Firewarriors Guide to the Galaxy (40K, Not too serious)
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darkjedi521
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Soontir C'boath
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Realize that your story took a good chunk of time away that I could've used to study an exam I have. Good story. 
I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen's Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to "order" than to justice; who constantly says: "I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action"; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a "more convenient season."
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Sha'Eil = Eldar word for Warp
Chapter 11: Dreamtime.
"Aren't you being a touch too paranoid?" Miku asked.
"Well it's better to be safe than sorry." Mur'Phon replied.
"But you've been setting up enough traps to take out half an army." She continued.
"Yeah I know it's not quite enough to be really safe, but some is better than nothing."
Mur'Phon had been setting up traps the entire afternoon after they stopped. So far it was hard to find a single inch of ground not trapped once you started entering their perimeter.
"You've known him longer than me. Is he always like this?" Miku asked Gordonius.
"I've only known him about five minutes longer, but based on that: Yes he's always like this. And it'll be the same answer next time you ask too." He replied.
Miku sighed. The only reason she stuck around was that she had nowhere else to go. She was beginning to reconsider that. She just hoped the entire forest wasn't depopulated by these traps. And she REALLY hoped she didn't have to pee in the darkness, that'd be equivalent with suicide.
_________________________________________________________________________
The Aspect warrior approached the farseer cautiously. She had been acting erratically as of late.
"Are you sure we need so many warriors just to kill one mon-keigh? I mean those blue skinned people while having an impressive rate of advancement are still inferior. What is the worst that could happen?" He asked trying to sound as respectful as possible.
When she turned towards him he regretted speaking up. There was definitely a trace of crazy in the expression.
"The worst that could happen? The worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen would be a huge mon-keigh army appearing out of nowhere. Or a ship in orbit having a weapons malfunction and in-avertedly nuking our force from orbit. Or the Sha'Eil opens up spontaneously swallowing us all!" Her temper was getting the better of her.
He stood in shock. A Farseer never lost their temper.
"That Khaine-damned blue-skinned little excuse for an inferior being has messed up my plans for the last time! I plot out every detail. Everything is precisely calculated. Then he fucking wanders in and fucks over the khaine-damned prophesies like they were just drunken hallucinations! And when I'm finished with him and this damned planet I will find a sizeable hive fleet or Ork waagh to redirect straight at the rest of them to ensure these blueys never fuck them up again! That'll teach the universe not to follow my khaine-damned prophesies!"
He slowly edged away from her until he was sure she wasn't watching and then bolted.
Their best farseer had gone completely loco. What the hell was up with that mon-keigh that he was able to achieve that?
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"We've got the orks under control." The PDF Colonel stated.
"Oh? How did you do it?" The inquisitor asked idly curious.
"Some ruthless Bounty hunter blew up half a village with the orks in it taking out a huge chunk of their advance."
"Interesting. Send out a word to watch for this hunter but take no action. He may be useful. Perhaps we can hire him to hunt for that Tau before it does any damage."
"I will see to it personally." Any excuse to get away from the inquisitor.
______________________________________________________
The trio was fast asleep in the darkness. On a nearby tree a bird landed and was suddenly garroted by one of Mur'Phon's traps, it was fast and silent and the bird never had a chance to make a noise.
Miku was supposed to have taken first watch, but despite the Dark Eldar preferring darkness she had been tired and fallen asleep. They had no idea on the Eldar Strike force heading towards them with intent to kill.
And the Eldar strike force had no idea what they were getting into. In Miku's hand was the pad she had found in Mur'Phon's backpack. She was having some trouble reading it, but was starting to figure it out. Apparently it was named Firewarrior's guide. By sheer coincidence she had left the file on Eldar open.
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Firewarriors guide:
Eldar are an old race which looks remarkably similar to humans, but don't say that to their face if you want to live. These guys are more arrogant than all water caste social science teachers put together. You know the kind you had during your childhood to teach you on why the Tau will rule the universe eventually. A single one of the Eldar can easily outmatch all of these. And they HATE being compared to humans. Myself I'm hard pressed to tell the difference. At least as long as we're not fighting, then it's easy.
Simple study has led to the conclusion that there are in fact two kinds of Eldar. The first is the most well known. The manipulative bastards with worldships. The second are shadowy raiders.
The manipulative bastards are by far the most arrogant of the lot. Frankly they are the most arrogant beings I've ever seen. They are also the most common insofar that can be applied to Eldar given their rarity.
Before we talk about their real fighting capabilities there is one vital fact you got to know about them: They cheat somewhat fierce.
Thanks to a special variant of the Eldar known as Farseers they can literally see possible futures and plan accordingly. Consequently they rarely engage unless they've foreseen a victory. However it also means that if you manage to surprise them (Hard, but not impossible) they run around like scared clone beasts and die about as easily. Run pointy ears, run hehehe!
While it doesn't always work there are a few good tricks to use against them. The chief of them is to be aware of their ability and act accordingly. If you normally could count on reinforcements change the plan to be without them, they either intend to be in and out before they get there or are preventing them from arriving somehow. Oddly enough they rarely foresee commanders doing that. They see the idea of us actually outguessing them as so foreign that their sheer arrogance might let us outsmart them. The very idea of us achieving much is seen as ludicrous.
I have ordered all my subordinates to shoot me if I ever start acting that arrogant.
Nine out of ten plans against them rely on working with their arrogance. Pretending to flee in face of them has an oddly high success rate too despite the fact that they have to have foreseen that possibility, unless the unit you flee from has a Farseer with them they seem to just forget that we're probably bluffing and just follow as they assume we're cowards in face of their superiority. This when it works is perhaps the most fun way. I got numerous recordings of their faces when they realize too late that it was a ruse and we're about to kill them.
In combat they rely on speed and short range firepower. Hit hard and hit fast. They do however insist on such tall helmets that we can headshot them from much farther away. And even if we don't kill them the heat wash will usually give them severe headaches equal to…. Oh I don't know, the hangover from drinking a freighter packed full with alcohol perhaps. That'll usually take them out of action for a while. Try to keep them at range as they are better in hand to hand, but don't get into shootouts with heavy shooting units unless you got a significant edge in numbers or superior support firepower.
Techwise their arrogance is actually somewhat justified, what they got is far ahead of us. And as a lot of it is warp based we got little chance of replicating it.
However they tend to rely on overly advanced. A lot of their weapons are a lot more advanced than our stuff which relies more on brute force, but as a lot of them have felt personally... Brute force HURTS. Thankfully their arrogance keeps them from realizing that in some respects we actually have better gear.
Have I mentioned that their arrogance if it had mass would have formed several supermassive black holes?
However unlike many listings in this guide it's actually possible to occasionally work with them, but whenever you do you'll want to punch them in the face before it's over. They refuse to talk out straight what is going on preferring riddles and vague statements that you usually need to be familiar with Eldar culture to get. Obviously they want to use this to pretend to be so much smarter. If they had been out straight I'd have been much more impressed. As I'm actually familiar enough with Eldar culture by now I can honestly say it's rarely as impressive as they make it sound when put in clear words.
Standard alliance rules though. They'll stab you in the back the first chance they get, so make sure you stab first.
And if they mention the word stargods make sure you got orbital fire support. You are going to need it. Damn metal skeletons.
________________________________________________________
Coincidences were the order of the night. At the same time a few Eldar rangers stood quite some distance away from the camp.
"This has to be a joke." The lead one said.
"It has to be... One Mon'Keigh can't do anywhere near this much in only a few hours."
The traps were well hidden. A human could have easily wandered straight into them. Eldar were far more capable though. They were good at spotting traps and could see most of them. They really wished they couldn't though.
It appeared to be incredibly dense field of primitive traps stretching for several hundred meters in all directions. And they had to get through it to reach their target.
"Well... Let's just get started."
Fun fact about Eldar senses. While they are good they are not quite as good as they think they are. A well made trap will be invisible to them as well as normal humans.
And when they are busy avoiding all the traps they CAN see it's rather easy to miss them in the sheer amount of traps in their way.
The point man took three careful steps into the trap field, then suddenly got hit by a big piece of wood hanging by a rope and slammed into a tree.
The remaining members of the group looked on each other.
"Er... You go first." The leader said.
_____________________________________________________________
Gordonius's mind was a weird place. This carried over to his dreams.
He was running. Inside what appeared to be some sort of mechanical, but electrically powered item of small size, now supersized.
For some reason he tied the words "Simple hand watch" to it. And he was being followed by monkeys with wrenches intent on wrecking his augmentics.
"By the Omnissiah I will not let you wreck my machine pieces!" He cried out as he ran as fast as he could looking for some sort of weapon to fight them with as he jumped from one cog to the next. That was when he spotted the old Skitaari uniform and grabbed it. Immediately turning into a super augmented soldier with a really big gun.
"I hear monkey brains are tasty. Should we test that hypothesis?" He asked the monkeys
The rest of the dream was a lot more entertaining for him.
Though the monkeys didn't agree with that...
____________________________________________________
"Hello?" Miku said. It was an odd place.
