Parental Abuse Of Children and What to DO!?

[Solauren]

The Fact you are even asking this question shows it's a problem.

Abuse is a cycle.

Not reporting abuse will have an effect on the abuse victim. It will color them for the rest of there life, and affect there relationships.

Report it. Period. Regardless of the persons social standing or anything like that.

NOT talking about things like that is what makes them big problems. They grow in secret, and continue on.

If it's you, and it sounds like it, go and report it immediately and ask to be put into protective custody.

Simple as that.

Hell, sometimes just reporting it as abuse is enough to make the abuser go 'oh shit, I'm going overboard.' With parents that are just a little two unintentunally firm, that's usually enough
(i.e doing what they think is a light slap for something that's slap-deserving, but in reality, the child isn't nearly able to take that)

Report it. Don't confront the abuser without reporting it first.

[defanatic]

I answered no, because I haven't. I probably should have though. They seem to give me alot more leniency now that I am legally an adult (and my father moved out of the house).

[Aaron]

What pisses me off is that people are saying go report, and I think most people are saying this because they want to cover their own ass. What if this kid is really being abused? I wouldn't want to be responsible for the kid's death, oh noes . Therefore, the only right idea is to tell him to report his daddy, to cover my own ass in case he's really being abused .

You have no fucking idea what you're taking about Brian. The advice I see given in this thread by myself, Mrs Kendall and others is the same advice given to abuse victims the world over. In fact in my volunteering with Vets with PTSD Mrs Kendall and I sometimes see wives and children with abuse issues and the advice is always the same: get yourself out and report it. If you have bruises, then get them documented. Often that is the wake up call for the abuser to stop what he's doing. Sometimes not. But the important thing to do is to get the abuse victim to a place of safety. If this means that she has to leave her family than she has to make that choice and live with it. There are womans shelters she can go to or foster care where they will keep her identity and location secret from her father.

And if you didn't want a discussion from the point of science, why isn't this in somewhere like ARSE?

This should probably be in ARSE or HOS, she probably just made a mistake.

[Cairber]

While this is probably a ways off (I dont know), but what if he abuses YOUR children, if you plan on having any. I guess that's another thing I see looking at this from the point of view of a parent.

[Knife]

You have no fucking idea what you're taking about Brian. The advice I see given in this thread by myself, Mrs Kendall and others is the same advice given to abuse victims the world over. In fact in my volunteering with Vets with PTSD Mrs Kendall and I sometimes see wives and children with abuse issues and the advice is always the same: get yourself out and report it. If you have bruises, then get them documented. Often that is the wake up call for the abuser to stop what he's doing. Sometimes not. But the important thing to do is to get the abuse victim to a place of safety. If this means that she has to leave her family than she has to make that choice and live with it. There are womans shelters she can go to or foster care where they will keep her identity and location secret from her father.

This should probably be in ARSE or HOS, she probably just made a mistake.

Actually, gah I can't beleive I'm agreeing with brian; I think he has a point with the false delimma. The devil is in the details as it were. However, I'm not saying that others like yourself and your lovely wife are wrong either, just hedging your bets as it were. It's what has been preached for many years now, signs of abuse....report it.

But I do think Brian has a point, in that we, with the exception of a couple of paragraphs of text, have absolutely no idea what happened. And I think he even touches on what I wrought in my response, in that 'reporting' does open up a huge can of worms. Do open the can if you are being abused, yet I think one should understand what 'reporting' will do to them and evenone around them.

Granted, if you are being abused, the consequences of reporting are trivial. But if it's a teenage 'I hate you I'm calling the cops' episode, then there are repercutions to ones actions that others have to bear. So I think he raises an interesting point.

[Aaron]

Actually, gah I can't beleive I'm agreeing with brian; I think he has a point with the false delimma. The devil is in the details as it were. However, I'm not saying that others like yourself and your lovely wife are wrong either, just hedging your bets as it were. It's what has been preached for many years now, signs of abuse....report it.

But I do think Brian has a point, in that we, with the exception of a couple of paragraphs of text, have absolutely no idea what happened. And I think he even touches on what I wrought in my response, in that 'reporting' does open up a huge can of worms. Do open the can if you are being abused, yet I think one should understand what 'reporting' will do to them and evenone around them.

