Predictably, being Top Gear it meant recreating Olympic events using cars, and hilarity ensued. I'll use the Top Gear websites description for the most part:
The description missed off a couple of events such as 5-aside ice hockey (using Suzuki Swifts) and The Stig doing the ski-jump on a snow mobile. There was also a 1500m race between the world record holding speed skater and Jeremy in the new Jaguar, for which Jeremy drove as well as I can skate... very badly and managed to get himself lapped twice. Finally they re-showed a segment from an old show which had a rally car (with James as passenger) racing a bobsleigh (with Hammond on the team). It was a close run race but saw the bobsleigh win by 3 secs.Top Gear wrote:12 February 2006 - Winter Olympics special
This week on Top Gear we took to the snowy mountains of Lillehammer, Norway, home to the 1994 Winter Olympics. Our aim was to host our very own games, but to replace the humans with humans in cars. There would also be some shouting of the word 'power' and quite a lot of driving sideways.
Biathlon
The rules of a biathlon are simple; you ski around a circuit, then, when you feel like you're going to drop dead, you have to aim a gun at a target and hit it dead on. The shooting sounded like a riot, but the dropping dead bit wasn't a huge selling point. So, instead of skiing Jeremy and James drove the course, which seriously reduced the chances of having a heart attack during the race.
James drove the Audi Q7, while Jeremy was in the Volvo XC90. As far as cars go, James didn't rate the Audi as an off-road vehicle. This was no reflection on the quality of the car, which was up to Audi's usual high standards, but on the fact that it lacks any real off-road technology. Jeremy, on the other hand, loved the Volvo, and considers it to be a great car for a bit of on-piste larking about.
Despite Jeremy driving the better car, he never stood a chance of winning the biathlon, as his choice of gun, a Heckler & Koch MP5 fully automatic weapon, is not known for its accuracy. Those who have shot a machine gun will no doubt be aware of this and know that attempting to shoot a tiny target from several meters away would be ridiculous. James, however, opted for the standard issue rifle, with spot on accuracy.
James just pipped Jeremy to first place, despite ending up in a ditch during leg two of the driving. Jeremy, in the meantime, incurred a 25 second penalty in the shooting round. The result: James was the overall winner, which perturbed Jeremy somewhat, due to the fact that he'd announced at the start of the challenge that the loser would have to eat golden snow...
Mini ski jump
Ski jumping is remarkable. People with seemingly no will to carry on living, launch themselves down a slope at speeds approaching 60mph to jump enormous distances, with no brakes whatsoever.
Top Gear was keen not to be remembered as another Eddie 'The Eagle' Edwards, so Jeremy wouldn't be donning any skis. Instead, we attached skis to a car. The chosen vehicle being a Mini. A British team of rocket experts were put in charge of propelling it down the slope, James was in charge of getting it to stay on the pre-defined course, Richard was dealing with stopping it and Jeremy very kindly offered to make the tea.
Complex maths was needed to calculate what speed the car would need to be travelling at, at the end of the run, in order to beat a human skier. James, it seems, isn't just a talented musician, he's also a dab hand with equations. Far more talented in fact than Richard appeared to be at building things that a) would stop the car and b) were in the right place. After a lot of messing about, they managed to get all pieces of the jigsaw together, and they were ready to jump.
And what a jump it was too! As rockets blasted the car down the slope the whole of Lillehammer watched in awe. The car skied like a pro, proving, despite a lack of snow in the UK, the British are capable of producing a successful ski jumper.
Off-road slalom speed dance skating
For the next event, there would be a race. Jeremy in his two wheel drive Jaguar, and James in a four wheel drive Range Rover. Who would win? Would the two wheel drive cut the mustard, or would the four wheel drive prove an invaluable tool in the world's newest and most-stupidly-named event?
Well, to be honest, the outcome was fairly predictable; James went around the ice course in a slow, controlled steady two minutes ten seconds. And Jeremy went around and around and around and around in an uncontrolled 1045 degree pirouette. Although calling it a pirouette is a little overstated, it was far more of a near-crash disaster. Needless to say, Jeremy spun off the track with no hope of ever reaching the finish line.
He did, however, win on style.
Freeze Hammond
Which would crack first under extremely low temperatures: Hammond or a Citroen C1? Well, the answer to that could only be discovered at a laboratory in Nuneaton, at the Motor Industry Research Association, where they test cars to destruction.
Many precautions were taken; firstly we gave Hammond a lovely jumper and scarf. We also monitored his internal body temperature with a sensor we shoved up his bottom.
As the temperatures fell, we witnessed a chilly Hammond getting even colder, and more deranged. And it didn’t take long before the diesel fuel froze over, just minus 17 degrees Celsius in the end. The electrics, however, managed a much better performance. Indeed, there seemed more chance that Richard's nose might fall off before the battery stopped working. Eventually though, the car just couldn’t go on, and time was called on this fun competition.
To those who saw it, what was your opinions, to those who didn't, you can view it here until the 19th
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