Incomprehensibly sucky movies

Lord Zentei · Post by **Lord Zentei** » 2006-06-13 04:38pm

I just saw "the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen". My fucking god.

Such absolute butchery of a interesting story should be a criminal offense. I mean, it's almost as if these clowns went out of their way to fuck up on as many levels as they possibly could and exelled at it.

Not only was it a script-deprived, poorly acted, poorly directed pile of trash, the action scenes that they seemed to be betting on were idiotic and the effects were unbeleivable to the point of being farcical.

TLoEG has probably been done to death in earlier threads, but I had to vent on this, being pissed off and all.

And incidentally, Hollywood assholes have also "remade" (read: "pissed on the grave of") The Omen. Goddamn it, when will some NORAD officer put that goddamn Tinseltown out of everyone's misery?

Admiral Valdemar · Post by **Admiral Valdemar** » 2006-06-13 04:46pm

The LXG movie was bearable, but a real letdown all the same. Hollywood is simply excelling at mediocrity.

Zero · Post by **Zero** » 2006-06-13 04:53pm

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen was an absolute assassination of interesting literary personalities. If murder weren't illegal, the screenplay writer, director, and executive producer would all be dead. That's how much that movie pissed me off.

As for the remake of The Omen, it wasn't a bad flick, actually. Most of the characters were believable, although I can't compare it to the original, since I've never seen it. This is a remake that didn't totally piss me off.

Lord Zentei · Post by **Lord Zentei** » 2006-06-13 04:55pm

Admiral Valdemar wrote:The LXG movie was bearable, but a real letdown all the same. Hollywood is simply excelling at mediocrity.

I disagree that it was bearable: it was only because I was a guest that I bothered to watch all of it and swallow enough of my disgust to mutter "sure, fine action flic" through my teeth. If it had any redeeming qualities at all, I'd like to have them pointed out to me.

Edit: spellink.

Admiral Valdemar · Post by **Admiral Valdemar** » 2006-06-13 04:57pm

Well, to balance the karma, I'd suggest saving up the the collector's editions of the graphic novels. I know I am, having not got the originals.

Lord Zentei · Post by **Lord Zentei** » 2006-06-13 05:02pm

Zero132132 wrote:The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen was an absolute assassination of interesting literary personalities. If murder weren't illegal, the screenplay writer, director, and executive producer would all be dead. That's how much that movie pissed me off.

Indeed.

As for the remake of The Omen, it wasn't a bad flick, actually. Most of the characters were believable, although I can't compare it to the original, since I've never seen it. This is a remake that didn't totally piss me off.

It got 28% on Rotten Tomatoes, quite appropriately. "Not a bad flic" in this day and age makes it mediocre, unfortunately.

Admiral Valdemar wrote:Well, to balance the karma, I'd suggest saving up the the collector's editions of the graphic novels. I know I am, having not got the originals.

And then beat those worthless producers over the heads with them.

And seriously, some jackass reviewer actually said that they had "tried too hard to stick to the comic". What a complete fucking moron. Here's a hint for reviewers: if you want to spew hackneyed shit like that, how about actually reading the fucking comic book first so you know what the hell you are talking about?

Jack Bauer · Post by **Jack Bauer** » 2006-06-13 05:05pm

Contact.

It makes me sick just thinking about it.

Lord Zentei · Post by **Lord Zentei** » 2006-06-13 05:06pm

Jack Bauer wrote:Contact.

It makes me sick just thinking about it.

Do share the gory details...

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2006-06-13 05:09pm

This one's old and obscure, but I always liked the old Tom Berenger/Charlie Sheen baseball movie Major League, and I was absolutely stunned at the incredible drop-off in quality between the original film and its sequel, Major League 2. The original film had a heart; the sequel had neither heart or brain.

Similarly, the decision to make Highlander 2: The Dopey Alien Backstory is incomprehensible; one wonders what people were smoking in order to approve that. It pissed all over the whole concept of the first movie.

And finally, Mortal Kombat is a cult classic and a guilty pleasure, but Mortal Kombat 2 was an utter abomination to celluloid. When someone says "release your inner dragon" in a martial-arts movie, you expect him to be speaking metaphorically. You do not expect the hero to morph into a giant fucking CGI dragon at the end of the movie and have a CGI fight with the bad guy who is also a giant CGI dragon.

Trust me, mediocrity from Hollywood is really not that bad. Not when they still retain the option to make absolute shit.

Post by **Gandalf** » 2006-06-13 05:13pm

Darth Wong wrote:Similarly, the decision to make Highlander 2: The Dopey Alien Backstory is incomprehensible; one wonders what people were smoking in order to approve that. It pissed all over the whole concept of the first movie.

IIRC, the story was written by a South American accountant who looked at successful films of the time. He saw what was in them, aliens amongst other things, then put them into his script.

How they got Connery/Lambert back in is beyond me.

Darth Lucifer · Post by **Darth Lucifer** » 2006-06-13 05:14pm

Here's one: Megaforce (1982). The dressed link will take you to a place that reveals just how awful this movie is, complete with sound clips and video!

