Parental Abuse Of Children and What to DO!?

Vampiress_Miyu · Post by **Vampiress_Miyu** » 2007-06-02 05:55pm

I have a slight dilemma...So, I have a question to ask of you.
If you were getting abused by one of your parents, would you report it to someone? I'm not talking severe and regular abuse here... I mean if every now and then, MAYBE once a month, one of your parents had a severe anger issue and hit you really hard once.

Before you flood the topic with responses telling me that you'd instantly report it, think about it long and hard. What if that parent was an important figure of a community, that many people looked up to and looked to for guidance and advice? What if that parent was essential in keeping the natural chaos of the household in slight check? What if that parent literally managed all of your family's finances? What if your family wasn't pleased that you told other people, other adults, and got that parent in trouble..? Would you still do it? Could you bear the fact that you ruined so many people's visions of that mother or father? Could you bear the chaos that it would cause for your family?

Opinions are much appreciated.

Aaron · Post by **Aaron** » 2007-06-02 06:00pm

It doesn't matter what other good things the parent does for you or for the community, he or she is still abusing a child and that is both morally wrong and legally wrong. I report it. No one should have to live in fear. Further more, children who are abused grow up and generally seek out partners who abuse them or abuse their children. Thus continuing the cycle, if a person has a chance to break the cycle they should seize it.

Vampiress_Miyu · Post by **Vampiress_Miyu** » 2007-06-02 06:18pm

...That's all well and good in theory... But... It can be awfully hard to act on that belief. x.x

Aaron · Post by **Aaron** » 2007-06-02 06:23pm

Vampiress_Miyu wrote:...That's all well and good in theory... But... It can be awfully hard to act on that belief. x.x

Yes but you have to ask yourself if you want to live in a house where you are being abused. If the answer is no than sooner or later than you must do something to safeguard yourself.

Can we get this moved to a less public location?

Big Phil · Post by **Big Phil** » 2007-06-02 06:27pm

Before I could answer I'd need more info. You (Vampiress_Miyu) are calling this abuse, and saying a parent hits you, but what exactly does that mean? Is it a slap (or punch) when they get stressed and lash out at you for no (good) reason, or are you coming home at 5 in the morning, drunk off your ass, and they haul you into the house by the scruff of your neck and smack you upside the head once or twice?

Highly biased, one sided (hypothetical or not) scenarios of this nature are fairly pointless; you've already biased everyone by calling this abuse.

If you're being abused, you should report it, of course. If you're being a silly, melodramatic emo teenager who's drinking, smoking, causing trouble, and generally making her parent's life a living hell, though, I have a lot less sympathy for you when a parent loses it and smacks you (hypothetically).

Post by **Cairber** » 2007-06-02 07:03pm

Can the victim also be the enabler? Some of the questions you ask seem to be straight out of an enabler's mouth (excuses for the abuser- they are high standing in the community, they keep the family together, etc).

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2007-06-02 07:23pm

My rule of thumb is - do you feel safe?

Admittedly, you have been doing the wild teenager thing to a certain extent, but not to the extent of coming at 5 in the morning, drunk off your ass.

I, personally, think there is reason for concern, as the fundie style of parenting does not appeal to me. You arent in the extreme style child abuse as far as I am aware, but I am concerned what with the hitting/needless emotional heckling.

Vampiress_Miyu · Post by **Vampiress_Miyu** » 2007-06-02 07:28pm

Sanchez, I've never been drunk in my life. The only time I've ever had alcohol was when my sisters forced me to have a sip or two of some raspberry vodka shit. I'm never smoking for as long as I live.. and I try my very best to not cause shit for my family. Granted, I'm having some issues with a course or two in school... and I'm currently grounded for lying to them about who I was going to the movies with... but I'm not a serious fuck up like that. If that was the case, I wouldn't even think about reporting it... because I'd be too damn wrapped up in my own issues to worry about a parent hitting me every now and then. It's not a punch, or a slap, it's more of a . . . thwack, I guess. Powerful shove or backhand. And the last time it was to the head.
I just started this topic because a few of my close friends are saying I should report it, and I'm not sure if I should.