She stood in a room, similar to the inn they had spent the night in last night, nice wooden place, but the door out was black and very spiky. She felt an immediate revulsion against opening it, but she couldn't see any other way out.
"You have to open it Lilanna." Came a voice from behind. She spun around. here stood a woman who looked almost exactly like her. The only thing that was really different was her face. It was fixed in a state of contempt and well... Meanness was the best word. She seemed to smell blood to Miku.
"Who are you? And why are you calling me Lilanna?" She asked.
The stranger fixed her with a gaze that implied that she was seen as little more than an annoying child.
"Because that is who you are. If you can't acknowledge it, you will forever stay a weak little girl, locked in that fate the same as locked in this little room."
Lilanna. When she had been asked what she was called it had been the first thing she had thought of, but she had rejected it because... She felt something bad with the name. Something that should stay buried. She got the same feeling from this door.
Lilanna sounded better, but Miku felt like it was clean of whatever tainted Lilanna. A fresh start perhaps?
"I don't want to. I'll find another way out."
"There is no other way out. You are telling yourself that you are happier like this, but it is an illusion. You are what you are. And you cannot change that no more than the sun can stop setting."
"On some worlds it doesn't set you know. The planet effectively doesn't rotate in comparison with the sun so it stays up all the time on one side, and down all the side on the other with a habitable belt running along the twilight edge between them." She had read that in the guide earlier tonight. It seemed a nice reply.
"THAT ISN'T THE POINT YOU STUPID BITCH! YOU HAVE TO OPEN THIS DOOR OR STAY LOCKED UP FOREVER!!!" The dark version of her yelled at Miku, she was definitely not happy at being upstaged like that.
"Then open it yourself then if it's so important!!" Miku called back. The room was boring, but she would NOT open the door.
"I can't! I'm just a figment of your subconscious!"
"Excuse me." Came from a third source somewhere to the side of them.
It was yet another copy of her. This one seemed more generally annoyed.
"Didn't we lock you up in a safe, wield it shut, dump you into an ocean, dump the planet into the webway, then the webway into a warp rift and put armed sentries at the entrance?"
"You can't keep me down! I represent the real Lilanna! Not this mockery of a shadow of her former self!"
"Right..." The new one walked over to the door and opened it.
"No don't!!!" The evil version screamed as tentacles lashed out from inside, grabbed her, and pulled her in as she screamed.
Then the newcomer turned to Miku.
"Listen girl, whatever she said disregard it. Us others think you are doing just fine, but whenever there's a big change for the better there are always a few conservative elements who try to get it back to the old status quo."
Miku looked at the newcomer, then at the dark door with screaming coming from inside.
"What is happening to her?"
"Let's just say that you used to have a really dirty imagination." The newcomer said with a weird smile.
"Okaaaaay." Miku said not really wanting to know more.
"So... How do I get out of here?" She asked after she had managed tune out the noises from the dark door.
"I was thinking you'd use the window she was blocking your view of."
The window wasn't big, but she'd have no problems fitting through it. Outside was a beautiful sunny field, with the sun JUST dimmed enough not to hurt her light sensitive eyes. She could swear it had a smiley face on it.
"Okay thanks." Miku said as she headed for the window.
"Just remember. Us rest of us like the new you way better than the old you. Let that sleeping dog lie."
"I will. See yah!" Miku said as she climbed out the window.
"Phew. For a moment here I though we would have to deal with a few shiploads of angst." The figment of Miku's mind said as she faded away.
________________________________________________________________
Mur'Phon was confused, thoroughly so.
It was a huge complex. Clearly imperial construction, but it was unlike anything he had seen before.
People walked by completely ignoring him. In one case walking through him as if he was a ghost.
He was wearing his full combat gear, not the bounty hunter getup he was currently wearing in the real world.
And he felt an unexplainable drag towards some unknown destination. As he walked people thinned out, and of those some sort of soldier type, remiscent of Space Marines yet different from them. Somehow he got the impression they were more dangerous.
Then he was in front of some huge doors. Closed, he knew they wouldn't open somehow. So he walked over to touch them. And he gasped as his hand slid right through the door like it wasn't there.
He steeled himself, then walked into it.
The chamber on the other side was not somewhere pleasant. He un-slung his weapon on reflex.
Something felt very wrong in this chamber.
He turned around. And almost dropped his weapon in shock!
________________________________________________________________
They had gotten a whole twenty meters into the trap field, they had however lost fifteen of their number to get there. By now they had stopped using Rangers and instead were using plain guardians to do it. That had upped their casualty rates, but at least they'd have some rangers left when they got through it. Another one was garroted by a string trap they had missed due to being distracted by all the other traps.
"I'm beginning to see why this mon'keigh managed to drive her nuts." One of them said.
"Yes. I have a hard time believing anyone can set up this many traps in that short a time."
Another one was speared a bit forward.
"We should have brought vehicles or swooping hawks for this.."
"Unfortunately the other farseers nixed that saying that we wouldn't need them for this mission. I'm beginning to think they are trying to get rid of her and just letting us die to get that done."
"Given her mad laughter as she personally grabbed a missile launcher I can't honestly blame them. Just wish we could do it with less body count."
The troops were starting some serious grumbling against the Farseer.
_______________________________________________________________
It made him think of a throne, but to him it appeared to be an abomination. Tendril like cables running across, crude looking crafts that gave the man sitting on the throne an even more worn look. The corps-esque look of the man using the throne didn't help the overall impression. It looked horrific.
"Not a pretty sight is it?"
He turned around. The man behind him didn't look ancient in the normal sense. No long beard, no shriveled body. But he just felt old despite a powerful visage.
"Who the hell are you?"
"I'm the guy on that throne." The man answered.
"But that'll make you..." Mur'Phon's mind went as a Necron Cruiser on all full ahead and loaded dice.
"That's right. I'm the God Emperor of Mankind. Or righteous dead dude if you prefer that. I kinda like that nickname a Guardsman out near Cadia came up with."
"This is one fucked up dream." Mur'Phon said more to thin air.
"Well it was the best way to get in touch with you."
The man turned towards the throne.
"I don't know why I spend so much time here. Perhaps just to remind myself what can happen when I make a mistake? Let's get to somewhere a bit more friendly."
The setting shifted abrupbtly. Now it was snow and ice, and they were in the middle of a big group of weird animals.
They were beaked, black and white and didn't look like they could fly.
The man petted one of them on the head idly. "Emperor Penguins, I always liked these guys. It's a real shame they are extinct now. I really wish the inquisition hadn't destroyed that picture of me as an Emperor Penguin. That one was funny."
"What the hell do you want with me?" Mur'Phon was getting really confused.
"Well... To be frank I need your help. You have wandered straight into a very complex game. And your first actions have so far thrown a few of the players completely out of whack. Elaborate plan over elaborate plan. Chess on a grand scale, however you in the game is the equivalent of setting a small 3 year old against the chessboard. You are lucky if you get all the pieces back intact."
"Uh... What?"
"Did I lapse into vague statements again? I'm sorry. It's a bad habit for us really old and powerful. I'll try to be direct." He cleared his throat.
"The planet you are on is a vital piece in the galactic struggle. And you are the only one who can prevent total disaster."
"What?! Why me? Aren't you in charge of the whole Imperium? Don't you have bazillions of followers to fall back on?!"
"I would have if they would just listen! Do you have any idea how frustrating it is?! I give a reasonably clear statement yet they insist on interpreting it like 'The emperor wants us to kill all left handed people because they are horrible mutants' or 'The Emperor says we need to give more offering'. They are just so... So damn over the top fanatical and zealous that they just plain can't take any sense! I gave up trying to talk to people directly millennia ago because of that! Seriously! Is it too much to ask that people just try to listen once in a while instead of just being rabid foaming on the mouth fundamentalists who just want to keep being that!? And don't get me started on the inquisition..."
Mur'Phon had just made a huge mistake. It was a sore subject apparently. And once the righteous dead dude had started he wouldn't stop for a while.
_______________________________________________________________
The eldar were working their way through. The bodycount was still building, but all the blood spilled had an odd effect.
The beast stirred. The smell of blood carried far. And now a lot of it was spilled. It started homing in on it. It would take a while to get there, but then even more blood would flow.
The eldar were blissfully unaware of this. After all they relied on their Farseer's visions. And they were completely unavailable while they were acting directly against Mur'Phon.
"We're almost there now. Just a little bit more and we'll see them. Then we'll just shoot them in their sleep and leave." The ranger said.
Just then there was a click. He recognized that sound. That was the sound of an imperial anti-personnel mine about to go off.
"Oh Sha'Eil."
The blast from the claymore type weapon shredded half a dozen eldar. And the others set up to effectively enfilade the area killed far more.
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"I did NOT want that world exterminatused. Yet they did it anyway! Honestly..."
Mur'Phon just sat there resigned as the Emperor ranted. Finally the emperor caught himself.
"Oh crap. I'm almost out of time. I got carried away with my rant. Listen young Tau. You got to evade the eldar and get to..." That was all he managed before the mine went off and woke him with a start.
