Starks Crappy Fiction

[Stark]

I write a bit, but I don't post here because it's just 'for fun'. However, I've started a project that I think is a bit beyond me - I'm trying to write something a little different. I'd like everyone's opinion on my ten-minute opening.

He kicked another can out of the gutter. The kids around here never change, he thought, as he walked up the driveway to his door. Balancing the shopping on one arm, he tried to fish his keys out of his jacket. Moments before disaster, his wife opens the door and takes the bags, smiling. Everything goes white – all he can see is her, and she seems so far away...


“Captain? Sir, we've lost contact with another interception post. There's a runner on the way from headquarters with an update. Sir?”

Darkness.

It was so dark. He was dirty, there was dirt all around. A white skull spoke to him.

“Sir, I'm sorry to wake you, but you asked to be notified of any activity.” The voice was dry, like old grass.

Suddenly it was real. He could smell the other men sleeping in the improvised bunker, and he could hear men – his men – moving around outside. Moving with purpose.

He spoke. “Thank you, Lieutenant.” His voice was dry. “Who did we lose this time?”

The white man gestured at a table in the middle of the dark room. “B-4 hasn't checked in. As you can see...”

Sitting up, it was very clear. It was at least an hour in the future, but it was right there, on the holo. “Yes. This is it, Lieutenant. When can we expect the data?”

The skull stared blankly. “Mm? Yes sir, the courier should arrive very soon. That is...”

He rubbed his eyes. “Yes. That is, if he even got through. Dismissed.”

Running a hand over his brow, he tried to remember a place before this. Before the bunker, before the fortress, before the starships, the camps and the war. He couldnt, not really. He could conjure images, remember names... but it never seemed as real as the dirt, the darkness and the waiting. Not while he was awake.

He pulled on his helmet and stepped out into the light.

I'm not interested in writing fanfic, or crossovers, or anything. I just figure you guys know more about writing than me. At this point, I've got a few vignettes I need to fit into a broader story, so I'm looking for advice.

[Ford Prefect]

It's certainly nice enough; I think it's a well written piece, and it has the potential to go somewhere.

[Kwizard]

Not a bad start... Story openings that expose you to the background gradually can be really grabbing.

[Stark]

Thanks for your comments! I've written piles of 'regular' fiction, and I've had a few vignettes in my head, stuff about really being inside one of the characters' heads, and I've never written anything like that before. I'm just not sure how to link them. Maybe I should produce the stuff that inspired me, and try to link them later?

I've also never really done symbolism before - I'm not sure how to 'tell' if it works for other people. My drama teacher would be appalled!

[Ford Prefect]

You really should show us some of the other stuff you've done. Without prior planning, it can be difficult to link snapshots, but with retrospect it can be done.