Letter to the Editor

[Surlethe]

I just today put this letter to the editor together:

Dear Editor:

America's moral fibre is weakening. At the root of this decay, we can place a lack of reverence for the Holy Scriptures; this irreverence, in turn, has led to relaxed punishment, respect for sin, and tolerance of hateful and abominable practices like homosexuality.

I therefore propose that to counter the irreverence inherent in modern society, we the people of the United States demand our Congress honor the foundation of American society – the Bible – in its laws and Constitutional amendments.

We ought to begin by holding punishments to Biblical standards. If a man and woman are caught in adultery, they must be executed. If a child disobeys his parents, or their delegated authority, then he must be stoned. If two men or two women are caught together, they must be killed. This will, in turn, increase discipline in modern society and lead to greater respect for God's laws.

I advocate this not out of some draconian love of stricture, but rather out of profound respect for the integrity of Holy Scripture and all that it represents. The liberals, at all levels of government, want to take away our freedom of religion, and replace it with freedom from religion, thereby denying the very foundation of our national identity: the Bible.

With respect, Neal (like hell I'd reveal my last name on a public message board ... )

Is the satire too obvious? Does anyone have any suggestions for improvements?

[Lagmonster]

I just today put this letter to the editor together:

Is the satire too obvious? Does anyone have any suggestions for improvements?

Satire ought to be obvious in this case, especially if you think about the kind of people who might be reading it. In fact, I thought you took too long to get to the first joke; it honestly reads like you've flipped your melon until you get half-way through.

I suggest that if you're going to do this (and it's been done before), you put in parentheses the actual biblical quote you're referring to with each statement. It helps people who are Christian but have only a passing knowledge of the bible (which is most) look it up and read the horror for themselves.

[Nephtys]

Add stuff like 'abominable practices like homosexuality, eating shellfish, and allowing 'differing opinions'.

Say that we must remember what truely matters, such as an omnipotent god that loves us, but cannot drive out fourty iron chariots from a valley, or a man named Noah, who saved all the african rainforest species, arctic animals, australian outback animals, because (thanks to god, clearly) they were within walking distance of him.

[Ar-Adunakhor]

I agree with giving the chapter and verse the laws derive from in parentheses after the suggestion, but I also think you need to address the fact the Bible is not the foundation of the government. The letter is obviously directed at a fundoid, so he might actually think you are *agreeing* with him on that unless you put in a more blatant sarcastic remark than what you have there already.

With regards to the rest of the satire, I think it is as obvious as it needs to be for a fundie loon to actually notice it. Anything less and they think you are agreeing with them as it zooms over their heads. While that would be funny should he actually *print* it, I doubt that will happen. He will most likely be the only one reading it, therefore you should keep it blatant.

Remember, razor wit and fundie loons don't mix.

[Pezzoni]

Looks good: may I suggest the addition of the sins of wearing mixed fibre clothing, and placing more than one type of plant in your garden?

[Elfdart]

If a child disobeys his parents, or their delegated authority, then he must be stoned.

Sounds like my older brother. When he disobeyed Mom & Dad, he was usually stoned.

On a more serious note, don't be surprised if they turn it down. They get a lot of the "Letter To Dr. Laura" stuff sent in, usually just that letter word for word. Yours is original, but they might decide it's the same kind of thing and reject it.

Worth a try, though.

[Surlethe]

The letter is directed toward (and patterned after) a letter published Tuesday (found here), and I don't want to be too brash since I want it to be published. So, I don't think that I want to make my satire any more obvious.

Dear Editor:

America's moral fibre is weakening. At the root of this decay, we can place a lack of reverence for the Holy Scriptures; this irreverence, in turn, has led to relaxed punishment, respect for sin, and tolerance of hateful and abominable practices like homosexuality.

I therefore propose that to counter the irreverence inherent in modern society, we the people of the United States demand our Congress honor the foundation of American society – the Bible – in its laws and Constitutional amendments.

We ought to begin by holding punishments to Biblical standards. If a man and woman are caught in adultery, they must be executed (Lev. 20:10). If a child disobeys his parents, or their delegated authority, then he must be stoned (Lev. 20:9). If two men or two women are caught together, they must be killed (Lev. 20:13). This will, in turn, increase discipline in modern society and lead to greater respect for God's laws.

I advocate this not out of some draconian love of stricture, but rather out of profound respect for the integrity of Holy Scripture and all that it represents. The liberals, at all levels of government, want to take away our freedom of religion, and replace it with freedom from religion, thereby denying the very foundation of our national identity: the Bible.

With respect, Neal (like hell I'd reveal my last name on a public message board ... )

[Darth Wong]

Good luck getting it published. I've tried sending letters to the editor before, and some of them have gotten published, but I've found that quality of writing has very little to do with it. They choose letters in order to give a certain impression to their audience about what kind of letters they get. They don't necessarily choose the better-written letters. In some cases they choose letters that look like they were written by outright morons. It helps to look at the kind of letters this particular editor has published in the past.

[wautd]

eating shellfish

Out of intrest, what's the punishment for that?

[Faram]

eating shellfish

Out of intrest, what's the punishment for that?

Death in one way or an other, the bad book has only one type of punishment.

[CorSec]

I'm not up on Biblical punishments, but shellfish sounds like it would simply make on "unclean." After a ritual of some kind you are clean again and can return to the community.

[Darth Servo]

You need to be MORE satirical. As it is, it sounds like you're one of Phelp's flunkies.

[Zero]

Include a bit about how some people believe that execution for something like adultery might be seen as a harsh punishment, but that only damned liberals are against the death penalty. And yeah, make it MORE obvious. As is, you sound like a psychotic fundie, but a believable one.

Actually... that's kinda scary...