Need help wanking 'Star Trek' universe warships

[Sidewinder]

As noted here, I'm considering writing a story set in the world of Darth Fanboy, Falkenhorst, and MKSheppard's 'Unnamed Porno Fanfic'. To give myself some creative freedom, I'm setting the action aboard "new" ships with "new" characters. I need help on designing ships wanked with technology that can be used by the Federation and Klingon militaries-- no hyperdrives, turbolasers, or other technology beyond their capabilities, please.

Here's one example of a mercenary vessel:

MV Lucifer originally served in the [Gong He] Navy as the GGV Houyi, a license-built copy of the Constitution class cruiser made famous as the "hero's sword" of Captain James T. Kirk. While the Federation Starfleet refitted its cruisers for the scientific exploration of distant stars and planets, the Gong He Navy refitted its cruisers for long-range patrols-- military missions, which demanded different mission equipment. Under its Warrior Armament, Naval Kind and the Phaser Enhancement, Nuclear Isotope Surge Projects-- commonly referred to by the acronyms WANK and PENIS-- cruisers received enhanced shield emitters and were fitted for reactive armor plates. The now-redundant navigational deflector was replaced by a heavy PENIS cannon for attacking hardened targets such as underground bunkers, and a second matter/antimatter reaction assembly installed to power the weapon. A wing mounting two impulse engines, resembling a 20th century sports car's spoiler, was fitted between the warp nacelles to improve structural integrity and warp field efficiency. Weighted down by the additional weapons and armor, WANK cruisers were nicknamed "Slow Deathes."

WANK cruisers are also armed with Hedgehogs launching micro-torpedoes to counter fighter swarms.

The WANK cruisers' shuttle bays carry license-built copies of Peregrine class fighters.

I also have ideas to apply WANK modifications to a Galaxy class ship. The saucer section is now a reentry pod for the rapid deployment of land combat forces, equipped with landing gear and anti-gravity generators so it can be reused, and two ramps large enough for main battle tanks and license-built copies of the Principality of Zeon's Dom mobile suits. (I know there aren't any mobile suits in the 'Star Trek' universe, but considering that Fanboy, Falkenhorst, and Shep have made Zeon a major player in the 'Unnamed Porno Fanfic', having a Zeon military without mobile suits is like having a United Federation of Planets without a USS Enterprise.)

Any other ideas?

[Darth Fanboy]

For the record, there are no mobile suits in the Zeon military. It's largely ancient ships such as the D7 "lovingly refitted" to a standard that allows them to compete with modern ships when appropriate tactics are utilized.

[Sidewinder]

For the record, there are no mobile suits in the Zeon military. It's largely ancient ships such as the D7 "lovingly refitted" to a standard that allows them to compete with modern ships when appropriate tactics are utilized.

Can I use Gundams anyway?

[Darth Fanboy]

For the record, there are no mobile suits in the Zeon military. It's largely ancient ships such as the D7 "lovingly refitted" to a standard that allows them to compete with modern ships when appropriate tactics are utilized.

Can I use Gundams anyway?

Several UPF subgroups have been known to utilize mecha in their fiendish plans and schemes. Most Notably Sparky The Propise's clan attempting to use A large Gestalt mecha to attempt a panty raid against the Zeon Forces. Rumors exist of a pirate group calling themselves the "Mecha Maniacs" using robots, and lest we not forget theres always some dumb scientist somewhere.

[Sidewinder]

Thank you.

I intend to use mobile suits as futuristic versions of helicopter gunships-- the Dom can hover, after all-- and to avoid excessively wanking them.

By the way, is there anything else I should know about Zeon, other than

1) It's inhabited by militant feminists-- the only males living there are second-class citizens with explosives devices attached to their testicles to keep them in line

2) It's lead by the Duchess of Zeon (strange, considering that it's a principality's head of state usually has the title of Prince).

3) It's starfleet consists of refitted ex-Klingon vessels with militant feminists names, e.g., Penectomy

when portraying them?

[Darth Fanboy]

I recommend the chapters "The Violation of Miles O'Brien" and "Chronotemporalphasedistortion" as required reading.

