Disturbing LotR fanfic written for kicks

[Napoleon the Clown]

Peregrine Took and Meriadoc Brandibuck stood before the enormous black and white mass towering before them. It looked almost like a fish, though with a girth in excess of the hobbits' height and a length of eight times either's height it was far larger than any fish they'd ever laid eyes or teeth on. And this gargantuan fish-like creature lacked gills or scales. Pippin, as Peregrine was more widely called, did recall tales of oceanic fish that lacked scales, but he had never seen them. Until possibly now. And on the top of the head of this creature was a gaping hole. As the tide lapped at the pair's feet the great beast let out a final belch of humid air.

“What do you think it is?” Merry inquired of Pippin.

“I'd say a feast for the Shire, but how could we get the entire body home? And butchering it here isn't an option. I don't have a blade half as big as we'd need.” A mischievous grin lit up his face. “But I do know a use we could put it to.”

“What use would that be?” Merry eyed Pippin askance, worried that the idea could put the pair in hot water for the seventh time this week. Still, it would probably be a load of fun.

“See that hole there?” Pippin pointed at the hole on the creature's head. “Me standing on your back while you're on hands and knees. A beautiful match. And just think, we wouldn't need to worry about staying in touch 'nor marrying the girl!”

“What are you-” An image flashed in Merry's head, stopping all speech and even thought of anything but that image. That would put the hole right level with Pippin's hips. Almost instantly that image was replaced by memories of childhood games between the two. Days when the two were just getting curious of things beyond food and toys but still afraid to talk to the girls their age. Unconsciously Merry rubbed at his bottom. Both were still too embarrassed to admit what happened between them all those years ago. Convincing Gandolf to use his wizardry to help them without letting on what really happened was a feat as well. Merry was still convinced Gandalf knew, even if he never said anything. It was in the looks he gave them, the amused smiles.

“Well, give me a boost then.” Pippin's voice interrupted Merry's less than pleasant memories. With a sigh Merry knelt down on hands and knees. Again memories of an awkward adolescence flashed through his head. The metal buckle of Pippin's belt bounced off Merry's head as the other hobbit dropped the garments they held to his ankles. “Still warm.” Pippin mumbled through a smile. Merry repressed a shudder as Pippin's thrusting became stronger and stronger. The other's mumbles and grunts crept closer and closer to groans as he continued the smooth undulation of his hips. Fur covered toes curled into Merry's back. Sobbing softly to himself, Merry tried to put his mind anywhere else.


That's it. I wrote it for shits and giggles in less than an hour, probably a lot less. The whole point was to make it as disturbing as I could.

[edited to fix a formatting fuck up] (After seeing the thread in the Senate forum, I apologize for this. It didn't occur to me that there'd be an issue. If there is a desire for it to removed, I will comply. Again, I apologize immensely for it and promise it will not happen again.)

[Norseman]

Seriously I had trouble figuring out just what the hell was going on, and quite frankly a whales blowhole is much too big. Unless of course it's a very small whale.

That said the good news is that whales are Halal, but according to Ayatollah Khomeini they should sell the meat in brie and not eat it in the shire.

[Flagg]

Dude, that is fucking awesome. Funniest fucking thing I've read in weeks!

[Uraniun235]

This reminds me of a thread at Something Awful based around people writing the most inappropriate erotic fanfiction for video games.

[Singular Quartet]

Wrong on sooooooo many levels. I love it.

[chitoryu12]

I'm trying to decide whether to say that I find it hilariously funny, or start putting up signs of the cross and praying to my god.