___________________________________________________________________
Mur'Phon immediately on reflex grabbed his weapon and sent a grenade downrange towards the explosions.
At the target location the Ranger leader couldn't believe his luck. He had escaped almost unscathed. Just then he heard the grenade.
"Not again."
This time he wasn't so lucky.
Mur'Phon laid down a barrage of grenades as the other two got up.
"We got to get out of here now!" Mur'Phon yelled as he searched for targets.
"Who is attacking us?"
"I got no idea! Just move it!"
The sole escape route, covered in slightly less hidden but bogus traps was their only hope.
Unfortunately Mur'Phon's bad luck held for him too.
They skidded to a halt in front of the sizeable group of Eldar infantry.
The leader, a female Eldar with long red hair flowing out from under her helmet fixed her gaze on Mur'Phon.
"You cannot run. This young Mon'keigh is where you die."
Chapter 11: Dreamtime.
"Aren't you being a touch too paranoid?" Miku asked.
"Well it's better to be safe than sorry." Mur'Phon replied.
"But you've been setting up enough traps to take out half an army." She continued.
"Yeah I know it's not quite enough to be really safe, but some is better than nothing."
Mur'Phon had been setting up traps the entire afternoon after they stopped. So far it was hard to find a single inch of ground not trapped once you started entering their perimeter.
"You've known him longer than me. Is he always like this?" Miku asked Gordonius.
"I've only known him about five minutes longer, but based on that: Yes he's always like this. And it'll be the same answer next time you ask too." He replied.
Miku sighed. The only reason she stuck around was that she had nowhere else to go. She was beginning to reconsider that. She just hoped the entire forest wasn't depopulated by these traps. And she REALLY hoped she didn't have to pee in the darkness, that'd be equivalent with suicide.
_________________________________________________________________________
The Aspect warrior approached the farseer cautiously. She had been acting erratically as of late.
"Are you sure we need so many warriors just to kill one mon-keigh? I mean those blue skinned people while having an impressive rate of advancement are still inferior. What is the worst that could happen?" He asked trying to sound as respectful as possible.
When she turned towards him he regretted speaking up. There was definitely a trace of crazy in the expression.
"The worst that could happen? The worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen would be a huge mon-keigh army appearing out of nowhere. Or a ship in orbit having a weapons malfunction and in-avertedly nuking our force from orbit. Or the Sha'Eil opens up spontaneously swallowing us all!" Her temper was getting the better of her.
He stood in shock. A Farseer never lost their temper.
"That Khaine-damned blue-skinned little excuse for an inferior being has messed up my plans for the last time! I plot out every detail. Everything is precisely calculated. Then he fucking wanders in and fucks over the khaine-damned prophesies like they were just drunken hallucinations! And when I'm finished with him and this damned planet I will find a sizeable hive fleet or Ork waagh to redirect straight at the rest of them to ensure these blueys never fuck them up again! That'll teach the universe not to follow my khaine-damned prophesies!"
He slowly edged away from her until he was sure she wasn't watching and then bolted.
Their best farseer had gone completely loco. What the hell was up with that mon-keigh that he was able to achieve that?
______________________________________________________
"We've got the orks under control." The PDF Colonel stated.
"Oh? How did you do it?" The inquisitor asked idly curious.
"Some ruthless Bounty hunter blew up half a village with the orks in it taking out a huge chunk of their advance."
"Interesting. Send out a word to watch for this hunter but take no action. He may be useful. Perhaps we can hire him to hunt for that Tau before it does any damage."
"I will see to it personally." Any excuse to get away from the inquisitor.
______________________________________________________
The trio was fast asleep in the darkness. On a nearby tree a bird landed and was suddenly garroted by one of Mur'Phon's traps, it was fast and silent and the bird never had a chance to make a noise.
Miku was supposed to have taken first watch, but despite the Dark Eldar preferring darkness she had been tired and fallen asleep. They had no idea on the Eldar Strike force heading towards them with intent to kill.
And the Eldar strike force had no idea what they were getting into. In Miku's hand was the pad she had found in Mur'Phon's backpack. She was having some trouble reading it, but was starting to figure it out. Apparently it was named Firewarrior's guide. By sheer coincidence she had left the file on Eldar open.
______________________________________________________
Firewarriors guide:
Eldar are an old race which looks remarkably similar to humans, but don't say that to their face if you want to live. These guys are more arrogant than all water caste social science teachers put together. You know the kind you had during your childhood to teach you on why the Tau will rule the universe eventually. A single one of the Eldar can easily outmatch all of these. And they HATE being compared to humans. Myself I'm hard pressed to tell the difference. At least as long as we're not fighting, then it's easy.
Simple study has led to the conclusion that there are in fact two kinds of Eldar. The first is the most well known. The manipulative bastards with worldships. The second are shadowy raiders.
The manipulative bastards are by far the most arrogant of the lot. Frankly they are the most arrogant beings I've ever seen. They are also the most common insofar that can be applied to Eldar given their rarity.
Before we talk about their real fighting capabilities there is one vital fact you got to know about them: They cheat somewhat fierce.
Thanks to a special variant of the Eldar known as Farseers they can literally see possible futures and plan accordingly. Consequently they rarely engage unless they've foreseen a victory. However it also means that if you manage to surprise them (Hard, but not impossible) they run around like scared clone beasts and die about as easily. Run pointy ears, run hehehe!
While it doesn't always work there are a few good tricks to use against them. The chief of them is to be aware of their ability and act accordingly. If you normally could count on reinforcements change the plan to be without them, they either intend to be in and out before they get there or are preventing them from arriving somehow. Oddly enough they rarely foresee commanders doing that. They see the idea of us actually outguessing them as so foreign that their sheer arrogance might let us outsmart them. The very idea of us achieving much is seen as ludicrous.
I have ordered all my subordinates to shoot me if I ever start acting that arrogant.
Nine out of ten plans against them rely on working with their arrogance. Pretending to flee in face of them has an oddly high success rate too despite the fact that they have to have foreseen that possibility, unless the unit you flee from has a Farseer with them they seem to just forget that we're probably bluffing and just follow as they assume we're cowards in face of their superiority. This when it works is perhaps the most fun way. I got numerous recordings of their faces when they realize too late that it was a ruse and we're about to kill them.
In combat they rely on speed and short range firepower. Hit hard and hit fast. They do however insist on such tall helmets that we can headshot them from much farther away. And even if we don't kill them the heat wash will usually give them severe headaches equal to…. Oh I don't know, the hangover from drinking a freighter packed full with alcohol perhaps. That'll usually take them out of action for a while. Try to keep them at range as they are better in hand to hand, but don't get into shootouts with heavy shooting units unless you got a significant edge in numbers or superior support firepower.
Techwise their arrogance is actually somewhat justified, what they got is far ahead of us. And as a lot of it is warp based we got little chance of replicating it.
However they tend to rely on overly advanced. A lot of their weapons are a lot more advanced than our stuff which relies more on brute force, but as a lot of them have felt personally... Brute force HURTS. Thankfully their arrogance keeps them from realizing that in some respects we actually have better gear.
Have I mentioned that their arrogance if it had mass would have formed several supermassive black holes?
However unlike many listings in this guide it's actually possible to occasionally work with them, but whenever you do you'll want to punch them in the face before it's over. They refuse to talk out straight what is going on preferring riddles and vague statements that you usually need to be familiar with Eldar culture to get. Obviously they want to use this to pretend to be so much smarter. If they had been out straight I'd have been much more impressed. As I'm actually familiar enough with Eldar culture by now I can honestly say it's rarely as impressive as they make it sound when put in clear words.
Standard alliance rules though. They'll stab you in the back the first chance they get, so make sure you stab first.
And if they mention the word stargods make sure you got orbital fire support. You are going to need it. Damn metal skeletons.
________________________________________________________
Coincidences were the order of the night. At the same time a few Eldar rangers stood quite some distance away from the camp.
"This has to be a joke." The lead one said.
"It has to be... One Mon'Keigh can't do anywhere near this much in only a few hours."
The traps were well hidden. A human could have easily wandered straight into them. Eldar were far more capable though. They were good at spotting traps and could see most of them. They really wished they couldn't though.
It appeared to be incredibly dense field of primitive traps stretching for several hundred meters in all directions. And they had to get through it to reach their target.
"Well... Let's just get started."
Fun fact about Eldar senses. While they are good they are not quite as good as they think they are. A well made trap will be invisible to them as well as normal humans.
And when they are busy avoiding all the traps they CAN see it's rather easy to miss them in the sheer amount of traps in their way.
The point man took three careful steps into the trap field, then suddenly got hit by a big piece of wood hanging by a rope and slammed into a tree.
The remaining members of the group looked on each other.
"Er... You go first." The leader said.
_____________________________________________________________
Gordonius's mind was a weird place. This carried over to his dreams.
He was running. Inside what appeared to be some sort of mechanical, but electrically powered item of small size, now supersized.
