Jesus Vs...

Post by **NecronLord** » 2002-12-23 02:24pm

In response to the fundies moaning about the resurrection of Gandalf I present this religious vs.

Jesus 'Christ' AKA 'the messiah' (With any powers he has in the bible)

Vs

Durin's Bane AKA 'A balrog' AKA 'Big nasty firey thingy'

Note, as the bible has jesus come back wounds and all, decapitation and or incineration will kill him permantley.

Ender · Post by **Ender** » 2002-12-23 02:26pm

All biblical powers? Ok, Jesus wins. He can kill with a word, and did it to a date tree because it didn't have any fruit. So balrog charges at him, he tells it to die, balrog drops dead the end.

Post by **NecronLord** » 2002-12-23 02:28pm

Ender wrote:All biblical powers? Ok, Jesus wins. He can kill with a word, and did it to a date tree because it didn't have any fruit. So balrog charges at him, he tells it to die, balrog drops dead the end.

Where is that?

Ender · Post by **Ender** » 2002-12-23 02:40pm

In one of the gospels. It's not like I have the fuckers memorized of anything, I just remember it because of the huge conflict in saying vs doing it presents. "Don't killl.... DIE TREE!"

Post by **NecronLord** » 2002-12-23 02:42pm

Mk.11:13-14, 20-21
"And seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves, he came, if haply he might find any thing thereon: and when he came to it, he found nothing but leaves; for the time And Jesus answered and said unto it, No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever. And his disciples heard it. And in the morning, as they passed by, they saw the fig tree dried up from the roots. And Peter calling to remembrance saith unto him, Master, behold, the fig tree which thou cursedst is withered away."

He's still toast. It takes a day to work. (skeptic's annotated bible is great

)

Evil Sadistic Bastard · Post by **Evil Sadistic Bastard** » 2002-12-23 02:45pm

Another thing... just because Jesus can shrivel a date tree in a day's time doesn't mean that he can instantly shrivel a balor... WHich means that Jesus will be smeared all over the sidewalk like an overripe pumpkin dropped from 22 stories up.

Post by **NecronLord** » 2002-12-23 02:54pm

Evil Sadistic Bastard wrote:Another thing... just because Jesus can shrivel a date tree in a day's time doesn't mean that he can instantly shrivel a balor... WHich means that Jesus will be smeared all over the sidewalk like an overripe pumpkin dropped from 22 stories up.

Technically he only dried the tree out....

*Watches the balrog laugh in Jesus' face at the drying out effect*

Skelron · Post by **Skelron** » 2002-12-23 02:59pm

Well technically if he has all Biblical powers then he''s the Son of GOD, and God itself so erm Jesus wins... (Kinda hard to beat GOD a Balrog is good but not that good...)

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2002-12-23 03:05pm

Jesus died of exposure. The Balrog would slaughter him

Post by **NecronLord** » 2002-12-23 03:12pm

Skelron wrote:Well technically if he has all Biblical powers then he''s the Son of GOD, and God itself so erm Jesus wins... (Kinda hard to beat GOD a Balrog is good but not that good...)

Jehovah can't stop Iorn Chariots.

Jg.1:19
"And the Lord was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron."

Similarly I made no mention of Jehovah in this. he isn't there. If you want I could do Eru(middle earth's god) Vs Jehovah...

Pastor Andy · Post by **Pastor Andy** » 2002-12-23 04:43pm

Jesus 'Christ' AKA 'the messiah' (With any powers he has in the bible)

Pre-resurrection or post?

Pre-resurrection, his exercise of deity was limited less-dramatic miracles (i.e. various and sundry healings, food multiplication, matter transmutation) with the exception of resuscitations (most notably Lazarus).

Post-resurrection, Christ exhibited more powerful attributes of deity, such as teleportation, walking through walls, and levitation.

Ultimately, the argument hinges on the supposition of the divinity of Christ. If He is divine, then it's no contest. If He's "just a good man," then it's still no contest...just in the other direction.

