Picking apart GK's fanfic

[Mr Bean]

Lucky I'm shameless or I would have killed myself around that third quote

While I did not feel the need to gouge my eye-balls out with rusty nails(TM) I still was struck dumb that somone could acutal look at SW and ST and belive this, At heart most ST debators know they are trying to aurgue that ST can beat SW is like trying to Aurgue 10 Cave men could kick the ass of 100 Space Marines from 40k
The fact he belives this and could acutal sit down and WRITE it makes me want to hunt him down and remove his abilitys to make more of him then find his parents and do the same
And just to be sure his nieghobrs too then run stealt studies in the major collages to find if any likes it and when I collect all the likers togther I'll have them put to the sword to better protect mankind from itself!

After reading this, I can't rationlise it today

Today


Graham Kennedy
Today you have made me ashamed to be Human

And that is my final word on the subject
Let us never speak of him or IT agian under PENILTY OF DEATH!(TM)

[Pablo Sanchez]

Bean, don't be so melodramatic. There have been worse Crossover fictions written (just not any with this much exposure).

[Grand Admiral Thrawn]

Bean, don't be so melodramatic. There have been worse Crossover fictions written (just not any with this much exposure).

Such as?

[Mr Bean]

Such as?

For the sake of Humaity don't answear that question

[Master of Ossus]

It's not a fanfic. It's Graham Kennedy masturbating. Nobody wants to see Graham Kennedy masturbate.

Surprisingly, according to GK, some people DO.

Read this, from his FAQ section.

"Are you going to write any more of your story, "Portal"?
This is one of the most common questions I get regarding the site. First, let me thank everybody for the feedback I get about the story, which is about 95% positive. Unfortunately, the answer is "almost certainly not"."

95% of people want to see him getting off! I am sickened and disgusted by the idiocy of mankind. People like that bring shame on people and chimpanzees for having genetic codes so similar to our own. *vomits from disgust*

[Oberleutnant]

Such as this wonderful piece of literature that cannot be described by mere words, you have to read it yourself...

http://daltonator.net/fanfics/stories/secont.txt

[Shadowfyre]

You know, I like Star Trek, but even I couldn't read any further past the initial engagement between the Enterprise and an ISD without rolling into the floor in fits of laughter.

I never bothered to read anymore beyond that. Hell, I don't even think I've been back to the site since then and that was over 2 years ago.

[Moonstone Spider]

Just for my own amusement, I've tried to write the story as Graham apparently thinks it should go. Note that I do not endorse any of the opinions in the following battle, nor do I think anything like this is remotely likely. This is just a paraody of the immense level of propaganda seen in GK's fanfic. I hope you get a good laugh out of it.

