Hard-On keeps man out of Prison

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Bertie Wooster
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Hard-On keeps man out of Prison

Post by Bertie Wooster »

Very Strange Case
Erection keeps burglar out of jail

A German burglar has escaped a prison sentence - because he suffers from a permanent erection.

Maurice Baumann, 32, was sentenced to a year's jail for burgling homes in the British army garrison town of Bielefeld.

But he escaped prison after entering hospital as an "emergency case" for his unrelenting priapism.

After a week's treatment, doctors admitted they were only able to get his manhood down to "half-mast".

Baumann told a court in Bielefeld: "I woke up one morning with a hard-on. I didn't think anything of it - that happens to men a lot. But mine never went down."

A medical report revealed that doctors stuck needles in his manhood for 90 minutes in an attempt to reduce its size. But five minutes later it was erect again.

They also injected medication into it but that didn't help either.

A court ruled that he could stay out of jail while his problem persisted but the chief prosecutor of Bielefeld is not happy.

Harald Krahmoeller said: "Only patients with acute medical problems can stay out of jail and I don't regard him as an acute case. I hope to have him behind bars within two weeks."
:lol:

Saved by his own cock, how poetic...
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Post by Oni Koneko Damien »

Harald Krahmoeller said: "Only patients with acute medical problems can stay out of jail and I don't regard him as an acute case. I hope to have him behind bars within two weeks."
Apparently someone doesn't quite know what it's like to have an unwelcome hard-on for five minutes, let alone days on end. Give him a couple doses of horse fertility drugs and see how quick his tune changes.

...I'm not saying the convicted shouldn't go to jail, but having to deal with that and a permanent erection ventures into the realm of cruel and unusual punishment.
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Post by LongVin »

A medical report revealed that doctors stuck needles in his manhood for 90 minutes...
Holy shit. I can't even begin to fathom this it just made me cringe.
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Post by Surlethe »

How does that man concentrate on anything he does? If I had a constant boner, my thoughts would go something like, Sex ... sex ... sex ... masturbation ... sex ... sex ... this is anno-sex ... sex ... masturbation ... .
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Post by Edi »

Oni Koneko Damien wrote:
Harald Krahmoeller said: "Only patients with acute medical problems can stay out of jail and I don't regard him as an acute case. I hope to have him behind bars within two weeks."
Apparently someone doesn't quite know what it's like to have an unwelcome hard-on for five minutes, let alone days on end. Give him a couple doses of horse fertility drugs and see how quick his tune changes.

...I'm not saying the convicted shouldn't go to jail, but having to deal with that and a permanent erection ventures into the realm of cruel and unusual punishment.
That's damned true. It isn't fun by any stretch to have a hard-on for a significant amount of time. I've had occasion to experience a medication-induced one that lasted for quite a while, and it's bloody painful very soon.
LongVin wrote:Holy shit. I can't even begin to fathom this it just made me cringe.
Having a vaccination needle stuck into your arm hurts more than having one stuck into Mr. Happy provided the doctors know what they're doing. If they don't and hit the wrong place withouyt anesthetic, now THAT hurts.

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Post by Broomstick »

Har-har-har - the woody that won't go away - >snicker< - isn't priapism funny?

Not really - not only is it intensely painful, but some manifestations can result in permanent damage to the hydraulic systems, the penis itself, and so on. In other words, when the dick finally dies, it might really die, for good, and that's the end of your sex life.

All depends on the cause, what treatment is provided... but suffice to say, he's not having fun. If it gets bad enough... well, in the bad old days before modern medicine some men opted for castration to end the agony.
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Post by Darth Raptor »

What? They drained it of blood and gave him anti-hard on meds and it still won't stay down? WTH could be causing it? :wtf:
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Post by Broomstick »

I could engage in wild speculation, but ya'll will have to promise not to cross your legs and whimper if I do so.
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Post by Surlethe »

Broomstick wrote:I could engage in wild speculation, but ya'll will have to promise not to cross your legs and whimper if I do so.
I can't make any promises, but I'm interested in hearing the speculation anyway.
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Post by That NOS Guy »

On the bright side, he has the potential to become the greatest porn star ever.
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Post by Ghost Rider »

Broomstick wrote:I could engage in wild speculation, but ya'll will have to promise not to cross your legs and whimper if I do so.
I wouldn't mind hearing it, and no whimpering....I do job that insists on much alcohol anyways.
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Post by Broomstick »

You guys are sick.

Well, anything that messes up the "outflow" valves can cause perma-erection. That can be too tight a cockring or a crushing injury, but those tend to leave external signs, like, um, a cockring or extensive swelling and bruising.

Blood clots/internal blockages can also prevent outflow, thereby causing pripapism. A buildup of scar tissue can cause narrowing of the blood vessels, as can coronary disease, which can make blockages and clots more likely. The usual concern about clots is there - if they break free they can wreak havoc in the body. Also, by cutting off blood flow they can lead to tissue death and the penis litterally rotting off the body. I am told this is not at all fun.