I'm not giving anybody excuses of any sort, Carirber. I just don't want to get in over my head with some of this stuff. I personally don't feel like I should report it, because both my parents were abused as kids, bah... that's an excuse right there, isn't it? x.x; I... I just don't want to make a big deal of it. Sure, I get hit every now and then... and it's a big deal to me at the time, of course... but in the long run I can't help feel like I shouldn't report it.

Sorry, it was silly of me to start this... x.x I knew it'd cause some chaos... I just.. I wanted an outsiders opinion. -wonders if she's being 'emo' as Sanchez stated-

Post by **Cairber** » 2007-06-02 07:33pm

I should have read the other responses first. In my haste, i read this like a hypothetical and not a "this is really happening". My advice I guess would depend...for me, I would report it. I know it would really mess me up.

But I think I am thinking like a parent. I just can't imagine how horrible my kids would feel to be in your position. And, if I was them, I would want them to report and be safe from abuse.

Aaron · Post by **Aaron** » 2007-06-02 07:36pm

Generally it is considered unacceptable to physically punish your children once they are teenagers. And if you are actually being hit on the head then that is cause for concern as it is not to difficult to cause a concusssion. And I get the impression from you that it is escalating. That itself is cause for concern.

Mrs Kendall · Post by **Mrs Kendall** » 2007-06-02 08:14pm

It's your choice whether you report it or not but I'm going to say you should report it as well. There are other ways your parents can punish you that does not involve any physical contact. You are not safe where you are whether you want to believe that or not and I really urge you to report it if not to the police, at least to someone you know you can trust who will be able to stop it.

That or, depending on your age, move the hell outta there.

Please, whatever you decide to do try and stay safe. It doesn't take long for a situation like this to escalate and you could get seriously injured if not killed (judging by the smack to the head comment, it wouldn't take many of those).

If you do report it to anyone please be sure you are in a safe place and nowhere near the abuser. If the abuser finds out you told someone they could get angrier and more physical with you and that can happen really fast.

I honestly don't think you made a mistake starting the thread, if this is helping you think things through at least a little bit, then it was worth bringing it up.

If you need someone to talk to, I'm here, if you feel comfortable enough talking about it. I'll just say, I've had experience with this personally and looking back, I would have done things differently.

Jericho Kross · Post by **Jericho Kross** » 2007-06-02 08:37pm

My mom is not very likely to even try to hit me. Most likely due to the fact I can lift her up and throw her down without much trouble.

Mrs Kendall · Post by **Mrs Kendall** » 2007-06-02 08:40pm

Jericho Kross wrote:My mom is not very likely to even try to hit me. Most likely due to the fact I can lift her up and throw her down without much trouble.

And what does this have to do with the thread? I don't think it'll do any good to show her how manly you are by saying you can over take your mother when she most probably can't or won't feel safe to even try that in her situation. Which in reality is a bad idea anyway.

Please, this is serious, it's NOT a hypothetical situation.

Knife · Post by **Knife** » 2007-06-02 08:44pm

Honestly, report it. Not for any particular reason other than you seem to really not know what to do with it. Either you're being abused and you're removed, or you're not and you stay.

Granted, each action has their own pro's and con's, and both actions have shit you're going to have to live with, as will your parents. Either you're being abused and you get the saftey you need, or you're not and the social services will giggle at your over emo response and you stay at home.

brianeyci · Post by **brianeyci** » 2007-06-02 08:53pm

It's all good and well to say report it, but you have to consider the consequences to you. Fuck that shit about the community and whatever, who cares about what he's worth to other people. What happens to you? If they take you away from him, what will happen to you? Do you get anything out of it? I'm not talking about a sadistic feeling of getting revenge on your parents. It's going to be your word against his, so get some proof and maybe talk to someone who knows what happens when you report people. What do you think will happen if he figures out you did it? He can make your life a living hell. So either you have to make up your mind to go all the way and leave the family or stay. And I'm not going to tell you what to do, it's something you have to decide for yourself. You're going to trust lamers on the Internet with something like this? This will not be you reporting daddy then daddy suddenly stopping what he's doing. It will go on forever because he has the power and money and get a million times worse after you report him because he will know, or you will leave him forever.

