College and Parental Influence

[Non Catenatum]

I've got a little bit of a predicament...

I'm going away to college this fall, up at UC Berkeley. Unfortunately, thanks to the 1960's and 70's, the school has gotten a rep of "Ultra-liberal heathens"...a reputation that I wonder if it deserves beyond any other Public college. But that's another issue.

The church I've grown up in has a certain Ministry for "Parents with students going away to college." I'd heard that ministry advertised, and crossed my fingers hoping my parents wouldn't consider it. But alas, I recently found out that my mom has been contacting various churches in the area, and even gave me the e-mail address of a "Student to get you plugged into Christian groups."

I put it off for a few days, and found out today that he called my home to tell my mom that I hadn't contacted him yet.

Now, I know my mom has the best intentions, and is just worried that I'd somehow abandon my faith without her support. I have no bitterness against her--I can imagine a parent getting that sort of mindset, along with all the other worries of their kid leaving home.

But at the same time, I can't say I'm not frustrated. First, I'm just a little insulted, because I've always been quite a bit more mature than my peers, and my parents have always given me the benefit of the doubt. Secondly, I can't help but feel exasperated that this is the sort of well-intentioned thing that drives people to rebel at college age. The idea of having some "dude" simultaneously befriending students and calling their moms to tell of their progress, seems annoyingly superficial, and a bit suffocating.

My question is this: do you think this is an undue level of parental influence? Secondly, if it is, how should I respond without being disrespectful, but still not giving off the "rebellious" impression that they're worried about? If any of you are parents, what do you think would be the best reaction?

[Raw Shark]

This should probably be in ARSE.

My question is this: do you think this is an undue level of parental influence?

Yes.

Secondly, if it is, how should I respond without being disrespectful, but still not giving off the "rebellious" impression that they're worried about?

If I'm reading this right, you like being a Christian but you don't want to get stuck in the structured Jesus Bot social group to the exclusion of all others (and they will) now that you have options. If so, I think you should reaffirm to your parents that you agree with their spiritual beliefs and that their values are important to you, but express that you need more space than they're giving you.

They're not afraid that peer pressure will change you if you get in "the wrong crowd," they're afraid that you are the wrong crowd and just haven't realized it yet. Soothe that fear and they won't think it matters who you hang out with. I went to a school that makes UC Berkeley look like Oral Roberts University, and we didn't break any of the devoutly religious kids who didn't want to be broken.

Good luck!

[Non Catenatum]

This should probably be in ARSE.

Man, I think I've yet to post a threat and not have it be in the wrong forum. I really need to get the hang of this! As always when I screw up the forums, if ARSE is the better place for this (which it looks like it), any mods are welcome to move it.

If I'm reading this right, you like being a Christian but you don't want to get stuck in the structured Jesus Bot social group to the exclusion of all others (and they will) now that you have options.

Exactly--and furthermore, while I plan on attending a church while I'm up there, the last thing I want is for some guy posing as my friend to be calling home and giving my parents status reports.

They're not afraid that peer pressure will change you if you get in "the wrong crowd," they're afraid that you are the wrong crowd and just haven't realized it yet. Soothe that fear and they won't think it matters who you hang out with. I went to a school that makes UC Berkeley look like Oral Roberts University, and we didn't break any of the devoutly religious kids who didn't want to be broken.

This is true...but how do I soothe that fear? I've communicated to the best of my ability what my plans are, but they seem to think that, even if I have the best intentions, these precautions "won't hurt."

Good luck!

Thanks!

[rhoenix]

To me, a "friend" implies trust. If this guy is ratting your activities back to your parents without telling you, then I wouldn't call him a friend. I'd call him a babysitter.

People are meant to begin spreading their wings, flying on their own, and making their own decisions about the world. Most people don't want you to find your own answers - they want you to believe theirs. Find your own truth - explore, learn, make mistakes, and grow from them.

[Big Phil]

This should probably be in ARSE.

Man, I think I've yet to post a threat and not have it be in the wrong forum. I really need to get the hang of this! As always when I screw up the forums, if ARSE is the better place for this (which it looks like it), any mods are welcome to move it.

I wouldn't have put this in ARSE myself, but I'm not a mod. If one of them tells you it should be there, then you've got your answer.

If I'm reading this right, you like being a Christian but you don't want to get stuck in the structured Jesus Bot social group to the exclusion of all others (and they will) now that you have options.

Exactly--and furthermore, while I plan on attending a church while I'm up there, the last thing I want is for some guy posing as my friend to be calling home and giving my parents status reports.

You might want to tell your parents your plans then... going to church and all.

