A personal issue

[InnerBrat]

Hi Zaia,
I reckon you should keep them, now. You tried to give them back, he refused. Assuming they're pierced, it's not as if he can get his money back on them or anything. He'd just be suck with a pair of expensive earrings and nothing to do with them.

You've told him where he stands on multiple occasions, and that's his problem now, and if he wants to spend his money on you, let him. If you keep eating yourself up over your relationship with him it won't do either of you any good.

[Zaia]

Ahhhhhhhh, ok. now I see. Keep them. However, if he tries to use them as leverage on you, remind him you tried to give them back. I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, but sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make an omlet. *hugs* I really wish I had a better solution, but that's all I can tell you. Do take care.

Thanks, sweetheart, I appreciate your help. *hugs*

You and your friend are quite close but you don't want it to go any further. I have, unfortunately, had the bad experience of leading someone on before. She felt very crushed by the experience and I, well, still to this day feel like a heel for the whole mess. My adivce would be to save your friendship with this person and return the present. If he's truly a real friend then he won't disappear.

We are close, but does it count as leading him on if I've told him scores of times that I will never have feelings for him? We've had about five serious discussions about this. Am I still leading him on if I accept the earrings? I don't think so, but I can't see it from the guy's perspective on this.

He recently came into some money? Like... lottery? Inheritance? He may just be going on a gift spree. Is he doing this to other friends and family? If so you may be safe, and you can see them as an early Christmas present perhaps.

Don't know--he gave me my present early because a group of us went to the ballet that night, and he thought I'd want to wear them. He hasn't given anyone else a present yet, but I know he's going to. And he came into money because he got a bunch back from his escrow account. I'm not sure exactly how much, but he said "plenty." And apparently he wasn't expecting it (or that much, anyway), so that's why he kept saying that he unexpectedly came into some money. *shrug*

Additionally, some questions

- Is he over the whole Australia thing?
- Have you ever been with anyone while you've been friends? If so, what was his reaction?

If you mean is he over the fact that I went and had fun without him, I think yes he is, mostly. I am the one who isn't over his reaction to it. We discussed what an ass he'd been only a couple months ago (I went to Australia in 2000), and he said he felt like an idiot for acting that way but that he had felt betrayed that I had left to have fun without him, or something stupid like that. So, I told him that I was living my life for me, not him, and that it's too bad if he has a problem with that, because I'm probably moving back soon.

I've sort of dated people a bit, but nothing serious. He tends to get jealous, but he gets jealous of other people too.

So make it clear how things stand between you two. If he takes the gift back, then fine. If he insists on you keeping them, keep them. Trust me on that last one.

I have made it extrodinarily clear, and I did try to give them back (I wrote a longer post about this last time, if you want to scroll back to read it). He insisted that I keep them, so I'm going to. It would cause way too much trouble to give them back when he's only trying to do something sweet, and since I've been painfully clear in the past about my feelings (or lack thereof) for him, I don't think that will be leading him on.

You've told him where he stands on multiple occasions, and that's his problem now, and if he wants to spend his money on you, let him. If you keep eating yourself up over your relationship with him it won't do either of you any good.

Thanks. I'm trying not to let this get to me, but it is hard, since he is a very good friend of mine. Anyway, thanks for your help and support, babe.

[macman]

We've talked in the past and I've told him that we just aren't compatible that way: for one thing, he's WAY too possessive as just a friend. He got angry with me when I went to Australia for six months because I left him and he needed me then (direct quote). It didn't matter to him that those six months were the best of my life and that I made my first wish come true by going; all he cared about was that I left him behind. *shrug* I just can't ever be with someone so selfish. There are other things too, but that's the main thing. He is still a great friend, but I KNOW he can't ever be more than that and he knows that.

Buying me the earrings was a sweet thing for him to do, but I don't want me accepting them to give him any false ideas, even though I have been perfectly clear about my feeilngs for him.

Just adding my 2 cents....anybody who is so self centered that he couldn't be happy for you and all he worried about was himself is not good friend material..I would be very careful..It seems the only person he cares about is himself..I have learned the hard way to set boundaries in my relationships so it is clear beyond a doubt my intentions..if you have worn the earrings so he can not return them I suppose I would keep them but he may very well use them as leverage later againt you and I personally would not let him...good luck

[Kuja]

Don't know--he gave me my present early because a group of us went to the ballet that night, and he thought I'd want to wear them. He hasn't given anyone else a present yet, but I know he's going to. And he came into money because he got a bunch back from his escrow account. I'm not sure exactly how much, but he said "plenty." And apparently he wasn't expecting it (or that much, anyway), so that's why he kept saying that he unexpectedly came into some money. *shrug*

This should be setting alarm bells off, hon. Now, keep in mind what I'm about to say is me trying to get into this guy's mindset.