God, I can't believe I actually once thought these guys were THE SHIT. Jumping out of planes with Persis Khambatta, Flying Motorcycles with machine guns and missles! Dune Buggies with Night Camouflage! Holographic Technology fr0m teh future!!!11!!elevenoneshiftwun11!!!!

I keep telling myself I was like seven years old, but I showed a copy of this to one of my nephews and he had the decent common sense to know a piece of shit movie when he saw one (except for the Beverly Hillbillies). Maybe I was just a stupid kid.

Darth Lucifer · Post by **Darth Lucifer** » 2006-06-13 05:17pm

Darth Wong wrote:... Mortal Kombat 2 was an utter abomination to celluloid. When someone says "release your inner dragon" in a martial-arts movie, you expect him to be speaking metaphorically. You do not expect the hero to morph into a giant fucking CGI dragon at the end of the movie and have a CGI fight with the bad guy who is also a giant CGI dragon.

The dialogue wasn't even that good...I think the exact words from Nightwolf to Liu Kang were "Find your Animality." WTF?!?

NeoGoomba · Post by **NeoGoomba** » 2006-06-13 05:21pm

With Mortal Kombat let us not forget the might that is Street Fighter with Box Office Savior Van Damme.

That movie wounded my soul it was so friggen bad

Lord Zentei · Post by **Lord Zentei** » 2006-06-13 05:30pm

I'd also mention Nemesis, though two words "Berman" and "Braga" explain that one, so it's not incomprehensibly sucky anymore.

Except for "how the hell did those clowns keep their fucking jobs?" Now, that's incomprehensible.

Jim Raynor · Post by **Jim Raynor** » 2006-06-13 05:36pm

The Big Bounce was a supposed comedy/heist film starring Owen Wilson that came out a couple of years ago. Despite some notable names in the cast (Wilson, Morgan Freeman), it was just unbelievably bad. The audio was crap, and you could barely hear or comprehend what people were saying. There were no actual laughs, and the script was so lazy that they didn't even show the fucking theft. It was incredibly boring and pointless, and it seemed like the movie was just an excuse for the cast and crew to go to Hawaii. The only smart thing in the movie was when Morgan Freeman's character said "God is just an imaginary friend for grown ups."

The Chronicles of Riddick was so stupid and plotless that it actually hurt my brain and forced me to lie down after watching it. I'm not exxagerating.

I knew The Master of Disguise starring Dana Carvey would be horrible before I watched it, but I saw the movie anyway out of morbid curiosity. Holy shit was that retarded.

Finally on my list, there's the much more obscure Steel Justice. It was a fantasy movie about a cop who fought crime with the help of, and I shit you not, Robosaurus from those early 90s monster truck shows. Of course, Robosaurus has an extremely limited ability to move, so watching it stand around puffing fire and slowly waving its arms while criminals fled in terror was laughable. Even more retarded, the movie was set in the not too distant future, a setting that it utterly failed to use in an intelligent way. Supposedly the ozone had been destroyed by pollution, and the planet was a lot hotter now. No, this was not in any way relevant to the plot. The world still looked exactly the same, and people still walked around outside wearing normal clothes. So how did they deal with this heat? At night they would visit "Ice Bars," which are normal bars where you would go to drink, except there are big blocks of ice placed in the middle of every table.

The worst part is that from the way the movie ended, it was apparently intended to be the pilot of a TV series. Somebody not only thought this was a good idea, but that people would want to watch an overgrown toy dinosaur week after week!

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2006-06-13 05:50pm

Having never seen Major League 2...glad I missed it, as the first one I did enjoy. Wish I could say the same about Ghostbusters 2....did that ever suck.

Now onto some other...Mike already touched upon Highlander 2, but I have to say this. Aside from Mortal Kombat 2, it is one of the few sequels that not only butchers a cheesy film, it actually makes you wonder how the fuck?

Highlander was already a semi cheesy film but with an interesting concept and some decent material. With 2 we get all that thrown out with the bath water and have people try to tell you that they are exiles from Dune, and their punishment is to be immortal on a garden planet. Sorry, I really and truly cannot see the .....punishment in this. Less said on bad it was in other areas, the better.

Mortal Kombat 2? The fact Johnny Cage dies at the start sets the tempo to suck.

Then there is finally Batman and Robin. Sorry, superhero films are already campy but when you are seriously trying to make the BAT CREDIT CARD a realistic element, you lose any and all suspension of disbelief.

Pick · Post by **Pick** » 2006-06-13 05:55pm

I'd consider Batman and Robin one of the worst films I have ever seen in all my life. I cannot even begin to explain how much I hated it, and how pointless it all seemed. That and the COLORS and COMPOSITION just pained my artistic sense.

---

Though personally, I liked Chronicles of Riddick, nyah nyah

. Why did everyone hate this film so much?

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2006-06-13 05:56pm

Mario1470 wrote:Here's one: Megaforce (1982). The dressed link will take you to a place that reveals just how awful this movie is, complete with sound clips and video!

