Incomprehensibly sucky movies

[Big Orange]

Stealth.

I only saw the trailers and even then I thought the movie really sucked. What was the acting and story like?

[Zero]

Stealth.

I only saw the trailers and even then I thought the movie really sucked. What was the acting and story like?

The acting wasn't terrible, but it wasn't good either. Mediocre.

The storyline was pretty stupid. It was another AI-goes-rogue-and-kills-shit scenario, except the AI was rather boring, and listened to bad rock music. It also turned into some backwards behind-enemy-lines thing in North Korea, and all the planes in the movie got wanktastic gas mileage and seemed to have almost unlimited fuel or something. Basically, it meandered this way and that, and was slightly entertaining, but generally stupid.

[Camel]

I like almost every movie I seen. Some more than less of course.
Pitch black gets old, but was still really cool.
Chronicles of Riddick was awesome, The teacup scene was one of the best parts. Fuck anyone that disagrees.
I thought "extraordinary men" was a good movie. They improved on nemo and made him kick ass. That alone was +10 points. I don't care is sean connery is old and can't kick ass. The movie made it seem that way and that is all I want. He is james bond after all. Suspension of disbelief is some thing to be achieved not avoided. As far as movies are concerned.
Fucking movie snobs. It is not that they are incorrect. They just cannot help but bitch and moan at all times forever.

[Darth Wong]

Any romantic comedy. Seriously someone needs to splice in frames of scat fetish pornography and other sick things into all romantic comedies. That would kill them.

So what's it like, being a virgin? It's been so long for me that I can't remember.

[theski]

Any romantic comedy. Seriously someone needs to splice in frames of scat fetish pornography and other sick things into all romantic comedies. That would kill them.

So what's it like, being a virgin? It's been so long for me that I can't remember.

Damm Mike you are on a roll this morning..

[Darth Wong]

Any romantic comedy. Seriously someone needs to splice in frames of scat fetish pornography and other sick things into all romantic comedies. That would kill them.

So what's it like, being a virgin? It's been so long for me that I can't remember.

Damm Mike you are on a roll this morning..

Some targets are just too good to pass up

[Lord Zentei]

While I heartily agree that The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is a steaming pile of septic gunk that has discharged from a elephant's back passage, I wouldn't say all of the actors on it were mediocre since not even a very talented performer could really save this movie. Even though they were working with a really shite script, I thought that Peta Wilson and Tony Curran were both very good performers, but sadly they were the only real bright spots in a otherwise mediocre movie. And Sean Connery was being.... well... Sean Connery.

Hmm, well. The Skinner character just pissed me off so much that I doubt I would be fair in assessing Tony Curran's performance. Certainly that little goit was no match for the deliciously disturbing Griffin from the graphic novel, so perhaps that may have the reason I was more biased than I otherwise would have been.

As for Peta Wilson - I wasn't too thrilled. Her acting was too over the top at times, though arguably that may have been more the fault of the director.

[CmdrWilkens]

Nobody said it yet that I've seen so I'll just state the obvious:


Battlfield Earth

[Lord Zentei]

I like almost every movie I seen. Some more than less of course.
Pitch black gets old, but was still really cool.
Chronicles of Riddick was awesome, The teacup scene was one of the best parts. Fuck anyone that disagrees.
I thought "extraordinary men" was a good movie. They improved on nemo and made him kick ass. That alone was +10 points. I don't care is sean connery is old and can't kick ass. The movie made it seem that way and that is all I want. He is james bond after all. Suspension of disbelief is some thing to be achieved not avoided. As far as movies are concerned.
Fucking movie snobs. It is not that they are incorrect. They just cannot help but bitch and moan at all times forever.

You are a moron who can't string together a decent sentance. And for crying out loud learn to fucking capitalize proper names.

Nemo was depicted moronically, sword in hand against machine guns, and you claim he was "improved" because he "kicks ass"? You "don't care is [sic] sean [sic] connery [sic] is old and can't kick ass"? How fucking old are you?

[The Grim Squeaker]

So what's it like, being a virgin? It's been so long for me that I can't remember.

Damm Mike you are on a roll this morning..

Some targets are just too good to pass up

It's a holy life of dignity and serene...
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, I NEED SEX BWAHAHAHA and a trip to Amsterdam for the H- "BBZZZZAAAP".
Er sorry, Virginity is a sad and miserable life when one isn't trying to deny it .

Bah anyway at least by the time I do lose my virginity you lot will be too old to experience young blood pumping sexual acrobatics.
And I consider you too old now, not in a long time before you say anything, blood post virginity bastards.
I'm going into the Angry Dome .

I don't care is sean connery is old and can't kick ass. The movie made it seem that way and that is all I want. He is james bond after all. Suspension of disbelief is some thing to be achieved not avoided. As far as movies are concerned.