-Zeon Women are issued Martini Henry rifiles at the age of 12

-The Principate relies on Federation Sperm Shipments for reproduction, as well as imports a large number of sexual devices. although trade seems to have ceased following the Keiko O'Brien Incident

[Ritterin Sophia]

If you'd like I have a website that better shows the technical data as well as a brief description of the Doms performance.

PS: I'm pretty sure you meant the Rick Dom, basically a Dom refitted with standard thrusters for space use.

[Sidewinder]

I'm pretty sure you meant the Rick Dom, basically a Dom refitted with standard thrusters for space use.

Thank you for the suggestion, but I intend to use the Doms like helicopter gunships, NOT like fighter jets.

[Ritterin Sophia]

How, unless you're taking incredible amounts of artistic license, the MS-09 Dom can only walk, hover in the atmosphere, and barely capable of 'jumps', indeed an MS-05B Zaku I can outdistance a Dom in one of these jumps. But can I suggest using the MS-09F Dom Funf, it has an interchangable leg system allowing it to be converted from ground combat to space combat in a flash. If you're really interested in the Gunship use approuch, I could suggest the use of many of the MS-07H Gouf Flight Variants, specifically the MS-07H8 Gouf Flight Type since it's the most refined version of that particular model. Technically speaking, Mobile Suits aren't capable of sustained flight in the UC-Gundam Universe (Without a transformable mode or specialized equipment) until the League Militaire perfects the mobile suit sized Minovsky Craft Systems (A smaller version of the thing that makes White Base fly) an alternative is BESPA's Beam Rotors for their transformable mobile suits that actually change into gunships, but this is long after the Republic of Zeon has rejoined the Federation and the last Zeon military remnants have been wiped out (Mars Zeon/Oldsmobile Army).

I know it's a joke fan fic, but I'm almost certain (I say almost because from the first four chapters I've read, It had me going 'WTF') you wouldn't have an Executor-class being capable of outmaneuvering a Starfighter in a dogfight...

[Darth Fanboy]

For fuck's sake Schatten. Gundam has absolutely nothing to fucking do with any of this really.

Within UPF, the only thing that the fic has in common with the Anime is the name, and it ends there plain and simple. If sidewinder wants to do a story about a mecha-using group then he can do literally whatever the fuck he wants without any MAHQ whores bleating out stats and specs like sheep.

Sidewinder, another note, The Zeon fleet actually blasted away the Sparky the Porpoise Gestalt mecha by shooting it in the crotch with photon torpedoes. Also, certain fleet commanders and high ranking officers are allowed to hand-pick their crews for maximum efficiency and eye-candy. Run any FINISHED products by me before posting in Fanfics if you would be so kind, Writers Guild not as big of a deal.

[Ritterin Sophia]

WTH I just made a suggestion or two, I just gave him some more information to work with. Secondly, I don't use Gundam Officials Tech Specs since their mecha lists are incomplete.

[Sidewinder]

I've received approval from Darth Fanboy to post the UPF fanfic, and am considering writing a sequel featuring the Gonghe Navy. What ship do you think is an appropriate replacement for the Constitution WANK?

1) A Galaxy class stardrive-- NO SAUCER!-- with a spoiler mounting additional impulse drives and PENIS emitters, additional quantum/photon torpedo launchers and Hedgehog micro-torpedo launchers, reactive armor plates, and a heavy PENIS cannon in place of the navigational deflector.

2) A stretched Akira class ship with a heavy PENIS cannon in place of the navigational deflector, and ZGMF-XX09T DOM Troopers in its hangar.

[DrMckay]

missiles with smaller scale, one-use warp engines capable of travelling at warp speed or greater, the KE impact alone would be massive, even though the missile's size (slightly larger than a photon torpedo,) would lead to less being carried.

[frogcurry]

I demand a previous generation model Honda Accord Type R spoiler.

Your first proposal - the Galaxy class - is much better, simply because people don't usually know off the top of their head what an Akira class looks like,where as the Galaxy class is easily envisioned.

[Sidewinder]

Your first proposal - the Galaxy class - is much better, simply because people don't usually know off the top of their head what an Akira class looks like,where as the Galaxy class is easily envisioned.