Granted, if you are being abused, the consequences of reporting are trivial. But if it's a teenage 'I hate you I'm calling the cops' episode, then there are repercutions to ones actions that others have to bear. So I think he raises an interesting point.

Naturally one should be sure that this is actual abuse and not corporal punishment. But that's a debate for another time. And of course you should consider what your actions are going to do to you, you should never go off half-cocked as it were. It also depends on the law enforcement in your area, in Canada domestic violence is taken very seriously but the ramifications of making a false claim are also serious. What the laws are regarding this elsewhere are, I don't know. Some places seem to be blurred with the more favorable outlook on corporal punishment.

More info would be nice but I don't expect a full blow by blow account on a public webboard.

[Knife]

Naturally one should be sure that this is actual abuse and not corporal punishment. But that's a debate for another time.

Indeed. Though I can't resists a 'fuck you Dr. Spock'. Not directed at you though.

And of course you should consider what your actions are going to do to you, you should never go off half-cocked as it were. It also depends on the law enforcement in your area, in Canada domestic violence is taken very seriously but the ramifications of making a false claim are also serious. What the laws are regarding this elsewhere are, I don't know. Some places seem to be blurred with the more favorable outlook on corporal punishment.

The way I look at it, and it might not be the perfect analogy, is like rape. Someone who commits rape deserves to go to jail. That simple, and the same would go to an abused child. The flip side is the stigma a rapist gets (deservidly) can get placed on an innocent person and creates all sorts of problems for them and not just legal. Being accused, falsely, of child abuse is just as horrible as being accused of rape.

Not to mention all the side roads you could travel with it such as 'what entails abuse'? etc.

More info would be nice but I don't expect a full blow by blow account on a public webboard.

I don't expect one either. Whick I think Brian also pulled another good one out, instead of asking here, our young poster should probably be seeking more local an professional help.

[brianeyci]

Often that is the wake up call for the abuser to stop what he's doing.

Is this true? I thought it was generally accepted that abusers never change their behaviour.

Okay look I have no problem with the idea of telling all potential abuse victims, especially victims of child abuse, to go out and report their abusers. If the goal is to make abuse more transparent and get more abuse victims out there, the small problem of a whole bunch of emo kids coming out and wasting time is nothing compared to saving one real abuse victim from danger.

I was looking at this from another point of view, the logic way rather than the practical way. Like, people who don't like abortion keep telling pregnant women to have the child and shit it out and give it for adoption, totally ignoring the consequences of said pregnancy and the monetary costs associated with raising a child. So people who want to go to the police and report their family members should consider consequences too. I admit, for small children, such a line of thinking cannot be practical because children are completely at the mercy of their family and can't weigh consequences on their own. But he seems to be old enough to make decisions, consult friends and so on, so I don't have a problem reminding him to look at all the factors.

[Aaron]

I don't expect one either. Whick I think Brian also pulled another good one out, instead of asking here, our young poster should probably be seeking more local an professional help.

Indeed, there are numerous kids help hotlines she can call. I believe they are anonymous and their entire purpose is to offer free advice on matters such as these. Other avenues include school counsellors, althoug going that route may require the school to get involved legally if they think there is a threat to your safety.

[Vampiress_Miyu]

Fuck that shit about the community and whatever, who cares about what he's worth to other people. What happens to you? If they take you away from him, what will happen to you? Do you get anything out of it? I'm not talking about a sadistic feeling of getting revenge on your parents. It's going to be your word against his, so get some proof and maybe talk to someone who knows what happens when you report people. What do you think will happen if he figures out you did it? He can make your life a living hell. So either you have to make up your mind to go all the way and leave the family or stay. And I'm not going to tell you what to do, it's something you have to decide for yourself. You're going to trust lamers on the Internet with something like this? This will not be you reporting daddy then daddy suddenly stopping what he's doing. It will go on forever because he has the power and money and get a million times worse after you report him because he will know, or you will leave him forever.

I don't really know you. But unless you're seriously abused, anybody who wants to reveal himself on a public message board like this I'm already suspicious of being a troll. And I don't trust teenagers who "have issues" in courses in school or lie to their parents. Take that as you will. You won't get help on the Internet man, unless you're willing to completely open yourself up to strangers and trust me that's not a fun thing.