1. He bought you these before he bought anything else for friends/family. That ALONE should tell you something.
2. He gave them to you early, on an outing with friends, no less. If I were him, I'd do that becuase I'd want my girl to wear them as a sign of her accepting me. BIG thing there.

This guy DEFINATELY hasn't gotten the message about you not wanting to date him.

[data_link]

I think that everything about what this guy is thinking has been said here. As for what you should do, here's my advice: SELL THEM. By doing this, you accomplish two things:

1. You send a crystal clear message that you are NOT interested in dating him, and that his gift was inappropriate.

2. You come into posession of $300 that you can spend on whatever the hell you want.

[Next of Kin]

We are close, but does it count as leading him on if I've told him scores of times that I will never have feelings for him? We've had about five serious discussions about this. Am I still leading him on if I accept the earrings? I don't think so, but I can't see it from the guy's perspective on this.

You could return them and give the money to charity...

[Scorpius]

Hi Zaia,

Most people have said what needs to be said here. Just one thing more and an opinion from someone who was on the opposite side (ie his): Valentine's is less than two months away- Christmas is just a trial run to see if you will accept a more-than friend present (let's be honest: he's heard you but he's not listening...) If this isn't resolved now it'll be that much more problematic on Feb 14, when the big present arrives (you know he's planning that don't you?)

If he doesn't listen, you may have to cut him off as a friend. As long as you hang out with him he'll think you like him and that he has a shot if only you'll "wake up" and see what you're missing (blame those shitty John Hughes movies in the 80's.) Guys like him think this way: He's thinking he just has to hang in there and eventually you'll see it too.

Evidence:
-possessive behaviour
-drunken confession
-extravagant gifts
-continuing on after being told no.

Then again, I don't know you, or him and this is one person's opinion.

Another thing: if it does go bad, your decision to hang on to the gift will be used against you- count on it.

Honestly, Good Luck...

[Zaia]

Just adding my 2 cents....anybody who is so self centered that he couldn't be happy for you and all he worried about was himself is not good friend material..I would be very careful..It seems the only person he cares about is himself..I have learned the hard way to set boundaries in my relationships so it is clear beyond a doubt my intentions..

I don't confide in him the way I used to (he and I have been friends for about 11 years); after the Australia incident, I simply don't feel close to him. I still refer to him as a very good friend because we have known each other for a long time and we hang out a lot with the rest of my crew (including a guy named Bryan, among others, who I posted a thread about a couple weeks ago, if any of you remember). Yes, he is very possessive and selfish. I didn't know that before the Australia thing, but I do now. And I have been PAINFULLY clear about the way I feel about him. Without completely breaking our friendship, there is no way for me to distance myself further from him than I already am.

if you have worn the earrings so he can not return them I suppose I would keep them but he may very well use them as leverage later againt you and I personally would not let him...good luck

The night he gave them to me, our whole group was on the way to the ballet, and he specifically gave them to me that night so I could wear them. He started to use them as leverage tonight when we watched FotR (for him it was the first time he'd seen it, and HE DIDN'T LIKE IT!!!)--he said something that made the warning bells start to ring, and I got some attitude and began to say, "If you think these earrings entitle you to run my life, you can have them back," but I only got the first five words or so out before he said, "No, no, no, that's not what I meant at all!" So...we shall see.

This should be setting alarm bells off, hon. Now, keep in mind what I'm about to say is me trying to get into this guy's mindset.
1. He bought you these before he bought anything else for friends/family. That ALONE should tell you something.

Well, he had already bought his dad a DVD player, which was probably about as expensive as my earrings....? And I don't know what he's gotten for anyone else. It's possible he did spend a whole bunch on them; I don't know.

2. He gave them to you early, on an outing with friends, no less. If I were him, I'd do that becuase I'd want my girl to wear them as a sign of her accepting me. BIG thing there.

Hmmmm. Does it help at all that all the friends know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will never go out with him?

This guy DEFINATELY hasn't gotten the message about you not wanting to date him.

I was afraid of that.

I think that everything about what this guy is thinking has been said here. As for what you should do, here's my advice: SELL THEM. By doing this, you accomplish two things:
1. You send a crystal clear message that you are NOT interested in dating him, and that his gift was inappropriate.
2. You come into posession of $300 that you can spend on whatever the hell you want.

