Holiday carol rewrites

[Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi]

It's that time of year again: dumb commercials everywhere, carolers, annoying songs on the radio, but there's also people who take Christmas carols, and rewrite them, so they have something to do with drugs, underwear, superheroes, and other topics. Here, you try doing it.

I'll start with a carol for Spring Break, sung to the tune of "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland"

We've been here for a while
We have left a huge pile
Of puke on the floor
We're sober no more
Walkin' around off campus property

Gone away is the tank top
Here to stay is a skank top
It's nothing at all
We're having a ball
Walkin' around off campus property

At the nightclub we can forge a liscence
And pretend that we are fifty-three
He knows it's not valid it makes no sense
'Cause he gave us some jello shots for free

Later on, if you wanna
We can smoke marijuana
I brought a huge stash
With my parent's cash
Walkin' 'round off campus property

[Captain tycho]

Heh.

[Joe]

Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear - an oldie but a goodie.

Walkin' round in women's underwear
(to be sung to "Walkin' in a winter wonderland")

Lacy things - the wife is missin',
Didn't ask - her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes ,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the store - there's a teddy,
Little straps - like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" We'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress - like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' round in women's underwear!

Lacy things ... Missin',
Didn't ask ... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear,
Walkin' round in women's underwear,
Walkin' round in women's underwear!

[MirrorUniverseSpy1]

Very funny. I had never heard that first one before.

[haas mark]

Deck the halls with gasoline
falalalala..lalalala
Light a match and watch it gleam
falalalala..lalalala
Burn the house down to ashes
falala..lalala..lalala..
I can't remember the fourth line. X(



Joy to the world! The teachers' dead! We bar-becued her head! And what about the body? We flushed it down the potty! And round and round it goes....

Gotta love childhood parodies.

[neoolong]

Here are a couple I found:

"Rudolph the Red Nosed Cultist

Rudolph the Red Nosed Cultist
had a few insanities
and if you ever saw him
he'll be chanting with great glee
Cthulhu fthagn Ia - aa
He is sleeping 'neath the foam
as he stared out the window
through the bars where he made his home
Then one foggy moon streaked eve
Cthulhu came to say
Rudolph with your mind so brave
won't you be my eternal slave
then all the other cultists
joined together in a prayer
Rudolph the mighty high priest
has joined Cthulhu in his lair. "

"The Carol of the Old Ones

Look to the sky way up on high
There in the nigh stars now are right
Eons have passed now then at last
Whence They were penned They will descend

They will retun mankind will learn
New kinds of fear once They are here
As They reclaim all in Their name
Watch only can powerless man

Ignorant fools mankind now rules
Where They ruled then it's Theirs again
Madness will reign terror and pain
Woes without end where They extend

Scary scary scary scary Solstice
Very very very scary Solstice

Up from the sea from underground
Down from the sky They're all around
They will retun mankind will learn
New kinds of fear when They are hear

They will return"

[The Dark]

Bah. Get the Twisted Christmas album. Plenty of joy on that tape. "The Twelve Pains of Christmas" is good, as is "The Bathroom Door Said Gentlemen."

[Einhander Sn0m4n]

Joy To The World! The Preacher's (was Teacher but I'm not in sk00l no more) Dead!
We Barbecued his head!
What Happened to the Body?
We Flushed it Down the POTTY!
...

[haas mark]

Joy To The World! The Preacher's (was Teacher but I'm not in sk00l no more) Dead!
We Barbecued his head!
What Happened to the Body?
We Flushed it Down the POTTY!
...

*see above*

[Raxmei]

(to the tune of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing")
Hark, the Herald Shoggoths Sing, by David Silberstein (from
rec.arts.sf.written)

Hark the herald Shoggoths sing, "Glory to the Deathless King"
In sunken R'leyh He dreams, when He awakes you'll hear the screams
Panic all ye nations rise, feel the triumph of the skies
Scream, as your minds all break, "The Stars are Right, Cthulhu Wakes"
Hark the herald Shoggoths sing, "Glory to the Deathless King"

His worshippers, an elite horde, call Cthulhu "Highest Lord"
Late in time behold Him come, Greatest of all the Old Ones
Twisted flesh the Godhead hath, madness follows in His path
Underwater He doth dwell, He will rise and make Earth Hell
Hark the herald Shoggoths sing, "Glory to the Deathless King"

Hark the star-born King of Death, Hail, the Sun that Extinguisheth
Death and dark to all He brings, Annihilation in His wings.
He lets His wild glory fly, so that humanity shall die
He shall eat the sons of earth, He shall give them a stillbirth.
Hark the herald Shoggoths sing, "Glory to the Deathless King"

[Einhander Sn0m4n]

Joy To The World! The Preacher's (was Teacher but I'm not in sk00l no more) Dead!
We Barbecued his head!
What Happened to the Body?
We Flushed it Down the POTTY!
...

