You are God

Coalition · Post by **Coalition** » 2002-12-25 12:44am

Or at least Jim Carrey is in the movie:

http://www.brucealmighty.com

Essentially, god gives Jim 1 week to see if he can do a better job. Various things he does are:
1) make a fire hydrant pop
2) enlarge his wife's bosom
3) make candles light in his room
4) proclaim that he s Bruce Almighty from the top of the Empire State Building, during a thunderstorm
5) receive ~3 billion unanswered prayers via e-mail

At least, that is what he does in the trailer.

What would you do if you had those powers, and had 7 days to use them?

Issue smackdowns as needed?
Actually reply to prayers?
Tell varous fundamentalists to shut up?
Issue Bible v2.0?
Other?

Durandal · Post by **Durandal** » 2002-12-25 12:54am

Make Earth a paradise where everyone is happy and fucking constantly.

Oh, and extend my godliness to last forever.

Darth Yoshi · Post by **Darth Yoshi** » 2002-12-25 12:56am

First, I would use my powers to revise all copies of the Bible so that it actually makes sense, ie doesn't contradict itself. Then I would tell the Muslims that suicide bombing is not the way into heaven, and that if anyone tries it, his community will get the fire and brimstone treatment. Then, any fundamentalist like Falwell or Asscroft will be condemned to Hell if he doesn't STFU. To prove that I am God, I will send a plague to a major city in each country, at the same time.

Post by **Vympel** » 2002-12-25 12:58am

Durandal wrote:Make Earth a paradise where everyone is happy and fucking constantly.

I would will myself into non-existence and leave humans to their own devices.

SWPIGWANG · Post by **SWPIGWANG** » 2002-12-25 01:00am

Since I'd be omniscient if I wished....I'd think of more stuff then

Hmm.... make Star Trek: Incredible Cross Sections

Issue Bible 2.0 with all all laws of science and math onto a book, as well as guild lines in human social organization

Make everyone look better

Tweek physics to allow FTL
Send janeway porn to fundies

SeebianWurm · Post by **SeebianWurm** » 2002-12-25 01:04am

With a wave of one hand, change Star Trek to be a well-written, physically possible and consistent SF series.

With a wave of the other hand: women.

Durandal · Post by **Durandal** » 2002-12-25 02:08am

SWPIGWANG wrote:Tweek physics to allow FTL

I'm not sure why, but I find this just fucking hilarious. "Tweak physics" ... heheheheh

data_link · Post by **data_link** » 2002-12-25 02:10am

SeebianWurm wrote:With a wave of one hand, change Star Trek to be a well-written, physically possible and consistent SF series.

And next, SeebianWurm will demonstrate his ability to make a square circle.

SeebianWurm · Post by **SeebianWurm** » 2002-12-25 02:14am

Only after the powers are granted, of course.

GrandMasterTerwynn · Post by **GrandMasterTerwynn** » 2002-12-25 02:17am

As the newly minted God Almighty, my first act would be to notify all humans that there is no eternal heaven, only hell. My next act would be to notify all humans that hell is in fact Earth. I would then sternly warn them that the only path to happiness is through enlightenment through progress, and that fundamentalism of any sort will get you ridiculed and/or killed. To prove my point, fundamentalists will promptly be struck dead.

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2002-12-25 04:15am

how are we supposed to conivnce humans that we're God? I don't think anyone woukld believe me, even with the miracels and everything.

I'd just wipe the slate and start again with Chimps.
Although that make Gis pissed at me when he comes back...

data_link · Post by **data_link** » 2002-12-25 04:17am

innerbrat wrote:how are we supposed to conivnce humans that we're God? I don't think anyone woukld believe me, even with the miracels and everything.

I'd just wipe the slate and start again with Chimps.
Although that make Gis pissed at me when he comes back...

Do the words "second impact" mean anything to you?

Hmm, I can see it now: "There is no God but God, and Anno is His prophet."

Post by **Mr Bean** » 2002-12-25 08:16am

And from the heavan's came a voice

LO and Behond for I am God and I have come onto you to remind you yet of three things!

*Behold my power as I seperate the dumb from the smart(3 Billion Gone), The Lazy from the Hardworking(2.6 Billion left), The Criminals from the Saints(*Relises he has 3 people left).... errr forget that last one, just the first two(Back up to 2.6)

Now I say onto oh people of Earth what shall be done with these people? What? Launch them on a rocket to the Moon? Air/No Air?
Alright and off they go!

Now onto you oh people of earth I randomly grant superpowers to a chosen 2,000
Cause I feel like it

Oh I wonked with physics abit(CoughHyperdrivecough) so for the love of me don't mix uranium with baking soda and lead-colbalt in a solution of HiC for Bob SAKE don't try that anytime soon

Oh btw, this is my uhhh, Tri Millenium Wake up, I only wake up every 3,000 Years(Yeah heh heh) and then only for a week at a time, Otherwise your on your own fokes

Oh and fyi don't beat aginst the Bear's in anything anytime soon

Post by **NecronLord** » 2002-12-25 08:19am

I know.

Anyway, Back on topic.

Jehovah (as in this context he clearly exists) is instantly made mortal.

Extend my powers to last for all time/take myself outside time.

Prevent anyone else becoming god.

Hit my old (catholic) school with a small meteor.

Obliterate every place of worship ever built, unless it has some historical or architectural value.

Tweak physics

Set up a cadre of minions.

Give minions magical powers

edit the planet to a perfect state.

edit all animals not to eat humans.

bring back dinosaurs and other extinct yet amusing critters.

