The first thing I want to do is really to discover myself. But after that... I don't really know. Get a cute furry pet maybe. Maybe try to settle down and get a family? There are so many things I would like to do…"
Mur'Phon started to look through his medical supplies for some insulin. He had a very low tolerance for things like this.
_________________________________________________________
Dear Mur'Phon. I recently came down with a huge hangover in all of my heads. I've never had one before, and I'm wondering if you know any good hangover cures. Love, The Hive Mind
_________________________________________________________
"Okay. This is a weird one." Mur'Phon commented.
"Can we get a map over all of observed space in here please?"
A 3D hologram of every observed object in the universe so far popped into existence.
"See this galaxy here." Mur'Phon pointed at the single most far away object he could spot.
"In the centre of this there is the best hangover cure in the universe. You should go there. Infact you should go there now before someone else gets it, hurry, hurry, hurry!"
"Next question please."
____________________________________________________
Dear filthy xenos- scu- I mean, Dear Miku: Where is Commeragh located, and where are the weakpoints in its defenses? Brother Captai- I mean, Just Wondering In Macragge?
____________________________________________________
"I can't remember anything about any Commeragh. I really wish I could help, but, and I'm so sorry, I can't. I'm really sorry." The look on her face was so sad, cute and apologetic that it could make thousands of fans all over the world start crying simultaneously.
"Give me a break, that guy is an asshole and deserves to be hit in full force by a hive fleet set on eating him. Unless it has already happened of course." Mur'Phon said.
___________________________________________________
Dear Mur'Phon, was it you who stole all the powerpacks for my gun right before my squad was attacked by orcs?
___________________________________________________
"Er… no comment." Mur'Phon said looking a bit guilty.
"Ew. What is this white stuff that's wrecked this letter?" Miku said trying to open a letter addressed for her. The return address mentioned someone called Setzer.
"I do not think you want to know right now." Gordonius answered.
___________________________________________________
To unnamed Sgt in chapter...3
Do you think that you got the shaft when the Power That Be killed you off in that scene with Miku?
____________________________________________________
"What?!" Came from both Miku and Mur'Phon at the same time.
"Chapter 3? Scene? What the hell is going on?"
"I've never killed anyone who wasn't a tyranid? Where they sentient after all? I don't want to be a murderer!"
Suddenly in one of the spare chairs a grizzled old sergeant appeared.
"Well I don't think so. It was the kind of death I expected actually. Dying to protect my men. Too bad they all got eaten soon after. And I can't fault this young lady for what another mind in charge of her body did. Yes I am the generic 'Hardass, but deep down really cares about my men and is a man of honour' sergeant."
He just disappeared after saying that.
"We're in a story. We are fucking characters in a story written by some sadistic hack who likes to see people suffer. We should hunt him down and give him some of what people have suffered so far in his amateurish writing!"
"Before you completely explode maybe we should take a look on the last letter."
"Well in my non-existence I don't have much else to do. Do I?"
_______________________________________________________
Dear Mur'phon: I got the gun you suggested, but things didn't work out. Know where I can find a good proctologist?
P.S. Why can't you make rounded guns? Why do they have to be square?
_______________________________________________________
That took all the aggression out of Mur'Phon for a moment as the question hit him like an Battleship on all full ahead ramming spike first.
"Well… You see… No comment." He managed to stutter out.
There was a few minutes of awkward silence.
"Hey who are these guys with sunglasses and dark suits? And what are those pen things they are holding up?" Miku asked.
There was a flash of light just before the characters disappeared and re-entered the story.
-
Elheru Aran
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 13073
- Joined: 2004-03-04 01:15am
- Location: Georgia
*dies laughing*
Me: Nope, that's why I have you around to tell me.
Nitram: You -are- beautiful. Anyone tries to tell you otherwise kill them.
"A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. LLAP" -- Leonard Nimoy, last Tweet
Chapter 8: Nights and firefights.
The town didn't have anything rating as a full hotel. It did have something that qualified as an inn though, and thanks to the catch of the three incompetent crooks the team had money to stay there for the night.
"You sure this is a good idea?" Mur'Phon said.
"Aw come on. Sleeping in a bed beats the ground." Miku said. It was her idea.
"I will admit she has a point. We can more than afford it."
"I have conceded haven't I? It just seems a bit pointless."
"Anyway… What's the worst that could happen?" Miku asked.
Mur'Phon spun around, even through the helmet radiating pure terror. "You did not just say that!!!"
_______________________________________________________
The guide has this to say on 'What is the worst that could happen?':
"It may seem a bit odd that a simple sentence gets an entry, but this one is a special case. It is the single sentence that should never ever be uttered no matter the circumstances. The mere act of saying it seems to trigger disasters. Last time I heard it said was when fighting Orks in the desert. Within 24 hours we were hit with by a sandstorm that none of our forecasts had seen, we lost over half our jetpack equipped units before we could get protection against it in place, then the main Ork force blundered into us...
At any rate if you have the misfortune of being near a fellow soldier who says this. I recommend you just shoot him and claim accidental weapons discharge, if he happens to have higher rank than you I recommend going AWOL for a few days until the disaster has blown over.
And if you are so unfortunate to blurt it out without thinking. Well... It was nice knowing you."
______________________________________________________
They entered the inn with Mur'Phon highly alert for anything that could become a threat.
"I'm sorry." Miku said. She knew it was her fault that Mur'Phon was so paranoid right now.
Mur'Phon bit back a retort that she would apologize for the sky being green (It was on Tarvin B) if someone complained about it.
The inn wasn't really that well kept. It was obvious the owner was cutting costs everywhere he could. Which suited Mur'Phon fine as it meant it was less likely employees of it would disturb him in his room.
The visitors looked like something out of a bad fantasy novel. The only thing that was really missing was some drunken dwarfs and a few cute short people lugging magic rings that had a tendency to corrupt files in the brain. Otherwise it was all there.
Miku took a step towards a free table.
"No." Mur'phon said.
"What harm can socializing a little do?"
"Get us all shot for one thing if we're lucky."
"C'mon. Please." There was the baby seal look again. Mur'Phon felt like he was refusing a small child another helping of desert.
"I said no. We go to our room. Maybe come down later to buy some food to bring to the room but that's it."
She gave an indignant noise, but turned around.
"Spoilsport."
"I prefer the word sensible."
In the bar two people nodded to each other. That had to be the target.
________________________________________________________
The room was filthy, cold and small, but it was still better than the outdoors Mur'Phon had to reluctantly admit as he put the trigger mechanism of the carbine down on the blanket. Field maintenance was important and it was the first time he had in quite some time to do it.
