If "The Simpsons" was set in the Star Trek univers

[Peregrin Toker]

Homer Simpson:
- I would rather drink Ketracel White than Mountain Dew.
- Mama took these warp cores off me!!!
- Ah... Synthahol. The solution to all life's problems.
- Mmm... rokeg blood pie.
- Mmm... Romulan ale.
- Mmm... Chateau de Picard.
- Mmm... another odd dish made by Neelix.
- I don't have a single friend in the Alpha Quadrant.
- Hey! Look there! A Sovereign-class Starship which nobody are guarding!
- Ooh! I feel like a Ferengi at a marketplace.
- A Starfleet Academy graduate, eh? You can go to the Delta Quadrant, but you can't make a spaceship which doesn't blow up all the time?
- Well, there's kind of a Neutral Zone.
- Aww, those Constitution-class spaceships always look so crummy.
- Neelix' a cook?
- Ted Koppel IS a Borg!!
- A phaser is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a
harpoon, or...uh, a...a bat'leth. You just need more education on the
subject. Tell you what. You come with me to a F.P.A. (Federal Phaser Association)
meeting, and if you still don't think phasers are great...we can argue some more.
- If I didn't have this phaser, the Founders of the Dominion could just walk in here any time they wanted, and start shoving you around.
- Oh! A lima bean that looks like Zephram Cochrane!
- Uh, Mister Burns, in spite of what everybody thinks, I'm no William T.Riker.
- All my time in the Starfleet, I've searched for a ship that feels a certain way. Powerful like a Jem'hadar on steroids, yet soft and yielding like a tribble. Now, at last, I have found it.
- Marge, with the economic sysem in the Federation, there's no way we can't afford a tribble.
- Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for weird diseases such as Vidiian Phage and radiation!
- Good Eeevening. I've been asked to tell you that this holodeck program is very scary, with stuff that might give the whole Alpha Quadrant nightmares, there are some *crybabies* out there, the Holo-Doc mostly, who couldn't even handle family life. If you are one of them, I advise you to exit the holodeck now.
- Aw, being a Borg sucks unless you're the queen. You get shredded by Species 8472,
tommygunned by a bald frenchman, and encounter several species which can't even be assimilated.
Who am I assimilatin'? I have no business being a Borg Drone! I've leaving the assimilation business to all the other Borg Drones in the collective.
- That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to Starfleet Academy!
- Hi, Maggie! I'm Homey-Womey, the 24th century's Teletubby! Let's enter the tummy-holodeck! (gets phaser-stunned)
- Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like Emperor Kahless The Unforgettable of the Klingon Empire after he slew Molor the Tyrant with his gleaming blade!!
- Pfft. I know a Conniption-class starship when I see it. And look, there's a Defunct-class and
the Insipid-class USS Forager.
- What? How dare you? If I find out who this is, I'll staple a bajoran emblem to your butt and mail you to Cardassia Prime.
- That sounds like Ferengi-talk to me!!
- Sorry, but this is a piece of Federation engineering. Even if you use it responsibly, it goes KABLAMMO!
- Oh wait, I'm not Jean-Luc Picard.. Oh. Let's see what you got here.
- I am the God-Emperor of the Klingons, Kahless! This wedding angers me. It will break up or all will die.
- I've joined the Maquis, and so have all of you!
- Now I can show all of you what I've come to realise! The reason we're not allowed in the Utopia Planitia yards is because there is no new Federal flagship! The Starfleet have taken our money
just so they can build.. one hell of a Sovereign-class battleship!
- But Marge, we're not BORG-assimilated!


Marge Simpson:
- Romulans can be so cruel.
- Nobody wanted to babysit you, so I had to choose between a student at the Starfleet Academy and a scary-looking Klingon.
- Homer, it's not the solution to move to Cardassia. It's not gonna happen!
- Will you stop saying "quantum" so much??
- I hope they're not suffering cultural contamination from those Ferengi.
- No. I've already planned our vacation. We're going to the Borghel Sanctuary on Qo'noS. I understand the Klingons have installed a new birdfeeder this year.
- That's not the constitution of the United Federation of Planets; that's a book of carpet samples!
- There's too much corruption in this Starfleet!
- Bart, it's illegal for you to pilot that Galaxy-class starship without the status of commissioned Starfleet officer.
- Homer, taking a starfleet officer's badge is an arrestable offense.
- Jem'hadars are designed to fight!!
- Homer, you know how unpredictable the Romulans are. One minute they're come in a gigantic warship, the next, they turn it invisible! What if they start a war?
- Hmmmm! Let's come to our senses everyone! Star Trek Voyager is turning into a morass of techno-babble!

