Incomprehensibly sucky movies

Pick · Post by **Pick** » 2006-06-13 07:36pm

Oh! Actually, they showed Santa Claus Conquers the Martians last year on TV during the holidays. There are really no words for how awful --just awful that movie is. Seriously. It is so, so, so bad. I was laughing with pain.

LongVin · Post by **LongVin** » 2006-06-13 07:48pm

Any of the Bourne series movies.

First off the editting is atrocious for any action scenes all it consisted of was a shaky camera with quick cuts every second to another fuzzy equally shaky angle. I got a headache from the action scenes in those movies.

skotos · Post by **skotos** » 2006-06-13 08:41pm

I give you: Jaws: The Revenge. As Brian over at WWWF Grudge Match points out:

Brian wrote:Jaws: The Revenge, however, is clearly about a fish seeking revenge on people.

Enough said.

Trogdor · Post by **Trogdor** » 2006-06-13 09:43pm

The movie adaption of Stephen King's book "Dreamcatcher" was pretty fucking horrible. The decision to make such a movie in the first damn place is pretty questionable, considering that the effect of the painkillers King was on at the time he wrote the book were pretty apparent on the plot. Then they take what plot was there and butcher the hell out of it. Duddits was not an alien, damnit!

Captain tycho · Post by **Captain tycho** » 2006-06-13 09:51pm

Lightweights.

Manos, Hands of Fate. The worst movie, ever made in the history of mankind. Ever MST3K barely made it tolerable.
I still love Torgo, though.

Dennis Toy · Post by **Dennis Toy** » 2006-06-13 10:29pm

Any weather-based disaster movie...

The Day after Tommorow: Dont get me started on how this shit butchers science with its global warming causing major weather changes at a fast rate.

And there this...

The sci-fi channel movie Black Hole, an experiment goes wrong and a black hole opens up near St Louis and threatens to swallow it. I can tell you how this mutilates science ( like the fact that even a small black hole that small can swallow earth due to its intense gravitational pull ) They should have just repolarized the graviton pulse and then cut a hole in it's event horizon.

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2006-06-13 10:54pm

Dennis Toy wrote:The sci-fi channel movie Black Hole, an experiment goes wrong and a black hole opens up near St Louis and threatens to swallow it. I can tell you how this mutilates science ( like the fact that even a small black hole that small can swallow earth due to its intense gravitational pull ) They should have just repolarized the graviton pulse and then cut a hole in it's event horizon.

NO! WE NEED TO NUKE IT!

The Vodka Vindicator · Post by **The Vodka Vindicator** » 2006-06-13 10:57pm

Any romantic comedy. Seriously someone needs to splice in frames of scat fetish pornography and other sick things into all romantic comedies. That would kill them.

Dennis Toy · Post by **Dennis Toy** » 2006-06-13 11:11pm

Dennis Toy wrote:
The sci-fi channel movie Black Hole, an experiment goes wrong and a black hole opens up near St Louis and threatens to swallow it. I can tell you how this mutilates science ( like the fact that even a small black hole that small can swallow earth due to its intense gravitational pull ) They should have just repolarized the graviton pulse and then cut a hole in it's event horizon.

NO! WE NEED TO NUKE IT!

you can't nuke a black hole, the fallout will be sucked back in. You have to repolarise the graviton pulse and route it throught the deflector dish.

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2006-06-13 11:18pm

The Vodka Vindicator wrote:Any romantic comedy. Seriously someone needs to splice in frames of scat fetish pornography and other sick things into all romantic comedies. That would kill them.

Ah yes, because there's no such thing as a good romantic comedy.

What hole did you crawl from, and why did you bother emerging into the sunlight to bother us?

Noble Ire · Post by **Noble Ire** » 2006-06-13 11:34pm

DPDarkPrimus wrote:
Dennis Toy wrote:The sci-fi channel movie Black Hole, an experiment goes wrong and a black hole opens up near St Louis and threatens to swallow it. I can tell you how this mutilates science ( like the fact that even a small black hole that small can swallow earth due to its intense gravitational pull ) They should have just repolarized the graviton pulse and then cut a hole in it's event horizon.
NO! WE NEED TO NUKE IT!

"...if we drop all 992 N2 mines in existance into it, the dirac sea should collapse."

Zor · Post by **Zor** » 2006-06-13 11:59pm

I forget the name of it, but there is this praticularly shitty movie that was partially made in Eastern Europe that they play on space every once and awhile. It involves a world that's super poluted so man is reduced to a population of people cyrogenicly frozen people and a few caretakers. Then someone plans on using solar flares and the hubble space telescope to restore earth, and it gets dumber and dumber. Combine this with the Shittiest CGI you have ever seen and you have a movie that watching it is a similer experiance to having your brain put through a sausage maker.

Zor

Xon · Post by **Xon** » 2006-06-14 12:37am

Lord Zentei wrote:
Jack Bauer wrote:Contact.

It makes me sick just thinking about it.
Do share the gory details...

It is a movizied version of some Michael Crichton book. That should be enough to tell you how horrible it is.

Spacebeard · Post by **Spacebeard** » 2006-06-14 12:39am

Xon wrote:
Lord Zentei wrote:
Jack Bauer wrote:Contact.

It makes me sick just thinking about it.
Do share the gory details...
It is a movizied version of some Michael Crichton book. That should be enough to tell you how horrible it is.

... what? The Contact I know was a good Carl Sagan book that was adapted into a decent movie.

Xon · Post by **Xon** » 2006-06-14 12:41am

Spacebeard wrote:... what? The Contact I know was a good Carl Sagan book that was adapted into a decent movie.