(this quote has had bits underlined by me that weren't underlined previously, this is to show a point I'm going to bring up)

brianeyci, you assume that both I and the parent in question are male. Why is that? Oh, sorry darthbob88, didn't get to your response yet... You also assumed genders. And Resinence too! It's odd how people assume that my father is the abuser.

You bring up interesting points.... and just so you're aware, I'm not asking for other people to be the answers to my problems... I just want to know what other people would do in a similar situation.

I personally don't think that it's bad enough to report it at the moment. Because although the last incident was definitely worse than previous ones, these incidents don't happen very often at all. Besides, I can understand why she's (YES, it's a mother and not a father. -.-) so stressed, I just don't understand why I'm the only one in the family she physically takes it out on. Admittedly, my sisters went through similar situations when they were my age, and they tell me that I have it easy when it comes to my parents compared to what they had to go through. . . I suppose I just tire of hearing most everybody take the almost immediate response of, "Of course I'd report it." It's not that easy, and it rarely ever is. I'm not trying to say that it's okay for her to hit me, because I really don't believe that at ALL... But I am saying that I don't want to make a big deal over something if it's not worth it, because it'll cause an unbearable amount of chaos for my life, my family's life, my church's life (because she's a retiring minister at our church, and really respected), and the lives of people connected to me, my family, and the church.
It's just a tough decision to make, and I wanted some opinions to help me think. I doubt very highly that it will get much more serious, but if it does I have a few friends who are willing to come pick me up and let me stay the night, or just rest and such.

Sorry for the long post. >.>; I just want to make things clearer...

[Vampiress_Miyu]

Also, I have talked to close friends about this. I would talk to my therapist or school guidance consoler...but I'm not sure of the consequences of that, so I'm rather hesitant.

[phred]

my general rule is if it leave a mark or causes some physical harm then its abuse and should be reported. Im all for corporal punishment but unfortunately theres a severe gray area between punishment and abuse depending on the circumstances and who you ask

[Vampiress_Miyu]

Yeah. So far she's only left a bruise once, at MOST twice, and those were just on my arms. . . Also, it was a while ago.

[Lord MJ]

I would say talk to your parent first. Tell her that you will not put up with physical abuse for any reason. But try to be polite and get at the root cause of the issue. If that doesn't work, and there is a great chance that it wont (most adults have irrational issues with their children criticizing them or talking down to them), then you should still try alternative methods before getting the law involved.

As mentioned before there are resources to talk to anonymously. Do you have any relatives (aunts, uncles) you can bring the matter to? Perhaps your parent will be more responsive to them.

Reporting should be a last resort, but if it comes to that, you should not hesitate if your safety is at risk.

[Mr. T]

Does your father know about your mothers abuse of you?

If not, what would his reaction be do you think?

[Solauren]

Yeah. So far she's only left a bruise once, at MOST twice, and those were just on my arms. . . Also, it was a while ago.

If you feel this could be a repeating thing, even in the slightest, report her.

Better hurt feelings that will get better, then lasting emotional scars.

Report it

[Vampiress_Miyu]

I would say talk to your parent first. Tell her that you will not put up with physical abuse for any reason. But try to be polite and get at the root cause of the issue. If that doesn't work, and there is a great chance that it wont (most adults have irrational issues with their children criticizing them or talking down to them), then you should still try alternative methods before getting the law involved.

I've tried telling her that, sometimes she thinks she wasn't okay in hitting me... but other times she'll apologize to me after listing all the reasons why she was justified in doing so. I definitely want to avoid the law getting involved, I'm just not sure what to do. It's hard to stay quiet about it, despite the rarity of the occurrences and such.

As mentioned before there are resources to talk to anonymously. Do you have any relatives (aunts, uncles) you can bring the matter to? Perhaps your parent will be more responsive to them.

Not really... My relatives all live in other countries....>.>

Reporting should be a last resort, but if it comes to that, you should not hesitate if your safety is at risk.

My saftey isn't really at risk. . . Not yet anyway, it most likely won't come to that. I mean, hell... I have it really easy compared to a lot of kids and abusive parents. It's almost silly to complain.

Does your father know about your mothers abuse of you?