Lisa Simpson:
- I refuse to program a replicator to replicate meat.
- How can you NOW prove that Synthahol is not addictive??
- This next song is also about a girl and her tribble.
- Aw, look at that cute little phaser.
- Bart, water will only go the other way in the Delta & Gamma Quadrants.
- He's gonna make a tuxedo out of the tribbles!!
- Mom, do you want to know the 15 reasons why I like the old Connies better than Galaxy-class ships? One - Kirk would never...
(A "connie" is slang for a Constitution-class starship)
- Not Janey! She's going to fill the Starfleet High Command with Vulcans!
- Good luck, Dad! Although I'm morally opposed to the Starfleet of which you are now a part.
- It looks like a human skeleton, but these things look like Klingon skull ridges.
- Can I ask you about those pointy ears?

Bart Simpson:
- Don't have a bunch of replicated meat which tastes like cow, man!
- May Neelix cook soup of my shorts! (That's gonna taste bad!!)
- Wow, V8 Juice doesn't contain liquid dilithium!!
- Yeah, but it's just HONOURABLE violence which is actually beneficial for Klingons... and an essential part of their culture.
- That's not fair, Nelson. They didn't have the Compression Phaser Rifles back then.
- Must...fight... The Dominion...make it...up to'em...later!
- That'll hold me. At least until I get my hands on some kind of phaser.
- Actually, numbers don't have much use in my future career: Olympic gold medal Federation Shuttle champion!
- Some say the birds flew to the Beta Quadrant, others say Romulus.
- My dad says this planet's like Risa -- if it were run by Vulcans.
- Starfleet Academy?? You lied to me!

Abraham Simpson:
- Back in my days, we didn't have any replicators! We had to make food by hand!!
- You never know what you are capable of! I never thought I could shoot down a Klingon battlecruiser. Until last year.
- Shelby's Planet was originally called Morgan's Planet.
- The Romulans are evil! I tell ya, EVIL!!

Apu:
- No, I don't speak Klingonese. You want hotdog replicator program, you not want hotdog replicator program. Thank you for visiting.
- I've got bionic eyes in the back of my head.
- Hindu! Eastern mysticism is one of the few accepted religions in the United Federation of Planets!
- Each of these ripped-up Starfleet uniforms is a badge of honour.
- He slept, he stole, he was rude to the crew. Still, there goes the best captain a federal
starship ever had.

Ballet Teacher:
- But so many of your heroes wear tights. Seven-of-Nine, for example. And Jean-Luc Picard.
- Ah! And what have we here? A young man maybe who thinks he can be the next Pavel A.Chekov?

Captain McAllister:
- 'Tis no Jem'hadar, 'tis a remorseless killin' machine!
- Arrh!! I'm Captain McAllister of the Starship Honeybunch.
- Arrh! Ye call that a starship?
- Arrh. The miniskirts.
- Arr, I hate the Delta Quadrant and everything in it.

Chief Wiggum:
- Take that you lousy celestial phenomenon!!
- Hey, Cadet, I told you, you don't get your phaser until you tell me your name.
- If you're innocent, you'll at least get an honourable Klingon death.
- Yes, everybody's heard of angels, but who's heard of a Cardassian???

Comic Book Store Guy:
- This is a very rare issue of "Ferenginar Stock Market Journal", which contains an
interview with the Grand Nagus.
- Aha!! The Internet Nagus!! I wonder if those Ferengi can bring me faster acquisitions?
- I have the only holodeck in the entire Federation which NEVER malfunctioned!!
- She even bought the first issue of "Zephram Cochrane Man!!"
- Oh no! That's a prescription Starfleet parade uniform!

Edna Krabappel:
- You haven't licked some odd syrup from the Delta Quadrant off your lover's stomach?
- And who invented the warp drive?

Helen Lovejoy:
- Won't anyone think of seperating the saucer??

Herbert Powell:
- The Starfleet doesn't want their finest battleships named after hungry old Greek broads!
- To think I wasted my life in boardrooms, and stockholders meetings on Ferenginar, when I
could've been in the Holo-Deck!