I've decided to use a modified Akira class, as the cruisers are meant to be used by a Navy to patrol and defend a nation's territory-- NOT to conduct peaceful exploration. The Akira class is described as a "gunship/battlecruiser/aircraft carrier" by the designer, and is more obviously a warship. (I'd probably spend an entire page describing the modifications necessary to transform a Galaxy class starship into a warship..)

[Coalition]

I've decided to use a modified Akira class, as the cruisers are meant to be used by a Navy to patrol and defend a nation's territory-- NOT to conduct peaceful exploration. The Akira class is described as a "gunship/battlecruiser/aircraft carrier" by the designer, and is more obviously a warship. (I'd probably spend an entire page describing the modifications necessary to transform a Galaxy class starship into a warship..)

Not really. Just say that you have doubled the shield strength/number of emitters, doubled the number of torpedo launchers, added an extra set of phaser strips on the dorsal and ventral sides of the saucer, and gotten rid of the families.

Those basic upgrades would tell most people that the new Galaxy warship is going to be much nastier than before.

[Einhander Sn0m4n]

missiles with smaller scale, one-use warp engines capable of travelling at warp speed or greater, the KE impact alone would be massive, even though the missile's size (slightly larger than a photon torpedo,) would lead to less being carried.

I've come up with that idea already for photorps and quantorps with tiny combined warp/impulse engines, mounted onto small fighters.

Use my Blast Phaser from my Akula Ship thread too, Sidewinder.

[Sidewinder]

missiles with smaller scale, one-use warp engines capable of travelling at warp speed or greater, the KE impact alone would be massive, even though the missile's size (slightly larger than a photon torpedo,) would lead to less being carried.

I've come up with that idea already for photorps and quantorps with tiny combined warp/impulse engines, mounted onto small fighters.

Considering the TNG tech level, limitations on how miniaturized they can make a warp core might restrict the weapons to being giant antiship missiles, like the Kh-22.

Use my Blast Phaser from my Akula Ship thread too, Sidewinder.

Thanks for the suggestion, but the heavy PENIS cannon mounted in place of the navigational deflectors already fulfills this function. (Gonghe ships don't need navigational deflectors-- their upgraded shields can handle kinetic energy that would otherwise break a Starfleet vessel in two. The reason Starfleet doesn't use such shields is because the shield generators are so power hungry, energy use must be carefully rationed, meaning Starfleet personnel must go without use of the holodeck or replicators for uncomfortably long periods of time.)

[Sidewinder]

Here's the christening ceremony for an Akira WANK class heavy cruiser, with a description of the ship:

"To the GGV James T. Kirk. May she serve the Gonghe Republic with courage and honor." Capt Spock (retired) poured a cup of scotch into the dilithium chamber, a ceremonial drink for the ship's spirit, before closing the hatch. Gonghe government officials and military service members clapped, celebrating the christening of the Navy's newest heavy cruiser, as an orderly refilled the cup. "Thank you." Spock took the scotch bottle, surprising the orderly. The Vulcan drained the cup as he followed the visiting officials to the bridge.

"The James T. Kirk is a Li Xiaolong class heavy cruiser. It is 555 meters long and weights 3,700,000 tons," a Navy lieutenant junior grade stated. "Based on the Akira class that served with distinction in the Dominion War, the design was lengthened to accommodate a heavy PENIS cannon and its power source, a matter/antimatter reaction assembly. In addition, the James T. Kirk is armed with seven forward firing and one rear firing torpedo launchers, eight Hedgehog micro-torpedo salvo systems, eight pulse PENIS cannons in twin-gun turrets, and eight PENIS emitters. The hangar accommodates..."

Spock noticed the ship's dedication plaque. "I don't believe in the no-win scenario." The quote aroused an unfamiliar emotion. 'Nostalgia.' The Vulcan remembered the USS Enterprise's first five-year mission of exploration, when he and other officers aboard the ship were honored as heroes for fighting off the "evil masks"-- later identified as the Breen-- who attacked the Gonghe capital.

