joys of religion (humor)

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-01-16 12:15pm

National News
Wednesday, June 19 10:54 AM EDT
Blind Kid Sorry He Masturbated
By Avi Muchnick

Waukesha, WI-- A local sinner learned his lesson the hard way Tuesday, when God took away his vision as a punishment for touching himself, according to neighborhood sources.

Since childhood, parents and school administrators at St. Mary's School of Our Saintly Mother have repeatedly warned students that they'd be struck blind if they sinned with themselves but sinner Jeffrey Gould, 16, apparently chose to blindly ignore God's warnings and was paid in full retribution for his dirty deed.

"He was obviously an evil child," said Sister Linda Dale, who said Gould's deed was brought to her attention Tuesday, when the blinded teenager joined the class for the first time after recently moving from Connecticut. "It serves him right for sinning."

Jeff has not expressed regret for his actions or said if he could take it all back he would. Either way it's too late for that Jeffrey! Ha ha, you're blind!

And that's not all: Gould can expect the following additional punishments for his abominable act:

40 lashes by the Heavenly Courts.
Withered up sexual organs.
Eternity in Hell with the Sodomites.
Loss of feeling in his right hand.
Sits in the special masturbator section of Church.
Use of handicapped parking spaces.
Excommunication.
Death, instant and painful.
And more!
"What are you talking about?" said Jeffrey, when asked about his awful deed. "I was blinded in a car crash when I was four. What's the matter with you sick people?"

Ho, ho Jeff. If we're so sick, then why aren't WE blind?

"I can't take this anymore," shouted Jeff. "Leave me the f--- alone!"

Uh oh Jeff. You just allowed Satan to enter your mouth. For swearing, Gould can expect the following holy retributions:

Stoning.
Tongue shrivels up.
He will never marry.
Excommunication.
Death, instant and painful.
And more!
The sinner's family could not be reached for comment, as they were probably too busy molesting each other.

http://www.bbspot.com/News/2002/06/blind.html

The Dark · Post by **The Dark** » 2003-01-16 04:55pm

LOL...even I cracked up over that one. The scary thing is that some people probably actually do think that way.

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2003-01-16 07:45pm

Very funny, made funnier by the fact that some people still believe that kind of stuff.

Fundies don't like masturbation for some reason. For centuries, they were saying masturbation would lead to illness, and they probably still did so after evidence to the contrary was shown. Also, does the Bibe condemn masturbation?

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-01-16 08:03pm

in the first five books, it says nocturnal emissions makes you unclean. I vaguely remember. people made connections.

SyntaxVorlon · Post by **SyntaxVorlon** » 2003-01-16 08:28pm

Lol
I can't say anything really original here, but:
I'll do it until I need glasses.

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-01-16 08:38pm

I wear glasses, so, nothing to lose! yes!

The Dark · Post by **The Dark** » 2003-01-16 09:19pm

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi wrote:Also, does the Bible condemn masturbation?

Maybe. I'm not sure what the translation of a few Greek words are (I don't read Greek well yet), but I'm pretty sure one of the words translates out to either masturbation or fornication (I've seen it elsewhere translated...now if I could just remember where

).

Darth Yoshi · Post by **Darth Yoshi** » 2003-01-17 12:14am

Enforcer Talen wrote:I wear glasses, so, nothing to lose! yes!

Same here! Besides, I've masturbated for years, but my vision started slipping in the 2nd grade (ah, the wonders of Super Mario World)

Exonerate · Post by **Exonerate** » 2003-01-17 12:38am

The Dark wrote:
Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi wrote:Also, does the Bible condemn masturbation?
Maybe. I'm not sure what the translation of a few Greek words are (I don't read Greek well yet), but I'm pretty sure one of the words translates out to either masturbation or fornication (I've seen it elsewhere translated...now if I could just remember where ).

Its in a verse where God killed a guy after he masturbated... However, I think it was done because he did something else... I'll look for the exact verse.

Exonerate · Post by **Exonerate** » 2003-01-17 12:42am

"But fornication and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is fitting among saints...Be sure of this, that no fornicator or impure man, or one who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for it is because of these things that the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience...Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is a shame even to speak of the things that they do in secret; but when anything is exposed by the light it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light." (Eph. 5:3-13)

Thats all I can find for now... I this isn't the verse I was talking about, but its related.

GrandMasterTerwynn · Post by **GrandMasterTerwynn** » 2003-01-17 01:40am

Exonerate wrote:
The Dark wrote:
Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi wrote:Also, does the Bible condemn masturbation?
Maybe. I'm not sure what the translation of a few Greek words are (I don't read Greek well yet), but I'm pretty sure one of the words translates out to either masturbation or fornication (I've seen it elsewhere translated...now if I could just remember where :? ).
Its in a verse where God killed a guy after he masturbated... However, I think it was done because he did something else... I'll look for the exact verse.

Actually, I think God offed the guy because he refused to impregnate his dead brother's wife.

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2003-01-17 08:42am

This is why I like BBSpot more than the Onion.

The Dark · Post by **The Dark** » 2003-01-17 02:32pm

GrandMasterTerwynn wrote:
Exonerate wrote:
The Dark wrote:Maybe. I'm not sure what the translation of a few Greek words are (I don't read Greek well yet), but I'm pretty sure one of the words translates out to either masturbation or fornication (I've seen it elsewhere translated...now if I could just remember where ).
Its in a verse where God killed a guy after he masturbated... However, I think it was done because he did something else... I'll look for the exact verse.
Actually, I think God offed the guy because he refused to impregnate his dead brother's wife.

Yeah, you're right, I know the passage too. It was something about a law where if a man died without heirs, his younger brother was supposed to marry the first brother's wife. The younger brother in this case didn't want to beget children that wouldn't be his heirs, so he was smitten for his selfishness.

Setzer · Post by **Setzer** » 2003-01-17 03:46pm

If that were true, I would have gone blind when I first started, doing it 3 times in 1 night. Now I quit after the first orgasm.
I do wear glasses however, so maybe God's just procrastinating about striking me blind.

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-01-17 08:42pm

I remember first time, I felt so guilty. . . heh. bible gets so inconvenient at times.