Incomprehensibly sucky movies

Tsyroc · Post by **Tsyroc** » 2006-06-15 12:39am

Zero132132 wrote:
Uraniun235 wrote:Reign of Fire
Any movie that involves Matthew McConaughey trying to attack a bigass dragon with an axe is at least a bit entertaining. That was badass, even if it was insanely, ridiculously stupid.

That scene was great because as it was happening I was about to get extremely pissed if the move worked. Luckilly it turned out the way it did.

Jaepheth · Post by **Jaepheth** » 2006-06-15 12:41am

Being one of only two movies I've ever fell asleep during. and the only one I've never finished.

I nominate Webmaster

Cej4096 · Post by **Cej4096** » 2006-06-15 12:49am

How is it that House of the Dead hasn't been mentioned yet? I've seen Manos, Plan 9 From Outer Space, Battlefield Earth, and many other bad movies, but I don't think any of them were as full of bad ideas realized so incompetently as House of Dead.

The rest of Uwe Boll's films were bad, but in a different way. HotD was practically just a series of moments so jaw-droppingly awful that I can't even begin to fathom why anyone would think they were a good idea.

Zero · Post by **Zero** » 2006-06-15 12:53am

I can't believe no one's mentioned this yet...

Over the Top.

It's a Sylvester Stallone flick about a guy who does an arm wrestling contest to get his son back. It was perhaps the most ridiculously stupid thing I've ever watched.

To add another Sylvester Stallone movie, I'll have to briefly mention The Cobra. What a terrible, terrible idea.

Actually, most Sylvester Stallone movies qualify...

Post by **Beowulf** » 2006-06-15 12:55am

Cej4096 wrote:How is it that House of the Dead hasn't been mentioned yet? I've seen Manos, Plan 9 From Outer Space, Battlefield Earth, and many other bad movies, but I don't think any of them were as full of bad ideas realized so incompetently as House of Dead.

The rest of Uwe Boll's films were bad, but in a different way. HotD was practically just a series of moments so jaw-droppingly awful that I can't even begin to fathom why anyone would think they were a good idea.

Uwe Boll films are comprehensibly bad. They're directed by Uwe Boll.

Dennis Toy · Post by **Dennis Toy** » 2006-06-15 01:04am

Over the Top.

It's a Sylvester Stallone flick about a guy who does an arm wrestling contest to get his son back. It was perhaps the most ridiculously stupid thing I've ever watched.

To add another Sylvester Stallone movie, I'll have to briefly mention The Cobra. What a terrible, terrible idea.

cobra wasn't that bad. You didnt mention

"Stop or my mother will shoot"

Silvester stallone should stick to action and not comedy.

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2006-06-15 01:17am

Zero132132 wrote:I can't believe no one's mentioned this yet...

Over the Top.

It's a Sylvester Stallone flick about a guy who does an arm wrestling contest to get his son back. It was perhaps the most ridiculously stupid thing I've ever watched.

Comedy. Gold. Anytime you wanna go really hardcore, just flip your hat around, knuckle up, and take it OVER THE TOP.

VF5SS · Post by **VF5SS** » 2006-06-15 02:08pm

Any of you guys remember that string of bad Black guy/White guy Buddy-Cop movies? Such as...

Showtime: Eddie Murphy crackin' wise alongside deadpan Robert Deniro with the threat of SUPER GUNS from a sexy Latino mobster. The only thing that saved this movie was William Shatner playing "William Shatner, former start of T.J. Hooker."

I Spy: Slightly more of a spy thriller than a cop movie, but the Black guy/ White guy angle was still a big thing here. Has Malcolm Macdowell as a villian who has a fewer lines than members Eddie Murphy's entourage. It also feature THE SWITCHBLADE, some kind of weird VTOL fighter with a cloaking device. Not that you get to see much of it since they apparently blew most of the budget on the car chase or Eddie Murphy's paycheck.