*see above*

Oops!

[Tsyroc]

I like this new one from Bob Rivers.

The Little Hooters Girl
(Parody of Little Drummer Boy)



Little Hooters girl

Her rubber tight buns

A groovy pair to see

Double D fun

She brings me chicken wings

A ton, a ton, ton



She wears tight, skimpy things

Her tummy tight tum, rubber tight buns

Look at them guns



Oh, to ogle them

Her rubber tight buns

That’s why we come



Little Hooters girl

She’s not a dumb-dumb

She brings cold beer to me and poured us all some

A birthday song they sang with mighty big lungs

Across the bar they hang her rubber tight bum, double D fun

Had her boobs done



Then she smiled at me, I‘ll tip a big ton

Me and my chums

Look at them guns

Had her boobs done

[SAMAS]

Deck the halls with gasoline
falalalala..lalalala
Light a match and watch it gleam
falalalala..lalalala
Burn the schoolhouse down to ashes
falala..lalala..lalala..
I can't remember the fourth line. X

Aren't you glad you played with matches?
falalalala... Lalalala!

And of course, the old favorite.

Jingle Bells
Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
The Batmobile
Lost it's wheel
And the Joker got awaayyy!

[2000AD]

Can't remeber it fully but here goes:

Flaky the Leper (to Frosty the Snowman)

Flaky the Leper didn't even have a nose
but he jumped about
with a laugh and a shout
because he still had seven toes

Early one christmas morn Flaky tried to fly
but when he jumped
off that tree stump
out popped his only eye

Flaky the Leper could dance a merry jig
if you wanted some
out his hair would come
and you'd have a little wig

Flaky cam into town leaning on his staff
and when his ear
fell in some beer
he made us start to laugh

Oh Flaky the Leper is a jolly jolly sort
'cause even though
he's beset with woe
he remains a real good sport

[Kuja]

Flaky the Leper (to Frosty the Snowman)

Sick, yet quite amusing.

[SAMAS]

Here's one I found, which apparently describes Santa's difficulty of delivering presents to the Wongs(not to mention a few others)...

To the tune of "What's this?" From The Nightmare Before Christmas"

That's it
That's it
There's webcams everywhere
That's it
I'm starting to despair
That's it
I can't get into houses
leaving presents when
the eyes are omnipresent then
That's it

That's it
That's it
There's something very strange
That's it
These people are deranged
That's it
The Internet's alive with
Naked people mating
I've got happiness to bring them
Don't they know I'm up here waiting?
That is it
That's it

There's no way I can go sneaking out
The fireplace unseen
With all these webcams focused
On those wired libertines
There's frost upon my eyebrows
And I'm frozen to my toes
It's getting late but people are
Still taking off their clothes

Oh, crap
That's it
They're trying a new way, they clutch
While members egg them on, online
They're typing ever faster with suggestions
How to further intertwine
That's it

That's it
I'm late, I've got so much to do... oh great
The night is almost through
What now?
They should be going off to seek their bed
They've all got mirrors overhead!
And no one's turned in for the night
They've all decided to ignite
It's much too late
To fornicate
How did they make it on my list?
That's it !

Oh shit, what now?
This house is very still
Here goes, my duty to fulfill
No sound, while she's sleeping I will try to
undertake
oh, my mistake, have I been that gullible
she's not asleep, her mouth is full
That's it!

I thought I had nice presents
For the decent girls and boys
But everyone seems happy with their
special kinds of toys
I don't know how to please
these perverts screwing their PC's
All I have to offer
Is more D-cell batteries

That's it, I'm done
I've fallen way behind
The times, I don't know how to deal
With this, the sleigh-ride thing I do each year is getting worse
I think I'll stick with e-commerce
I give up, yes I give up
All you cyber-peeping toms
If you want stuff
You'll get enough
Just click on santyclaus dot com
That is it!