I don't really know you. But unless you're seriously abused, anybody who wants to reveal himself on a public message board like this I'm already suspicious of being a troll. And I don't trust teenagers who "have issues" in courses in school or lie to their parents. Take that as you will. You won't get help on the Internet man, unless you're willing to completely open yourself up to strangers and trust me that's not a fun thing.

Stark · Post by **Stark** » 2007-06-02 08:55pm

Using 'if that parent was an important figure of a community, that many people looked up to and looked to for guidance and advice' highlights EXACTLY why this form of abuse is impossible to tolerate. These people abuse the trust of their children and everyone else: they are worse than simply violent.

That you 'ruined so many people's visions of that mother or father' is ANOTHER awesome reason to do it. These people are liars, and everyone who ignores abuse is enabling it. It's like not reporting a murder because the murderer was Jesus, when it's actually WORSE that it's someone important in your life.

Big Phil · Post by **Big Phil** » 2007-06-02 09:45pm

Vampiress_Miyu wrote:Sanchez, I've never been drunk in my life. The only time I've ever had alcohol was when my sisters forced me to have a sip or two of some raspberry vodka shit. I'm never smoking for as long as I live.. and I try my very best to not cause shit for my family. Granted, I'm having some issues with a course or two in school... and I'm currently grounded for lying to them about who I was going to the movies with... but I'm not a serious fuck up like that. If that was the case, I wouldn't even think about reporting it... because I'd be too damn wrapped up in my own issues to worry about a parent hitting me every now and then. It's not a punch, or a slap, it's more of a . . . thwack, I guess. Powerful shove or backhand. And the last time it was to the head.
I just started this topic because a few of my close friends are saying I should report it, and I'm not sure if I should.

Sorry, it was silly of me to start this... x.x I knew it'd cause some chaos... I just.. I wanted an outsiders opinion. -wonders if she's being 'emo' as Sanchez stated-

I don't know you and you don't know me, so my opinion is worth whatever you choose to value it at; I don't know if you're being emo or if you're completely sane and well behaved and your parents are assholes. I think Brianeyci got it right; this is a difficult decision that only you can make, and you need to think through the consequences before you make it. He's absolutely right; this isn't going to stop just and everything will be fine because you report it - things will get worse before they get better, and you need to be sure you're willing to pay the price, in loss of reputation, loss of a home, loss of friends, or whatever it might take. My parents never abused me, so I have no relevant advice for you, except to seriously think through your next course of action. Good luck whatever you choose to do.

Rye · Post by **Rye** » 2007-06-02 11:56pm

Hmm, in a situation like the one described, I'd tell the rest of the family and then we'd probably gang up on the person who was being a dick and force them to change or get chucked out. An idea would be to secretly record them doing it, get everyone on their side and sit the person down and talk to them about it in front of everyone. A problem with violence is super-lame, but if you're so dependent on them you really can't do without them, attempting to do some sort of "intervention" procedure seems sensible.

If your family don't side with you, report it.

darthbob88 · Post by **darthbob88** » 2007-06-03 01:21am

Depends on the situation, as Sanchez noted. Is this abuse because he's upset, because I have done wrong, or because he hates me and wants me to suffer? If it was the second, this is not abuse, this is discipline used to cement a lecture in my mind. If it's the last, it's definite, malicious abuse and I tell the authorities. If it's the first, I think about it, talk it over with him, and determine whether what he did is serious enough to justify letting the authorities rake him over the coals.

Flagg · Post by **Flagg** » 2007-06-03 04:18am

If it leaves a mark, then report it. I don't care if you were up all night shooting heroin into your fucking eyeballs, if a parent hits you in the head hard enough to leave a mark then they need to be dealt with by the police. That's not to say that not leaving a mark is any less horrible, but it becomes harder to prove and if the parent is truly considered an upstanding and important part of the community then reporting it may lead to worse things happening to you, expecially if you're not believed.

The really important thing that you need to realize is that your parents have no right to lay a hand on you in anger, ever. I don't care if you're a little emo punk (not saying you are), they're the adults and should act accordingly.