For some reason he tied the words "Simple hand watch" to it. And he was being followed by monkeys with wrenches intent on wrecking his augmentics.
"By the Omnissiah I will not let you wreck my machine pieces!" He cried out as he ran as fast as he could looking for some sort of weapon to fight them with as he jumped from one cog to the next. That was when he spotted the old Skitaari uniform and grabbed it. Immediately turning into a super augmented soldier with a really big gun.
"I hear monkey brains are tasty. Should we test that hypothesis?" He asked the monkeys
The rest of the dream was a lot more entertaining for him.
Though the monkeys didn't agree with that...
____________________________________________________
"Hello?" Miku said. It was an odd place.
She stood in a room, similar to the inn they had spent the night in last night, nice wooden place, but the door out was black and very spiky. She felt an immediate revulsion against opening it, but she couldn't see any other way out.
"You have to open it Lilanna." Came a voice from behind. She spun around. here stood a woman who looked almost exactly like her. The only thing that was really different was her face. It was fixed in a state of contempt and well... Meanness was the best word. She seemed to smell blood to Miku.
"Who are you? And why are you calling me Lilanna?" She asked.
The stranger fixed her with a gaze that implied that she was seen as little more than an annoying child.
"Because that is who you are. If you can't acknowledge it, you will forever stay a weak little girl, locked in that fate the same as locked in this little room."
Lilanna. When she had been asked what she was called it had been the first thing she had thought of, but she had rejected it because... She felt something bad with the name. Something that should stay buried. She got the same feeling from this door.
Lilanna sounded better, but Miku felt like it was clean of whatever tainted Lilanna. A fresh start perhaps?
"I don't want to. I'll find another way out."
"There is no other way out. You are telling yourself that you are happier like this, but it is an illusion. You are what you are. And you cannot change that no more than the sun can stop setting."
"On some worlds it doesn't set you know. The planet effectively doesn't rotate in comparison with the sun so it stays up all the time on one side, and down all the side on the other with a habitable belt running along the twilight edge between them." She had read that in the guide earlier tonight. It seemed a nice reply.
"THAT ISN'T THE POINT YOU STUPID BITCH! YOU HAVE TO OPEN THIS DOOR OR STAY LOCKED UP FOREVER!!!" The dark version of her yelled at Miku, she was definitely not happy at being upstaged like that.
"Then open it yourself then if it's so important!!" Miku called back. The room was boring, but she would NOT open the door.
"I can't! I'm just a figment of your subconscious!"
"Excuse me." Came from a third source somewhere to the side of them.
It was yet another copy of her. This one seemed more generally annoyed.
"Didn't we lock you up in a safe, wield it shut, dump you into an ocean, dump the planet into the webway, then the webway into a warp rift and put armed sentries at the entrance?"
"You can't keep me down! I represent the real Lilanna! Not this mockery of a shadow of her former self!"
"Right..." The new one walked over to the door and opened it.
"No don't!!!" The evil version screamed as tentacles lashed out from inside, grabbed her, and pulled her in as she screamed.
Then the newcomer turned to Miku.
"Listen girl, whatever she said disregard it. Us others think you are doing just fine, but whenever there's a big change for the better there are always a few conservative elements who try to get it back to the old status quo."
Miku looked at the newcomer, then at the dark door with screaming coming from inside.
"What is happening to her?"
"Let's just say that you used to have a really dirty imagination." The newcomer said with a weird smile.
"Okaaaaay." Miku said not really wanting to know more.
"So... How do I get out of here?" She asked after she had managed tune out the noises from the dark door.
"I was thinking you'd use the window she was blocking your view of."
The window wasn't big, but she'd have no problems fitting through it. Outside was a beautiful sunny field, with the sun JUST dimmed enough not to hurt her light sensitive eyes. She could swear it had a smiley face on it.
"Okay thanks." Miku said as she headed for the window.
"Just remember. Us rest of us like the new you way better than the old you. Let that sleeping dog lie."
"I will. See yah!" Miku said as she climbed out the window.
"Phew. For a moment here I though we would have to deal with a few shiploads of angst." The figment of Miku's mind said as she faded away.
________________________________________________________________
Mur'Phon was confused, thoroughly so.
It was a huge complex. Clearly imperial construction, but it was unlike anything he had seen before.
People walked by completely ignoring him. In one case walking through him as if he was a ghost.
He was wearing his full combat gear, not the bounty hunter getup he was currently wearing in the real world.
And he felt an unexplainable drag towards some unknown destination. As he walked people thinned out, and of those some sort of soldier type, remiscent of Space Marines yet different from them. Somehow he got the impression they were more dangerous.
Then he was in front of some huge doors. Closed, he knew they wouldn't open somehow. So he walked over to touch them. And he gasped as his hand slid right through the door like it wasn't there.
He steeled himself, then walked into it.
The chamber on the other side was not somewhere pleasant. He un-slung his weapon on reflex.
Something felt very wrong in this chamber.
He turned around. And almost dropped his weapon in shock!
________________________________________________________________
They had gotten a whole twenty meters into the trap field, they had however lost fifteen of their number to get there. By now they had stopped using Rangers and instead were using plain guardians to do it. That had upped their casualty rates, but at least they'd have some rangers left when they got through it. Another one was garroted by a string trap they had missed due to being distracted by all the other traps.
"I'm beginning to see why this mon'keigh managed to drive her nuts." One of them said.
"Yes. I have a hard time believing anyone can set up this many traps in that short a time."
Another one was speared a bit forward.
"We should have brought vehicles or swooping hawks for this.."
"Unfortunately the other farseers nixed that saying that we wouldn't need them for this mission. I'm beginning to think they are trying to get rid of her and just letting us die to get that done."
"Given her mad laughter as she personally grabbed a missile launcher I can't honestly blame them. Just wish we could do it with less body count."
The troops were starting some serious grumbling against the Farseer.
_______________________________________________________________
It made him think of a throne, but to him it appeared to be an abomination. Tendril like cables running across, crude looking crafts that gave the man sitting on the throne an even more worn look. The corps-esque look of the man using the throne didn't help the overall impression. It looked horrific.
"Not a pretty sight is it?"
He turned around. The man behind him didn't look ancient in the normal sense. No long beard, no shriveled body. But he just felt old despite a powerful visage.
"Who the hell are you?"
"I'm the guy on that throne." The man answered.
"But that'll make you..." Mur'Phon's mind went as a Necron Cruiser on all full ahead and loaded dice.
"That's right. I'm the God Emperor of Mankind. Or righteous dead dude if you prefer that. I kinda like that nickname a Guardsman out near Cadia came up with."
"This is one fucked up dream." Mur'Phon said more to thin air.
"Well it was the best way to get in touch with you."
The man turned towards the throne.
"I don't know why I spend so much time here. Perhaps just to remind myself what can happen when I make a mistake? Let's get to somewhere a bit more friendly."
The setting shifted abrupbtly. Now it was snow and ice, and they were in the middle of a big group of weird animals.
They were beaked, black and white and didn't look like they could fly.
The man petted one of them on the head idly. "Emperor Penguins, I always liked these guys. It's a real shame they are extinct now. I really wish the inquisition hadn't destroyed that picture of me as an Emperor Penguin. That one was funny."
"What the hell do you want with me?" Mur'Phon was getting really confused.
"Well... To be frank I need your help. You have wandered straight into a very complex game. And your first actions have so far thrown a few of the players completely out of whack. Elaborate plan over elaborate plan. Chess on a grand scale, however you in the game is the equivalent of setting a small 3 year old against the chessboard. You are lucky if you get all the pieces back intact."
"Uh... What?"
"Did I lapse into vague statements again? I'm sorry. It's a bad habit for us really old and powerful. I'll try to be direct." He cleared his throat.
"The planet you are on is a vital piece in the galactic struggle. And you are the only one who can prevent total disaster."
"What?! Why me? Aren't you in charge of the whole Imperium? Don't you have bazillions of followers to fall back on?!"
"I would have if they would just listen! Do you have any idea how frustrating it is?! I give a reasonably clear statement yet they insist on interpreting it like 'The emperor wants us to kill all left handed people because they are horrible mutants' or 'The Emperor says we need to give more offering'. They are just so... So damn over the top fanatical and zealous that they just plain can't take any sense! I gave up trying to talk to people directly millennia ago because of that! Seriously! Is it too much to ask that people just try to listen once in a while instead of just being rabid foaming on the mouth fundamentalists who just want to keep being that!? And don't get me started on the inquisition..."
Mur'Phon had just made a huge mistake. It was a sore subject apparently. And once the righteous dead dude had started he wouldn't stop for a while.
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The eldar were working their way through. The bodycount was still building, but all the blood spilled had an odd effect.
The beast stirred. The smell of blood carried far. And now a lot of it was spilled. It started homing in on it. It would take a while to get there, but then even more blood would flow.
The eldar were blissfully unaware of this. After all they relied on their Farseer's visions. And they were completely unavailable while they were acting directly against Mur'Phon.