Herman:
- All we need is a declaration of war. Then everything we do is legal. I use the one from the First Battle of Bajor which Gowron had in plan, in case somebody would consider it too unfair to launch a surprise attack. I just change "High Chancellor Gowron" to "Bart Simpson."
- Want some authentic jem'hadar underpants??

Itchy & Scratchy:
- An Itchy with ridges on his skull, wearing a Klingon military uniform, chops off Scratchy's head with a bat'leth.
- Scratchy gets vaporized by a phaser.
- A starship crashes down upon Scratchy.
- Itchy is revealed to be a Romulan spy.
- Scratchy get killed by a black Jell-O mold shaped like Itchy.
- An Itchy in Stormtrooper uniform kills a Scratchy in Starfleet uniform.
- An Itchy with ridiculously big ears (a la Ferengi) sells a bomb-trapped shuttlecraft to
Scratchy.
- Itchy bores Scratchy to death with meaningless technobabble.
- Itchy blows up Scratchy, then a Ferengi captain says "I did not think mice had such iron."
(Note: This is a spoof on a scene in the TNG episode "Peak Performance", where the captain of a Ferengi warship says "I did not think the federation had such iron" when Picard decides to seemingly blow up a derelict Starfleet ship rather than surrendering it)
- Species 8472 rip Scratchy to pieces.
- Scratchy gets assimilated by the Borg.
- Itchy sabotages a bridge console in order to assassinate Scratchy.
- Captain Kirk helps Scratchy defeat Itchy. (Nothing is impossible for Jim Kirk!)
- Itchy borrows a Romulan cloaking device.

Jimbo Jones:
- He's a sissy! Set phasers on kill!

Judge:
- Ensign Hutz, do you realize you are not wearing your uniform?

Julius Hibbert:
- Do you use a d'k'tahg as a can opener?

Kearney:
- Take that, Prime Directive boy!

Kent Brockman's daughter:
- Fritz you idiot! I asked for the heart of a targ, not the barge full of gagh!

Kent Brockman:
- This just in, tensions continue to mount between Springfield and the Klingon Empire over Mayor Quimby's now famous gagh joke! The High Chancellor of the Klingon Empire has threatened swift and massive retaliation if he doesn't recieve an immediate apology.
- Attention, all Starfleet members. Even though the Federation itself is completely
non-violent, they urges you to be as violent as you like in capturing the Romulan spies.

Krusty the Klown:
- That dummy doesn't scare me. I've have pretty many guys come after me, and I'm buried them all. Ferengi corporations. The Dominion. The Borg Collective.
- So here we have the Klingon equivalent of Itchy And Scratchy - Fek'lhr & QIn pup!! (Translates into "Demon & Spearhead" respectively)
- Hey, yutz! Phasers aren't toys. They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the Dominion out of this quadrant.

Lenny:
- Dilithium?? Isn't that dangerous??
- Hand Phasers have gotten a lot of bad press lately, but they're manufactured for a reason: to take out today's modern super animal such as the tribble, Species 8472 and all the weird birds on Qo'noS.
- He's OK, but he's no Captain Kirk!
- This place is emptier than a Ferengi pay toilet.
- Come on, put that away: those (technobabble technobabble) give you cancer.

Lionel Hutz:
- Can you imagine how many money the Ferengi would make if you couldn't sue them?
- Case won in 30 minutes or a free trip to Risa!

Lou:
- Chief, that wasn't a jem'hadar. That was the school basket ball team's captain.
(or, alternatively):
- Chief, that wasn't a klingon. That was Ian Anderson. (this is a satire at the hairstyles of post-TNG klingons, who have hairdos similar to that Ian Anderson had during his young years)

Maude Flanders:
- Wait. That's the kind of thing you should start learning at Starfleet Academy.

Milhouse van Houten:
- Wait! How about a fair? Not just a planet fair, not just Federation fair, but a Quadrant fair ...the Alpha Quadrant Fair on Ferenginar!