Oops, I was thinking of Sphere.

Not an incomprehensibly sucky movie because it was based on a Michael Crichton book.

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2006-06-14 12:42am

I was going to say... Contact was a damn fine film.

Tsyroc · Post by **Tsyroc** » 2006-06-14 12:48am

Red Sonja is really bad. It was the first movie I was really disappointed I paid money to see. I kind of enjoy how bad it is now but still not enough to own or rent it. One of the few times when Old School Arnold was actually one of the better actors in a movie.

King Kong Lives Absolutely horrible in almost all ways. It has two good scenes. Kong walks on some guy's Lamborghini and the final scene where Kong pounds the villain into the ground with his fist. There were some interesting choices in the visuals since the previous Delaurentis movie but most of it looked pretty fake. Like 1970s Godzilla movie fake. IIRC it was made PG-13 so they could have more violence, flash Linda Hamilton's boob, and have a female Kong to go with the male one.

Post by **Vympel** » 2006-06-14 01:22am

The Chronicles of Riddick was so stupid and plotless that it actually hurt my brain and forced me to lie down after watching it. I'm not exxagerating.

Buh?!!?!?!

Riddick kicked major ass. It was better than Pitch Black (which was fun in its own way) and it most certainly had an awesome fucking plot. No one could call it "plotless", objectively. Humour, action, a great anti-hero protagonist, awesome effects and design ... ahhh what a great movie.

Durandal · Post by **Durandal** » 2006-06-14 01:44am

Darth Wong wrote:This one's old and obscure, but I always liked the old Tom Berenger/Charlie Sheen baseball movie Major League, and I was absolutely stunned at the incredible drop-off in quality between the original film and its sequel, Major League 2. The original film had a heart; the sequel had neither heart or brain.

The whole charm of a movie like Major League is that you discover the personalities of the people involved and watch them grow from one ridiculous situation to the next. The story that made the movie great was that it was about underdogs who come up to win it in the end. You can't redo that premise with the same characters because they've already overcome that obstacle. And artificially putting them back in that position almost always comes across as a bullshit plot device.

Same with Ghostbusters 2. The original was funny because the audience was discovering all these aspects of the absurd movie universe along with the characters. You can't just do that over again.

Oni Koneko Damien · Post by **Oni Koneko Damien** » 2006-06-14 02:44am

Without delving into MST3K'd movies (which makes up a huge portion of the list), I came up with this...

Any Land Before Time movie after the first. I still love the first one. The second was torturous, then it went downhill from there. I lost track of how many wretched reduxes they did after number six or so. But god, I still love that first one.

And Mortal Kombat is indeed a guilty pleasure. It's something you can watch, gape at how bad it is, yet still be inspired to laughter by it.

"The fate of the world rests in your hands, hahahahaha! Ha, haha, ...sorry."

Crazedwraith · Post by **Crazedwraith** » 2006-06-14 05:01am

The Vodka Vindicator wrote:Any romantic comedy.

I have four words for you:

Shawn of the Dead.

And to be on topic I think I'll pick an easy Target: AvP. If you can have Three predator's hopeless trying to fight off hundreds off Xeno and I'm still not interested. You suck.

KrauserKrauser · Post by **KrauserKrauser** » 2006-06-14 05:48am

The one that made the top of my hated movie list:

Time Machine

I didn't mind it up until the point where he started traveling forward in time.

At the point where the Albino super dudes were blowing up due to something in the ground? Yeah my brain exploded. I'm still trying to find the missing pieces.

Zero · Post by **Zero** » 2006-06-14 06:44am

Lord Pounder wrote:
Zero132132 wrote:
Pick wrote: Though personally, I liked Chronicles of Riddick, nyah nyah . Why did everyone hate this film so much?
Because Riddick is so wanktastic that it can't be believed. I mean, he threatened to kill someone with a fucking teacup! The movie also had a completely different feel to it than its prequel, Pitch Black, which I still think was fucking cool as hell, and I honestly had no idea why they were doing a sequel at all. It just pissed me off, I guess.
It was a soup cup actually and he did kill the dude with it. Personally i liked it. It has many likeable qualities. some women to look at, violence and a few explosions. I also think you miss the point. Riddick is supposed to be wankastic. He comes from a race of people destroyed by a man affraid that race would kill him, in responce Riddick becomes the only known survivor and kills the man who slaughtered his race, A perfect self-fullfilling prophecy.

I got all of it, I just didn't find his wanktasticness interesting and entertaining so much as annoying. That being said, I don't think it deserves to be considered a movie that's incomprehensibly bad. In fact, I'll probably see a sequel if/when it's made. I just don't think it was good.

Big Orange · Post by **Big Orange** » 2006-06-14 06:48am

Lord Zentei wrote:I just saw "the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen". My fucking god.

Such absolute butchery of a interesting story should be a criminal offense. I mean, it's almost as if these clowns went out of their way to fuck up on as many levels as they possibly could and exelled at it.

Not only was it a script-deprived, poorly acted, poorly directed pile of trash, the action scenes that they seemed to be betting on were idiotic and the effects were unbeleivable to the point of being farcical.

While I heartily agree that The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is a steaming pile of septic gunk that has discharged from a elephant's back passage, I wouldn't say all of the actors on it were mediocre since not even a very talented performer could really save this movie. Even though they were working with a really shite script, I thought that Peta Wilson and Tony Curran were both very good performers, but sadly they were the only real bright spots in a otherwise mediocre movie. And Sean Connery was being.... well... Sean Connery.

JointStrikeFighter · Post by **JointStrikeFighter** » 2006-06-14 07:18am

Stealth.

StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Incomprehensibly sucky movies

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