The Invasion

[Kuja]

Also, Iggy, it's not all just concept. I'm asking for help. SO I don't think you're quite on-track.

My point is, this isn't exactly a fanfic being hijacked.

[haas mark]

Also, Iggy, it's not all just concept. I'm asking for help. SO I don't think you're quite on-track.

My point is, this isn't exactly a fanfic being hijacked.

True, but it is a thread hijacking. And I think this discussion has ended.

[Evil Sadistic Bastard]

Wakarimashita, Zaia-hime.

I am an ignorant fool and know not what this means, but I have a feeling it is sweet, so I thank you for it.

And don't say that...

[Zaia]

Wakarimashita, Zaia-hime

TRANSLATION: I understand, Princess Zaia

aishiteru

TRANSLATION: Love (the more formal way, the informal is just "ai")

Princess? *melts*

Sorry, Ver, trying not to spam--umm, do you know when we're going to get more from you on this story? Not only am I very excited to see !#*&$(#&%*&!@#*&*%( but I also can't wait until @#$*@(#%!! BWAHAHAHAAAAAAH!

Sorry, is that wrong? *halo glimmering*

[Evil Sadistic Bastard]

Wakarimashita, Zaia-hime

TRANSLATION: I understand, Princess Zaia

aishiteru

TRANSLATION: Love (the more formal way, the informal is just "ai")

Princess? *melts*

Sorry, Ver, trying not to spam--umm, do you know when we're going to get more from you on this story? Not only am I very excited to see !#*&$(#&%*&!@#*&*%( but I also can't wait until @#$*@(#%!! BWAHAHAHAAAAAAH!

Sorry, is that wrong? *halo glimmering*

I'll catch you this time, Zaia-hime... *glides underneath to ctahc Zaia*

[Kuja]

Sorry, is that wrong? *halo glimmering*

*begins looking around for the snake that just brushed his ankle*

[haas mark]

Wakarimashita, Zaia-hime

TRANSLATION: I understand, Princess Zaia

aishiteru

TRANSLATION: Love (the more formal way, the informal is just "ai")

Princess? *melts*

Sorry, Ver, trying not to spam--umm, do you know when we're going to get more from you on this story? Not only am I very excited to see !#*&$(#&%*&!@#*&*%( but I also can't wait until @#$*@(#%!! BWAHAHAHAAAAAAH!

Sorry, is that wrong? *halo glimmering*

Hey! No spoilers! You're the only one that knows much of anything about the internal plot, so be quiet! Also, hopefully I'll have the rest of Chapter 1 up by tomorrow night.

[Zaia]

Hey! No spoilers! You're the only one that knows much of anything about the internal plot, so be quiet! Also, hopefully I'll have the rest of Chapter 1 up by tomorrow night.

Oh, shit, I thought we talked about this on the thread, not on IM. Want me to edit my post so no one reads it?

[Evil Sadistic Bastard]

Don't think there's an edit button on this forum...

EDIT: No, apparently there is. Anyway, knowig that a city is going boom is no big deal.

[Zaia]

Well, I edited my post, but it doesn't change the ones who quoted me. Crapola. Sorry, Ver. *winces* It won't happen again.

[haas mark]

Don't think there's an edit button on this forum...

EDIT: No, apparently there is. Anyway, knowig that a city is going boom is no big deal.

Well, ******************************************************. *sigh* Oh, well.

Zaia: Don't worry about it. It's all good.

[Master of Ossus]

Well, I edited my post, but it doesn't change the ones who quoted me. Crapola. Sorry, Ver. *winces* It won't happen again.

[Superman voice] I'll save you! [/Superman voice]

I edited the posts so that there are no spoilers on the thread. I can't neuralyze the people who already read it, but no one else will be able to see.

[Zaia]

Well, I edited my post, but it doesn't change the ones who quoted me. Crapola. Sorry, Ver. *winces* It won't happen again.

[Superman voice] I'll save you! [/Superman voice]

I edited the posts so that there are no spoilers on the thread. I can't neuralyze the people who already read it, but no one else will be able to see.

[girly-girl voice] My hero!! *swoon* [/voice]

Thank you, kind sir. *blows kiss* Next time I'll be sure to watch myself.