Could someone translate this for me by adding Grammar and linking sentences together?
Are you (Camel) saying that SoD is something that should be held? Thats irrelevant to your posts and is a bloody given, or are you arguing against it?

Fucking movie snobs. It is not that they are incorrect.

Wait, do you think that all movie critics T

hey just cannot help but bitch and moan at all times forever.

or are you agreeing that they are correct.
If they are correct then whats wrong with them pointing out that a movie is bad? Your claim is self contradictory

[Faqa]

Aliens. When you've got a big-ass guns, tactics and cool-looking aliens in the same place and I'm STILL turning off the disc before the end out of sheer boredom, someone did indeed fuck up rather badly.

I'm filing Street Fighter under the Guilty Pleasure section. Besides, Raul Julia kicked ass as Bison, Van Damme did a better than usual job as Guile AND his troop speeches kicked ass("Who wants to go home... and WHO WANTS TO GO WITH ME!!?!!?!?!!!"). Cheesy fun, even if it did ignore the video game.

[Big Orange]

Hmm, well. The Skinner character just pissed me off so much that I doubt I would be fair in assessing Tony Curran's performance. Certainly that little goit was no match for the deliciously disturbing Griffin from the graphic novel, so perhaps that may have the reason I was more biased than I otherwise would have been.

As for Peta Wilson - I wasn't too thrilled. Her acting was too over the top at times, though arguably that may have been more the fault of the director.

I did think Peta Wilson was that bad or overacted as such in comparison to other cast members, plus the whole movie in terms of writing and directing would still be a complete clusterfuck without her. And don't be too hard on Tony Curran either, since most of the blame should be shifted onto the director and writers. It was not Curran's fault that his "Invisible Man" character was not as dark or as slimy as the comic book counterpart, he seemed to be an appealing enough actor that was held back by an appalling script.

Just because the writing is crap does not mean it's the perfomer's fault; Voyager and Enterprise were both disappointing sci-fi shows but I still felt that Robert Picardo, John Billingsley, Ethan Phillips, Connor Trinneer, Jeri Ryan, Kate Mulgrew and Dominic Keating all did well in face of the average "play it safe" writing so typical of B&B Trek.

Aliens. When you've got a big-ass guns, tactics and cool-looking aliens in the same place and I'm STILL turning off the disc before the end out of sheer boredom, someone did indeed fuck up rather badly.

Heresy, heresy, heresy, heresy, HERESY!!!

I'm filing Street Fighter under the Guilty Pleasure section. Besides, Raul Julia kicked ass as Bison, Van Damme did a better than usual job as Guile AND his troop speeches kicked ass("Who wants to go home... and WHO WANTS TO GO WITH ME!!?!!?!?!!!"). Cheesy fun, even if it did ignore the video game.

Ah well, Street Fighter has always been silly fun in my book.

Other appalling movies that I love are A View to a Kill (Christopher Walken ROCKS), Resident Evil, Steaven Segal's Under Siege saga and Passanger 57. I thought Passanger 57 was a great "bad" movie with that Alan Rickman clone stealing the show and a classic Wesley Snipes quote ("Always bet on black!").

[Admiral Johnason]

Any Chuck Norris film from the last 20 years.

Anaconda

Anything that Shaq was a lead in.

[Lord Zentei]

I did think Peta Wilson was that bad or overacted as such in comparison to other cast members, plus the whole movie in terms of writing and directing would still be a complete clusterfuck without her. And don't be too hard on Tony Curran either, since most of the blame should be shifted onto the director and writers. It was not Curran's fault that his "Invisible Man" character was not as dark or as slimy as the comic book counterpart, he seemed to be an appealing enough actor that was held back by an appalling script.

Comparing Peta Wilson to other cast members is not setting the bar very high. And the movie turned out a clusterfuck anyway She just was too much the cheesy vampire for my tastes. How much this is the fault of the director is debatable.

But fair enough on Tony Curran: he was arguably less bad than the others and moreover held back by the director and script, hell they were all held back.

Just because the writing is crap does not mean it's the perfomer's fault; Voyager and Enterprise were both disappointing sci-fi shows but I still felt that Robert Picardo, John Billingsley, Ethan Phillips, Connor Trinneer, Jeri Ryan, Kate Mulgrew and Dominic Keating all did well in face of the average "play it safe" writing so typical of B&B Trek.

This is certainly a valid point. Sometimes it is hard to tell, though sometimes it is less so, like with that jackass Evil Henchman(TM). Can't remember what the hell his name was.