Hmmmmmmm, potentially very good idea. That could work....I'd be a bit sad, because I really do want them very badly, but I don't want the baggage that goes along with them.

You could return them and give the money to charity...

*chuckle* You know, it will probably make you naseous, but at one time, I was such a goody-goody that I would have done that without hesitation. And although I could use an extra $300, I would feel pretty damn good if I did that....I just might think about that...seriously.

Then again, it'd make a lovely addition to my get-the-hell-back-to-Australia fund.

If this isn't resolved now it'll be that much more problematic on Feb 14, when the big present arrives (you know he's planning that don't you?)

Hi, Scorpius.

Errrr, please don't tell me you think he's going to propose. First of all, I HATE Valentine's Day. Second of all, he's already asked me (not really, but he's done the 'if we're both X years old and we're not married, why don't we marry each other?' and I've said, "Hell no, I will not be some consolation prize. I'd rather grow old alone than marry someone for the hell of it."). And thirdly, I'VE ONLY MENTIONED HOW WE COULD NEVER GO OUT ABOUT 235087023948023984 TIMES TO HIM! IF HE ASKS ME TO MARRY HIM, HE'S GOT IT COMING TO HIM FOR SIMPLY NOT PAYING ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and in case you're interested, he mentioned today that he got back about $650 from his escrow account. I don't know that he spent $250-$300 on my earrings; I was just guessing from the size (since the tiny ones are $100).

[Scorpius]

Without completely breaking our friendship, there is no way for me to distance myself further from him than I already am.

You may have to...

He started to use them as leverage tonight when we watched FotR

He's testing for boundaries. That should tell you what the gift means to him and what it means if you keep them.

Hmmmm. Does it help at all that all the friends know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will never go out with him?

Nope. Because if you start seeing him they'll have to accept that.

Errrr, please don't tell me you think he's going to propose.

No he doesn't have the guts to do that openly (drunken confession, let's get married if X years old- he's doing stuff that doesn't provoke you to get rid of him completely if it backfires. And if it works he wins...the very definition of a "can't lose" position)

By Feb 14 I meant that that's a day that can be used for a lot of romantic leverage (especially if you are single) You hate Valentine's Day? Well, he'll think that's because you're not in love and are bitter about the day. Once you love him everything will be alright won't it? If you're not seeing anyone else he'll suggest the casual "dinner and a movie" because "we're not seeing anyone else right now," there'll be another "friendly present" (which he can't hide as a Christmas present only) and you'll be right back where you are right now.

he mentioned today that he got back about $650 from his escrow account. I don't know that he spent $250-$300 on my earrings; I was just guessing from the size (since the tiny ones are $100).

That doesn't matter: Money is money, especially if he doesn't earn a lot. Just because the source was something he wasn't counting on (if that's the truth) it's still a lot of money for a "friend's" present.

My advice: give him back the earrings now, before Christmas explaining to him that you can't accept it. Tell him the truth about why. Clearly explain that if he wants to be friends there can't be any of these head games about possible future romance. If he really wants to be friends he'll try...But my thoughts are he'll probably be mad and blame you for making him feel this way (which is, of course, manipulative garbage to make you feel bad)

And here's the big one: be ready to cut him loose as a friend if (my opinion is when) he walks over the line.

One other thing: Selling/exchanging the earrings will be considered a BIG slap in his face (worse than just giving them back to him). If you want any chance at saving the friendship this will definitely kill it and he'll take it as a personal insult. Your best bet is to give them back to him.

Again, this is only one guy's opinion...

[Darth Wong]

Chris Rock once joked that for women, a platonic male friend is a boyfriend under glass: "in case of emergency, break glass". This may be what he's thinking (ie- biding his time, even though you say you're not interested).

[Vympel]

Chris Rock once joked that for women, a platonic male friend is a boyfriend under glass: "in case of emergency, break glass". This may be what he's thinking (ie- biding his time, even though you say you're not interested).

That's pretty sad- waiting for a moment of weakness to get it on. It seems quite common though.

[Lagmonster]

Second Token Older Guy opinion:

He wants you. Really. That being said, there's nothing wrong with keeping the gift. Think of them as a gift from a friend. If he uses them as leverage later, you have every right to get mad at him.

I knew a guy who stayed friends with a gorgeous woman because he thought he might be with her eventually as a lover. Never happened. He spent many a night being possessive and lonely and, worst of all, lavished time and money on her and NEVER looked to the other women who wanted to date him, because he refused to love others for fear that the moment he hooked up with someone, he wouldn't be single if his prime target became 'available'.