"We're almost there now. Just a little bit more and we'll see them. Then we'll just shoot them in their sleep and leave." The ranger said.
Just then there was a click. He recognized that sound. That was the sound of an imperial anti-personnel mine about to go off.
"Oh Sha'Eil."
The blast from the claymore type weapon shredded half a dozen eldar. And the others set up to effectively enfilade the area killed far more.
__________________________________________________________________
"I did NOT want that world exterminatused. Yet they did it anyway! Honestly..."
Mur'Phon just sat there resigned as the Emperor ranted. Finally the emperor caught himself.
"Oh crap. I'm almost out of time. I got carried away with my rant. Listen young Tau. You got to evade the eldar and get to..." That was all he managed before the mine went off and woke him with a start.
___________________________________________________________________
Mur'Phon immediately on reflex grabbed his weapon and sent a grenade downrange towards the explosions.
At the target location the Ranger leader couldn't believe his luck. He had escaped almost unscathed. Just then he heard the grenade.
"Not again."
This time he wasn't so lucky.
Mur'Phon laid down a barrage of grenades as the other two got up.
"We got to get out of here now!" Mur'Phon yelled as he searched for targets.
"Who is attacking us?"
"I got no idea! Just move it!"
The sole escape route, covered in slightly less hidden but bogus traps was their only hope.
Unfortunately Mur'Phon's bad luck held for him too.
They skidded to a halt in front of the sizeable group of Eldar infantry.
The leader, a female Eldar with long red hair flowing out from under her helmet fixed her gaze on Mur'Phon.
"You cannot run. This young Mon'keigh is where you die."
*DIES LAUGHING* That was just PRICELESS!
Me: Nope, that's why I have you around to tell me.
Nitram: You -are- beautiful. Anyone tries to tell you otherwise kill them.
"A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. LLAP" -- Leonard Nimoy, last Tweet
It's back!
3D Printed Custom Miniatures! Check it out: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/pro ... miniatures
Simply magnificent. Where some would take this whole "supernatural vision" or "Evangelionesque psychologial introspective" into the realm of pompous and vague, you make them entertaining. I wish I was any good at art, so I could draw a scene of the Eldar exploring Mur'phon's "Anything I can rig up including but not limited to Mines" field.
Oh, and I just want to say:
Oh, and I just want to say:
I did it.Their best farseer had gone completely loco. What the hell was up with that mon-keigh that he was able to achieve that?
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The Yosemite Bear
- Mostly Harmless Nutcase (Requiescat in Pace)
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Shadowtraveler
- Padawan Learner
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Hey wait a minute! You mentioned something about but for the interference of a righteous dead dude in chapter 9. *cocks eyebrow* No wonder the Farseer's visions are being fucked up, the fucking GEoM is taking personal interest.
This was right before the dude with the hover car gave 'em a lift.Chapter 9 wrote:Mur'Phon was sorely tempted right then, unfortunately for him fate (in the person of a righteous dead dude) had other plans for him.
Kill one man, you're a murderer. Kill a million, a king. Kill them all, a god. - Anonymous
Actually, I'd not heard of the Emporer being called that before, so that's why I missed it.
Me: Nope, that's why I have you around to tell me.
Nitram: You -are- beautiful. Anyone tries to tell you otherwise kill them.
"A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. LLAP" -- Leonard Nimoy, last Tweet
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The Yosemite Bear
- Mostly Harmless Nutcase (Requiescat in Pace)
- Posts: 35211
- Joined: 2002-07-21 02:38am
- Location: Dave's Not Here Man
Space Marine Commandments
I started making exceptions to all the rules...
Exception to rule 1: Does not apply to Blood Angels.
Exception to rule 2: unless you are from Catchacan, or any other human colony descended from Australians.
Eating Squigs: Legio Xenos (direct decendants from the French Foregin Legion), Cajuns, hockey stick wielding maniacs, or any thing else descendant from french colonists/pirates may do this with butter/wine sauce if they so please.)
I started making exceptions to all the rules...
Exception to rule 1: Does not apply to Blood Angels.
Exception to rule 2: unless you are from Catchacan, or any other human colony descended from Australians.
Eating Squigs: Legio Xenos (direct decendants from the French Foregin Legion), Cajuns, hockey stick wielding maniacs, or any thing else descendant from french colonists/pirates may do this with butter/wine sauce if they so please.)
The scariest folk song lyrics are "My Boy Grew up to be just like me" from cats in the cradle by Harry Chapin
Authors note: When I first fleshed out the farseer I was afraid I had gone too far, that she was much too over the top.
And then I played Dark Crusade and saw Taldeer there in her death scene acting in a remarkably similar (Albeit a tad more restrained in language) manner. Again I find that published 40K has already matched or exceeded anything I can do in FWG, it's almost scary how similar the stuff is on occassion, the difference is merely presentation for the most part.
Chapter 12:
The Tau ethereal was worried. Not really for anything major, just his own personal safety.
Sure a normal Tau was supposed to be one hundred percent loyal to them, but this commander was surely insane.
"Run that by me again. Are you telling me that this sole firewarrior somehow caused six rather small waaghs and three splinter fleets to attack the Tau, as well as two space marine companies? And the moment he goes MIA presumed KIA they all end up on a small worthless rock out there fighting each other alongside a small force of those so called Necrons?
"It's hard to believe I realize, but this Shas'La seems to have rather... Unusual effects. I have been following spy reports coming out from Tarvin where he went MIA. There are fragmentary reports of a lone Tau being present at various massively improbable events. Like an entire splinter fleet suddenly becoming combat ineffective and blown away by a much smaller force."
Okay that was odd, but surely nothing as insane as this could be the answer? The Ethereal thought.
"And just what do you recommend we do with said firewarrior?" The ethereal asked.
"Your highness, this Shas'la is a menace to any and all sapients foolish enough to have him in their midst. Therefore he must never be allowed to come home. If a La'Gir'Ar shows up at any of the border worlds we should have issued shoot to kill orders."
The ethereal looked at the records, especially at the squad that had trained alongside them, as a single name caught his eye.
"You sure you don't mean the Shas'La by the name Mur'Phon, that name does mean..."
"...I thought so at first too, but the records are conclusive. It is La'Gir'Ar who has to be the culprit." The Shas'O cut him off.
Neither of them knew about the slight file mix-up that had switched the two names. The ethereal relented, after all it was better safe than sorry. Even if this Shas'O was nuts.
"Very well, you may give that order."
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Elsewhere in the galaxy a showdown was going down. It was a showdown that would help decide the fate of a world. It was the giants of a sector, the kind of people who can alter the course of a galaxy, whose influence makes lesser beings into mere mortals compared to the almost godlike power they have to affect things. Well one of them was.
The other was merely a redheaded pointy eared Eldar who happened to have an army with her right then.
And well to be fair the other guy never did any of that stuff on purpose either.
So I guess it was merely a showdown to right grievous wrongs one of them had done against the other.
Then again the female seeking this showdown felt the wrongs was that the Tau had not been willing to die when she did her mass murder attempts and he had stopped said mass murders as an unintentional side effect. And said target could care less if he never met the perpetrator of said mass murder attempts. He just wanted to go home.
Ah screw it, it was a showdown between a young very cynical Tau firewarrior, and one very, very pissed off Eldar farseer.
"You cannot run young Mon-keigh. This is where you die."
"What the hell did I ever do to you?" Mur'Phon called back
"You dare ask that question?!" She snapped back. Mur'Phon was beginning to get the impression she wasn't entirely mentally stable. He decided to keep her talking as long as possible while he looked for a way out.
"Yes I dare ask that question because I have never seen you before in my life. If I'm going to get killed for something I did I'd prefer if I knew what."
"You have personally endangered the entire galaxy by interfering in my plans. And you made me the laughingstock of my people in the process!"
Mur'Phon took one look behind her at the troops looking at one another. Doubt clearly visible in their body language even to a non-Eldar like Mur'Phon
"You appear to be handling that last one yourself. Honestly I got no idea what plans I supposedly ruined."
"Your primitive mind cannot comprehend them mon-keigh. You are but a spec of dust in the vast galaxy." She was getting angrier by the minute. She was making more mistakes every second it seemed.
"Can't we just... You know sit down and talk it over or something? I mean killing more people won't achieve anything." Miku said. Besides she was curious why these people looked more like her than the humans they had met so far.
"SHUT UP DARK ONE! Your kind are worthless little creatures not worthy of your blood who all deserves their eventual horrible fate. You are even worse. You are a horrible little parody of both kin whose mind is as regressed as those of the mon-keigh you surround yourself with. Worthless little shadow as you are. Only fit for a whore to the mon-keighs" The words were bad, but unlike the rest on some instinctual level she understood the body language and the slight telepathic undertones sent with them that made up a lot of the elder language.
"... You... Shouldn't..." Miku's eyes were tearing up.
"Great you made her cry. Are you happy now?" Mur'Phon commented in a derogatory voice.
"You dare talk to me like that?!"