Proclaim my dominion over any other planets bearing life, do the same to those, Edit fundamentally hostile life forms (Aliens, the thing etc.) to be non hostile.

Make a squared circle (diagram) that will cause anyone who tries to analyse it to go insane.

Dump squared circle in pure mathematics dept, some university(I couldn't possibly help it)

Make criminal behaviour instantly punished (for example the ultimate justice zone in red dwarf)

Send all fundies to another planet, bubbled off in its own space where time is slowed by 1e5

Cure mathematics dept, and wipe memory of the squared circle.

Turn all racist donkey fuckers the colour they most despise.

Torment B&B and whomsoever is responsible for Nemesis and Insurrection.

Implement Re-incarnation. With full memories.

Arrange for all ST (TNG and after) to be replaced by a WH40K series, which shall be extremely good.

Eliminate poverty throughout the universe. (I thought I'd already done that, meh!){with the exception of planet FUNDIE}

Make everyone very good at fucking

Knock up a record of fucking that would make Zeus feel small.

Ship all copies of The Bible and other such books to planet Fundie.(with the exception of those in the HQ of my secret Cadre, aka the ATJ+AIIF.

Put Jehovah on trial for his crimes.

Make him experience everything evil that has been done in his name, in a bubble in which time is accellerated by 1e90 (we have to get this over with in a few weeks.)

Then make him invisible and intangible to humans, and unable to do... anything. Then banish him to planet fundie.

That will be all, for now.

kojikun · Post by **kojikun** » 2002-12-25 10:21am

--You are God--

Yes, we've known this for quite some time. Now bow before my glorious might!!!

--what would you do in 7 days--

Push the reset button on humanity. X would love me for this.

Soontir C'boath · Post by **Soontir C'boath** » 2002-12-25 11:16am

On the first day I will rid of religion.
On the second day I will make people with an IQ below 70 become my minions.
On the third Day I will turn Mr. Bean into red bean soup and for the entire 24 hour sipping slowly away.
On the fourth day I will get laid and tell my older brother about it as he hasn't yet.
On the fifth day I will sleep and cast the demons of our dreams to my minions.
On the sixth day I will kill 2/3 of the human population.
On the seventh day I will not rest but destroy cities and towns to be replaced by forests, plains, swamps, etc. Humans will live in tight advance communities with a population of 200 a piece and old farts will become young again and sent to other planets for colonization.

Cyaround,
Jason

Crom · Post by **Crom** » 2002-12-25 11:55am

I would find a mountain and sit on it. Since I am a god, I'll make it so I sit on this mountain for all time. And then, once I'm on this mountain, I'll brood. I may more may not have a spear and a crown. Probably not.

Cpt_Frank · Post by **Cpt_Frank** » 2002-12-25 12:18pm

Arrange for all ST (TNG and after) to be replaced by a WH40K series, which shall be extremely good.

Yes! Battlefleet Gothic: the adventures of the Imperial Cruiser 'Lord Daros', set in, say, ~40,500.
As follow-up BFG: TNG, which takes place 80 years later.
Same ship, same crew, only with a few more kewl-looking implants

Next series shall of course be Blackstone Six

Post by **NecronLord** » 2002-12-25 12:33pm

Cpt_Frank wrote:
Arrange for all ST (TNG and after) to be replaced by a WH40K series, which shall be extremely good.
Yes! Battlefleet Gothic: the adventures of the Imperial Cruiser 'Lord Daros', set in, say, ~40,500.
As follow-up BFG: TNG, which takes place 80 years later.
Same ship, same crew, only with a few more kewl-looking implants

Next series shall of course be Blackstone Six

Excellent plan. They can use the same actors... as ratings MWHAHAHAHA

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2002-12-25 12:36pm

I would give myself permanent powers. Then I would show myself, disguised of course, have everyone see me as God. Then promptly tell everyone that every religious book every devised was really some guy in the 0th century pulling a funnie. Then I would see what chaos that would ensue. Then I would kill everyone I didn't think deserved life. Then I would set myself up as Emperor of Everything. Then I would get laid a lot. And have some more fun.

Wicked Pilot · Post by **Wicked Pilot** » 2002-12-25 12:38pm

I would release the Star Wars Origional Thrilogy on DVD. And I would also change it back so Han fires first again.

Exonerate · Post by **Exonerate** » 2002-12-25 01:10pm

First, I'd ban all Christian Rock that continually praises God more than 3 times. Secondly, I'd outlaw teaching creationism in science classrooms. Third, I'd get rid of all borders and boundaries, and unite the whole world as one country.

kojikun · Post by **kojikun** » 2002-12-25 01:24pm

sontir: youre on long island you pansy assed bitch. ACCEPT IT! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Soontir C'boath · Post by **Soontir C'boath** » 2002-12-25 01:47pm

Koji, there are two Queens here. One in NYC and one in LI. I'M IN THE ONE IN NYC!!!

For the Rest of you, Manhatten is not NYC!!! NYC is Manhatten, Bronx, Brooklyn,Staten Island, AND QUEENS!!!

Cyaround,
Jason

meNNis · Post by **meNNis** » 2002-12-25 02:05pm

create the SW galaxy and make myself Emperor. and destroy those dirty Rebels once and for all!

create a wormhole to the Milky Way, show off the might of the Empire to Earth just long enough for everyone to bow down and worship me, then BDZ the entire planet. muaha. except natalie portman who becomes my eternal sex slave of course.