National Security: The worst of the lot. This is one of those movies that features a racist undertone towards Steve Zahn's character (Hank) only because he's the main white guy. This movie also proves that Martin Lawrence is not funny and is only liked because he makes fun of white people. This movie even rags on Hanks relationship with a black woman. The bad guys in this movie are also totally forgettable. They could've at least had some kind of super gun truck or something, not this vague "Smuggling operation."

Post by **K. A. Pital** » 2006-06-15 02:10pm

In I, Spy I remember they have a "nuclear warhead" which says ЖДГШТыГФН (a meaningless random-type of cyrillic letters). One of the heroes reads it and says "it's a nuclear warhead". When I see such stuff, I simply bow down in great respect and amazement.

That's the real comedy gold.

Lord Zentei · Post by **Lord Zentei** » 2006-06-15 02:22pm

SirNitram wrote:Eh, everyone has their likes.

Funny thing is that I tend to like wanky combat movies; I own both the Kill Bills and I cannot help but laugh at Arnie in Commando where he casually walks through automatic weapons fire from several dozen guys.

See, my Steampunk diet includes colonizing the deserts of Mars and exploring the ruins, and conquering the jungle-dwellers of Venus. To this, the Nautilus is frankly low tech.

Actually, I have nothing at all against Steampunk or ridiculously wanky "primitive" tech either.

I guess it was just the execution; it was too obviously CGI. Apart from the fact that they planted a Nimitz-class carrier sized vessel in the canals of Venice.

Stas Bush wrote:In I, Spy I remember they have a "nuclear warhead" which says ЖДГШТыГФН (a meaningless random-type of cyrillic letters). One of the heroes reads it and says "it's a nuclear warhead". When I see such stuff, I simply bow down in great respect and amazement. That's the real comedy gold.

Hey, at least they are not using Cyrillic letters to represent Latin ones that sort of resemble them, say using Я as meaning R or something.

But yea, one would think that it wouldn't be too hard to research how to spell "NUKE" - though who the hell prints something as corny as "NUKE" all over a nuclear device anyhow?

VF5SS · Post by **VF5SS** » 2006-06-15 02:23pm

If I may add something about the shit that is National Secuirty, poor Steve Zahn was cut from theDVD cover! Isn't that great? The only good character in the movie is shafted for Martin Lawrence, who is a total asshole for the entire movie! I swear it's nothing but, "Stupid Honkey!" jokes.

You know what's weird about that nuke being from Russian (with love?) is that the Switchblade is an American airplane. Only Russian has evil nukes that any terrorist can grab apparently.

Civil War Man · Post by **Civil War Man** » 2006-06-15 02:24pm

National Treasure.

It was a popcorn movie that wasn't worth the price of the popcorn. Basically "The DaVinci Code: Early American Edition!"

Post by **K. A. Pital** » 2006-06-15 02:25pm

But yea, one would think that it wouldn't be too hard to research how to spell "NUKE"

That's easy, and fitting enough for a comedy. However, since they don't do it for serious movies (in the Bourne Movies, the Russian passport of Bourne reads "ШТЖЫнгУТФ" or something like that)

what to expect of comedies?

Davis 51 · Post by **Davis 51** » 2006-06-15 03:24pm

Civil War Man wrote:National Treasure.

It was a popcorn movie that wasn't worth the price of the popcorn. Basically "The DaVinci Code: Early American Edition!"

Eh? I thought it was a fun movie. Although I haven't read the DaVinci Code.

Basically, when I watch movies/read books/etc. I hold them independently from any other parts of the franchise they may be related to, and judge them all based on their own artistic merit. In my mind, to say that one bad movie/bad book/ect. "ruins" an entire good franchise is utterly ridiculous.

CarsonPalmer · Post by **CarsonPalmer** » 2006-06-15 03:25pm

Oh, come on. National Treasure was a really fun movie.

Guardsman Bass · Post by **Guardsman Bass** » 2006-06-15 06:06pm

CarsonPalmer wrote:Oh, come on. National Treasure was a really fun movie.

