A personal issue

Post by **Zaia** » 2002-12-21 02:04pm

Ok, I'm going to keep this short and simple: one of my guy friends gave me a pair of diamond stud earrings for Christmas last night. He's one of my best friends, so my issue is this: is it possible that he just got them for me because he knows how much I wanted them and not because he wants to jump in the bed with me? I love him very much as a friend, but I could never date him for many reasons I won't get in to here (unless y'all want to know, then I will get into them).

So....

EDIT: Needed to clarify something.

Lord Pounder · Post by **Lord Pounder** » 2002-12-21 02:11pm

You need to cut to the chase and ask him what his angle is. Men are not complex beings all this convoluted yes means no and no means yes just confuses a man. He'll appreciate it if you are homest with him, If he wants a realtionship sure he may be dissapointed but he's be more dissapointed if you shot him down after letting his hopes build up. Trust me i've been in that situation where i liked a friend and she shot me down only after i'd bent double buying her gifts etc.

Post by **Zaia** » 2002-12-21 02:19pm

Darth Pounder wrote:You need to cut to the chase and ask him what his angle is. Men are not complex beings all this convoluted yes means no and no means yes just confuses a man. He'll appreciate it if you are homest with him, If he wants a realtionship sure he may be dissapointed but he's be more dissapointed if you shot him down after letting his hopes build up. Trust me i've been in that situation where i liked a friend and she shot me down only after i'd bent double buying her gifts etc.

We've talked in the past and I've told him that we just aren't compatible that way: for one thing, he's WAY too possessive as just a friend. He got angry with me when I went to Australia for six months because I left him and he needed me then (direct quote). It didn't matter to him that those six months were the best of my life and that I made my first wish come true by going; all he cared about was that I left him behind. *shrug* I just can't ever be with someone so selfish. There are other things too, but that's the main thing. He is still a great friend, but I KNOW he can't ever be more than that and he knows that.

Buying me the earrings was a sweet thing for him to do, but I don't want me accepting them to give him any false ideas, even though I have been perfectly clear about my feeilngs for him.

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2002-12-21 02:21pm

Ouch...the possesive thing is not good.

I dunno...I have a friend who is that way(towards women, other guys...anything really) and accepting a gift from him gives certain implications in his mind about where you stand(honest) so I would say no because seriously the sound of it is not too good honestly.

ArmorPierce · Post by **ArmorPierce** » 2002-12-21 02:26pm

He is trying to see if he can change your mind about you two never being able to date by trying to show you what he would do for you. That's pretty much it.

TrailerParkJawa · Post by **TrailerParkJawa** » 2002-12-21 02:42pm

Are these earings a financial burden? If so, then its a clear indication he wants more than friends.

If they were cheap ones, then it might not be so clear. My best friend is a girl and she loves diamonds. I would only buy her a pair of diamond earings if the burden to me was slight. ie) It is not normal to spend ALOT of money on someone you are not romantically interested in.

My gut instinct tells me he is interested in changing the relationship. But he sounds insecure and needy. Not a good sign for you.

On a side note we went skiing once and she lost her left earing. They were $1000 each. Girls, take them off when you go skiing!

C.S.Strowbridge · Post by **C.S.Strowbridge** » 2002-12-21 03:58pm

You must be direct. Guys are stupid when it comes to this crap. ... Edit that, guys are just stupid.

Also the possesive thing is the first step to stalking. It's definitely a danger sign.

Next of Kin · Post by **Next of Kin** » 2002-12-21 04:08pm

Zaia wrote:Ok, I'm going to keep this short and simple: one of my guy friends gave me a pair of diamond stud earrings for Christmas last night. He's one of my best friends, so my issue is this: is it possible that he just got them for me because he knows how much I wanted them and not because he wants to jump in the bed with me? I love him very much as a friend, but I could never date him for many reasons I won't get in to here (unless y'all want to know, then I will get into them).

So....

EDIT: Needed to clarify something.