[InnerBrat]

He wants you. Really. That being said, there's nothing wrong with keeping the gift. Think of them as a gift from a friend. If he uses them as leverage later, you have every right to get mad at him.

I totally agree, here. If he wants to give presents to a girl who's never going to fancy him, that's his problem.

Again, you can't return earrings to the shop. If you give them back, he really will have wasted his money.

[Scorpius]

Again, you can't return earrings to the shop. If you give them back, he really will have wasted his money.

I don't think the issue is about him getting his money back (he can't at this point - he made sure of that by having her wear them.) If the earrings were really JUST a gift, then if wouldn't matter what Zaia does with them does it?

If Zaia wants to keep them then there's nothing morally wrong with that in my opinion...However, whathisname is going to assume that means something and when she straightens him out the earrings will come up as an issue. The only way to avoid that is if she gives them back. Why give him more leverage to make her feel bad?

And maybe a waste of his money will teach him a lesson he needs to learn...

[Andrew J.]

Since it's already been pretty much agreed upon that this guy is trying to convince you to date him, we should now figure out how to get him to stop. I have developed this foolproof, can't-fail, two-step plan.

1. Tell him, right to his face, that you're on to his little game and that it's not going to work. Reiterate the fact that you'll never go out with him.

2. Kick him in the balls.

Now, this may ruin your friendship forever and cause eternal emnity between the two of you, but to be honest, I don't really care that much.

[Mark S]

Since it's already been pretty much agreed upon that this guy is trying to convince you to date him, we should now figure out how to get him to stop. I have developed this foolproof, can't-fail, two-step plan.

1. Tell him, right to his face, that you're on to his little game and that it's not going to work. Reiterate the fact that you'll never go out with him.

2. Kick him in the balls.

Now, this may ruin your friendship forever and cause eternal emnity between the two of you, but to be honest, I don't really care that much.

You know, that just might be crazy enough to work!!!

[Ted]

I suppose you've had that done against you Mark? Nat a consolation prize then?

[Mark S]

I suppose you've had that done against you Mark? Nat a consolation prize then?

No. And don't start spreading rumors or I WILL get kicked in the balls. (There needs to be a smiley for excrutiating, cracked nuts, pain)

[Ted]

That there should be.

So no experience with girls like Zaia's then?

[Evil Sadistic Bastard]

Ok, I'm going to keep this short and simple: one of my guy friends gave me a pair of diamond stud earrings for Christmas last night. He's one of my best friends, so my issue is this: is it possible that he just got them for me because he knows how much I wanted them and not because he wants to jump in the bed with me? I love him very much as a friend, but I could never date him for many reasons I won't get in to here (unless y'all want to know, then I will get into them).

So....

EDIT: Needed to clarify something.

He could have gotten them because he likes you very much. However much men think with their glans there are some times where they might just show a little altruistic generosity and give something to you "just because". Hell, if I had a girl I liked, I wouldn't need any good reason to send a box of chocs or a necklace her way.

Don't read too much into it, Zaia... He obviously likes you, and that's propbably his way of showing it.

[Durandal]

As someone who was/is in his situation, he definitely wants you, and he's basically trying to buy you out. Doing it in front of the group and all that, he figured that you couldn't refuse the gift and would have to wear them, and he thought that that opportunity would give you a chance to warm up to him. He hasn't gotten the message; I can guarantee you that. Has he ever really dated anyone else seriously, meaning something longer than a few months? My money would be on no, since he probably compares every girl he meets to you, and with that mentality, they, of course, never meet or surpass the benchmark.

To be frank, he just doesn't get it. You have to break it down in very simple words for him, something like, "You either want to be in my life as a friend, or you don't want to be in my life at all." That should pretty much say what needs be said.

[Zaia]

Since it's already been pretty much agreed upon that this guy is trying to convince you to date him, we should now figure out how to get him to stop. I have developed this foolproof, can't-fail, two-step plan.
1. Tell him, right to his face, that you're on to his little game and that it's not going to work. Reiterate the fact that you'll never go out with him.

*salutes* Will do.

2. Kick him in the balls.

Um, that I'm not so sure about. I can't really see me doing that to any guy, unless I'm defending myself against being raped and/or murdered. Sorry.

Now, this may ruin your friendship forever and cause eternal emnity between the two of you, but to be honest, I don't really care that much.