I really enjoyed it too. It had some genuinely funny moments, and Nicholas Cage was fun to watch in the movie. Probably the only thing I didn't enjoy about it was the forced romance between him and the curator.

CmdrWilkens · Post by **CmdrWilkens** » 2006-06-15 07:31pm

I almost forgot: The Wizard circa 1989.

Asmiteddly I loved it when I was 8 and wanted to own all the cool Nintendo gadgets but that's basically ALL the movie is: one gigantic advertisement for Nintendo that you had to pay to see...WTF, over.

wautd · Post by **wautd** » 2006-06-16 03:39am

Mortal Kombat II: afaik the only movie that made me actually leave the theatre in the first 5 minutes (and I liked MK I, hell even Street Fighter

)

Batman & Robin: What the fuck. It's hard to think of any good parts of it. Was lucky to see it on TV (so didn't have to pay for it) and never finished it to the end. Batman suit with nipples? Oh for fuck sake

The third Matrix Movie. I was anxious of how it all was going to end but appearantly they lost/forgot the script of the second movie so we ended up with pure nonsense.

Robocop 3: wow... Just... wow

Darth Garden Gnome · Post by **Darth Garden Gnome** » 2006-06-16 05:05am

Keanu Reeves in Thumbsucker does it for me. The movie's about nothing, doesn't really have any resolution, but Keanu... oh my goodness gracious.

I mean, we all know he's bad. This is carved into a massive boulder somewhere. But to see him in this movie, you'd think he was doing it on purpose.

Big Orange · Post by **Big Orange** » 2006-06-16 05:38am

What about Casino Royale?

What in the mother loving buggering chicken fuck was going on???!!!

I wouldn't say it was a bad movie per se, but just a widly incoherent Bond spoof that was throwing loads of money about and was a dumb showcase of the big stars from the 60s.

Andrew J. · Post by **Andrew J.** » 2006-06-16 07:30am

The Mario Bros.

I...I can't even bear to talk about it anymore.

Darth Garden Gnome · Post by **Darth Garden Gnome** » 2006-06-16 07:35am

Andrew J. wrote:The Mario Bros.

I...I can't even bear to talk about it anymore.

Ye gods, speak not of it, lest you allow its mind-boggling stupidity to unravel the very fabric of space-time.

Lord Pounder · Post by **Lord Pounder** » 2006-06-16 08:37am

Ghosts Of Mars. I mean what the fuck. If your gonna put the chick from Species ina movie front up a few hundred more and get her to whip the baps out. All in all a horrible movie.

Also nominating Donnie Darko. The movie was pure unadulterated shite. I remember seeing it long before BBC Radio 1 started telling every body it was cool. Me and my date that night just looked at each other and at exactly the same time said "what the fuck was that?". It was like an episide of Voyager on LSD. The people 've met who liked it have yet to explain proprly what the movie was about.

Darth Garden Gnome · Post by **Darth Garden Gnome** » 2006-06-16 08:41am

Lord Pounder wrote:Also nominating Donnie Darko. The movie was pure unadulterated shite. I remember seeing it long before BBC Radio 1 started telling every body it was cool. Me and my date that night just looked at each other and at exactly the same time said "what the fuck was that?". It was like an episide of Voyager on LSD. The people 've met who liked it have yet to explain proprly what the movie was about.

I know exactly what you mean. Some of the parts are stylish and cool to watch (the slow-motion music shit is neat), but the film just doesn't make sense.

I tried to figure it out once, I looked it up on Wikipedia. The "explanation" is there, and it's legit, but let me tell you this: after reading it, I know no more about the movie than I had before. It's total nonsense that's impossible to infer from just watching it.

VF5SS · Post by **VF5SS** » 2006-06-16 10:15am

Darth Garden Gnome wrote:upidity to unravel the very fabric of space-time.

The director was very excited to shoo the film in a giant abandoned cement factory.