Miku was sitting in a corner looking decidedly bored and also annoyed at the same time. Annoyed like a kid who wanted out to play.
Gordonius was tinkering on some weird device, or atleast he seemed to. Mur'Phon had no doubt that the moment he turned back to the field maintenance the device turned out to be a camera and he started going paparazzi on the carbine. It was better to just tolerate that than try and stop him and make him do something nasty like hitting him with a tranq, grabbing the gun and running.
Somehow thinking about that gave him an odd urge to go out and kill every author he could find. Well who could explain why the mind connected things like it did?
He reached for a ration.
"Shouldn't you save your rations for later?" Miku said, both voice and expression making it plainly clear what she wanted.
"You will do anything to get an excuse to go down there won't you?"
"Uh huh." She nodded. Had there been any craftworld eldar present they would be horrified at how direct she was. She didn't even try to use the simplest riddles!
Mur'Phon sighed. Somehow he didn't think she'd stop complaining until she got her will.
"All right. Take some money and get something to eat. But get back up here pronto."
"Yes sir!" She grinned as she threw a mock salute, turned around and left.
"I just did something really stupid didn't I."
"The Omnissiah most probably agrees with you."
"Then why didn't you stop me?"
"Mostly because I am of the branch that believes that the Omnissiah also loves good entertainment."
"So we should be expected to start shooting in a few minutes."
"Most likely."
_________________________________________________________
Outside it was starting to get cold.
"How long until they go to sleep?"
"I heard Tau need more sleep than humans. Shouldn't be long now. Probably just after they eat."
"I hate chilly nights."
"Oh it could have been worse."
"Yeah it could have been..."
He was cut off by a thundercrack as a literal hammer of water fell down on them as it started raining, well pouring
____________________________________________________________
Miku went down the stairs just as it started raining. From the sounds of it really bad too. She was so glad she wasn't outside right now.
"Hey I'd like three... Grox steaks please." She said looking at the menu. Then she turned to the person next to her.
"Hi. My name's Miku."
She chatted happily with everyone around her waiting for the food, though in a corner of the room more sinister people were watching.
"Hey boss. That has to be the finest piece of ass I've seen all month."
The middle aged man in the middle of the group of four eating his dinner raised his eyes and looked fairly disinterested as he seemed to size Miku up from his table.
"Someone with those looks don't come around often. And I could use some entertainment tonight. Go over and hire her."
"Uh... I don't think she is a..."
"Everyone has their price. I can afford some expensive fun tonight."
"Yes boss." The henchman got up and walked over to Miku.
"Exuse me miss."
Miku turned around on her seat and looked down on the short somewhat chubby balding man.
"Yes?"
"My boss will make it worth your while if you come by his room later tonight to entertain."
"Oh... But I don't have any skills in entertainment. Atleast I don't think so. I'm suffering from amnesia."
"No, no. I mean that he would find the company of someone like you quite... Pleasurable."
Miku was a bit confused.
"Uh. I'm not sure I get what you mean. I don't think I'm that fun to be around."
The henchman resisted the urge sigh at how clueless she was.
"If you want me to spell it out he wants to do the dirty."
"Uh... The dirty? Just what does that mean?"
"You know, the horizontal mambo."
"Still don't get it."
"He wants to do you."
"Never heard that term before, that I can remember I mean."
"Hammer in the nail."
"So it involves carpeting?"
By now several people around them were fighting against the urge to giggle.
"No. It doesn't involve carpeting. Now listen you dumb broad..."
"Hey! Drop the insults, do I go around calling you baldy?"
That was it. The one insult he absolutely hated.
"Damn it you stupid whore!! You want me to spell it out for you?! He wants to bend you over and fuck you silly for cash!!" He yelled.
The entire room was silent. At the mobster table the boss buried his face in his hands.
"Whatever Baldy" Miku said as got up taking the Grox steaks that had been cooling for several minutes now with her. Her mood was thoroughly ruined by this short fellow. Several of the people around her gave baldy nasty looks as they had found her very pleasant company.
As she walked up the stars she stopped to consider, what did she know about sex anyway? It was a really a skill so she should be able to remember some of it. She stopped. Concentrated and closed her eyes for a second.
They flew open again. Her blushing face was so red it could probably be seen from orbit.
"Oh dear..." She said weakly.
______________________________________________________________
"Boss I..."
"Shut up. You and that broad made me lose face. And we can't have that can we? If I lose face, I lose respect. If I lose respect I get angry. Marty, take him outside for a quick stop and then come back in. We will teach that broad some respect." He was the most feared man in the town and wasn't about to let anyone make him look stupid.
Baldy froze up as he recognized the code for kill and didn't say a word as he was practically dragged out.
______________________________________________________________
Mur'Phon raised his head from where he sat on his bed in the darkened room.
"Finally, I was beginning to worry." He knocked at the side of his helmet.
"There's gotta be something wrong with the infrared. It says your face is several degrees hotter than the rest of you."
"Er... Change of subjects please." She said in a rather weak voice as she put the food on the table.
"Right." He didn't understand why she was so uncomfortable. He would have to look up human characteristics again.
"Hm... Kinda cold. Humans let it cool before they serve it?"
"Well... Yes" Miku lied.
"Humans have weird habits. It's much better when it's hot."
"It's a cheap place after all right?" She said hoping he didn't catch on.
"That. Or you just sat down there having fun while our food cooled. Either way food is food."
"Nothing bad has happened yet right?"
"Trust me it will."
That was when she noted that the window was boobytrapped
"Do you ever consider that maybe you are too paranoid?" She asked wondering where the hell he had managed to get his hands on those things as they didn't look like Tau issue.
"Paranoia is a survival trait. Now step away from the door please. I got some salvaged directional anti-personal mines that are just itching to blow people up."
"Just remember to remove them before the cleaning maid arrives." Gordonius commented
"If they can't be arsed to invest in armour for their personnel it's not my fault. And besides it will give some more to do for her colleagues."
___________________________________________________
"Is he asleep yet."
"Yeah. He did something to the door then went to his bed. The rest of the group are getting into the beds too."
"Can we kill him now?"
"We should wait a bit until we are sure he is asleep."
"C'mon. Please?"
"Oh all right." They started climbing up to the window and got ready to kick it in.
__________________________________________________________
"They should be asleep now. Go in. Take care of anyone else in the room and bring her to me. After I am done with her you can have your fun." The two goons approached the door and got ready to bust in violently.
__________________________________________________________
There were two near simultaneous explosions and Mur'Phon exploded out of bed weapon at the ready.
The door was the primary threat. He ran over and tossed a photon grenade out of the shredded wooden plate.