Do you know if they're real diamonds? Returning the gift seems harsh but you don't want to lead this person on. Zaia, I have a few female friends who enjoy having a 'sugar daddy' around to buy them gifts and such.

Spanky The Dolphin · Post by **Spanky The Dolphin** » 2002-12-21 04:32pm

I'm with TrailerParkJawa on this. If they were really expensive and took a lot out of him financially, it may be indicative of something more than him wanting to be just friends.

jodathalas · Post by **jodathalas** » 2002-12-21 06:25pm

Ask him what his intentions are relationship wise between you two. If you have told him, it's his fault for still hoping. People like that are kinda scary, too. Is he abusive in any way? Kinda sounds like it. I dont wanna get involved in a personal matter though. Just ask him. I think it would be scarey asking, but methinks it is the best for the both of you. Leading a person on hurts them more than if you tell them no from the beginning. Personal observation as a guy.

Post by **Zaia** » 2002-12-21 08:18pm

TrailerParkJawa wrote:Are these earings a financial burden? If so, then its a clear indication he wants more than friends.

Well, he's a middle school science teacher, but he came into some money unexpectedly.

If they were cheap ones, then it might not be so clear. My best friend is a girl and she loves diamonds. I would only buy her a pair of diamond earings if the burden to me was slight. ie) It is not normal to spend ALOT of money on someone you are not romantically interested in.

I don't know, but I think he probably spent between $250 and $300 on them. So, in the overall range of diamond earrings, they were on the cheap end, but he usually doesn't spend even close to that amount on me.

EDIT: A few more points...

C.S.Strowbridge wrote:You must be direct. Guys are stupid when it comes to this crap. ... Edit that, guys are just stupid.

Also the possesive thing is the first step to stalking. It's definitely a danger sign.

I HAVE told him before, multiple times. I have been clear to the point of hurting his feelings over it, so I know he must understand.

And since he's one of my best friends, I don't really think stalking is an issue.

Next of Kin wrote:Do you know if they're real diamonds? Returning the gift seems harsh but you don't want to lead this person on. Zaia, I have a few female friends who enjoy having a 'sugar daddy' around to buy them gifts and such.

Yes, they are definitely real diamonds. Two other friends were there when I opened them, and I said, "No way these are real!" and he showed the two friends the receipt and their jaws dropped a bit more and they said, "Oh yeah, those are real." So.....yeah. And I'm NOT leading him on--we're friends and he knows that! Oy vey, I don't want a sugar daddy, I just want him and me to stay friends.

jodathalas wrote:Ask him what his intentions are relationship wise between you two. If you have told him, it's his fault for still hoping.

Yes, I have definitely told him, many times.

People like that are kinda scary, too. Is he abusive in any way? Kinda sounds like it.

Not exactly; he's just really, really needy. To the point where it just makes me want to run away that much more. I know I wrote a bit about it before, but he got mad when I lived in Australia for half a year. When I got home, people asked me how my trip was, so I gushed to them about my experiences and he would roll his eyes and say something nasty. So after he did that a few times, I asked him what his problem was, and he wouldn't tell me, so I just dropped him out of my life. I didn't talk to him for four months, and the only reason I started talking to him again was because he called me to say, "What's your problem? Why haven't you called me?" and I got SO mad and told him what an ass he'd been about the Australia thing.

I dont wanna get involved in a personal matter though. Just ask him. I think it would be scarey asking, but methinks it is the best for the both of you. Leading a person on hurts them more than if you tell them no from the beginning. Personal observation as a guy.

I have asked him if he's got feelings for me, and he's said that he doesn't. But I still wonder sometimes because he's very non-confrontational, and one time when he was trashed he tried to kiss me and he told me that he was secretly in love with me. But, he was drunk, so, who knows if it was true or not? *shrug*

The bottom line is that he's my friend, but there's no way for me to date him ever. And if I tried to return the earrings because I thought there was a lot more to them, he'd get really offended. But, should I still try to return them, to make sure that my point is crystal clear that I won't date him? Or do you think I've said it enough and should just enjoy the earrings?