Monty Burns:
- Smithers, unleash the tribbles!
- Smithers, Who's that lazy guy aboard the starship NCC-7G?
- Smithers, fetch the replicator!
- Smithers, set phaser to "amnesia ray!"
- A human crewman carrying on like an over-sexed vulcan in pon farr! Mr.Simpson, this is a family Starfleet! Our surveys show that more than 50% of our officers are female!!
- I'll name that Borg Queen.... "Smithers."
- This needs a celebration. Let's seperate this starship's saucer.
- Smithers, why haven't I heard of Species 8472? They're as ugly and wicked as I, but they seem to enjoy tax exempt status!
- What happened to my stuffed tribble Bobo??
- I've got a photon torpedo in my pocket!!
- The Betazoids know what you think!
- D'oh! Fiddle-faddle, everyone knows that Species 8472 have three legs.

Morris Szyslak:
- Now listen to me: I'm gonna glue a tribble to your back and send you to Qo'nos!!
- I was tutored by Quark at the bartender school.
- I'm looking for a Cochrane, first name Zephram. ZEPHRAM COCHRANE!
- And I've got you starship flying lessons!!
- Oh. I know. It's Quark's big ears, right??
- Hey, you guys lied to me: you said it was Ferenginar!

Movementarian Klingons:
- Nananananananana Kahless! Nananananananana Kahless!
- He's the head of the Klingon Empire, and when our next Negh'var-class Battleship is complete, he will take us to the wormhole near DS9 where we will KICK A DAMN LOT OF JEM'HADAR ARSE!!!
- Outsiders have kidnapped the Chancellor. We must respond with our deadliest weapon. [sinister] The sword of Kahless. [/sinister]

Movementarian Borg:
- When you surrender yourself to the Borg, you are guaranteed a
perfect life of assimilation and love, and loving assimilation!
- Start an assimilation! Everybody loves a droning, repetetive assimilation session.

Ned Flanders:
- Which bible for tonight's bible quiz? What about the Klingon Bible With Even More Extra-Militaristic Hero Worship*, the Extra-Logical Bible For Vulcans, The Holo-Bible, The Revised 24th Century Bible, The Starfleet Bible, the Bureaucratic Federation Bible, The Technobabbly Bible Edited By Geordi LaForge & B'Elanna Torres, The Phaser-Proof Bible, Maquis Underground Bible, What Gene Roddenberry Thinks Of The Bible or the Ferengi equivalent of The Bible also known as "The Rules of Acquisition?"
- Live diddily-longily and prosperiospery!
- And Harry Potter was thrown in a black hole by Q for practising witchcraft.
- In all these sixty years I've lived I've never broken the Prime Directive.
- That is illogicaliddily-diddly!
- Who wants to be the first to enter Stovokor?? (Imagine Ned saying this while pointing a phaser at a bunch of Klingons, this would be dead funny!!)
- Do you regret the Ferengi and their empty Rules Of Acquisition??
- Don't you kids know anything? The Praxis Incident? The Dominion Wars? The Assimilation And De-Assimilation Of Jean-Luc Picard?

Nelson Muntz:
- I never hang out with Vulcans. Normally.

Nick Riviera:
- Hi everybody! I'm Nick the holodoctor.
- When you were hit by the phaser beam, did you feel you brain getting damaged?

Old Asian Guy:
- We also sell synthetic alcohol, which I call "Synthahol"!

Otto:
- Uh, you need a Starship certificate to manuevre a shuttlecraft?
- As the only Starfleet officer here on board of this shuttlecraft, I have one thing to say.... and that is: Cool, dude!
- Damn!! Why did I let the Ferengi sell me this lousy audio tape??
- We met in the Summer of Love. Woodstock, Year 2369.

Professor Frink:
- (technobabble technobabble technobabble technobabble technobabble technobabble).
- And then we have a square spacecraft which is called a Borg Cube. Or a Frink-class Tactical Cubeship after its designer.
- You've got to listen to me. Elementary chaos theory tells us that all Jem'hadar will
eventually turn against the Founders of the Dominion and run amok in an orgy of blood and
kicking and the biting with their teeth and the hurting and shoving.

Ralph Wiggum:
- My tribble's breath smells like tribble food.
- I bent my klingon.
- Ms. Hoover, can I have a razor-toothed Gree worm?? I ate my razor-toothed Gree worm.
- When I'm going to grow up, I'm gonna graduate at Starfleet University.

Rappin' Rabbis:
- Don't touch pork, not even if you're a Borg.