[Rob Wilson]

hhm, interesting. you're obviously wanting to put a lot into getting this right (always a good sign) but could i ask you to wein yourself off the Super-short sentences? For these scene setters they work well, but in a longer story they will become distracting very quickly. A short sentence works towards internal pace and is suited towards action and are the literary equivalent to the jump-cut in TV/Movies. No matter how good the drama, could you watch a show that was all jump-cuts? Sub-consciously they act as speed indicators to the reader and a whole story that subconsciously tells them is fast-paced will tire them out before it's finished.

Compare :
"It was early in the morning. People were getting up to go to work. Kelly Antilles and her husband, Jake, and two kids, Mary and Robert, were on their way to San Francisco. They had finally gotten packed, and were on their way out of the Washington, D.C. area. They had left their home at 6:45 in the morning, as to evade traffic. Spring Break had come early this year, and they were going to Kelly's parents' house in California. They were on the highway, traveling at seventy-five miles per hour, when suddenly a car headed the opposite direction suddenly swerved into her lane. She pounded on the brakes in the minivan that she was driving, and skidded sideways, to try to avoid the oncoming car. A Honda Civic hit her from behind when a bright white light enveloped her and her family."

to "It was early in the morning and people were getting up to go to work. Kelly Antilles, her husband Jake, as well as their children, Mary and Robert, were on their way to San Francisco. They had finally gotten packed, and were on their way out of the Washington, D.C. area leaving their home at 6:45 in the morning to avoid traffic. Spring Break had come early this year, and they were going to Kelly's parents' house in California. They were on the highway, traveling at seventy-five miles per hour, when suddenly a car headed the opposite direction suddenly swerved into her lane. Pounding on the brakes of her minivan, Kelly skidded sideways, trying to avoid the oncoming car. It would have worked too, unfortunately the owner of a Honda Civic travelling behind her was late in hitting their own brakes and ploughed striaght into the Minivans rear. In that split second, a bright white light enveloped her and her family."

Admittedly that was changed very quickly so isn't the best that could be done, however it's just too show there is an alternative to the super-short sentences.

Other than that I want to see more.

[haas mark]

Thank you. These short sentences are to produce a sense of brevity. It all happens so quickly, and I wanted to make that clear in the reader's mind. If I have done, that, then I think I have done it well. However, if it seems not to be apparent, I may change it.

Second, this is basically a prologue. I have yet to write most of the rest of this chapter, and hopefully I'll have it done by this weekend. However, I have a bunch of things going on right now, including changing from one room to another (dorm life). So it may be as late as next weekend, though I am trying my hardest to come up with something good.

Third, sentences will not be that short in the future. In fact, I utterly loathe writing short sentences all the time. So don't expect there to be short sentences all the time, because I like to keep my length of sentences nice and longish, but not too long for them to be comprehended.

[EDIT] Fourth, thank you for the input as you have done. It is very rare, it seems, that someone will do input on a story such that they will go so far as to edit or suggest and edit in the story. I thank you for that.

[Rob Wilson]

Thank you. These short sentences are to produce a sense of brevity. It all happens so quickly, and I wanted to make that clear in the reader's mind. If I have done, that, then I think I have done it well. However, if it seems not to be apparent, I may change it.

Use them in your action shots (the crash scene, location/perspective changes), that's why I used the description of them leaving the house as my example. No real need for them there.

[EDIT] Fourth, thank you for the input as you have done. It is very rare, it seems, that someone will do input on a story such that they will go so far as to edit or suggest and edit in the story. I thank you for that.

Force of habit, when I had the time on ASVS I edited peoples Fanfics for them (I'm still listed on the Archive as the Chief Editor). However these days, I don't know when I'm going to post again, so the delays to peoples works waiting to be edited would be unfair on them.

Like tonight, I'm only here for an hour or so, and I had planned to finish off the numerous small (1 or 2 posted Fics/chapters) authors that were on my list. RL is a fucker at the moment *shrug*.

Anyway, as long as you take it as the critique it was offered as and not criticism, it's all too the good. I, hopefully like everyone else that reads Fanfics, wants to see the Authors be the best they can.

[Zaia]

So, when's the next chapter coming, babydoll?

[haas mark]

Well, I WAS planning on having it this weekend, but the shit hit the fan, and you know how THAT goes...