Li Xiaolong is the Chinese stage name of Bruce Lee. The quote on the dedication plaque came from 'The Wrath of Khan'.

You may notice that the James T. Kirk has fewer full-sized torpedo launchers than the standard Akira class heavy cruiser. I found the locations of the torpedo launchers here, deleted three of the rear firing launchers, and replaced the side-firing launchers with pulse phaser cannon variants.

The Galaxy WANK class will be used by a trigger-happy Starfleet captain with contacts in Section 31, although it lacks a Gonghe Navy ship's Phaser Enhancement, Nuclear Isotope Surge (PENIS) cannons because such weapons also emit delta rays-- their useage is considered inhumane by the Federation.

[Sidewinder]

Writing another 'Unnamed Porno Fanfic' fanfic dealing with a civil war within the Federation, but unlike Rebellion in Paradise, this civil war is little better than a one-sided beatdown because one side is led by Spock, who actually uses his brain-- the other side is led by the idiots who sent hate mail to Darth Wong.

WAR! WITH SPOCK'S ELECTION AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED FEDERATION OF PLANETS, MEMBERS OF THE "NEW HUMANS" POLITICAL MOVEMENT ATTEMPTED TO ASSASSINATE THE NEWLY-ELECTED PRESIDENT TO PREVENT SPOCK FROM REESTABLISHING A CAPITALISTIC MARKET ECONOMY-- AN ATTEMPT THAT FAILED BECAUSE THE WOULD-BE ASSASSIN REVEALED HIMSELF TO SPOCK FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT AS HE SHOUTED, "DIE!" ALLOWING SPOCK'S BODYGUARDS TO KICK HIS ASS BEFORE HE PRESSED THE FIRING BUTTON.

DECLARING A STATE OF EMERGENCY AND MOBILIZING STARFLEET, SPOCK IS DETERMINED TO PROMOTE HIS ECONOMIC REFORMS DESPITE THE OPPOSITION OF THE NEW HUMANS, WHO HAVE SECEDED FROM THE FEDERATION TO FORM A COMMUNIST STATE LOYAL TO THE TEACHINGS OF KARL MARX.

THERE ARE HEROES ON BOTH SIDES-- ACTUALLY, ONE SIDE HAS WAR HEROES, THE OTHER SIDE WANTS HEROES BUT DENOUNCES ITS OWN WAR HEROES AS "ACTING AGAINST THE IDEALS OF THE FEDERATION." EVIL IS EVERYWHERE-- ACTUALLY, ONE SIDE IS JUST PRO-BUSINESS, THE OTHER SIDE DENOUNCES PROFIT AS AN "EVIL OF CAPITALISM."

IN A STUNNING MOVE, THE LEADER OF THE NEW HUMANS' ELITE REDSHIRTS, COLONEL DANIEL RODGERS, HAS TRANSPORTED INTO THE PRESIDENTIAL OFFICE AND KIDNAPPED SPOCK-- ACTUALLY, POOR INTELLIGENCE GOT RODGERS' ASS KICKED LIGHT-YEARS FROM EARTH. SPOCK WAS NEGOTIATING WITH THE DUCHESS OF ZEON AT THE PALACE OF THE AMAZONS AS STARFLEET, REESTABLISHED AS A MILITARY ORGANIZATION TO DEFEND THE FEDERATION, BOMBED THE SHIT OUT OF RODGERS AND HIS REDSHIRTS.

AS THE REDSHIRT ASSAULT SHIP LIMPS AWAY FROM THE SOLAR SYSTEM, THE NEW HUMANS DESPERATELY TRY TO WIN RESPECT BY NAMING FLEET ADMIRAL GENE RODDENBERRY (RETIRED) AS THEIR LEADER...

Besides Rick Berman and Brannon Braga-- who appear as a Fleet Admiral and Admiral in the New Human forces-- is there anyone else you want to see on the idiots' side?

I'm also willing to accept ideas for the crossover cameos-- I already have Mace Windu appear under the alias "Jules Winnfield" in the first story, gave Sailor Uranus a cameo as a tactical officer aboard the USS Musashi, and had a Starfleet officer pilot a Gelgoog in combat against the Borg.