Down the corner the criminal got stunned by the grenade as Mur'Phon did a quick sweep in infrared ascertaining no more foes there and checked the window. There were two oddly dressed brutally mauled corpses on the ground.
He walked over to the sole survivor.
"So what did you want?" He asked casually. There was quite a bit of screaming and people running around, but Mur'Phon was getting used to it by now so he wasn't bothered.
"Y... You know who I am?" The man managed to compose himself after the first try.
"No. Should I? Now what did you want."
"I have powerful friends. You won't get away with this."
"Right. And they'll be of help to you how if I just decide to blow your head off?" Mur'Phon frankly wasn't impressed at what this one man could POSSIBLY use against him.
"I can afford to make it worth your while. I wasn't here after you. I was just trying to pay that girl back for insulting me."
"Ah so you are a criminal. Good. You are aware that I'm a bounty hunter right?"
Gordonius and Miku stepped out from the room seeing him holding him at gunpoint
"There aren't any bounties on me!" He hoped he could pay himself out of it.
"Actually there is. Just that nobody was willing to take it because the higher ups in your chain are considered too dangerous."
"Dead or alive?"
"Both, but less if he's dead."
"Right."
"I will remember this. I will get revenge!" He said a bit more bravado when he was sure he wouldn't be killed.
"I highly doubt that." Said Mur'Phon and fired. The 'dead' bounty was a lot easier to claim.
"Was that really necessary?" Miku asked as usual horrified in how casually Mur'Phon was willing to kill.
"Well, it saves us the trouble of having to run into him time and time again." Mur'Phon reasoned.
The town didn't have anything rating as a full hotel. It did have something that qualified as an inn though, and thanks to the catch of the three incompetent crooks the team had money to stay there for the night.
"You sure this is a good idea?" Mur'Phon said.
"Aw come on. Sleeping in a bed beats the ground." Miku said. It was her idea.
"I will admit she has a point. We can more than afford it."
"I have conceded haven't I? It just seems a bit pointless."
"Anyway… What's the worst that could happen?" Miku asked.
Mur'Phon spun around, even through the helmet radiating pure terror. "You did not just say that!!!"
_______________________________________________________
The guide has this to say on 'What is the worst that could happen?':
"It may seem a bit odd that a simple sentence gets an entry, but this one is a special case. It is the single sentence that should never ever be uttered no matter the circumstances. The mere act of saying it seems to trigger disasters. Last time I heard it said was when fighting Orks in the desert. Within 24 hours we were hit with by a sandstorm that none of our forecasts had seen, we lost over half our jetpack equipped units before we could get protection against it in place, then the main Ork force blundered into us...
At any rate if you have the misfortune of being near a fellow soldier who says this. I recommend you just shoot him and claim accidental weapons discharge, if he happens to have higher rank than you I recommend going AWOL for a few days until the disaster has blown over.
And if you are so unfortunate to blurt it out without thinking. Well... It was nice knowing you."
______________________________________________________
They entered the inn with Mur'Phon highly alert for anything that could become a threat.
"I'm sorry." Miku said. She knew it was her fault that Mur'Phon was so paranoid right now.
Mur'Phon bit back a retort that she would apologize for the sky being green (It was on Tarvin B) if someone complained about it.
The inn wasn't really that well kept. It was obvious the owner was cutting costs everywhere he could. Which suited Mur'Phon fine as it meant it was less likely employees of it would disturb him in his room.
The visitors looked like something out of a bad fantasy novel. The only thing that was really missing was some drunken dwarfs and a few cute short people lugging magic rings that had a tendency to corrupt files in the brain. Otherwise it was all there.
Miku took a step towards a free table.
"No." Mur'phon said.
"What harm can socializing a little do?"
"Get us all shot for one thing if we're lucky."
"C'mon. Please." There was the baby seal look again. Mur'Phon felt like he was refusing a small child another helping of desert.
"I said no. We go to our room. Maybe come down later to buy some food to bring to the room but that's it."
She gave an indignant noise, but turned around.
"Spoilsport."
"I prefer the word sensible."
In the bar two people nodded to each other. That had to be the target.
________________________________________________________
The room was filthy, cold and small, but it was still better than the outdoors Mur'Phon had to reluctantly admit as he put the trigger mechanism of the carbine down on the blanket. Field maintenance was important and it was the first time he had in quite some time to do it.
Miku was sitting in a corner looking decidedly bored and also annoyed at the same time. Annoyed like a kid who wanted out to play.
Gordonius was tinkering on some weird device, or atleast he seemed to. Mur'Phon had no doubt that the moment he turned back to the field maintenance the device turned out to be a camera and he started going paparazzi on the carbine. It was better to just tolerate that than try and stop him and make him do something nasty like hitting him with a tranq, grabbing the gun and running.
Somehow thinking about that gave him an odd urge to go out and kill every author he could find. Well who could explain why the mind connected things like it did?
He reached for a ration.
"Shouldn't you save your rations for later?" Miku said, both voice and expression making it plainly clear what she wanted.
"You will do anything to get an excuse to go down there won't you?"
"Uh huh." She nodded. Had there been any craftworld eldar present they would be horrified at how direct she was. She didn't even try to use the simplest riddles!
Mur'Phon sighed. Somehow he didn't think she'd stop complaining until she got her will.
"All right. Take some money and get something to eat. But get back up here pronto."
"Yes sir!" She grinned as she threw a mock salute, turned around and left.
"I just did something really stupid didn't I."
"The Omnissiah most probably agrees with you."
"Then why didn't you stop me?"
"Mostly because I am of the branch that believes that the Omnissiah also loves good entertainment."
"So we should be expected to start shooting in a few minutes."
"Most likely."
_________________________________________________________
Outside it was starting to get cold.
"How long until they go to sleep?"
"I heard Tau need more sleep than humans. Shouldn't be long now. Probably just after they eat."
"I hate chilly nights."
"Oh it could have been worse."
"Yeah it could have been..."
He was cut off by a thundercrack as a literal hammer of water fell down on them as it started raining, well pouring
____________________________________________________________
Miku went down the stairs just as it started raining. From the sounds of it really bad too. She was so glad she wasn't outside right now.
"Hey I'd like three... Grox steaks please." She said looking at the menu. Then she turned to the person next to her.
"Hi. My name's Miku."
She chatted happily with everyone around her waiting for the food, though in a corner of the room more sinister people were watching.
"Hey boss. That has to be the finest piece of ass I've seen all month."
The middle aged man in the middle of the group of four eating his dinner raised his eyes and looked fairly disinterested as he seemed to size Miku up from his table.
"Someone with those looks don't come around often. And I could use some entertainment tonight. Go over and hire her."