They're not afraid that peer pressure will change you if you get in "the wrong crowd," they're afraid that you are the wrong crowd and just haven't realized it yet. Soothe that fear and they won't think it matters who you hang out with. I went to a school that makes UC Berkeley look like Oral Roberts University, and we didn't break any of the devoutly religious kids who didn't want to be broken.

This is true...but how do I soothe that fear? I've communicated to the best of my ability what my plans are, but they seem to think that, even if I have the best intentions, these precautions "won't hurt."

In my experience (both as a teenager and listening to teenagers as an adult), most teenagers can't communicate worth shit, so to the "best of your ability" is likely the problem

I would suggest that you have a sit down conversation with your parents and ask them what concerns they have about you going away to college. Are they worried you'll start drinking, that you won't study, that you'll become an atheist, etc.? After they tell you what they're concerned about, ask them what you can do to alleviate their fears.

If what they'd like from you isn't over the line - here's a list of things that are WAY over the line:
1. Calling home every day to report in
2. Letting them have access to your email
3. Coming home every weekend (unless you're a big pussy and want to)
4. Joining a club/group against your will
5. Having your parents visit every weekend to check in on you (again, unless you're a big pussy)
6. Getting their permission to do things

- then chances are that just letting their air their concerns will help put a lot of these tensions to rest. Promise them you'll go to class, that you'll study, that you'll behave, and that you'll go to church if that's what you really intend to to. Whatever you agree to, and this is critical, make sure you follow through on it and actually do it.

DON'T promise things you have no intention of following through on, because your parents will find out eventually and you'll lose their trust. Remember, you are now legally an adult, and while you're still a dumbass (and will be for at least another 5-10 years) you do get to make your own decisions. Your parents are just concerned that you'll make really shitty decisions...

Oh, and my list of reasonable expectations from parents:
1. Call them periodically and let them know how things are going
2. Go to class
3. Don't waste your time and their money getting trashed 24/7 or playing video games - you're at college to get a degree, not to get drunk or play games. Do those in your free time
4. Befriend cool, interesting people who make you a better person - no parent wants to meet their children's friends and find out they're potheads with no ambition.

[Zaia]

This should probably be in ARSE.

Are you a mod? No? Then be quiet.



It sounds like this "friend" at college is just a nice version of a spy. And I have to ask, what good does your mom think your faith will do you if she's worried it will evaporate once you step on campus? This is normally the time kids stretch out, question, and figure things out for themselves. If you are to ever truly, solidly believe, you'll have to go through the questioning phase anyway (which I know you've done to some degree already, considering your name change).

Maybe you should think about having this talk with your mom, to let her know how you feel, what your faith means to you, and its future place in your life. If it isn't going to be as big a deal as it has been in the past, let her know you want to open yourself up to question things to better understand your faith. The people most secure in what they believe have done this, and I think it's better to be honest with her than to try to avoid the issue, unless you think she'll seriously have a meltdown or something.

And for the record, this is one of those threads that can go any number of places. I personally probably would've posted it in SLAM since the main crux is about religion, but it's ok to leave it here unless it turns mega-religious.

[Non Catenatum]

To me, a "friend" implies trust. If this guy is ratting your activities back to your parents without telling you, then I wouldn't call him a friend. I'd call him a babysitter.

People are meant to begin spreading their wings, flying on their own, and making their own decisions about the world. Most people don't want you to find your own answers - they want you to believe theirs. Find your own truth - explore, learn, make mistakes, and grow from them.

Completely agreed. What makes me dislike this "ministry" is that it is all about imposing beliefs, and being wary against the influence free-thought will have on college students. If anything, that seems like it damages its own cause.

[Raw Shark]

Are you a mod? No? Then be quiet.

Yes, ma'am.

[Non Catenatum]

You might want to tell your parents your plans then... going to church and all.

I've told them about this before.

In my experience (both as a teenager and listening to teenagers as an adult), most teenagers can't communicate worth shit, so to the "best of your ability" is likely the problem

I would suggest that you have a sit down conversation with your parents and ask them what concerns they have about you going away to college. Are they worried you'll start drinking, that you won't study, that you'll become an atheist, etc.? After they tell you what they're concerned about, ask them what you can do to alleviate their fears.

If what they'd like from you isn't over the line - here's a list of things that are WAY over the line:
1. Calling home every day to report in
2. Letting them have access to your email
3. Coming home every weekend (unless you're a big pussy and want to)
4. Joining a club/group against your will
5. Having your parents visit every weekend to check in on you (again, unless you're a big pussy)
6. Getting their permission to do things

- then chances are that just letting their air their concerns will help put a lot of these tensions to rest. Promise them you'll go to class, that you'll study, that you'll behave, and that you'll go to church if that's what you really intend to to. Whatever you agree to, and this is critical, make sure you follow through on it and actually do it.