Skelron · Post by **Skelron** » 2002-12-21 08:28pm

Hmm this is a hard one to answer, on the one hand he's spending a lot more than usual. (A Sign that he wants moe than friendship) On the other hand generosity increases the more money you have to spend, even if it's only a temporary amount extra. (Example this year I debated buying my friends christmas presents. We don't normally bother but last year they collectivly got me one. (it was also my 21st Birthday) Normally I have no money near christmass time, but this year I had almost my entire terms Student Loan, getting it 2 weeks before the end of Term. (Yes it was useless then) So I thought about getting them all one. (Something jokey) but gave up. The point is I had more money temporary and so was tempted to spend more) As said therefore ask him.

If he does want more and you tell him there can't be more, it'll hurt him yes, but it's better than having him hope where there isn't any Believe me, I've been there. (Well actually am often in that position me Often end up fancying my Female Friends.)

jodathalas · Post by **jodathalas** » 2002-12-21 08:45pm

I wouldn't keep them. I would feel akward. Just me though.

Drewcifer · Post by **Drewcifer** » 2002-12-21 09:25pm

Zaia wrote:I have asked him if he's got feelings for me, and he's said that he doesn't. But I still wonder sometimes because he's very non-confrontational, and one time when he was trashed he tried to kiss me and he told me that he was secretly in love with me. But, he was drunk, so, who knows if it was true or not? *shrug*

Emphasis mine.

On that basis alone, I would return the earrings. Alcohol lowers people's inhibitions, and someone who is inhibited (read non-confrontational) would be more likely to bare-their-soul under the influence of heavy intoxication.

Zaia wrote:The bottom line is that he's my friend, but there's no way for me to date him ever. And if I tried to return the earrings because I thought there was a lot more to them, he'd get really offended. But, should I still try to return them, to make sure that my point is crystal clear that I won't date him? Or do you think I've said it enough and should just enjoy the earrings?

Wear them in the mirror for a night

but in the long run, you are being a good friend to return something given with in the wrong context.

Too, you would be returning them because you aren't comfortable accepting a gift of that magnitude from someone who is just a friend.

Just be careful, you have made your feelings clear, and yet he seems to still be asking you to break his heart. Sometimes people will try and lead you to pissing them off. Being angry at you for not returning his feelings isn't acceptable, but being angry at you for returning a gift might be acceptable to him.

Kelly Antilles · Post by **Kelly Antilles** » 2002-12-21 11:16pm

Zai, hon... Here's what you do. Take them back to him, tell him you just can't accept such an extravagant gift. You appreciate the gesture, but you just can't accept it. If he goes off then the gift was meant as something more. If not, you haven't done any damage by returning them.

Mark S · Post by **Mark S** » 2002-12-21 11:36pm

My gut tells me he is trying to buy his way into your heart. Keeping the ear rings is telling him he has a shot.

Post by **Zaia** » 2002-12-22 12:55am

Ok, so, I was hoping this thread would just tell me that since he and I are practically best friends, it's a fairly normal thing and that I don't really have anything to worry about.

Right. Didn't happen.

So, now, instead of just being vaguely confused, I feel like shit. If I give the earrings back, that puts our entire friendship in jeopardy (he's extremely sensitive about EVERYTHING), but if I don't, then there's a chance that he might think that I secretly have feelings for him, contrary to anything I've ever told him. Merry fucking Christmas, eh?

I can't figure out if I'd rather punch someone or cry right now.

Kelly Antilles · Post by **Kelly Antilles** » 2002-12-22 01:01am

*hugs* It's ok, Zaia. I really think telling him you can't take an extravagant gift would work. It wouldn't be out of character for you.

Post by **Zaia** » 2002-12-22 01:09am

Kelly Antilles wrote:*hugs* It's ok, Zaia. I really think telling him you can't take an extravagant gift would work. It wouldn't be out of character for you.