"Uh... I don't think she is a..."
"Everyone has their price. I can afford some expensive fun tonight."
"Yes boss." The henchman got up and walked over to Miku.
"Exuse me miss."
Miku turned around on her seat and looked down on the short somewhat chubby balding man.
"Yes?"
"My boss will make it worth your while if you come by his room later tonight to entertain."
"Oh... But I don't have any skills in entertainment. Atleast I don't think so. I'm suffering from amnesia."
"No, no. I mean that he would find the company of someone like you quite... Pleasurable."
Miku was a bit confused.
"Uh. I'm not sure I get what you mean. I don't think I'm that fun to be around."
The henchman resisted the urge sigh at how clueless she was.
"If you want me to spell it out he wants to do the dirty."
"Uh... The dirty? Just what does that mean?"
"You know, the horizontal mambo."
"Still don't get it."
"He wants to do you."
"Never heard that term before, that I can remember I mean."
"Hammer in the nail."
"So it involves carpeting?"
By now several people around them were fighting against the urge to giggle.
"No. It doesn't involve carpeting. Now listen you dumb broad..."
"Hey! Drop the insults, do I go around calling you baldy?"
That was it. The one insult he absolutely hated.
"Damn it you stupid whore!! You want me to spell it out for you?! He wants to bend you over and fuck you silly for cash!!" He yelled.
The entire room was silent. At the mobster table the boss buried his face in his hands.
"Whatever Baldy" Miku said as got up taking the Grox steaks that had been cooling for several minutes now with her. Her mood was thoroughly ruined by this short fellow. Several of the people around her gave baldy nasty looks as they had found her very pleasant company.
As she walked up the stars she stopped to consider, what did she know about sex anyway? It was a really a skill so she should be able to remember some of it. She stopped. Concentrated and closed her eyes for a second.
They flew open again. Her blushing face was so red it could probably be seen from orbit.
"Oh dear..." She said weakly.
______________________________________________________________
"Boss I..."
"Shut up. You and that broad made me lose face. And we can't have that can we? If I lose face, I lose respect. If I lose respect I get angry. Marty, take him outside for a quick stop and then come back in. We will teach that broad some respect." He was the most feared man in the town and wasn't about to let anyone make him look stupid.
Baldy froze up as he recognized the code for kill and didn't say a word as he was practically dragged out.
______________________________________________________________
Mur'Phon raised his head from where he sat on his bed in the darkened room.
"Finally, I was beginning to worry." He knocked at the side of his helmet.
"There's gotta be something wrong with the infrared. It says your face is several degrees hotter than the rest of you."
"Er... Change of subjects please." She said in a rather weak voice as she put the food on the table.
"Right." He didn't understand why she was so uncomfortable. He would have to look up human characteristics again.
"Hm... Kinda cold. Humans let it cool before they serve it?"
"Well... Yes" Miku lied.
"Humans have weird habits. It's much better when it's hot."
"It's a cheap place after all right?" She said hoping he didn't catch on.
"That. Or you just sat down there having fun while our food cooled. Either way food is food."
"Nothing bad has happened yet right?"
"Trust me it will."
That was when she noted that the window was boobytrapped
"Do you ever consider that maybe you are too paranoid?" She asked wondering where the hell he had managed to get his hands on those things as they didn't look like Tau issue.
"Paranoia is a survival trait. Now step away from the door please. I got some salvaged directional anti-personal mines that are just itching to blow people up."
"Just remember to remove them before the cleaning maid arrives." Gordonius commented
"If they can't be arsed to invest in armour for their personnel it's not my fault. And besides it will give some more to do for her colleagues."
___________________________________________________
"Is he asleep yet."
"Yeah. He did something to the door then went to his bed. The rest of the group are getting into the beds too."
"Can we kill him now?"
"We should wait a bit until we are sure he is asleep."
"C'mon. Please?"
"Oh all right." They started climbing up to the window and got ready to kick it in.
__________________________________________________________
"They should be asleep now. Go in. Take care of anyone else in the room and bring her to me. After I am done with her you can have your fun." The two goons approached the door and got ready to bust in violently.
__________________________________________________________
There were two near simultaneous explosions and Mur'Phon exploded out of bed weapon at the ready.
The door was the primary threat. He ran over and tossed a photon grenade out of the shredded wooden plate.
Down the corner the criminal got stunned by the grenade as Mur'Phon did a quick sweep in infrared ascertaining no more foes there and checked the window. There were two oddly dressed brutally mauled corpses on the ground.
He walked over to the sole survivor.
"So what did you want?" He asked casually. There was quite a bit of screaming and people running around, but Mur'Phon was getting used to it by now so he wasn't bothered.
"Y... You know who I am?" The man managed to compose himself after the first try.
"No. Should I? Now what did you want."
"I have powerful friends. You won't get away with this."
"Right. And they'll be of help to you how if I just decide to blow your head off?" Mur'Phon frankly wasn't impressed at what this one man could POSSIBLY use against him.
"I can afford to make it worth your while. I wasn't here after you. I was just trying to pay that girl back for insulting me."
"Ah so you are a criminal. Good. You are aware that I'm a bounty hunter right?"
Gordonius and Miku stepped out from the room seeing him holding him at gunpoint
"There aren't any bounties on me!" He hoped he could pay himself out of it.
"Actually there is. Just that nobody was willing to take it because the higher ups in your chain are considered too dangerous."
"Dead or alive?"
"Both, but less if he's dead."
"Right."
"I will remember this. I will get revenge!" He said a bit more bravado when he was sure he wouldn't be killed.
"I highly doubt that." Said Mur'Phon and fired. The 'dead' bounty was a lot easier to claim.
"Was that really necessary?" Miku asked as usual horrified in how casually Mur'Phon was willing to kill.
"Well, it saves us the trouble of having to run into him time and time again." Mur'Phon reasoned.
You need to make the last discussion with the criminal a bit clearer on who's saying what. Other than that, Great Job!
Me: Nope, that's why I have you around to tell me.
Nitram: You -are- beautiful. Anyone tries to tell you otherwise kill them.
"A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. LLAP" -- Leonard Nimoy, last Tweet
-
NecronLord
- Harbinger of Doom
- Posts: 27383
- Joined: 2002-07-07 06:30am
- Location: The Lost City
With the exception of the point Tevar made, excellent.
Superior Moderator - BotB - HAB [Drill Instructor]-Writer- Stardestroyer.net's resident Star-God.
"We believe in the systematic understanding of the physical world through observation and experimentation, argument and debate and most of all freedom of will." ~ Stargate: The Ark of Truth
"We believe in the systematic understanding of the physical world through observation and experimentation, argument and debate and most of all freedom of will." ~ Stargate: The Ark of Truth
Where's the next update? 