If other members of your family don't know this shit is going on, you may want to feel them out about this, without making any direct accusations. But I have a feeling they are perfectly aware of what is going on and simply don't find it objectionable.

I hope this helps.

Flagg · Post by **Flagg** » 2007-06-03 04:26am

Jericho Kross wrote:My mom is not very likely to even try to hit me. Most likely due to the fact I can lift her up and throw her down without much trouble.

The last time my mother hit me I told her if she ever did it again I was going to break her arm. Never happened again. Not easy to take your anger out on someone willing and able to fight back. Though honestly I can't really blame her for the times she hit me (I can count them all on one hand, so it wasn't a regular occurance) since I have the amazing ability to get under peoples skin and stay there pushing buttons until they pop.

Resinence · Post by **Resinence** » 2007-06-03 05:08am

darthbob88 wrote:Depends on the situation, as Sanchez noted. Is this abuse because he's upset, because I have done wrong, or because he hates me and wants me to suffer? If it was the second, this is not abuse, this is discipline used to cement a lecture in my mind. If it's the last, it's definite, malicious abuse and I tell the authorities. If it's the first, I think about it, talk it over with him, and determine whether what he did is serious enough to justify letting the authorities rake him over the coals.

Fuck you asshole. It's never OK to physically abuse you're child to "cement a lecture in their mind". Where the hell did you grow up, alabama?

OP: Is you're relationship with you're dad close enough that you can explain to him that it's a serious issue to you and that it's deeply effecting you? If not, or it continues you really should report it. Depending on alot of factors it could just come to counciling and might not turn out as bad as you think it will, you say you're parents were abused as kids. That has alot to do with it, it's a cycle. Do you want to be the same way as a parent? Reporting it is the best thing to do.

brianeyci · Post by **brianeyci** » 2007-06-03 08:58am

What pisses me off is that people are saying go report, and I think most people are saying this because they want to cover their own ass. What if this kid is really being abused? I wouldn't want to be responsible for the kid's death, oh noes

. Therefore, the only right idea is to tell him to report his daddy, to cover my own ass in case he's really being abused

.

When the right answer is to tell him to get his ass off his computer and find real help, not trust what stranger are saying. He basically presented a false dilemma... decide to report or not. Well I say neither of those choices, because I don't know enough to make a conclusion. Science doesn't always have to decide one way or another. If there's not enough information to make a rational decision, it's the "height of hubris" to decide one way regardless (yes, that is today's meme for the day, do a search for the PEAR lab thread.)

And if you didn't want a discussion from the point of science, why isn't this in somewhere like ARSE?

Mrs Kendall · Post by **Mrs Kendall** » 2007-06-03 09:28am

Brian, I think she posted it in here cause it's a morality issue on her part, or at least that's how she sees it.

It's all well and good that you're pissed at us for telling her to report it but if you'll notice, some of us are actually saying get to a safe place and then report it. I for one am not looking to cover my own ass, if I wanted to do that I wouldn't even bother posting in the fucking thread!
I'm trying to get her to a safe place, but I also know that it's her decision and nobody can force her to make it.

I also don't think she's a troll, I think this is a serious situation and nobody should make light of it no matter if it's a true story or some made up shit just to gain attention. I think it's too dangerous to dismiss it as you are.

metavac · Post by **metavac** » 2007-06-03 09:51am

This discussion seems to tie into the broader discussion of corporal punishment as a tool in child-rearing. Religious Tolerance addresses the issue at length, including a brief review of three surveys they consider to be conclusive in tipping the debate towards the critics of spanking and similar measures.

As for me, I put myself down in the not sure column. I don't know the specific circumstances alluded to in the first post and I can't tell if Miyu is being objective or not. I'm also not entirely convinced by the causal interpretation reached by either of the three specific surveys cited by Religious Tolerance and I'm not sufficiently impressed by the rates of pathology indicated to conclude anything stronger than corporal punishment is at least coincident with future pathological behavior.

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Parental Abuse Of Children and What to DO!?

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Parental Abuse Of Children and What to DO!?