"Gee broken vox recorder. Yes I dare talk to you like that because I think you are completely nuts. I've heard stories of how incredible you elder are. Of your great works and intellects, of how incredibly powerful you are and how no race in the universe is a match for the eldar. You aren't one of them. Not anymore. And from the looks of it your troops agree with me." Mur'Phon said. He desperately hoped his body language wasn't giving it away. He was trying to manipulate the master manipulators.
'Greatest species my blue ass.'
He was recognizing something the guide had claimed Eldar never got.
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Firewarriors guide: Commander Fragitis:
Sometimes the troops just have enough. Their insane commander orders them to go hand to hand against space marines for some stupid nonsensical reason. Or their commander is just so criminally stupid they can't take it. Or the conditions have been horrible for too long.
They want the commander to get well and truly fragged. Usually not angry enough to do it themselves, but they won't care too much if somebody else does it. Some times they even thank the guy.
I remember a specific incident where an entire Imperial Guard company came up to thank me after I blew their commander away.
The only ones I've never seen have it is the Eldar (Who cheats to avoid such conditions) and the Necrons (For obvious reasons)
It's usually most useful if you are captured. If the army shows signs of it (Attaches is several hints on body language and other signs to recognize it), just play it up and they will usually let you 'by accident' get your hands on a weapon. When you do don't hesitate. Frag their command staff.
Sometimes they try to kill you afterwards, but that is rarer than you'd expect.
So frag away trooper!
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The farseer was horrified. This was impossible. The mon-keigh's words were swaying her troops.
"What are you doing? Shoot him!" She demanded.
"Farseer Galiana. My humblest apologies, but you aren't being rational about this. We've lost several squads of warriors just to get this one soldier. Is it really necessary?"
"That one mon-keigh has just about single-handedly slain the devourers we sent here. And then he defeated the next attempt.
The debate went in elder, but Mur'Phon knew he was winning.
They weren't even watching him anymore. He calmly put his carbine at the shoulder and started fine aiming.
If he was going to frag a commander it was going to be a perfect shot. He wanted to be able to put her helmet on a wall back home to say: 'Yes I got to frag a commander, and a commander of a species that has never gotten hit by that before'.
If he had done it quick Galiana would not have been able to predict it, but this slow her warp senses managed to register it. She spun around and now she was the one who was staring down a weapon barrel.
"If you fire we will make you suffer horribly." She stated. She felt confident her troops would avenge her at least.
"Wait? You mean to tell me that wasn't the plan anyway?" Mur'Phon commented sardonically not lowering his weapon.
"Stop twisting my words you lowly creature."
"You seriously need to work on your insults girl. And you troops seem to be of the opinion I will be doing your species a favour by killing you. Honestly. Crazy commanders kill more people than spontaneous rifle explosions, unexplainable ammo dump detonations and accidental life support failures so it puts out gas that turns Tau yellow just before we die put together."
"You've experienced all three repeatedly haven't you?" Gordonius asked.
"Shut up mechboy." Mur'Phon said slightly stung by the fact that those had combined had in fact been the second highest reason for deaths in training while he was there.
Galiana the Farseer was scared. She looked around her, reached out with her powers. And saw that the Tau was right. The rest of the group didn't care if she lived or died, or rather they'd prefer if it was the latter.
"You have turned my warriors against me!"
"Oh I'm flattered, but I can't really take the credit. You did a splendid job yourself." Mur'phon said with a truly evil grin as he prepared to make the kill. The farseer was so stunned she could only watch as she saw what seemed as her inevitable death coming closer and closer.
Only the soft sobs from Miku broke the silence as Mur'Phon gleefully tightened his finger on the trigger to make his first commander frag.
Then the silence was broken by a thunderous roar.
____________________________________________________________
The beast was actually remarkably smart.
Anything smaller and weaker than it was food. Anything with a gun pointed at it wasn't. And anything with a gun that was looking elsewhere was fast food.
And right now it saw more fast food than the mythical empire of MacDonald supposedly had had.
The beast's cry was terrifying, big loud and nonsensical. Translated it actually meant.
"Foreign food! All right! I love foreign food!"
First order of business was to prevent them from shooting him. That was best handled with a barrel charge. It rammed into them knocking them about like bowling pins.
Then he grabbed the ones with the blades that seemed to resonate with power. He swatted the first one. Then grabbed a second and used her as a weapon. The centrifugal force ensured her sword was pointed outwards as the poor Banshee was swung around using her as an improvised power weapon cutting down her sisters in arms.
The beast was dangerously smart. If it hadn't been for how tasty these people smelled it would never have attacked anyone this heavily armed.
It was really the only one of its kind that though eldar were so incredibly delicious. It was too bad for them that Mur'Phon and team happened to end up right smack in the middle of its territory.
Satisfied that the ones with close in weapons were dead it took the now extremely dizzy banshee up to his giant maw and took a big bite mesh armour and all. It hardened under the impact, but the tremendous teeth crushed it regardless
'They have a nice crunchy crust and a soft delicious centre, the perfect food.' The beast was ecstatic.
By now the eldar were panicking.
It kicked one of the few dumb enough to stand and fight hard enough that it hit the one nearest the trio at one end.
The trio which happened to smell so disgusting it had no desire whatsoever to get close even if a few of the tasties were over there.
Yep it thought Tau smelled disgusting. However nobody told the stinky that.
The stinky hesitated for a moment, then grabbed the unconscious robed tasty in front of him and hauled it along with him.
He decided not to follow. With food this good he could certainly understand why he wanted some too. And he had enough to share one. He wished the stinky bon appetite and then started indulging himself in what was to him a culinary heaven.
________________________________________________________________
Slowly reality came back into focus. She gratefully accepted it over the nightmare with taunting blue mon-keighs who convinced avatars of khaine to use her as a football. She had no idea where that had come from.
It smelled like a cave. She wondered why she couldn't see. It took her several groggy seconds to realize she was blindfolded, as well as gagged, as well as tied up with enough rope to climb up a titan (Whoever tied her up was apparently paranoid in the extreme), and she had some sort of blocky necklace or... a collar? At that realization she wished the warp would just open up and swallow her. This was just one humiliation too many.
She tried to remember what had knocked her out. Her last recollection was an overwhelming odor.. Foot sweat?
Oh yeah she had been kicked by a huge monster that had been using one of her banshees as a makeshift sword. If she ever got back home she'd never live this down.
She started picking out the voices.
"Is it gone?" The soft voice of the dark one said.
"Nope, still sitting there munching on the corpses." The voice that made her blood boil and her hands itching to rip out his spine and choke him with it responded. Weather it was physically possible or not wasn't too high on her priority list.
"I have never seen a purple and green creature like that before. Small forearms that are surprisingly agile. Big black eyes, the jaws look somewhat like a constant smile giving it a terrifying visage. That truly is an abomination of nature." The slightly mechanical voice said.
She was gathering up her mental strength to fry all three at once with her psyker powers when Miku noticed her.
"Guys, I think she's awake."
"Ah finally" The hated voice said.
"Before you do something rash like mind-raping the three of us and doing something freaky like knocking up our minds so our heads explode in nine months or so..."
"I don't think that is possible Mur'Phon. Warp powers don't work like that."
"Maybe not, but I'm honestly not willing to take that chance. Now shut up and let me talk!"
The hated voice focused back on her.
"Simply put. The collar you got around your neck is a bomb tied to the life support indicators and brainwave monitors in my gear. If I die or get mind-fucked with they'll have to pick up your brain with a mop. Any questions?"
"Isn't that a dumb question when she's gagged like that?" The feminine voice asked.
"Right. Remove it. Just rip it off quick."
That was when the farseer realized the gag was made of duct tape. She didn't need to see the future to know that this was going to hurt.
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The advisor was in generally not considered that smart, but she was useful in countering the xeno influence.
They were absolutely right about her common sense, but she was a tad more intelligent than she was given credit for. When she got access to the higher level stuff on how aliens seemed to be pushing in from all sides that had helped her contact the sources her lack of common sense meant were a good choice for countering alien influence.
"Are you sure about this?" She asked the cloaked man.
"Yes. That xeno has to die. Our own visions of the future have become unreliable. So far he has only ruined visions that worked against us, but that cannot last."
"If the Tau has a weapon like that, warriors who can't be predicted with normal means, they are poised to take the entire galaxy." She was horrified. Was Tarvin the testing ground of this new Tau super weapon? Common sense and she had never exactly been best buddies.
"We cannot deal with that yet, we can only kill this one." The cloaked figure decided not to point out the stupidity. 99% of all their contacts were retards or idiots in some way, either that or the imperial education were responsible for them not having a clue what they were dealing with when they contacted them.
He sure wished that this tendency didn't go up to the higher echelons though; as Abaddon the despoiler apparently fell under those 99%.
______________________________________________________________
Mur'Phon took quite a bit of enjoyment in ripping the three layered duct tape covering her mouth off. This lady had after all been the one sending ravenous hordes to eat him more than once. He took that as solid proof that it had not been his fault that all the weird stuff happened.
Yup not his fault at all...
Okay even he was starting to doubt that one by now.
