Scotland: Quest for the Deep Fried Mars Bar Failure (no 56k)

Bounty · Post by **Bounty** » 2007-09-10 04:52pm

I have returned from my quest, bringing touristy photos of Scotland's biggest craphole Glasgow and it's less decaying sibling ScotlandLand. Or Edinburgh, as it used to be known. In these travels I have learned that every Scottisch cliché and stereotype is based on cold, hard fact: men do walk around in skirts with no underwear trying to pretend they're not tartan crossdressers, the mumbly mess of syllables that passes for Scottish is as far removed from English as Swahili and half as intelligible, a Scottish breakfast is a slow and nauseating way to commit suicide-by-clogged-artery and wherever you go, someone's playing a goddamned bagpipe. Or, as we started to call them, "Satan's flatulence".

Now, images:

This was pretty cool: steampunk ISD!

The Necropolis. By far the best attraction of the city: a decaying and crumbling Victorian cemetery on a large hill with a spectacular view of the surrounding area. Lovely.

The turning tower thing at the Science Mall.

Pigeon shit.

Edinburgh Castle in the distanhce. A steep walk and expensive to visit but oh-so-worth-it.

Penile Compensator Mk III

The old prison and a ship model made by the inmates in their spare time.

And finally the Scott monument.

I never did find that deep-fried Mars bar, but I got to spend a few days in a city that makes me yearn for the tranquil random stabbings of Brussels and one day in what must be the most desperate tourist trap this side of Vegas. The warnings about Glasgow were true, by the way: we were told on the train ride to central Station to just give up on sightseeing and instead get piss-drunk. Told by the train's conductor, mind you.

Recommended: Necropolis, Edinburgh Dungeon, National Galleries, Dragoon museum, Scotch, Pizza Hut off St Enoch station.

Edinburghians, you're giving Disney a run for it's money when it comes to overdoing a theme.

Glaswegians, I bid thee farewell and mourn for your miserable life.

Big Orange · Post by **Big Orange** » 2007-09-10 05:52pm

I hear many horror stories about Glasgow, with its thriving "Ned" culture of young yobs that make English Chavs look like choir boys in comparison (there is a dedicated website about Neds called Glasgow Survival > http://www.glasgowsurvival.co.uk) and miles upon miles of concreat bunkers - my dad went to Glasgow once in the 1970s and said the pubs there were fortified like beach pillboxes.

I've also been to Belgium on two occasions in the mid to late 1990s, staying in those holiday resorts where they have the swimming pool under a big glass dome (heard of those places?).

Crossroads Inc. · Post by **Crossroads Inc.** » 2007-09-10 06:20pm

Bounty, would you know where I could find a good Aerial shot of Edinburgh Castle

andrewgpaul · Post by **andrewgpaul** » 2007-09-10 07:11pm

BO, that was the seventies; everything looked like a concrete pillbox then.

There's nothing wrong with Glasgow. Edinburgh's full of Englishmen and wierdos during the festival, and it's too damn vertical, but apart from that, it's a good place to be.

As for the neds and violence, Bounty, take it back, or it's you and me, square go in the carpark

we were told on the train ride to central Station to just give up on sightseeing and instead get piss-drunk. Told by the train's conductor, mind you.

Bah. The loon was probably from Edinburgh

Sightseeing? Well, you covered the City Chambers and the Necropolis (shamefully, I've never actually wandered round it, myself). There's also Kelvingrove and the various art galleries if you're feeling cultured, plus the Burrel collection, the People's Palace and others. Most of the pubs won't lead to you being stabbed, despite what some people think, and it has, IIRC, more parkland per head of population than anywhere else in Britain. Plus, we have a remarkably mild climate for the latitude (level with Moscow, slightly north of Alberta, Canada).

Now that I come to think about it, I've lived here all my life, but I've hardly ever been to most of the tourist attractions. Really oughta do something about that, I suppose.

Oh, and if you're really sick of the city, it's less than an hour by train from the edge of the HIghlands.

Phantasee · Post by **Phantasee** » 2007-09-10 11:33pm

Nice pictures, I should keep those points in mind if I ever find myself in the land of kilts and pipes (I love pipes, and I wish I could still fit into my kilt from junior high).

And what's this about you being north of Alberta? The northern border is at the 60th parallel. That's damn near the tree line.

The Grim Squeaker · Post by **The Grim Squeaker** » 2007-09-11 01:04am

Awesome pictures and some cool stuuf. BUT! Did ye eat a Haggis laddie?

Bounty · Post by **Bounty** » 2007-09-11 03:33am

I didn't try the haggis.