Lastly - plastic surgery gone wrong can do strange things to the penis. This does not always result in perma-erection, but it could if things went sufficiently awry. Purely for gratuitous reading pleasure, I give you a thread on another message board started by a prison doctor with a patient who's penis enlargement did not give the expected results. It did not result in priapism, but I leave it to your imagination to extraploate how such a fucking idiot could wind up in a situation with crap injected into the wrong place that could lead to screwed up hydraulics. What the hell, it's a sickly funny story: My Patient's Bizarre Penis
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Now I did a job. I got nothing but trouble since I did it, not to mention more than a few unkind words as regard to my character so let me make this abundantly clear. I do the job. And then I get paid.- Malcolm Reynolds, Captain of Serenity, which sums up my feelings regarding the lawsuit discussed here.

If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich. - John F. Kennedy

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Post by Surlethe »

Broomstick wrote:What the hell, it's a sickly funny story: My Patient's Bizarre Penis
Thank you for the informative post; I will redouble my efforts never to get a heart disease, damage, or otherwise cut off circulation to Mr Happy mid-erection, or cause damage to the exit valves. Penis rotting off ... *shiver*

And that story if fucking. hilarious. The writing style is just dry enough to keep me on the ground rolling in laughter, and the abject stupidity of the man who actually got the injections really keeps me in awe.
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Post by Ghost Rider »

Broomstick wrote:You guys are sick.
Now don't you know how to butter us up? :wink:
Well, anything that messes up the "outflow" valves can cause perma-erection. That can be too tight a cockring or a crushing injury, but those tend to leave external signs, like, um, a cockring or extensive swelling and bruising.

Blood clots/internal blockages can also prevent outflow, thereby causing pripapism. A buildup of scar tissue can cause narrowing of the blood vessels, as can coronary disease, which can make blockages and clots more likely. The usual concern about clots is there - if they break free they can wreak havoc in the body. Also, by cutting off blood flow they can lead to tissue death and the penis litterally rotting off the body. I am told this is not at all fun.

Lastly - plastic surgery gone wrong can do strange things to the penis. This does not always result in perma-erection, but it could if things went sufficiently awry. Purely for gratuitous reading pleasure, I give you a thread on another message board started by a prison doctor with a patient who's penis enlargement did not give the expected results. It did not result in priapism, but I leave it to your imagination to extraploate how such a fucking idiot could wind up in a situation with crap injected into the wrong place that could lead to screwed up hydraulics. What the hell, it's a sickly funny story: My Patient's Bizarre Penis
The first and second are pretty ugly, the final is a perfect example to say no to plastic surgery down there.

Thanks for the info...new stuff to add to the catalog of weirdness.
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Post by NeoGoomba »

90...ugh...

I would ALMOST say that he has been punished enough.
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Post by Solauren »

If it went erect after 90 minutes of that, all I can say is DAMN.

And that guy really should go into porn. No need to rob houses, and he'd get to do lots of hot women.
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Post by wolveraptor »

That's one long erection.Double entendre rocks. Like me.
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One More Thing Not To Do To Your Dick

Post by Broomstick »

I forgot one more way to fuck up your dick in my earlier list - BME.com had a feature a number of years ago about a man who thought shooting Mr. Happy up with cocaine would be a good way to have fun. After, I think, about 12 hours the erection went away. However, one of the effects of cocaine is to cause constriction in small blood vessels. After about 12 hours of that a lot of the flesh had expired and, well, gangere is SUCH an ugly thing. So there's another way to achieve priapism. Once.

Boys - don't try this at home. Like your mama always said, doing drugs is bad for you. She probably didn't mention that shooting drugs into your penis is REALLY bad for you, because she was hoping you had more sense than that.

(Really, who would think that would be a good idea....?)
A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. Leonard Nimoy.

Now I did a job. I got nothing but trouble since I did it, not to mention more than a few unkind words as regard to my character so let me make this abundantly clear. I do the job. And then I get paid.- Malcolm Reynolds, Captain of Serenity, which sums up my feelings regarding the lawsuit discussed here.

If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich. - John F. Kennedy

Sam Vimes Theory of Economic Injustice
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Post by Civil War Man »

Harald Krahmoeller said: "Only patients with acute medical problems can stay out of jail and I don't regard him as an acute case. I hope to have him behind bars within two weeks."
Has he never seen those ED ads? You know, the ones with the whole "If you experience an erection lasting more than 6 hours, seek immediate medical attention"?
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Post by Netko »

<whimpers in a corner while in fetal position>

I'm soo not doing anything freaky with Mr. Happy...
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Post by sparrowtm »

He was in the news again yesterday. Apparently, the doctors are have no clue how to solve his problem ... and it's pretty certain that he'll lose his ability to maintain a stiffy quite soon. Right now, they think about amputating his dick :(
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Post by brianeyci »

Ah if only there was poetic justice and this happened to a rapist instead of a burgular... it didn't mention armed robbery so I'm feeling sorry for him.

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Post by Dahak »

Civil War Man wrote:
Harald Krahmoeller said: "Only patients with acute medical problems can stay out of jail and I don't regard him as an acute case. I hope to have him behind bars within two weeks."
Has he never seen those ED ads? You know, the ones with the whole "If you experience an erection lasting more than 6 hours, seek immediate medical attention"?
We do not have something like that around here...
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