There was a quick shriek of pain, then suddenly the wall behind him was hit with an eldritch storm before a flood of profanity washed over him. He was taken aback: They needed to update the guide's section on language. He had NO idea the eldar were this well versed in profanity, a serious oversight in the guide really. He also had no idea what a lot of them meant, but given that right now Miku's face was lighting up the cave with bright red it obviously wasn't that tame stuff.
"Well then let's get started. I'm only keeping you alive because I'm tired of wandering around with no idea what is going on from one disaster to the next."
"I will never break under your torture primitive."
"All right then. We'll try again after breakfast then. And un-cooperative prisoners don't get any food." He said with a grin under his helmet as they started breaking out the cooking gear right in front of her as well as the fresh food they had snagged in the village.
Galiana was hungry, she hadn't eaten for quite a while now, and with her good sense of smell it was practically torture to have fresh food being prepared just out of her reach.
This was of course was Mur'Phon's whole plan. The real slow and indirect kind of torture was always his favourite. You could always do the direct stuff later.
"Hey if you tell us what's going on we'll share some of this bacon with you." Mur'Phon said.
Galiana only hissed in anger at him.
"I was hoping you'd say that as that means more for me." Mur'Phon said with a huge grin under his helmet.
Mur'Phon loved bacon.
*End chapter 12*
And then I played Dark Crusade and saw Taldeer there in her death scene acting in a remarkably similar (Albeit a tad more restrained in language) manner. Again I find that published 40K has already matched or exceeded anything I can do in FWG, it's almost scary how similar the stuff is on occassion, the difference is merely presentation for the most part.
Chapter 12:
The Tau ethereal was worried. Not really for anything major, just his own personal safety.
Sure a normal Tau was supposed to be one hundred percent loyal to them, but this commander was surely insane.
"Run that by me again. Are you telling me that this sole firewarrior somehow caused six rather small waaghs and three splinter fleets to attack the Tau, as well as two space marine companies? And the moment he goes MIA presumed KIA they all end up on a small worthless rock out there fighting each other alongside a small force of those so called Necrons?
"It's hard to believe I realize, but this Shas'La seems to have rather... Unusual effects. I have been following spy reports coming out from Tarvin where he went MIA. There are fragmentary reports of a lone Tau being present at various massively improbable events. Like an entire splinter fleet suddenly becoming combat ineffective and blown away by a much smaller force."
Okay that was odd, but surely nothing as insane as this could be the answer? The Ethereal thought.
"And just what do you recommend we do with said firewarrior?" The ethereal asked.
"Your highness, this Shas'la is a menace to any and all sapients foolish enough to have him in their midst. Therefore he must never be allowed to come home. If a La'Gir'Ar shows up at any of the border worlds we should have issued shoot to kill orders."
The ethereal looked at the records, especially at the squad that had trained alongside them, as a single name caught his eye.
"You sure you don't mean the Shas'La by the name Mur'Phon, that name does mean..."
"...I thought so at first too, but the records are conclusive. It is La'Gir'Ar who has to be the culprit." The Shas'O cut him off.
Neither of them knew about the slight file mix-up that had switched the two names. The ethereal relented, after all it was better safe than sorry. Even if this Shas'O was nuts.
"Very well, you may give that order."
_____________________________________________________________________
Elsewhere in the galaxy a showdown was going down. It was a showdown that would help decide the fate of a world. It was the giants of a sector, the kind of people who can alter the course of a galaxy, whose influence makes lesser beings into mere mortals compared to the almost godlike power they have to affect things. Well one of them was.
The other was merely a redheaded pointy eared Eldar who happened to have an army with her right then.
And well to be fair the other guy never did any of that stuff on purpose either.
So I guess it was merely a showdown to right grievous wrongs one of them had done against the other.
Then again the female seeking this showdown felt the wrongs was that the Tau had not been willing to die when she did her mass murder attempts and he had stopped said mass murders as an unintentional side effect. And said target could care less if he never met the perpetrator of said mass murder attempts. He just wanted to go home.
Ah screw it, it was a showdown between a young very cynical Tau firewarrior, and one very, very pissed off Eldar farseer.
"You cannot run young Mon-keigh. This is where you die."
"What the hell did I ever do to you?" Mur'Phon called back
"You dare ask that question?!" She snapped back. Mur'Phon was beginning to get the impression she wasn't entirely mentally stable. He decided to keep her talking as long as possible while he looked for a way out.
"Yes I dare ask that question because I have never seen you before in my life. If I'm going to get killed for something I did I'd prefer if I knew what."
"You have personally endangered the entire galaxy by interfering in my plans. And you made me the laughingstock of my people in the process!"
Mur'Phon took one look behind her at the troops looking at one another. Doubt clearly visible in their body language even to a non-Eldar like Mur'Phon
"You appear to be handling that last one yourself. Honestly I got no idea what plans I supposedly ruined."
"Your primitive mind cannot comprehend them mon-keigh. You are but a spec of dust in the vast galaxy." She was getting angrier by the minute. She was making more mistakes every second it seemed.
"Can't we just... You know sit down and talk it over or something? I mean killing more people won't achieve anything." Miku said. Besides she was curious why these people looked more like her than the humans they had met so far.
"SHUT UP DARK ONE! Your kind are worthless little creatures not worthy of your blood who all deserves their eventual horrible fate. You are even worse. You are a horrible little parody of both kin whose mind is as regressed as those of the mon-keigh you surround yourself with. Worthless little shadow as you are. Only fit for a whore to the mon-keighs" The words were bad, but unlike the rest on some instinctual level she understood the body language and the slight telepathic undertones sent with them that made up a lot of the elder language.
"... You... Shouldn't..." Miku's eyes were tearing up.
"Great you made her cry. Are you happy now?" Mur'Phon commented in a derogatory voice.
"You dare talk to me like that?!"
"Gee broken vox recorder. Yes I dare talk to you like that because I think you are completely nuts. I've heard stories of how incredible you elder are. Of your great works and intellects, of how incredibly powerful you are and how no race in the universe is a match for the eldar. You aren't one of them. Not anymore. And from the looks of it your troops agree with me." Mur'Phon said. He desperately hoped his body language wasn't giving it away. He was trying to manipulate the master manipulators.
'Greatest species my blue ass.'
He was recognizing something the guide had claimed Eldar never got.
____________________________________________________________________
Firewarriors guide: Commander Fragitis:
Sometimes the troops just have enough. Their insane commander orders them to go hand to hand against space marines for some stupid nonsensical reason. Or their commander is just so criminally stupid they can't take it. Or the conditions have been horrible for too long.
They want the commander to get well and truly fragged. Usually not angry enough to do it themselves, but they won't care too much if somebody else does it. Some times they even thank the guy.
I remember a specific incident where an entire Imperial Guard company came up to thank me after I blew their commander away.
The only ones I've never seen have it is the Eldar (Who cheats to avoid such conditions) and the Necrons (For obvious reasons)
It's usually most useful if you are captured. If the army shows signs of it (Attaches is several hints on body language and other signs to recognize it), just play it up and they will usually let you 'by accident' get your hands on a weapon. When you do don't hesitate. Frag their command staff.
Sometimes they try to kill you afterwards, but that is rarer than you'd expect.
So frag away trooper!
___________________________________________________________________
The farseer was horrified. This was impossible. The mon-keigh's words were swaying her troops.
"What are you doing? Shoot him!" She demanded.
"Farseer Galiana. My humblest apologies, but you aren't being rational about this. We've lost several squads of warriors just to get this one soldier. Is it really necessary?"
"That one mon-keigh has just about single-handedly slain the devourers we sent here. And then he defeated the next attempt.
The debate went in elder, but Mur'Phon knew he was winning.
They weren't even watching him anymore. He calmly put his carbine at the shoulder and started fine aiming.
If he was going to frag a commander it was going to be a perfect shot. He wanted to be able to put her helmet on a wall back home to say: 'Yes I got to frag a commander, and a commander of a species that has never gotten hit by that before'.
If he had done it quick Galiana would not have been able to predict it, but this slow her warp senses managed to register it. She spun around and now she was the one who was staring down a weapon barrel.
"If you fire we will make you suffer horribly." She stated. She felt confident her troops would avenge her at least.
"Wait? You mean to tell me that wasn't the plan anyway?" Mur'Phon commented sardonically not lowering his weapon.
"Stop twisting my words you lowly creature."
"You seriously need to work on your insults girl. And you troops seem to be of the opinion I will be doing your species a favour by killing you. Honestly. Crazy commanders kill more people than spontaneous rifle explosions, unexplainable ammo dump detonations and accidental life support failures so it puts out gas that turns Tau yellow just before we die put together."
"You've experienced all three repeatedly haven't you?" Gordonius asked.
"Shut up mechboy." Mur'Phon said slightly stung by the fact that those had combined had in fact been the second highest reason for deaths in training while he was there.
Galiana the Farseer was scared. She looked around her, reached out with her powers. And saw that the Tau was right. The rest of the group didn't care if she lived or died, or rather they'd prefer if it was the latter.