Me: Nope, that's why I have you around to tell me.
Nitram: You -are- beautiful. Anyone tries to tell you otherwise kill them.
"A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. LLAP" -- Leonard Nimoy, last Tweet
-
NecronLord
- Harbinger of Doom
- Posts: 27383
- Joined: 2002-07-07 06:30am
- Location: The Lost City
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Academia Nut
- Sith Devotee
- Posts: 2598
- Joined: 2005-08-23 10:44pm
- Location: Edmonton, Alberta
Ooooh! Greeskins!
Also, has anyone considered the damage that would occur if Mur'Phon and Ciaphas Caine were to ever be in the same system, let alone meet? I think something like Abbadon the Despoiler, the Nightbringer, the Deceiver, Grazghull Mag Uruk Thraka, their respective armies and the entire Hive Fleet Leviathan would have to arrive simultaneously, with several full chapters of Space Marines (including the Grey Knights), several dozen Imperial Guard regiments and a significant percentage of the Inquisitors thrown in for good measure. While true that both Mur'Phon and Caine would survive, their combined knack at stumbling into the worst possible situation would generate some sort of black hole of bad luck capable of causing Tzeentch to either crap his pants in horror or cream them in delight.
So yeah, having the funniest and most unlucky member of 40k fiction meet the funniest and most unlucky member of 40k fanfiction would be a "bad" idea *wink-wink* *nudge-nudge*
Other than that, you take your time Rogue 11. Greatness such as this mustn't be rushed, and I would bow down before you if the Emperor hadn't already claimed my fealty. Oh well.
Also, has anyone considered the damage that would occur if Mur'Phon and Ciaphas Caine were to ever be in the same system, let alone meet? I think something like Abbadon the Despoiler, the Nightbringer, the Deceiver, Grazghull Mag Uruk Thraka, their respective armies and the entire Hive Fleet Leviathan would have to arrive simultaneously, with several full chapters of Space Marines (including the Grey Knights), several dozen Imperial Guard regiments and a significant percentage of the Inquisitors thrown in for good measure. While true that both Mur'Phon and Caine would survive, their combined knack at stumbling into the worst possible situation would generate some sort of black hole of bad luck capable of causing Tzeentch to either crap his pants in horror or cream them in delight.
So yeah, having the funniest and most unlucky member of 40k fiction meet the funniest and most unlucky member of 40k fanfiction would be a "bad" idea *wink-wink* *nudge-nudge*
Other than that, you take your time Rogue 11. Greatness such as this mustn't be rushed, and I would bow down before you if the Emperor hadn't already claimed my fealty. Oh well.
I love learning. Teach me. I will listen.
You know, if Christian dogma included a ten-foot tall Jesus walking around in battle armor and smashing retarded cultists with a gaint mace, I might just convert - Noble Ire on Jesus smashing Scientologists
You know, if Christian dogma included a ten-foot tall Jesus walking around in battle armor and smashing retarded cultists with a gaint mace, I might just convert - Noble Ire on Jesus smashing Scientologists
Merry christmas guys. Here's a little something from me to everyone who likes this story.
Interlude 3: A christmas story.
It was the night before the night before Christmas, there was nary a sound.
Well except the ear splitting scream as Santa's helpers found the note in his room that is.
"Santa's been kidnapped!"
_______________________________________________________
There was only one choice really. This close to Christmas they couldn't find a qualified replacement in time. And if they revealed it to the public there would be panic and the inquisition would get involved and there were a lot of shady dealings in Santa's work shop by imperial standards. He did deliver to some xenos too after all. So they needed external help.
They asked for some specialists from the Tau. The Tau had been pissed ever since he stopped giving them coal (Which had seriously helped them keep their heating bills down) and started giving them useless toys instead so they decided to send the bottom of the barrel. A Shas'la with fairly low training scores going by the name of Mur'Phon who seemed to be constantly at ground zero for disasters.
Mur'Phon was reading the letter.
"Giv us da biggest shootaz in da oo-nee-verz or Santa getz it." It said.
"As you can see it seems the Orks kidnapped Santa."
"I don't buy it. The sentence is fairly coherent even if it's in their typical language." Mur'Phon was arguing with one of the elves.
"Right who else would write like that?"
"Well there's a lot of good Ork translators on the 'net. Maybe they wanted to throw us off?"
"Why?"
"Isn't it obvious? This close to christmas there is little chance you could manage to pay any ransom in time to matter. So I guess they rather want him out of the way so christmas gets ruined."
"That's... Horrible. How did you hit on that logic?"
"That's easy. All these stupid christmas stories have the same theme. Anyway. Who will I be liaising with while I'm here? You?"
"No I'm a busy, busy man. We've got someone who is a lot more fan friendly to do that job."
She was tall and fair skinned with dark hair with pointy ears barely peeking out from it. She was wearing a red christmas hat and had a low cut red top with white furry edges that stopped slightly above the navel and a very short skirt with the same style. All over the world fanboys started drooling (Both of them).
"Oh... Kay. I see we're sinking to the level of gratuitous fan service" Mur'Phon said throwing ugly glances towards the fourth wall.
"Hey it's not my fault it was the only clothes they had in my size. Besides they are comfy." Miku said.
"We get her because the eldar felt she was an embarrassment what with her not talking in riddles and such. And since eldar are really elves she might as well get a job here."
"Right, c'mon girl we're taking a look around."
"Aren't you gonna do forensics or anything?"
"I may be a bounty hunter on the side, but my skills are pretty much exclusively kicking ass and causing mayhem. And if you'll be surprised at how many problems properly applied mayhem can solve."
_____________________________________________________
The vehicle hangar was packed with all sorts of well?. Weird vehicles.
There was the famous sled of course, with its 8 Reindeer custodes equipped with power antlers. The sled itself carried enough ordnance to worry a full strength hive fleet. After all it was a dangerous galaxy. Then there were the assorted christmas colored vehicles with a heavy tilt towards Imperium vehicles including a massive thunderhawk with christmas bells on the side as well as full combat loadout.
Who was keeping this fleet of small craft running? Well that was easy. The Ex-Skitarii trooper turned tech priest in charge of the hangar was more than up to doing that. Though other races rarely visited this place any more as he had a tendency to take their equipment apart when they weren't looking and when he put it together again... Well so far the success rate for reassembling on first try was kinda... slightly less than optimal.
"So there have been no vehicles leaving or teleports since last week?"