But Kel, he gave them to me last night. And when I opened them and realized that they were in fact real, I said exactly that. I said, "You can't possibly expect me to accept these! You're only a teacher, you don't have the money, I don't really need them, they are beautiful but you should spend the money on someone else" and so on, until he said "No, they are yours, I came into some money, it's really fine, you really want them" enough times that I simply gave up. I DID try to give them back because they ARE too nice for me, but he wouldn't take them.

So, at this point, if I said, "I've been thinking about this and I really just can't accept them, but they are beautiful. Thank you for thinking of me" or something, he'll get really, really hurt and things will get messy. But of course now I feel totally shitty because I guess I should have given them back last night, when he gave them to me in the first place.

I hate feeling this way. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do, and I'm not used to that.

Superman · Post by **Superman** » 2002-12-22 01:11am

Right. Give them back. He wants you.

By the way, the girl I am seeing now is having problems with a stalker ex boyfriend. This guy was very possessive or controlling and he still is; at least, he tries to be. DON'T IGNORE these warning signs.

I've confronted him a few times (meaning I have screamed at him) but he doesn't learn (by the way, I am 6'3, weigh 225, and am an officer in the army... This guy is probably 5'9 and weighs about 165, and he still comes around to stalk). Despite the fact that I could easily break this guy like a twig, he just does not get it. We've filed for a restraining order.

Be careful.

Kelly Antilles · Post by **Kelly Antilles** » 2002-12-22 01:16am

Ahhhhhhhh, ok. now I see. Keep them. However, if he tries to use them as leverage on you, remind him you tried to give them back. I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, but sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make an omlet. *hugs* I really wish I had a better solution, but that's all I can tell you. Do take care.

Next of Kin · Post by **Next of Kin** » 2002-12-22 01:24am

Zaia wrote:
So, at this point, if I said, "I've been thinking about this and I really just can't accept them, but they are beautiful. Thank you for thinking of me" or something, he'll get really, really hurt and things will get messy. But of course now I feel totally shitty because I guess I should have given them back last night, when he gave them to me in the first place.

I hate feeling this way. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do, and I'm not used to that.

You and your friend are quite close but you don't want it to go any further. I have, unfortunately, had the bad experience of leading someone on before. She felt very crushed by the experience and I, well, still to this day feel like a heel for the whole mess. My adivce would be to save your friendship with this person and return the present. If he's truly a real friend then he won't disappear. I know my experience isn't quite the same and I've never been offered such an expensive gift from someone before but from what you are saying is that it doesn't feel right...those feelings are hard to get rid of and only grow worse with time.

Post by **Coyote** » 2002-12-22 02:43am

He recently came into some money? Like... lottery? Inheritance? He may just be going on a gift spree. Is he doing this to other friends and family? If so you may be safe, and you can see them as an early Christmas present perhaps.

But if he just got you something nice and extravagant then yes, it is an attempt to buy you out. Maybe you could keep them but only wear them on occassion-- if you wear them all the time he'll feel 'special' or that he's "put his mark on you" or something like that.

Post by **Vympel** » 2002-12-22 03:20am

I would give them back- if I did what he did I would definitely be showing her how much I think of her, maybe unconciously.

A gift for a female friend is ideally something that you know she likes, but isn't too extravagant. $300 is just absurd- that's $600 Australian

Additionally, some questions

- Is he over the whole Australia thing?
- Have you ever been with anyone while you've been friends? If so, what was his reaction?

Cal Wright · Post by **Cal Wright** » 2002-12-22 03:23am

Give them back Zaia. If he tries to make you keep them, keep them. That's how I am. I don't like being in debt to someone, but I also don't mind getting people stuff, or lending them things and not getting something in return. So make it clear how things stand between you two. If he takes the gift back, then fine. If he insists on you keeping them, keep them. Trust me on that last one.

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