God, I can't believe I actually once thought these guys were THE SHIT. Jumping out of planes with Persis Khambatta, Flying Motorcycles with machine guns and missles! Dune Buggies with Night Camouflage! Holographic Technology fr0m teh future!!!11!!elevenoneshiftwun11!!!!

I keep telling myself I was like seven years old, but I showed a copy of this to one of my nephews and he had the decent common sense to know a piece of shit movie when he saw one (except for the Beverly Hillbillies). Maybe I was just a stupid kid.

Ah yes, the movie that inspired Team America.

Rye · Post by **Rye** » 2006-06-13 06:07pm

Batman and Robin I found just terrible, and I liked Batman Forever!

Street Fighter - still not seen all of it, but the bits I have seen were shit beyond all reason.

Mortal Kombat - Annihilation - just...wtf? Balls that rolled around in the Earth's crust? Outworld sky having jaggy edges around falling ninjas? Shao Khan being that guy from the X Files and he never wears his helmet? Sub Zero nothing more than a cameo? Fuck off.

XTRO II - Terrible film that I had ages ago. Just awful. Plagiarised aliens stuff with hammy acting and writing that read like it was the product of 12 year olds, in all seriousness, that's what it reminded me of, stories friends of mine had written when I was 12. The really odd thing though, was a lot of the things that happened in the script also happened in similar ways in Half Life 1, I have to wonder if one of the level designers wasn't a closet fan.

Zero · Post by **Zero** » 2006-06-13 06:08pm

Pick wrote: Though personally, I liked Chronicles of Riddick, nyah nyah . Why did everyone hate this film so much?

Because Riddick is so wanktastic that it can't be believed. I mean, he threatened to kill someone with a fucking teacup! The movie also had a completely different feel to it than its prequel, Pitch Black, which I still think was fucking cool as hell, and I honestly had no idea why they were doing a sequel at all. It just pissed me off, I guess.

None of the movies mentioned measure up to a movie called Going Overboard, which is bar none the most stupid movie ever created. It has a 1.9 on IMDB, and is actually listed as the 6th worst movie on the site. I think it'd be #1 if more people had seen it. This movie made me want to kill Adam Sandler, and everyone he'd ever met.

SylasGaunt · Post by **SylasGaunt** » 2006-06-13 06:10pm

NeoGoomba wrote:With Mortal Kombat let us not forget the might that is Street Fighter with Box Office Savior Van Damme.

That movie wounded my soul it was so friggen bad

Though to be fair it can be a great laugh if you watch it with the right mindset. Like the Honda/Zangief fight in Bison's model city.. complete with Godzilla noises and the japanese member of Guile's team looking on.

Frank Hipper · Post by **Frank Hipper** » 2006-06-13 06:18pm

Incomprehensibly sucky?

Stargate.
There's one flick that where I was shocked at the suckitudinal forces evident in it's creation; the predictability, Kurt Russel's pathetically lame character, James Spader's even more pathetically lame character, the embarrassingly ham-fisted yet syrupy-sweet anti-handgun message, the predictability, the pushing of the pseudo-science bullshit message...

It all added up to "Incomprehensibly Sucky" to me, and I was very sad that I payed the ticket price to see it.

Perhaps the only time in entertainment history where a TV spin-off is better than the original. Much better...

Patrick Degan · Post by **Patrick Degan** » 2006-06-13 07:18pm

Baseketball. We at the New Orleans Worst Film Festival wouldn't dream of touching that pile of crap with a 50ft. pole.

Lord Pounder · Post by **Lord Pounder** » 2006-06-13 07:22pm

Zero132132 wrote:
Pick wrote: Though personally, I liked Chronicles of Riddick, nyah nyah . Why did everyone hate this film so much?
Because Riddick is so wanktastic that it can't be believed. I mean, he threatened to kill someone with a fucking teacup! The movie also had a completely different feel to it than its prequel, Pitch Black, which I still think was fucking cool as hell, and I honestly had no idea why they were doing a sequel at all. It just pissed me off, I guess.

It was a soup cup actually and he did kill the dude with it. Personally i liked it. It has many likeable qualities. some women to look at, violence and a few explosions. I also think you miss the point. Riddick is supposed to be wankastic. He comes from a race of people destroyed by a man affraid that race would kill him, in responce Riddick becomes the only known survivor and kills the man who slaughtered his race, A perfect self-fullfilling prophecy.

Frank Hipper · Post by **Frank Hipper** » 2006-06-13 07:31pm

Patrick Degan wrote:Baseketball. We at the New Orleans Worst Film Festival wouldn't dream of touching that pile of crap with a 50ft. pole.

Hey now!
Any film that contains not a "Momma" joke, nor a "I Fucked Your Momma" joke, but a "I Fucked Your Dead Momma" joke can't be all bad.

Your mother's deaf!

My mother isn't deaf, she's dead!

Oh, so that's why she didn't move around too much.

Comedy gold, I'm giggling even now...