[Big Orange]

Has anyone else seen that awful black "comedy", Very Bad Things? I nearly lost my lunch in the opening thirty minutes; a very attractive Asian hooker dies from a freak accident in a Las Vegas hotel room, the spoilt yuppies who hired her cover up her death by a killing a hotel worker. They then dismembered the hooker and the porter and then packed up their severed body parts into suitcases.

They then had a "wonderful" graveside scene where they put the body parts back together before they secretly interred them.

[Oni Koneko Damien]

Freddy Got Fingered.

*shivers*

I still don't know what in the blue hell I was thinking when I went to watch that.

[Turin]

Freddy Got Fingered.

*shivers*

I still don't know what in the blue hell I was thinking when I went to watch that.

Eeee-vil. A couple years back some friends and I had a "Bad Movie Theatre" night. Everyone was supposed to submit the names of bad movies, and the host was going to select 3 that she could get on Netflicks (or wherever). The first was North, which we really weren't sure whether it was supposed to be a kids movie or what. But it had all these semi-A-list actors in it but it was just comically awful. I can't even remember what the 2nd film was, but the 3rd film was Freddy Got Fingered. I have never, ever, ever seen a movie so horrifically bad. We turned it off during the "swinging newborn around by its umbilical cord" scene... we'd had enough by then.

[Crazedwraith]

Connie and Carla. Its about two women who run away from a Drugs cartel and end up impersonating Drag queens.

[Spacebeard]

The first was North, which we really weren't sure whether it was supposed to be a kids movie or what. But it had all these semi-A-list actors in it but it was just comically awful.

Ah, North. Yes, it was definitely marketed as a kids' movie; I was a kid when it came out and actually wanted to see it based on the trailer. Then I did see it, and I discovered that the joke in the trailer ("I seem to have forgotten my butterchurn!") was in fact about the only joke in the movie that even a ten year-old would laugh at. The rest was an incoherent, painful mess with a forced, cloying "lesson" tacked onto the end.

Anyway:

Most painful movies I've ever unwillingly seen in a theater:
- Some documentary consisting of nothing but shots of a flock of birds.
- MicroCosmos

Most painful movies I've ever willingly seen in a theater:
- Star Trek: Nemesis
- The Wedding Planner
- Bring Down the House
- Timeline

Most painful movies I've ever seen on video (usually via MST3K):
- Manos: The Hands of Fate
- Prince of Space
- The Beast of Yucca Flats
- Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
- Mitchell
- Pod People
- Eegah
- Overdrawn at the Memory Bank
- Timechasers

EDIT: Added Timeline, which I had forgotten until I saw Falkenhayn's post.

[Falkenhayn]

Timeline: Easily the worst movie I've ever seen in theatres.

[SirNitram]

Through the bizarre twists of fate that produced me, I enjoyed League. Aw well.

The second Matrix movie. It actually hurts more if you understand the psychobabble. Never saw the third.

[General Zod]

Constantine. Not only did they insult the excellent Hellblazer comics by casting fucking Keanu Reeves as Constantine, they completely butchered the setting and the storylines themselves, to say nothing of Keanu's horribly shitty acting.

Oh, yes, and unless I forget, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. It had the potential to be such a fantastically badass movie and they completely ruined it.

[Faqa]

The second Matrix movie. It actually hurts more if you understand the psychobabble.

It has a comprehensible meaning? Seriously. I've watched Reloaded a few times trying to figure out some kind of overall meaning behind it. Just about all I came up with were isolated psychobabble speeches and some vague shit about fate.

Than again, it has the Merovingian. And Neo's fight scene with the guy's henchmen(the look on Merv's face when Neo wipes the floor with his goons is priceless). Nothing is all bad....

[Spacebeard]

Oh, yes, and unless I forget, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. It had the potential to be such a fantastically badass movie and they completely ruined it.

I'll agree that its plot and characters were painfully stupid, but I still enjoyed it purely for the aesthetics. The cinematography was decent, and I have a major affinity for Art Deco design.

It has a comprehensible meaning? Seriously. I've watched Reloaded a few times trying to figure out some kind of overall meaning behind it. Just about all I came up with were isolated psychobabble speeches and some vague shit about fate.

Than again, it has the Merovingian. And Neo's fight scene with the guy's henchmen(the look on Merv's face when Neo wipes the floor with his goons is priceless). Nothing is all bad....

I think the biggest flaw in Reloaded is the plot and the pacing; it has a lot of scenes that are individually good, but the plot weaving them together is tangled and riddled with holes. The car chase, for example: it looks cool, and it would have worked dramatically if it were a desperate chase out to the countryside to get the Keymaker. Instead, they're magically teleported to the country, magically teleported back to the city, and have to drive on the freeway to reach a phone Just Because, making the car chase obviously completely gratuitous.

[Uraniun235]

Reign of Fire