"Mr. Data, report." Picard ordered.
"The vessel we are seeing is apparently extremely primitive despite it's large size. Shielding equivalent to the navigational shielding on an escape pod from the early days of the Federation. I'm not certain it has any weapons at all, I'm not reading enough power to actually run a functional weapon due to the extremely primitive nature of their fusion reactors. This ship is an excellent example of miniaturization vs. modern technology."
"Explain Mr. Data." Picard said gently, wondering what the Android was getting at.
"The first computer ever made on Earth took up a multi-floor building, yet could only run for about 7 minutes at a time before failing and had less than a quintillionth the calculating power of a modern Tricorder. As a civilization grows more advanced, it's technology is more and more easily miniaturized and vessels become smaller. Building immense ships like this one before us is a sure sign of a very primitive species." Data explained.
"They are launching some sort of hybrid plasma/laser energy at us, Captain, this could be an attack. I recommend we raise shields." Worf declared.
"An attack? This? Be serious Mr. Worf." Picard Chided. "There are limits to the paranoia even a Klingon should have. It would take billions of these plasma bolts to even damage the paint on an Antique Freighter. I suspect this green light show is some sort of communication. Mr. Data, run an analysis on the pattern and placement of the green bolts and see what they're trying to say. I suspect a species this primitive hasn't discovered radio yet and are using some sort of symbolic code, much as they used Morse Code on Telegraph lines before discovering radio on Ancient Earth."
"Captain, I believe we are receiving a radio transmission now, very low quality but our computer can clean it and make up for their vastly inferior transmission technology." Data suddenly exclaimed.
"Really?" Picard asked. "I'm surprised, they are more advanced than I expected. By all means, let's find out what our new friends want."
"This is captain Needa of the Star Destroyer Avenger." an angry man in a badly designed suit yelled angrily. "I demand you surrender at once or my ship will destroy yours."
"Hmm, not very friendly are they?" Riker asked.
Before Riker could finish his thought hundreds of Star Destroyers suddenly hyperspaced in, though the Enterprise had naturally detected them hours earlier as they used their primitive 1.5C drives. Needa's face suddenly became smug as the vessels moved at very slow speeds to gradually encircle the Enterprise. Behind them, moving at it's top speed of .2C, a Death Star gradually swelled up on the view screen.
"And now you will face the might of the entire Imperial Navy!" Needa yelled triumphantly. Without any further warning the entire fleet of Star Destroyers began to fire on the Enterprise.
"Captain, the paint on our hull will begin to degrade from their fire in 14 more hours at current rates of bombardment. I suggest raising the Navigational deflectors to avoid any possibility of Damage." Worf reported.
"A sound idea Mr. Worf." Picard congratulated him. "Make is thus. I want to find out who these people are, target the Avenger with a single Phaser beam on it's lowest setting."
"Firing Phasers." Worf reported. The Avenger vanished into a cloud of vaporized metal and scrapped hull plating. The beam continued on to destroy 3 more Star Destroyers behind the Avenger before Worf could turn it off.
"Mr. Worf, did you configure that beam correctly? Minimum power?" Picard asked angrily.
"Yes Captain, I've never seen ships so fragile. Without Structural Integrity Fields to hold them together they disintegrate instantly, I've seen ships carved from Balsa wood tougher than those." Worf sneered at the pathetic Star Destroyers.
"Hmm, I was deceived by their possessing Radio Technology. Perhaps they stole it from some other race as it's obviously beyond their current abilities. Well perhaps a Photon Torpedo with it's entire anti-matter payload removed will take down their shields and leave enough of the enemy vessel to investigate." Picard suggested. The Torpedo was duly launched at vessel, this one an SSD in hopes that the larger ship would prove tougher. Unfortunately it hit the gigantic glass windows protecting the bridge, ripped through the entire conning tower, and the SSD drifted into the Death Star and exploded. The torpedo itself was undamaged and detonated itself to keep from damaging anything else as programmed. Unfortunately shrapnel from it's case ripped into over a hundred of the ISDs like flying razor blades striking an Orange, resulting in their destruction.
"Mr. Data, this is intolerable. We must find some way to disable their vessels without destroying them. Surely there is some strategy we can use?"
"Perhaps a Shuttle craft's phaser array on minimum?" Data suggested.
A few hours later the remaining ISDs and the Death Star continued to fire on the Enterprise, though their weapons had no effect on it's navigational deflectors. The Shuttlecraft had destroyed 50 ISDs before they gave up finding a way to make it weaker, then Picard had sent people in space suits armed with phaser rifles but those two proved far superior to the Star Destroyers (in addition when hit with Turbolasers the KE of the plasma bolt caused the suits to spin, though the Turbolasers were, of course, incapable of damaging the suits themselves. Finally hand phasers were used which destroyed another 25 ISDs. Picard would have pulled his hair out if he had any left. Finally they realized the shielding on the ISDs was too primitive to block transport and transported all the men off the ISDs and into holding Cells in a few seconds. The Death Star had too good a shielding to beam people through safely (at least without transport pattern amplifiers) so Picard Ignored it while he began to interrogate the prisoners. Discovering how nice the Federation was, most of them defected.
Meanwhile the Death Star slowly over the course of several hours moved within firing range of Mars and used it's Superlaser. Unfortunately it hit a passing shuttlecraft and the beam was absorbed without damage, preventing any harm to the Utopia Plenetia shipyards. Desperate for a victory, the Emperor ordered the Death Star to Ram the Enterprise. With Picard interrogating prisoners, Wesley Crusher was left in charge and was too busy playing a computer game to notice the slow-moving starbase until it was too late to save it. The Death Star crashed into the Enterprise and it was ripped in half by the Enterprise's navigational shields, which hit the Fusion Reactor in the middle and caused it to explode. This, the most powerful attack of all, actually drained the Navigational deflectors by .000012%, a record for the Empire.