"Yes. We usually shut them down about then precisely because of those four times the Genestealer Cult Grinches decided to do a last minute strike on us. We lost many jolly elves those days." He was silent for a moment in remembrance of the cookies they would never make again (Really tasty cookies) then turned cheerful again.
"Say I've never had a look on Tau weaponry. Can I borrow your gun?" The tech Priest Gordonius asked.
"How about I shove a grenade up your butt?"
"Where's your sense of christmas cheer?"
"Sold it on eBay."
"See. Materialism is ruining christmas."
_________________________________________________________
There were three of them heading down to the bar.
"Why are we heading to the bar? Hoping to talk to some contacts?" Miku asked.
"Because I'm thirsty and I'm tired of eggnog. And a more important question is why is the techpriest following us?"
"I figured I could be off help." Gordonius answered.
"And of course I may happen to leave my carbine unattended for a moment and that in no way factor into your thinking does it."
"Well?"
"That was a rhetoric question."
They entered the bar. Mur'Phon wasn't a heavy drinker, but this case was giving him a headache and he needed something to drink.
The bar was filled with depressed christmas elves. There had been a mishap in genetics department and a horrible evil creature (That looked suspiciously like a half sized teletubbie) had rampaged through it for almost half an hour until it was subdued. The casualties had been heavy and a lot of elves had lost their loved ones.
Which meant the human sized guy in black cloak wasn't very hard to miss among all the midgets.
"I think I'll skip the drink. I got a hunch that the guy over there knows something about the case."
"Oh? What makes you think that?" Miku asked.
"This is a one-off. Meaning it's got to be resolved pretty soon and since he got emphasis he's either the basis for a joke or plot important or both."
"Won't breaking the fourth wall piss of our fans?"
"We're hoping your getup will distract them from it."
A guy walked up to Miku and tried to get something over her head. It was a short, tubby and balding guy. The kind that most likely was dead in main storyline.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm trying to get a mistletoe branch over your head. Why do you have to be so damn tall? Stay there I'll get a ladder."
Miku turned to Gordonius.
"I try to be a nice girl, but that guy gives me the urge to wait until he gets the ladder. Then kick it over as he's climbing up."
"Don't worry. That's a perfectly normal reaction to that guy."
___________________________________________________
Mur'Phon approached the cloaked stranger.
"Good evening stranger. How's business."
The stranger didn't turn around.
"Ah as good as can be expected."
"Oh. What is hindering it?"
"Well you know stuff."
"Stuff like Santanapping?" Mur'Phon was in a hurry (He hadn't gotten around to do his Christmas shopping yet) and didn't feel dancing around.
The stranger flinched visibly.
"How?" He asked simply.
"I read the script." Mur'Phon bluffed, he was never allowed to see it, but neither was anyone else so this guy couldn't know this. The stranger seemed to panic. Mur'Phon grinned. He had a suspect
The story would have ended then and there if not for the fact that baldy was kinda stupid.
There was a loud crash as his ladder was kicked over. Mur'Phon instinctively turned towards the noise and the stranger bolted.
Mur'Phon swore gratuitously and yelled for his comrades to follow him.
The obligatory chase scene was on.
________________________________________________________
The streets of polar city were packed with people being thrown about like bowling pins as the cloaked man ran through then. They got up and managed to look a bit confused before being thrown aside again as a Tau followed closely by a hot eldar and a techpriest ran past.
The man they were chasing was surprisingly fit for his build. They were gaining though.
"He's heading for the archive!"
The great archive, listing who was naughty or nice, and all files were stored in paper copies as well as electronic. They used some severe dimensional tampering to fit it all, and elves were running around updating the paper files with telescopic ladders allowing them to access all of them.
The stranger tore down several ladders sending screaming elves flying as he tried to slow his pursuers.
Mur'Phon raised his weapon for a snapshot.
"No don't..." Gordonius began just as he fired. And ignited the thick layers of dust the ladders being thrown down had knocked up. The flash fire was safely in front of them, but it burned to death sixteen more elves screaming horribly and incinerated the entire section for Necromunda.
"Er... I hope that was insured" Mur'Phon said before he started running again.
The fire spread as they followed him through the door into the main workshop. Elves were still busy the last few days trying to get the last batch of Christmas gifts ready. They had lost a lot of time when they had tried to strike for better working conditions earlier the year, but quick use of Space Marines from the Santa's Samaritans chapter had squashed it. The survivors now had four times the workload and there had been an unusually high number of elves getting dragged into heavy machinery screaming as they were torn apart. The management had been trying to improve morale and put a positive spin on it by saying they were screaming as it was as fun as a really extreme rollercoaster, not because they were slowly and painfully killed by remorseless machines.
The fact that a significant number of them bought this explanation seemed to confirm the theory that there was quite a lot of inbreeding going on among them.
At any rate the stranger barreled through them sending them flying into eachother, the machines and into the slippery pools of blood from those sucked into the machines falling and breaking their tiny necks. The Polar city hadn't been the same since Walmart started acting as advisor to Santa on matters of working conditiion.
The heroes followed at a run.
"He's heading for the hangar!" Miku said.
"If he gets into Santa's sled we'll never catch him!" Gordonius replied
"Don't worry. I prepared ahead for that." Said Mur'Phon and slowed down to save his breath, but still appear to be pursuing.
"What?"
"I knew the author would try to set up a big chase with those vehicles and rigged the two that were described with anti-personel mines designed to wound."
"What if someone else tried to use them?" Miku said a bit worried
"I had multiple layers so it'd take quite a few Christmas elves to clear them." Mur'Phon answered completely missing the point.
The stranger entered the hangar. And a few seconds later there was a loud boom.
At a calm walk Mur'Phon entered the hangar seeing the stranger lying in a pool of his own blood his right arm completely ripped off.
"So... Time to resolve this plot, the man who kidnapped Santa was..." He reached out and ripped the mask off.
"Santa!!!" The three of them said in unison.
"And I would have gotten away with it too if it, wasn't for you meddling xenos and that tech priest." The not-so-jolly-right-now fat bearded man said grimacing in pain for his lost arm.
"But why?" Miku.
"Because Christmas was getting too much for me! When I had to expand to cover the entire galaxy it just got too much. I never have a spare moment anymore. Thanks to time meddling I always got enough time to get the gifts out, but it takes over 40.000 years subjectively. And the rest of the year I have to spend all my time preparing for that. I can't take it anymore and I wanted to ruin it to finally have some spare time!"
"Couldn't you just use that time dilation to take a few decades vacation on christmas eve?" Miku asked.
Santa looked at her for a moment.
"Doh!"