DON'T promise things you have no intention of following through on, because your parents will find out eventually and you'll lose their trust. Remember, you are now legally an adult, and while you're still a dumbass (and will be for at least another 5-10 years) you do get to make your own decisions. Your parents are just concerned that you'll make really shitty decisions...

Oh, and my list of reasonable expectations from parents:
1. Call them periodically and let them know how things are going
2. Go to class
3. Don't waste your time and their money getting trashed 24/7 or playing video games - you're at college to get a degree, not to get drunk or play games. Do those in your free time
4. Befriend cool, interesting people who make you a better person - no parent wants to meet their children's friends and find out they're potheads with no ambition.

Sounds good to me. I definitely plan on having a talk with them very soon. That list seems very reasonable; #4 is at the top of my list .

[Non Catenatum]

It sounds like this "friend" at college is just a nice version of a spy. And I have to ask, what good does your mom think your faith will do you if she's worried it will evaporate once you step on campus? This is normally the time kids stretch out, question, and figure things out for themselves. If you are to ever truly, solidly believe, you'll have to go through the questioning phase anyway (which I know you've done to some degree already, considering your name change).

That is exactly what I want my college experience to be--if anything, having my faith still somewhat in the hands of my parents, would be more detrimental to it than freedom.

Maybe you should think about having this talk with your mom, to let her know how you feel, what your faith means to you, and its future place in your life. If it isn't going to be as big a deal as it has been in the past, let her know you want to open yourself up to question things to better understand your faith. The people most secure in what they believe have done this, and I think it's better to be honest with her than to try to avoid the issue, unless you think she'll seriously have a meltdown or something.

Thanks for the good words. It's hard to predict how she'd react: I certainly wouldn't have expected the current precautions, so I'm not sure what to expect. Hopefully this is due to being the first kid to "fly from the nest" and is more sentiment than principle. I tried talking to her about it once before, and she reacted well, but then later I found that she had immediately called my dad afterwards out of worry. Which is why I know I need to be very cautious to be nice about it.

Personally, I have no worries about college. I know I've got nothing to worry about with the drugs/alcohol pressure, and "free thought" and truth shouldn't ever be a threat. If there's any truth out there contrary to what I've learned, it'd be a shame not to find it. Not that I think my faith will be lost--but I certainly don't think it's reasonable to be afraid of what's out there. That makes for a very superficial set of beliefs.

[SpacedTeddyBear]

I've got a little bit of a predicament...

I'm going away to college this fall, up at UC Berkeley. Unfortunately, thanks to the 1960's and 70's, the school has gotten a rep of "Ultra-liberal heathens"...a reputation that I wonder if it deserves beyond any other Public college. But that's another issue.

The church I've grown up in has a certain Ministry for "Parents with students going away to college." I'd heard that ministry advertised, and crossed my fingers hoping my parents wouldn't consider it. But alas, I recently found out that my mom has been contacting various churches in the area, and even gave me the e-mail address of a "Student to get you plugged into Christian groups."

I put it off for a few days, and found out today that he called my home to tell my mom that I hadn't contacted him yet.

Now, I know my mom has the best intentions, and is just worried that I'd somehow abandon my faith without her support. I have no bitterness against her--I can imagine a parent getting that sort of mindset, along with all the other worries of their kid leaving home.

But at the same time, I can't say I'm not frustrated. First, I'm just a little insulted, because I've always been quite a bit more mature than my peers, and my parents have always given me the benefit of the doubt. Secondly, I can't help but feel exasperated that this is the sort of well-intentioned thing that drives people to rebel at college age. The idea of having some "dude" simultaneously befriending students and calling their moms to tell of their progress, seems annoyingly superficial, and a bit suffocating.

My question is this: do you think this is an undue level of parental influence? Secondly, if it is, how should I respond without being disrespectful, but still not giving off the "rebellious" impression that they're worried about? If any of you are parents, what do you think would be the best reaction?

Berkeley isn't really ultra-liberal, but if you come from some of the more conservative areas in the midwest, then I can see where that reputation garners from. The place certainly leans towards the left, there is no question about that, but it is far from being "ultra-liberal". If you were going to UC Santa Cruz, then that maybe would be another issue.
Anyways, from what few times that I've traveled up to Berkeley, the place looks to be your typical college town.

Don't hold any hard feelings towards mom, she's doing the typical mom thing when the chick is about to leave the nest. However, what this ministry character did looks a bit shady to me. If he had called your mom up and ask permission to speak to you without noting that you haven't contacted him, than that at least show some good character on his part. Instead, he went over your head, and forced this onto you. This particular issue doesn't seem to be one of faith per say, but how the people involved so far have treated you with respect as an adult/individual.