The end, how was it? Do I have a career as a future writer?

[StarshipTitanic]

Such as this wonderful piece of literature that cannot be described by mere words, you have to read it yourself...

http://daltonator.net/fanfics/stories/secont.txt

Admiral Piett does pretty well considering he's dead.

[Master of Ossus]

I think you captured the essence of his soul beautifully, Moonstone Spider.

Next time, be sure that a shuttlecraft is rammed without damage.

[Doomriser]

http://www.hotdirtywebnews.com/stories/2756400324.html

5/06/2002

The publishing company Simon & Schuster announced late yesterday that
they have comissioned a new book based on the popular Star Trek
franchise entitled "Star Trek: Uncredible Cross-Sections". The
sixty-eight page book will contain schematics, technical diagrams and
scientific commentary on the world of Star Trek by Graham Kennedy, a
noteworthy highschool teacher living in the United Kingdom.
Reportedly, the book will remedy long-standing misconceptions on the
nature of Star Trek weaponry and will substantiate many claims made by
Trek fans, or "Trekkies", in popular vernacular.


"The book will serve not only as a sort of bible for Star Trek fans,
it will also have a special section intended to remedy many errors
made in physics, such as the curious absence of nadions and the
frequent misuse of the word "altitude", said author Kennedy.

The book will hit shelves on December 12th, 2002 and will retail for
approximately $23.99.

[Doomriser]

I do not take credit for the above post.

[VF5SS]

Haha funny joke Doomriser

[Master of Ossus]

I would never buy his products or brake if I saw him crossing the street.

Good joke, though. I don't think he would ever admit that ST is wrong about anything, though. He seems to take that dialogue a BIIIIIIITTTT too seriously.

[Enforcer Talen]

moonstar, great story, quite amusing satire.

kennedy's story. . . some of the worst written and unresearched drivel I've ever seen.

[Darth Yoshi]

I laugh like a maniac after reading Kennedy's fantasy. And then my brain kicked in, and I got violent urges.

[Diamedes]

" Are you going to write any more of your story, "Portal"?
This is one of the most common questions I get regarding the site. First, let me thank everybody for the feedback I get about the story, which is about 95% positive. Unfortunately, the answer is "almost certainly not". "

Positive meaning that a class of mentally retarded kids sent a ton of crayon-written letters praising him for improving their self-esteem. And they thought they were stupid!

[LMSx]

Data: Our slipstream travel has been successful captain. We are in the galaxy 666.

Picard: I am impress by the modification made by Seven of Nine.

I'm not sure what to say.

[Pablo Sanchez]

I'm not sure what to say.

The author, Paul H. Jacques Jr., is the stupidest human being that ever lived. And he's French Canadian, so he ends up as a net drag on the human race.

[Anarchist Bunny]

Wow. I think Luser099 was smarter and more accurate than this guy. Definately knew more about since. *points at GAT's sig*

[Stravo]

Such as this wonderful piece of literature that cannot be described by mere words, you have to read it yourself...

http://daltonator.net/fanfics/stories/secont.txt

I actually liked this story. It was clear and concise, the sentence structure was very Hemigwayish and the punchy battle scene was rivetting. You laughed, you cried, you realize that perhaps you are insane.

[Typhonis 1]

Whats the addy for ASVS I hve heard it mentioned in here and am curious to see it

[Cpt_Frank]

Hey, imagine the following: you read portal and you have graham kennedy as teacher!!!! (just think back of the good old high-school days).

[Mr. B]

I really feel sorry for those kids who have GK as a teacher.

Imagine if you were a die hard warsie in his class. Sitting next to a rabid trekkie.

[Stuart Mackey]

Whats the addy for ASVS I hve heard it mentioned in here and am curious to see it

ASVS stands for alt.startrek.vs.starwars , it is a news group on usenet.