We didn't really feel that insecure in Glasgow. In three days we only saw one chase-and-arrest (two cops and a car vs a pillock with ginger hair) and even with football( rugby?) fans flooding the city everything was pretty quiet. And then you get to the airport and find that all books on Glasgow are about the gangs and the crimelords

Sightseeing? Well, you covered the City Chambers and the Necropolis (shamefully, I've never actually wandered round it, myself). There's also Kelvingrove and the various art galleries if you're feeling cultured, plus the Burrel collection, the People's Palace and others.

We had those on the longlist but there just wasn't enough time. That and the art collections got vetoed by the barbarians I travel with.

Plus, we have a remarkably mild climate for the latitude

Yeah, what's up with that? I go to Scotland and I expect rain and drizzle, not sunshine!

everything looked like a concrete pillbox then.

Glasgow looks like it's halfway through a rejuvenation and got stuck. The area around Central Station is almost brand-new, or at least renovated, but once you get to Merchant City it all goes a bit downhill again. Weird.

I've also been to Belgium on two occasions in the mid to late 1990s, staying in those holiday resorts where they have the swimming pool under a big glass dome (heard of those places?).

That's either Sunparks (crap) or Center Parcs (great). Both are large parks with bungalows and a dome in the centre with a giant swimming pool, sports courts, shops and restaurants.

would you know where I could find a good Aerial shot of Edinburgh Castle

Google Earth perhaps?

andrewgpaul · Post by **andrewgpaul** » 2007-09-11 04:23am

By the way, where did you see that Star Destroyer model? Never seen it before.

As for football, you're only likely to get trouble with a local soccer match. Even then, the odd fight in a pub is pretty much it. Internationals, or any other sport, no problem. There's a reason why England got banned from international matches in the 80s and Scotland didn't. The worst you'll get from the Tartan Army is a guy in a kilt wanting to be your friend

Bounty · Post by **Bounty** » 2007-09-11 04:36am

By the way, where did you see that Star Destroyer model? Never seen it before.

Red 5 gadgets, on Sauchiehall. Two doors down from the main entrance to Buchanan galleries.

The Spartan · Post by **The Spartan** » 2007-09-11 07:59am

Bounty wrote:I didn't try the haggis.

What did I tell you about haggis? Didn't I tell you to try it? Didn't I?!

You fail Scotland!

Bounty · Post by **Bounty** » 2007-09-11 08:14am

The Spartan wrote:
Bounty wrote:I didn't try the haggis.
What did I tell you about haggis? Didn't I tell you to try it? Didn't I?!

You fail Scotland!

If you told me after I made my last post Thursday, I couldn't read it

And do you know what these freaks eat? Warm beans, warm tomatoes, two eggs, a slab of warm ham, a rack of toast, a sort of pancake from from potatoes and tea. For breakfast. All of it. Every day. It was good, no complaints there, but I don't even want to know what they think of when you say "dinner".

Bounty · Post by **Bounty** » 2007-09-11 12:19pm

Forgot this one I took on the Necropolis;

Dining tips... from beyond the grave!

The Spartan · Post by **The Spartan** » 2007-09-11 01:03pm

Bounty wrote:If you told me after I made my last post Thursday, I couldn't read it

And do you know what these freaks eat? Warm beans, warm tomatoes, two eggs, a slab of warm ham, a rack of toast, a sort of pancake from from potatoes and tea. For breakfast. All of it. Every day. It was good, no complaints there, but I don't even want to know what they think of when you say "dinner".

Sounds good to me. A bit much, but good nonetheless. (And if I'm not mistaken that pancake is what they call a crumpet)

And yes, I know what they think of when you say dinner. My mom's from Barhead (pronounced bar-HEED). Haggis, for example, is the heart, lungs and liver of a sheep chopped up and mixed with onions and oats and then stuffed into the stomach and boiled. That'll put hair on your chest, lad!

EAT IT! You know you want to.

Bounty · Post by **Bounty** » 2007-09-11 01:12pm

Sounds good to me. A bit much, but good nonetheless.

It took me three days to get used to it.

EAT IT! You know you want to.

We wanted to, believe me, but where can you find it?

The Spartan · Post by **The Spartan** » 2007-09-11 01:13pm

Bounty wrote:
EAT IT! You know you want to.
We wanted to, believe me, but where can you find it?

I don't know. I haven't been there in 20 years.

Dartzap · Post by **Dartzap** » 2007-09-11 01:14pm

Looks like you had a half decent time

Where next? Cardiff?

