What beast would guard your fortress?

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2002-12-29 03:37am

So you've become an evil overlord. You have a fortress of doom similar to mine and now you need something to guard it.

There are two categories, moat guard and gate guard. The moat guard is whatever you place in your moats or equivalent. It must be non sentient. The gate guard may be sentient.

In both cases it must be some creature or beast that's power comes completely or primarily from its biological aspects. A troll with a ax is okay for gate guard, a big mecha with live pilot is not is not.

So what do you chose?

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2002-12-29 03:38am

For the moat guard, I choose the Rancor. He is unsentient but very scary. For the gate guard, I choose Richard Simmons. Who the fuck wouldn't run from Richard Simmons?

Einhander Sn0m4n · Post by **Einhander Sn0m4n** » 2002-12-29 03:39am

Darth Wong wrote:For the moat guard, I choose the Rancor. He is unsentient but very scary. For the gate guard, I choose Richard Simmons. Who the fuck wouldn't run from Richard Simmons?

Me.

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2002-12-29 03:40am

Darth Wong wrote:For the moat guard, I choose the Rancor. He is unsentient but very scary. For the gate guard, I choose Richard Simmons. Who the fuck wouldn't run from Richard Simmons?

I'd just fire my Davy Crocket at him, and then pray its enough firepower.

Brother-Captain Gaius · Post by **Brother-Captain Gaius** » 2002-12-29 03:42am

Moat Guard: A Remorhazz (sp?) AKA Polar Worm. Mmm...death...

Gate Guard: Great Prismatic Wyrm will do nicely, thank you

Alex Moon · Post by **Alex Moon** » 2002-12-29 03:43am

Einhander Sn0m4n wrote:
Darth Wong wrote:For the moat guard, I choose the Rancor. He is unsentient but very scary. For the gate guard, I choose Richard Simmons. Who the fuck wouldn't run from Richard Simmons?
Me.

Yeah, but for you anyone that's male and havs a pulse appears to be enough to turn you on.

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2002-12-29 03:48am

Moat Guard (Outer Moat)
Cribe Paranas
(Inner Moat)
Electric Eels

Gate Guard:
Dweller at the Threshold (See H.P. Lovecraft)

Sienthal · Post by **Sienthal** » 2002-12-29 03:56am

Einhander Sn0m4n wrote:
Darth Wong wrote:For the moat guard, I choose the Rancor. He is unsentient but very scary. For the gate guard, I choose Richard Simmons. Who the fuck wouldn't run from Richard Simmons?
Me.

...
*Sputters a few times, and then thinks better of commenting*

I, for a moat guard, would choose a Devestation Beetle (In the Epic Book in D&D, nasty thing).

For a gate guard I would choose a crack team of homocidal monkies, all with 18th century top hats and lazy eyes.

Enlightenment · Post by **Enlightenment** » 2002-12-29 04:03am

Moat: a large number of hungry--but not starving--salt-water crocodiles. That should be proof enough against anyone but Steve Irwin.

Gate: a fiend from Quake I. To eviscerate Steve Irwin if he shows up.

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2002-12-29 04:04am

My moat guard would be WC3 Rock Golems, and perhaps some of my idiot seeking Voxyn. Any one stupid enough to enter the moat would be easily detected by them. My gate guard would be LOTR movie Balrogs. They would save a fair bit of money since I could cut back on lighting. Much fuck up the thermal trackers though.

Brother-Captain Gaius · Post by **Brother-Captain Gaius** » 2002-12-29 04:05am

Enlightenment wrote: Gate: Generic guy with a gun.

You do know that always fails, right? A basic human guard, armed with a gun, and you expect him to be competent enough to ward off secret agents and the like?

EDIT: Gah you changed what you said, damnit.

SylasGaunt · Post by **SylasGaunt** » 2002-12-29 04:08am

Moat Guard: A Radam spider-crab
Gate Guard: Well if I had a Fortress of Evil big enough I'd take a Star Dragon from my gaming group's fuzion campaign, but then the damn thing's roughly the size of Alaska so probably not convenient if I want to keep the place secret.. so what the hell I'll take a mama Legion.

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2002-12-29 04:12am

SylasGaunt wrote:Moat Guard: A Radam spider-crab
Gate Guard: Well if I had a Fortress of Evil big enough I'd take a Star Dragon from my gaming group's fuzion campaign, but then the damn thing's roughly the size of Alaska so probably not convenient if I want to keep the place secret.. so what the hell I'll take a mama Legion.

Indeed, there's no point when the guard is so big it could carry the fortress around on its back. Using such a dragoon as your terror enforcer of doom is another story.

Post by **Dalton** » 2002-12-29 05:08am

Moat guard? I'd say maybe a Dune sandworm, but we're talking water here...hmm...I'll go with thousands of hungry piranhas. As for gate guard...

BALROG!!!

Feel the burn!

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2002-12-29 05:13am

Moats can be dry, but you'd need some strong walls to keep the worm from leaving.

Post by **Dalton** » 2002-12-29 05:17am

Sea Skimmer wrote:Moats can be dry, but you'd need some strong walls to keep the worm from leaving.

Actually, no. What you do is line the moat's outer and inner walls with water. Like a sandwich. Sandworms can't escape since water kills them.

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2002-12-29 05:21am

But then you run the risk of a attacker blasting a chunk out and flooding the place. A minor one though.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2002-12-29 05:23am

How would the sandworm know there's water until he breaches the walls and finds out the hard way?

Post by **Dalton** » 2002-12-29 05:24am

Sea Skimmer wrote:But then you run the risk of a attacker blasting a chunk out and flooding the place. A minor one though.

*shrug* It was just a thought.

Post by **Dalton** » 2002-12-29 05:25am

Darth Wong wrote:How would the sandworm know there's water until he breaches the walls and finds out the hard way?

They can smell it. Have you ever read Dune? Sandworms are very sensitive. They can detect vibrations from a long way off and can smell water too.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2002-12-29 05:26am

It's been many, many years since I read Dune. I only remember the irritating plot device of the "slow blade passes" shields, since a sufficiently big concussion would render them moot and they were too stupid to think of this.

Post by **Dalton** » 2002-12-29 05:30am

Darth Wong wrote:It's been many, many years since I read Dune. I only remember the irritating plot device of the "slow blade passes" shields, since a sufficiently big concussion would render them moot and they were too stupid to think of this.

Ah, Dune shields. Which, when mixed with lasgun beams, makes a rather big boom. A rather stupid device I always thought. Which brings me to other gripes I've had about the Dune series, including the whole Duncan Idaho ghola thing, the Ixian no-ships, the bloodline of Paul Atreides...not to mention Miles Teg...

The Duchess of Zeon · Post by **The Duchess of Zeon** » 2002-12-29 05:56am

Darth Wong wrote:It's been many, many years since I read Dune. I only remember the irritating plot device of the "slow blade passes" shields, since a sufficiently big concussion would render them moot and they were too stupid to think of this.

The Harkonnens actually did deploy artillery.

Andrew J. · Post by **Andrew J.** » 2002-12-29 08:04am

Moat: Sharks with laserbeams.

Gate: Cthuga.

Falcon · Post by **Falcon** » 2002-12-29 09:49am

Moat: Sirens (from the Odyssey)

Gate: Can't be a balrog, cause as I recall they can speak and such, like when Gandalf fought one at the door in Moria... Gandalf also spoke to it on the bridge, which seems silly unless it could actually comprehend its peril. Dragons too are oft considered to be self aware (smaug). so...

The bunny rabbit from Monty Python, with no Holy Handgernade (tm) its invincible!