Sir Sirius · Post by **Sir Sirius** » 2002-12-23 05:15pm

I think the Balrog will have roasted Jesus for supper.

Darth Garden Gnome · Post by **Darth Garden Gnome** » 2002-12-23 05:23pm

Balrog: ANything you can do I can do better! I can dfo anything better than you!

Jesus: No you can't, and I'll prove it! *curses balrog*

Balrog: *lips chap* Yes I can! *holds Jesus over a molten pit until he dries out*

Yogi · Post by **Yogi** » 2002-12-23 06:48pm

Revalation of John Jesus: Jusus rips out the Balrog's asshole and uses it as a chariot wheel.

Any other version of Jesus: Balrog feasts on man-flesh.

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2002-12-23 08:58pm

if we are talking the biblicial jesus, he sends the balrog back to the pit. it's his pasttime, dispelling demons.

if we are talking the skeptical view of jesus, what can one man do against an ancient world monster?

HemlockGrey · Post by **HemlockGrey** » 2002-12-23 09:00pm

In one of the gospels. It's not like I have the fuckers memorized of anything, I just remember it because of the huge conflict in saying vs doing it presents. "Don't killl.... DIE TREE!"

He did it to prove a point. There's a difference between murdering sentients and killing a tree.

Post by **NecronLord** » 2002-12-24 04:41am

Yogi wrote:Revalation of John Jesus: Jusus rips out the Balrog's asshole and uses it as a chariot wheel.

Any other version of Jesus: Balrog feasts on man-flesh.

Meh he was never supposed to do have done that. Merely that he's going to do it...

Other version it is.

Post by **NecronLord** » 2002-12-24 04:57am

HemlockGrey wrote:
In one of the gospels. It's not like I have the fuckers memorized of anything, I just remember it because of the huge conflict in saying vs doing it presents. "Don't killl.... DIE TREE!"
He did it to prove a point. There's a difference between murdering sentients and killing a tree.

Next up Jesus Vs Fangorn.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2002-12-24 09:44am

So what if Jesus can kill a tree? I can do that with a bottle of Round-Up!

It hardly means he can take down a man with a gun, never mind any typical sci-fi opponent.

Robert Treder · Post by **Robert Treder** » 2002-12-25 02:45am

Enforcer Talen wrote:if we are talking the biblicial jesus, he sends the balrog back to the pit. it's his pasttime, dispelling demons.

if we are talking the skeptical view of jesus, what can one man do against an ancient world monster?

The Balrog isn't exactly a demon. I'd like to see what feat people have in mind when they say Jesus can kill a Balrog. Drying out a tree?

In Revelation, Chapter 1 (I have no fucking clue how to do the ratio quote thingy), Jesus has the power to look pretty damned freaky:

"His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire; And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace; and his voice as the sound of many waters. And he had in his right hand seven stars: and out of his mouth went a sharp twoedged sword: and his countenance was as the sun shineth in his strength."

I'm no combat expert, but I question the usefulness of a sword in the mouth. In Jesus' favor, he does use ninja stars, indicating that he is either a ninja or at least trained in the ninja arts. I will also have to assume that brass feet are made to kick. His eyes are on fire, which may prove to be less help than hindrance. And his hair is white, because I don't know.

Now let's look at the Balrog. He's big. He's made of fire. He's mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore. Unfortunately, he falls like a brick, whereas Jesus walks on water.

I give it to Balrog, but it'd be a fun fight to watch. Especially the part where Jesus dies (again).

Bob McDob · Post by **Bob McDob** » 2002-12-25 02:55am

Ender wrote:He can kill with a word

BECAUSE HE IS THE KWISACH HADERACH!

Post by **NecronLord** » 2002-12-25 08:37am

Darth Wong wrote:So what if Jesus can kill a tree? I can do that with a bottle of Round-Up!

It hardly means he can take down a man with a gun, never mind any typical sci-fi opponent.

Thus being the point. Have a laugh at the image of jesus being lashed with a flaming whip

StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Jesus Vs...

Kinda ovious really

Jesus Vs...