_________________________________________________________
And so christmas was saved. Santa set out the day after when he had finished getting his new bionic arm fitted and they were done sending christmas elves at his sled to clear out the mines Mur'Phon had put there. Santa himself spent a lot of time in the best tourist spots in the galaxy during this christmas eve. For the heroes of Christmas he got something special for each of them.
For Gordonius he got a crate of xenos weaponry that he could tinker with to his hearts delight.
For Miku he went to great lengths to acquire a pet: A young treekitten who bonded with her immediately.
And for Mur'Phon For his penchant for disaster he gave several preserved four leaf clovers, a couple of horse shoes and a masterfully made hare-paw to improve his luck.
A happy ending for all (Except those Christmas elves who got caught in the crossfire, but they were expendable anyway).
Merry Christmas and Happy new year.
Except for those bastards from the Inquisition's Ordo Hereticus that is.
The end.
Interlude 3: A christmas story.
It was the night before the night before Christmas, there was nary a sound.
Well except the ear splitting scream as Santa's helpers found the note in his room that is.
"Santa's been kidnapped!"
_______________________________________________________
There was only one choice really. This close to Christmas they couldn't find a qualified replacement in time. And if they revealed it to the public there would be panic and the inquisition would get involved and there were a lot of shady dealings in Santa's work shop by imperial standards. He did deliver to some xenos too after all. So they needed external help.
They asked for some specialists from the Tau. The Tau had been pissed ever since he stopped giving them coal (Which had seriously helped them keep their heating bills down) and started giving them useless toys instead so they decided to send the bottom of the barrel. A Shas'la with fairly low training scores going by the name of Mur'Phon who seemed to be constantly at ground zero for disasters.
Mur'Phon was reading the letter.
"Giv us da biggest shootaz in da oo-nee-verz or Santa getz it." It said.
"As you can see it seems the Orks kidnapped Santa."
"I don't buy it. The sentence is fairly coherent even if it's in their typical language." Mur'Phon was arguing with one of the elves.
"Right who else would write like that?"
"Well there's a lot of good Ork translators on the 'net. Maybe they wanted to throw us off?"
"Why?"
"Isn't it obvious? This close to christmas there is little chance you could manage to pay any ransom in time to matter. So I guess they rather want him out of the way so christmas gets ruined."
"That's... Horrible. How did you hit on that logic?"
"That's easy. All these stupid christmas stories have the same theme. Anyway. Who will I be liaising with while I'm here? You?"
"No I'm a busy, busy man. We've got someone who is a lot more fan friendly to do that job."
She was tall and fair skinned with dark hair with pointy ears barely peeking out from it. She was wearing a red christmas hat and had a low cut red top with white furry edges that stopped slightly above the navel and a very short skirt with the same style. All over the world fanboys started drooling (Both of them).
"Oh... Kay. I see we're sinking to the level of gratuitous fan service" Mur'Phon said throwing ugly glances towards the fourth wall.
"Hey it's not my fault it was the only clothes they had in my size. Besides they are comfy." Miku said.
"We get her because the eldar felt she was an embarrassment what with her not talking in riddles and such. And since eldar are really elves she might as well get a job here."
"Right, c'mon girl we're taking a look around."
"Aren't you gonna do forensics or anything?"
"I may be a bounty hunter on the side, but my skills are pretty much exclusively kicking ass and causing mayhem. And if you'll be surprised at how many problems properly applied mayhem can solve."
_____________________________________________________
The vehicle hangar was packed with all sorts of well?. Weird vehicles.
There was the famous sled of course, with its 8 Reindeer custodes equipped with power antlers. The sled itself carried enough ordnance to worry a full strength hive fleet. After all it was a dangerous galaxy. Then there were the assorted christmas colored vehicles with a heavy tilt towards Imperium vehicles including a massive thunderhawk with christmas bells on the side as well as full combat loadout.
Who was keeping this fleet of small craft running? Well that was easy. The Ex-Skitarii trooper turned tech priest in charge of the hangar was more than up to doing that. Though other races rarely visited this place any more as he had a tendency to take their equipment apart when they weren't looking and when he put it together again... Well so far the success rate for reassembling on first try was kinda... slightly less than optimal.
"So there have been no vehicles leaving or teleports since last week?"
"Yes. We usually shut them down about then precisely because of those four times the Genestealer Cult Grinches decided to do a last minute strike on us. We lost many jolly elves those days." He was silent for a moment in remembrance of the cookies they would never make again (Really tasty cookies) then turned cheerful again.
"Say I've never had a look on Tau weaponry. Can I borrow your gun?" The tech Priest Gordonius asked.
"How about I shove a grenade up your butt?"
"Where's your sense of christmas cheer?"
"Sold it on eBay."
"See. Materialism is ruining christmas."
_________________________________________________________
There were three of them heading down to the bar.
"Why are we heading to the bar? Hoping to talk to some contacts?" Miku asked.
"Because I'm thirsty and I'm tired of eggnog. And a more important question is why is the techpriest following us?"
"I figured I could be off help." Gordonius answered.
"And of course I may happen to leave my carbine unattended for a moment and that in no way factor into your thinking does it."
"Well?"
"That was a rhetoric question."
They entered the bar. Mur'Phon wasn't a heavy drinker, but this case was giving him a headache and he needed something to drink.
The bar was filled with depressed christmas elves. There had been a mishap in genetics department and a horrible evil creature (That looked suspiciously like a half sized teletubbie) had rampaged through it for almost half an hour until it was subdued. The casualties had been heavy and a lot of elves had lost their loved ones.
Which meant the human sized guy in black cloak wasn't very hard to miss among all the midgets.
"I think I'll skip the drink. I got a hunch that the guy over there knows something about the case."
"Oh? What makes you think that?" Miku asked.
"This is a one-off. Meaning it's got to be resolved pretty soon and since he got emphasis he's either the basis for a joke or plot important or both."
"Won't breaking the fourth wall piss of our fans?"
"We're hoping your getup will distract them from it."
A guy walked up to Miku and tried to get something over her head. It was a short, tubby and balding guy. The kind that most likely was dead in main storyline.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm trying to get a mistletoe branch over your head. Why do you have to be so damn tall? Stay there I'll get a ladder."
Miku turned to Gordonius.
"I try to be a nice girl, but that guy gives me the urge to wait until he gets the ladder. Then kick it over as he's climbing up."
"Don't worry. That's a perfectly normal reaction to that guy."
___________________________________________________
Mur'Phon approached the cloaked stranger.
"Good evening stranger. How's business."
The stranger didn't turn around.
"Ah as good as can be expected."
"Oh. What is hindering it?"
"Well you know stuff."
"Stuff like Santanapping?" Mur'Phon was in a hurry (He hadn't gotten around to do his Christmas shopping yet) and didn't feel dancing around.