Rodd Flanders:
- Dad, can I poke Todd with a kut'luch like that Klingon did?? (a kut'luch is a knife type which is popular amongst Klingon assassins)

Selma:
- Now we own you, like the Ferengi own... stuff...
- You always want more heart-of-targ. If it were up to you, the brew would be nothing but targ-hearts.

Seymour Skinner:
- I'm trying to explain how illogical I was.
- There's only one USS Enterprise, but it's the coolest one!

Stacy Lavelle:
- They kicked me out when they found out I was funnelling profits to the Maquis.

Sunday School Teacher:
- Uh, but Bart, we banned you from Starfleet Academy. You were happy, we were happy,
everybody was happy - particularly the tribbles.
- Ralph, starships don't have wheels.
- OK, class, we have a special treat today for pass-around: a replica of the
phaser Kirk used in his years as Captain.

Talking Malibu Stacy Doll:
- I wish they taught shopping at Starfleet Academy.
- Let's shop at Ferenginar, they don't have trade restrictions.
- Don't ask me! I'm not the ship's counsellor!!
- Let's replicate some cookies for the boys.

Timothy Lovejoy:
- And the book of Leviticus says: "Thou shalt obey thy Prime Directive!"
- And God commanded Noah to build an ark, which Noah named "Enterprise."
- The Borg are coming!!! The end of the world as we know it is nigh! You will all be assimilated....
- Our only major quarrels are your ignorance to the Prime Directive.
- And with flaming bat'leths, the Klingons did pierce the eyes of their foes and
did feast on what flowed forth. Among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of
our flesh...
- Dear Lord, it's an avian lifeform upon whose body a noncorporeal lifeform is superimposing neural patterns!
- Today's Bajoran doesn't think he needs the prophets. He's got his phaser, his holodeck, and his replicator...
- Worf, there's an oil stain in the shuttlebay that looks like Emperor Kahless...
- Ladies and gentlemen, there is still a shape-shifter among us.
- Oh, the devil has given those Jem'Hadar superhuman strength!

Waylon Smithers:
- You mean the hand phaser, sir?

Willy:
- Get back ye pansy Jem'Hadar! There's nary an alien alive which can kill an angry Scotsman!!
- Nuqneh, you cheese-eatin' monkeys!
- Arhh!! Too many of the Borg ones!
- If elected Admiral, my first act would be to kill the whole lot of you and burn Starfleet to cinders!!

A certain dialogue from "Homer's Night Out" could turn out this way:
MARGE: I want him to see that she's a real human being with real thoughts and
real feelings. I want Bart to see you apologize for the way you treated
her.
HOMER: But she has no feelings. She's a Vulcan.

*Although with the amount of militaristic hero-worship in the bible, it would be enough for the current King James Bible to attract the average Klingon if only you changed "God created Man in his image" to "God created Klingons in his image." (Klingons HATE being informed that they are genetically inferior to others, it's actually why they hate the Romulans so much!) That's enough to make most of the population of Qo'nos go Christian, but I'm sure that some of them would need sentiments like "Thou shalt not suffer a tribble to live." The Klingon belief in hereditary sin can also be found in the Old Testament.

[Captain tycho]

LOL.

[SAMAS]

You forgot one:

Comic Store Guy -- Janeway! *pssht!* Worst Captain -EVER!-

[paladin]

If the Simpsons was set in the ST universe, ST would be vastily improved.

LMAO

[neoolong]

If the Simpsons was set in the ST universe, ST would be vastily improved.

LMAO

Of course. Simpsons makes everthing better.

[Typhonis 1]

Man Homer Simpson as Chief Engineer on the Enterprise*LMAO*

[TrailerParkJawa]

LOL!

Dont forget Bart making crank calls the Neutral Zone and Rigel.

[Andrew J.]

Kang and Kodos would kill any post-TOS aliens.

[MirrorUniverseSpy1]

Very funny, very creative.

[Master of Ossus]

LOL! Apu: Yes, I ratted on Homer, but he deserved it. Never have I seen such abuse of the take a credit, leave a credit tray.

[starfury]

LOL, That is so funny

[Peregrin Toker]

Kang and Kodos would kill any post-TOS aliens.

Aren't K&K named after TOS characters??

[Typhonis 1]

Could you see the borg assimulating Homer?? Man millions of homer simpson borg clones "mmmmmmmm Doughnuts...arrrrrrrrgggglllleeee"