Merchant account, hmm...

[Drewcifer]

imagine the fun we'll have caroling this year with this thread!

I vaguely remember something from childhood

jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
oh what fun, it is to ride, in a beat up Chevorlet, hey

or something like that.

[Rob Wilson]

I'll start with a carol for Spring Break, sung to the tune of "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland"

ROTFLMAO

nice one. My own homage to the season, a rewrite of a classic now sung by Luke and Leia.

I saw Mommy kissing Darth Vader
Underneath the twin moons glow last night.
He didn't sense me creep
Through the Senate rooms to peep;
at mommy kissing Darth Vader, which can't be right.

Then, I saw Mommy Tickle Darth Vader
Underneath his breathing mask so black;
Oh what a laugh it would have been
If only daddy had seen
Mommy kissing Darth Vader behind his back.

I saw Mommy Fucking Darth Vader
Screaming out for him to "Use the Force".
What a trauma this has been,
At the thing I have just seen.
And now my memory of my family is lost!

[Setzer]

(sung to the tune of "Rudolph the Red nosed reindeer")

Rudy the Deadbeat father
Won't support his family
dooming his wife and children
to a life of poverty

Rudy enjoys the good life
takes a Royal Princess cruise
makes out with busty bimbos
drinks the most expensive booze.

when the law got on his trail
Rudy changed his name
Grew a mustache and goatee,
had some plastic surgery

Rudy the deadbeat father
loves the glimmer and the glow
If he had only known it
he'd have split 10 years ago!

And, here's a song sung by Santa's elves when they were on strike.
Sung to the tune of Jingle bells:

Ho Ho Fucking Ho,
What a crock of shit!
We all work for Santa Claus
We've had enough, we quit!
Oh, we do all the fucking work while he stars in the show!
Stick your Christmas up your ass,
Ho ho fucking Ho!

[neoolong]

I found this link for a bunch of Cthulhu inspired carols.

http://www.duke.edu/web/DRAGO/humor/coc-songs.html

Oh, and Rob, Jayne's quote is misquoted. He says ruttin', no f*****ng.

[Ghost Rider]

My own homage to the season, a rewrite of a classic now sung by Luke and Leia.

I saw Mommy kissing Darth Vader
Underneath the twin moons glow last night.
He didn't sense me creep
Through the Senate rooms to peep;
at mommy kissing Darth Vader, which can't be right.

Then, I saw Mommy Tickle Darth Vader
Underneath his breathing mask so black;
Oh what a laugh it would have been
If only daddy had seen
Mommy kissing Darth Vader behind his back.

I saw Mommy Fucking Darth Vader
Screaming out for him to "Use the Force".
What a trauma this has been,
At the thing I have just seen.
And now my memory of my family is lost!

That is so wrong on so many levels...

[Rob Wilson]

I found this link for a bunch of Cthulhu inspired carols.

http://www.duke.edu/web/DRAGO/humor/coc-songs.html

Oh, and Rob, Jayne's quote is misquoted. He says ruttin', no f*****ng.

Whose quote? I made it up myself, the version of the original lyrics I have only has 2 verses (the kissing and the tickling).

[neoolong]

I found this link for a bunch of Cthulhu inspired carols.

http://www.duke.edu/web/DRAGO/humor/coc-songs.html

Oh, and Rob, Jayne's quote is misquoted. He says ruttin', no f*****ng.

Whose quote? I made it up myself, the version of the original lyrics I have only has 2 verses (the kissing and the tickling).

In your sig. The Jayne from Firefly quote.

[Rob Wilson]

My own homage to the season, a rewrite of a classic now sung by Luke and Leia.

That is so wrong on so many levels...

Then my work here is done.
"On Maul, on Sidious, on Tyrannus; we must away to warp their minds with seasons fears."

[Rob Wilson]

In your sig. The Jayne from Firefly quote.

Oh right, (thought you meant the carol adaption) yeah I know but i just don't think it sounds right, too wimped out. If they're going to swear they should just swear and have done with it. none of this "Ruttin', Goldarn, blasted" nonsense.
So F***ing it stays