Err, thanks? I sort of do care, and I'd rather not toss it to the trash just yet anyway. More than likely I'm going to be moving to Australia in a year or so, so that will pretty much squelch any plans he may have for me. Bwahahah, yes, I am going to live my own life!

He wants you. Really. That being said, there's nothing wrong with keeping the gift. Think of them as a gift from a friend. If he uses them as leverage later, you have every right to get mad at him.

Thank you, I'm trying to do just that. And if he does try to use them as leverage, you know the first thing I'll do is toss them right back at him and tell him to shove them up his ass. Fuck that. No one can buy me.

If Zaia wants to keep them then there's nothing morally wrong with that in my opinion...However, whathisname is going to assume that means something and when she straightens him out the earrings will come up as an issue. The only way to avoid that is if she gives them back. Why give him more leverage to make her feel bad?

I did try to give them back, when he gave them to me, but he wouldn't have it, so I'm going to keep them. He started to use them as leverage last night, and I nipped it in the bud. If he says anything about them ever again, I'm going to throw them in his face. The end.

Hell, if I had a girl I liked, I wouldn't need any good reason to send a box of chocs or a necklace her way.
Don't read too much into it, Zaia... He obviously likes you, and that's propbably his way of showing it.

First of all, hi, baby!! Good to see you back!!! *hugs*

Anyway--yes, he does like me; he's a friend of mine. That's sort of understood already. The part I have an issue with is that a pair of diamond earrings isn't on the same scale as a box of chocolates, you know?

As someone who was/is in his situation, he definitely wants you, and he's basically trying to buy you out. Doing it in front of the group and all that, he figured that you couldn't refuse the gift and would have to wear them, and he thought that that opportunity would give you a chance to warm up to him. He hasn't gotten the message; I can guarantee you that.

Hmmm, I suppose. I just wish there was a way for me to get my message across without being extremely rude to him, you know? I do care about him; just not the way he apparently wants me to.

Has he ever really dated anyone else seriously, meaning something longer than a few months? My money would be on no, since he probably compares every girl he meets to you, and with that mentality, they, of course, never meet or surpass the benchmark.

Yes, but that was a while ago. Like, 5 years ago, I think?

To be frank, he just doesn't get it. You have to break it down in very simple words for him, something like, "You either want to be in my life as a friend, or you don't want to be in my life at all." That should pretty much say what needs be said.

I think you're right. It's going to be difficult, but it has to be done.

[Durandal]

Hmmm, I suppose. I just wish there was a way for me to get my message across without being extremely rude to him, you know? I do care about him; just not the way he apparently wants me to.

You have to be extremely careful of what you say to him and how you say it. You need to smash out every last hope of a relationship, but you can't do it with a hammer, if you get my meaning.

Also, you need to ask yourself if you've been dropping anything that might be considered a hint toward him. Things that you may take as innocent and purely friendly he can take as advances, and probably will.

Yes, but that was a while ago. Like, 5 years ago, I think?

Then I seriously doubt that those diamond earings are platonic in any way. For that matter, how old is this guy? If he's a middle school teacher, I'm guessing he's in his mid-twenties or older.

Oh, and another Chris Rock quote: "Men don't have women who are 'friends.' We have 'women we haven't fucked yet'." The part he forgot to add was, "... women we haven't fucked yet, and probably never will."

[Next of Kin]

*chuckle* You know, it will probably make you naseous, but at one time, I was such a goody-goody that I would have done that without hesitation. And although I could use an extra $300, I would feel pretty damn good if I did that....I just might think about that...seriously.

Then again, it'd make a lovely addition to my get-the-hell-back-to-Australia fund.

You know, I've heard that the Zaia foundation is quite the charity . It's cool that you would consider giving your gift for a worthy cause (which ever cause that may be!). No, that doesn't make me feel nauseasted!

[Marla Singer]

Hmmm, I suppose. I just wish there was a way for me to get my message across without being extremely rude to him, you know? I do care about him; just not the way he apparently wants me to.

He got you diamond earrings for Christmas. Who do you think you're kidding? I think you've been leading him on the whole time honey. Bet you told him you care about him as a friend, you like spending time with him, don't want to lose his friendship...

BULLSHIT!

You love the attention that desperate dick-head showers you with, and how sexy it makes you feel to be adored by this poor wretch who doesn't stand a chance in hell but you keep him around under the guise of friendship because your self-esteem requires it, oh, and the gifts aren't too shabby either. How did he know you wanted those earrings? YOU DROPPED THE HINT. I think he's entitled to a hand-job in the very least.

And the rest of you reading this know I'm right.