Did you get to enjoy our other TV channels as well?

Dartzap · Post by **Dartzap** » 2007-09-11 01:16pm

Bounty wrote:
Sounds good to me. A bit much, but good nonetheless.
It took me three days to get used to it.

EAT IT! You know you want to.
We wanted to, believe me, but where can you find it?

You didn't go near a pub? Or a cafe? or restaurant? Or, dare I say it, the supermarket?

Bounty · Post by **Bounty** » 2007-09-11 01:17pm

Where next? Cardiff?

That was plan B. Glasgow was C.

Did you get to enjoy our other TV channels as well?

Four channels of Sky Sports and a bizarre Scottish sitcom about stealing monkeys from half-naked S&M-obsessed guards lathered in grease? Yes. Until the circuit breaker of the TV lounge blew, anyway.

You didn't go near a pub? Or a cafe? or restaurant? Or, dare I say it, the supermarket?

Restaurant? We were on a budget, man! I looked for Haggis signs, but the closest we got was some sort of designer faux-haggis at the airport that cost an arm and a leg.

Dartzap · Post by **Dartzap** » 2007-09-11 01:21pm

Wow, even for one as jaded as me, i didnt realise they quite that bad. Did you hear the infamous "Except for viewers in Scotland"? I hear thats a great cause for riots

As for Cardiff: Give it a go, I've been a few times, and its getting better and better the more I go.

Edit: Budgets, The UK and Tourists do not coexist. The day a tourist brings enough money is the day we stop hating the French.

Bounty · Post by **Bounty** » 2007-09-11 01:33pm

Edit: Budgets, The UK and Tourists do not coexist. The day a tourist brings enough money is the day we stop hating the French.

That explains the £6.99 pens.

You can do the UK on a budget, I've never spent more than £300 per trip. You have to do some research, sleep cheap and buy your food in supermarkets, but it's possible.

Did you hear the infamous "Except for viewers in Scotland"? I hear thats a great cause for riots

Nah, we were lucky enough to get Jonathan Ross.

By the way, the ISD wasn't the only super-advanced starship we spotted:

Big Orange · Post by **Big Orange** » 2007-09-13 09:52am

Bounty wrote: Glasgow looks like it's halfway through a rejuvenation and got stuck. The area around Central Station is almost brand-new, or at least renovated, but once you get to Merchant City it all goes a bit downhill again. Weird.

They're trying to flush more money into Glasgow and I doubt most of it is that bad, since you get crappy urban areas all over Britain (including Bristol). You should heed Dartzap's advice and visit Cardiff, I've been there just a couple of years ago and they've done the whole place up real good (yes I've been round the ultra-modern square that is built above that Torchwood loony bin

).

That's either Sunparks (crap) or Center Parcs (great). Both are large parks with bungalows and a dome in the centre with a giant swimming pool, sports courts, shops and restaurants.

I went to a "great" Center Park in Britain over a decade ago, but went to two "crap" Sunpark resorts - I would say Center Park is notably better, but I saw nothing wrong with Sunparks except they had relatively older and less flashy resort facilities.

And speaking slightly weird TV from Scotland: in Belgium you had TV channels with strong sex, violence and language content broadcast right in the middle of the day. Belgium is also alleged to have no form of movie censorship and age rating system what so ever.

Bounty · Post by **Bounty** » 2007-09-13 12:10pm

Belgium is also alleged to have no form of movie censorship and age rating system what so ever.

We do have an age rating system for movies:

KT - children allowed

KNT - no children allowed

No-one really knows who makes the distinction and I've never been asked for ID, either. Parents decide what their kids can watch.

As for TV, there is a sort-of rule that sex and violence are reserved for late-night and that non-child friendly movies are advertised as such, but that's about it.

Dartzap · Post by **Dartzap** » 2007-09-13 01:16pm

I think I'll have to zoom over to Brussels one day. The fact they all speak better English than most of the bastards over this side of the channel is quite appealing.

And Bounty, this was what? Your third, fourth jaunt across the channel? Your not going to try and... live here are you? Stay in Brussels! Your sanity will be protected! And your arteries!

Bounty · Post by **Bounty** » 2007-09-13 01:23pm

Third. And I avoid Brussels whenever possible, it's not a fun place to be.

As for moving over, don't count on it - queueing is fun for five minutes, but as long as I can get English TV here I won't be subjecting myself to tea and beans any more than is strictly necessary.

Admiral Valdemar · Post by **Admiral Valdemar** » 2007-09-13 01:23pm

At last! An excuse to post this.