"You have turned my warriors against me!"
"Oh I'm flattered, but I can't really take the credit. You did a splendid job yourself." Mur'phon said with a truly evil grin as he prepared to make the kill. The farseer was so stunned she could only watch as she saw what seemed as her inevitable death coming closer and closer.
Only the soft sobs from Miku broke the silence as Mur'Phon gleefully tightened his finger on the trigger to make his first commander frag.
Then the silence was broken by a thunderous roar.
____________________________________________________________
The beast was actually remarkably smart.
Anything smaller and weaker than it was food. Anything with a gun pointed at it wasn't. And anything with a gun that was looking elsewhere was fast food.
And right now it saw more fast food than the mythical empire of MacDonald supposedly had had.
The beast's cry was terrifying, big loud and nonsensical. Translated it actually meant.
"Foreign food! All right! I love foreign food!"
First order of business was to prevent them from shooting him. That was best handled with a barrel charge. It rammed into them knocking them about like bowling pins.
Then he grabbed the ones with the blades that seemed to resonate with power. He swatted the first one. Then grabbed a second and used her as a weapon. The centrifugal force ensured her sword was pointed outwards as the poor Banshee was swung around using her as an improvised power weapon cutting down her sisters in arms.
The beast was dangerously smart. If it hadn't been for how tasty these people smelled it would never have attacked anyone this heavily armed.
It was really the only one of its kind that though eldar were so incredibly delicious. It was too bad for them that Mur'Phon and team happened to end up right smack in the middle of its territory.
Satisfied that the ones with close in weapons were dead it took the now extremely dizzy banshee up to his giant maw and took a big bite mesh armour and all. It hardened under the impact, but the tremendous teeth crushed it regardless
'They have a nice crunchy crust and a soft delicious centre, the perfect food.' The beast was ecstatic.
By now the eldar were panicking.
It kicked one of the few dumb enough to stand and fight hard enough that it hit the one nearest the trio at one end.
The trio which happened to smell so disgusting it had no desire whatsoever to get close even if a few of the tasties were over there.
Yep it thought Tau smelled disgusting. However nobody told the stinky that.
The stinky hesitated for a moment, then grabbed the unconscious robed tasty in front of him and hauled it along with him.
He decided not to follow. With food this good he could certainly understand why he wanted some too. And he had enough to share one. He wished the stinky bon appetite and then started indulging himself in what was to him a culinary heaven.
________________________________________________________________
Slowly reality came back into focus. She gratefully accepted it over the nightmare with taunting blue mon-keighs who convinced avatars of khaine to use her as a football. She had no idea where that had come from.
It smelled like a cave. She wondered why she couldn't see. It took her several groggy seconds to realize she was blindfolded, as well as gagged, as well as tied up with enough rope to climb up a titan (Whoever tied her up was apparently paranoid in the extreme), and she had some sort of blocky necklace or... a collar? At that realization she wished the warp would just open up and swallow her. This was just one humiliation too many.
She tried to remember what had knocked her out. Her last recollection was an overwhelming odor.. Foot sweat?
Oh yeah she had been kicked by a huge monster that had been using one of her banshees as a makeshift sword. If she ever got back home she'd never live this down.
She started picking out the voices.
"Is it gone?" The soft voice of the dark one said.
"Nope, still sitting there munching on the corpses." The voice that made her blood boil and her hands itching to rip out his spine and choke him with it responded. Weather it was physically possible or not wasn't too high on her priority list.
"I have never seen a purple and green creature like that before. Small forearms that are surprisingly agile. Big black eyes, the jaws look somewhat like a constant smile giving it a terrifying visage. That truly is an abomination of nature." The slightly mechanical voice said.
She was gathering up her mental strength to fry all three at once with her psyker powers when Miku noticed her.
"Guys, I think she's awake."
"Ah finally" The hated voice said.
"Before you do something rash like mind-raping the three of us and doing something freaky like knocking up our minds so our heads explode in nine months or so..."
"I don't think that is possible Mur'Phon. Warp powers don't work like that."
"Maybe not, but I'm honestly not willing to take that chance. Now shut up and let me talk!"
The hated voice focused back on her.
"Simply put. The collar you got around your neck is a bomb tied to the life support indicators and brainwave monitors in my gear. If I die or get mind-fucked with they'll have to pick up your brain with a mop. Any questions?"
"Isn't that a dumb question when she's gagged like that?" The feminine voice asked.
"Right. Remove it. Just rip it off quick."
That was when the farseer realized the gag was made of duct tape. She didn't need to see the future to know that this was going to hurt.
__________________________________________________________________
The advisor was in generally not considered that smart, but she was useful in countering the xeno influence.
They were absolutely right about her common sense, but she was a tad more intelligent than she was given credit for. When she got access to the higher level stuff on how aliens seemed to be pushing in from all sides that had helped her contact the sources her lack of common sense meant were a good choice for countering alien influence.
"Are you sure about this?" She asked the cloaked man.
"Yes. That xeno has to die. Our own visions of the future have become unreliable. So far he has only ruined visions that worked against us, but that cannot last."
"If the Tau has a weapon like that, warriors who can't be predicted with normal means, they are poised to take the entire galaxy." She was horrified. Was Tarvin the testing ground of this new Tau super weapon? Common sense and she had never exactly been best buddies.
"We cannot deal with that yet, we can only kill this one." The cloaked figure decided not to point out the stupidity. 99% of all their contacts were retards or idiots in some way, either that or the imperial education were responsible for them not having a clue what they were dealing with when they contacted them.
He sure wished that this tendency didn't go up to the higher echelons though; as Abaddon the despoiler apparently fell under those 99%.
______________________________________________________________
Mur'Phon took quite a bit of enjoyment in ripping the three layered duct tape covering her mouth off. This lady had after all been the one sending ravenous hordes to eat him more than once. He took that as solid proof that it had not been his fault that all the weird stuff happened.
Yup not his fault at all...
Okay even he was starting to doubt that one by now.
There was a quick shriek of pain, then suddenly the wall behind him was hit with an eldritch storm before a flood of profanity washed over him. He was taken aback: They needed to update the guide's section on language. He had NO idea the eldar were this well versed in profanity, a serious oversight in the guide really. He also had no idea what a lot of them meant, but given that right now Miku's face was lighting up the cave with bright red it obviously wasn't that tame stuff.
"Well then let's get started. I'm only keeping you alive because I'm tired of wandering around with no idea what is going on from one disaster to the next."
"I will never break under your torture primitive."
"All right then. We'll try again after breakfast then. And un-cooperative prisoners don't get any food." He said with a grin under his helmet as they started breaking out the cooking gear right in front of her as well as the fresh food they had snagged in the village.
Galiana was hungry, she hadn't eaten for quite a while now, and with her good sense of smell it was practically torture to have fresh food being prepared just out of her reach.
This was of course was Mur'Phon's whole plan. The real slow and indirect kind of torture was always his favourite. You could always do the direct stuff later.
"Hey if you tell us what's going on we'll share some of this bacon with you." Mur'Phon said.
Galiana only hissed in anger at him.
"I was hoping you'd say that as that means more for me." Mur'Phon said with a huge grin under his helmet.
Mur'Phon loved bacon.
*End chapter 12*
Ohh, does this mean he will be running into the next disaster with some idea about it then?Rogue 11 wrote:"Well then let's get started. I'm only keeping you alive because I'm tired of wandering around with no idea what is going on from one disaster to the next."
"Okay, I'll have the truth with a side order of clarity." ~ Dr. Daniel Jackson.
"Reality has a well-known liberal bias." ~ Stephen Colbert
"One Drive, One Partition, the One True Path" ~ ars technica forums - warrens - on hhd partitioning schemes.
"Reality has a well-known liberal bias." ~ Stephen Colbert
"One Drive, One Partition, the One True Path" ~ ars technica forums - warrens - on hhd partitioning schemes.
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Ford Prefect
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LOVELY!!!!!He decided not to follow. With food this good he could certainly understand why he wanted some too. And he had enough to share one. He wished the stinky bon appetite and then started indulging himself in what was to him a culinary heaven.
She tried to remember what had knocked her out. Her last recollection was an overwhelming odor.. Foot sweat?
Duct tape, can be used for anything in the world.That was when the farseer realized the gag was made of duct tape. She didn't need to see the future to know that this was going to hurt.
I can see her face. lovely, very loveyThere was a quick shriek of pain, then suddenly the wall behind him was hit with an eldritch storm before a flood of profanity washed over him. He was taken aback: They needed to update the guide's section on language. He had NO idea the eldar were this well versed in profanity, a serious oversight in the guide really. He also had no idea what a lot of them meant, but given that right now Miku's face was lighting up the cave with bright red it obviously wasn't that tame stuff.
"I love foreign food!"
Great update.
Great update.
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Me: Nope, that's why I have you around to tell me.
Nitram: You -are- beautiful. Anyone tries to tell you otherwise kill them.
"A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. LLAP" -- Leonard Nimoy, last Tweet