The stranger flinched visibly.
"How?" He asked simply.
"I read the script." Mur'Phon bluffed, he was never allowed to see it, but neither was anyone else so this guy couldn't know this. The stranger seemed to panic. Mur'Phon grinned. He had a suspect
The story would have ended then and there if not for the fact that baldy was kinda stupid.
There was a loud crash as his ladder was kicked over. Mur'Phon instinctively turned towards the noise and the stranger bolted.
Mur'Phon swore gratuitously and yelled for his comrades to follow him.
The obligatory chase scene was on.
________________________________________________________
The streets of polar city were packed with people being thrown about like bowling pins as the cloaked man ran through then. They got up and managed to look a bit confused before being thrown aside again as a Tau followed closely by a hot eldar and a techpriest ran past.
The man they were chasing was surprisingly fit for his build. They were gaining though.
"He's heading for the archive!"
The great archive, listing who was naughty or nice, and all files were stored in paper copies as well as electronic. They used some severe dimensional tampering to fit it all, and elves were running around updating the paper files with telescopic ladders allowing them to access all of them.
The stranger tore down several ladders sending screaming elves flying as he tried to slow his pursuers.
Mur'Phon raised his weapon for a snapshot.
"No don't..." Gordonius began just as he fired. And ignited the thick layers of dust the ladders being thrown down had knocked up. The flash fire was safely in front of them, but it burned to death sixteen more elves screaming horribly and incinerated the entire section for Necromunda.
"Er... I hope that was insured" Mur'Phon said before he started running again.
The fire spread as they followed him through the door into the main workshop. Elves were still busy the last few days trying to get the last batch of Christmas gifts ready. They had lost a lot of time when they had tried to strike for better working conditions earlier the year, but quick use of Space Marines from the Santa's Samaritans chapter had squashed it. The survivors now had four times the workload and there had been an unusually high number of elves getting dragged into heavy machinery screaming as they were torn apart. The management had been trying to improve morale and put a positive spin on it by saying they were screaming as it was as fun as a really extreme rollercoaster, not because they were slowly and painfully killed by remorseless machines.
The fact that a significant number of them bought this explanation seemed to confirm the theory that there was quite a lot of inbreeding going on among them.
At any rate the stranger barreled through them sending them flying into eachother, the machines and into the slippery pools of blood from those sucked into the machines falling and breaking their tiny necks. The Polar city hadn't been the same since Walmart started acting as advisor to Santa on matters of working conditiion.
The heroes followed at a run.
"He's heading for the hangar!" Miku said.
"If he gets into Santa's sled we'll never catch him!" Gordonius replied
"Don't worry. I prepared ahead for that." Said Mur'Phon and slowed down to save his breath, but still appear to be pursuing.
"What?"
"I knew the author would try to set up a big chase with those vehicles and rigged the two that were described with anti-personel mines designed to wound."
"What if someone else tried to use them?" Miku said a bit worried
"I had multiple layers so it'd take quite a few Christmas elves to clear them." Mur'Phon answered completely missing the point.
The stranger entered the hangar. And a few seconds later there was a loud boom.
At a calm walk Mur'Phon entered the hangar seeing the stranger lying in a pool of his own blood his right arm completely ripped off.
"So... Time to resolve this plot, the man who kidnapped Santa was..." He reached out and ripped the mask off.
"Santa!!!" The three of them said in unison.
"And I would have gotten away with it too if it, wasn't for you meddling xenos and that tech priest." The not-so-jolly-right-now fat bearded man said grimacing in pain for his lost arm.
"But why?" Miku.
"Because Christmas was getting too much for me! When I had to expand to cover the entire galaxy it just got too much. I never have a spare moment anymore. Thanks to time meddling I always got enough time to get the gifts out, but it takes over 40.000 years subjectively. And the rest of the year I have to spend all my time preparing for that. I can't take it anymore and I wanted to ruin it to finally have some spare time!"
"Couldn't you just use that time dilation to take a few decades vacation on christmas eve?" Miku asked.
Santa looked at her for a moment.
"Doh!"
_________________________________________________________
And so christmas was saved. Santa set out the day after when he had finished getting his new bionic arm fitted and they were done sending christmas elves at his sled to clear out the mines Mur'Phon had put there. Santa himself spent a lot of time in the best tourist spots in the galaxy during this christmas eve. For the heroes of Christmas he got something special for each of them.
For Gordonius he got a crate of xenos weaponry that he could tinker with to his hearts delight.
For Miku he went to great lengths to acquire a pet: A young treekitten who bonded with her immediately.
And for Mur'Phon For his penchant for disaster he gave several preserved four leaf clovers, a couple of horse shoes and a masterfully made hare-paw to improve his luck.
A happy ending for all (Except those Christmas elves who got caught in the crossfire, but they were expendable anyway).
Merry Christmas and Happy new year.
Except for those bastards from the Inquisition's Ordo Hereticus that is.
The end.
One thing I forgot: The friend of mine who loves drawing decided to join in on this and make something too.
Christmas Miku
Minor edit. It appears my friend wasn't quite done editing the image I posted earlier. Wish he'd told me then, at any rate. So here's the finished or thereabouts (Heavilly computer edited by now) Since I already have that other image hosted on tinypic I'm letting it stand as comparison.
Christmas Miku
Minor edit. It appears my friend wasn't quite done editing the image I posted earlier. Wish he'd told me then, at any rate. So here's the finished or thereabouts (Heavilly computer edited by now) Since I already have that other image hosted on tinypic I'm letting it stand as comparison.
*dies laughing*
Me: Nope, that's why I have you around to tell me.
Nitram: You -are- beautiful. Anyone tries to tell you otherwise kill them.
"A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. LLAP" -- Leonard Nimoy, last Tweet
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LaserRifleofDoom
- Padawan Learner
- Posts: 335
- Joined: 2005-06-03 06:42pm
- Location: On the Edge of my seat.
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technomage
- Padawan Learner
- Posts: 357
- Joined: 2003-04-17 12:41pm
- Location: Somewhere beyond the Rim
Hey necromancer, this fic's been down for a month. At this point, the only people who post is the author when he has an update. Otherwise, it's a dead fic.
And FYI, fanfic authors post when they're fucking ready to post. Real Life can be a major pain. I've known a few authors who disappear for years at a time.
And FYI, fanfic authors post when they're fucking ready to post. Real Life can be a major pain. I've known a few authors who disappear for years at a time.
"Mother, implement Case Omega."
-the last time Colin MacIntyre gives an order without thinking it through.
-the last time Colin MacIntyre gives an order without thinking it through.