Yeah, he does. One time, last week, after I got in a bit of trouble and they were starting to disucss and argue about the trouble, my mom demanded my cell phone... hit me when I didn't give it up, and then when I tossed the cell phone at her, he kind of shoved me towards the general direction of the sofa/chair.
That was a bad night, I can't remember him EVER doing that before. x.x; Normally he's all, 'oh... don't listen to your mother, you know she'd never hit you or hurt you... she just said something she shouldn't have!' This was new.
>.> It wasn't that bad, it was just really startling and well, to put it bluntly, left me emotionally shitty. But I wasn't like, bruised and beaten or anything like that.

[Elaro]

My dad sometimes (about once a month, like you) one-shot smacks my younger brother when he's talking at the same time as we're trying to watch TV, and it's usually out of frustration and annoyance.

Would I report him? Well, no. We always reproach him afterwards when he does it, my sister and I. And we outnumber him numerically and massively.

On the other hand, the incident you describe sounds more like bad parenting than human weakness. Sounds to me she hit because you were being disobedient, then because you were rebellious. Because the problem is not urgent, I wouldn't report yet. Instead, maybe you should talk to your parents about this and try to work some way to discuss more pacifically in the future?

If the violence becomes more common, like maybe once a week, then I would report.

[Vampiress_Miyu]

Yeah. That's what I've been hearing a lot of. >.>
I'm pretty sure I have a plan of what to do next time it happens. . . I almost feel silly for posting this and opening it up to so many people... -has issues keeping secrets when they involve herself-

[Big Phil]

Yeah, he does. One time, last week, after I got in a bit of trouble and they were starting to disucss and argue about the trouble, my mom demanded my cell phone... hit me when I didn't give it up, and then when I tossed the cell phone at her, he kind of shoved me towards the general direction of the sofa/chair.

And what, pray tell, were you getting in trouble about?

[Pick]

Usually, you can find hotlines for this kind of thing, and they would probably give you a better idea of what to do, since that's their professional obligation. They also don't know who 'you' are, so you wouldn't need to worry about privacy while you work this out.

I do recommend that you do this from a phone *not* at your home. Additionally, I recommend that you don't go to the school guidance counselor unless you sincerely trust him/her. They might have a rule of confidentiality, at least mine did, but sometimes they do break it--many a kid at my old school learned that when their parents magically suddenly knew things. It all depends on the counselor.

If nothing else, try to have a record of these events and keep your friends and/or other people you deeply trust informed. This provides you with a 'trail' of sorts, if it really comes down to that. People might not believe you unless you've established this in the past, no matter how honest you might be. People don't like to believe this stuff.

[Vampiress_Miyu]

Sanchez, for your information... I got in trouble for lying about who I went to the movies with. And the only reason I lied in the first place was because they considered a perfectly amazing friend of mine to be a sketchy person with very sketchy plans in mind for me when he was just giving me a ride home. I was REALLY unsure of how they'd react to the whole going-to-the-movies thing with him. Especially considering that there's about a 5-6 year difference in age. . . He's awesome though. -huggles-

[Big Phil]

Sanchez, for your information... I got in trouble for lying about who I went to the movies with. And the only reason I lied in the first place was because they considered a perfectly amazing friend of mine to be a sketchy person with very sketchy plans in mind for me when he was just giving me a ride home. I was REALLY unsure of how they'd react to the whole going-to-the-movies thing with him. Especially considering that there's about a 5-6 year difference in age. . . He's awesome though. -huggles-

If I had a teenage daughter going to the movies with a guy five or six years older than her, and lying about it, I'd have an issue with it too. I'd say your parents are rightly concerned about you and who you're hanging out with.

Regardless of what I think, though, this is your life and you need to live with your parents, not me.

[Knife]

Yes, I think I'd have a problem too. No matter how you cut it, say the girly is 14-15; still makes the little perv dude to be just shy of twenty. The interest in the young girl would reek of statutory rape to me, but then I'm a father so.....doesn't mean I'd beat you though. The guy? I might sic som of my boys on him, but not beat the girl.

[Vampiress_Miyu]

I'm over 15, thanks. . . and he's not just a random 20 year old or whatever. O.o He's the brother of my best friend. He's an awesome friend, and cares about me. It's nothing sketchy and weird. He drove me home from their dad's house one night after her ice show, and they thought he would do sketchy stuff. It's frustrating, and makes me not want to tell them who I hang out with.