Biggest real-life loser you know

[MJ12 Commando]

Well, my loser story isn't very good, but... let's go for it anyways.

This guy, let's call him "Chris"...

1. Is an obese 'tard. He's about 120 kg and my height, and I was, back then, well into the overweight segment of fat percentile. I've gotten better since then, but he, from what I've heard, hasn't.

2. Tries to be an overachiever but fails miserably. Back in my Junior and Sneior years, he, no shit, BEGGED to be let into AP English and AP Calculus. Our school rolled over like usual, this being the US, and he managed to totally fuck up the courses, only surviving with Cs because our teachers were very, very kind people in the case of English, and for Calculus, the curve was logarithmic. Getting a 30% might have gotten you a C, but getting a 70% got you a B+.

3. Cannot speak English well. He has a horrible slur and a distinct Chinese accent despite being born in the US. I came to the US when I was young, rather than being born here, and I speak perfect, flawless English. It isn't hard. Admittedly his parents have a strong accent, but so do mine. Hell, when I was being raised my parents barely even knew how to speak English, they could only write it. His English has not changed since 4th grade. I've read samples of his writing and they are... shit. I mean basic grammatical mistakes shit.

4. Along with that, doesn't realize just how hard he fails. The nicest people I know only go along with him because he's unintentionally hilarious, but he thinks it's because he's awesome. He honestly applied to Harvard and Yale and thought he might get in. This was when the college application counselor told me, and he did in fact overhear it, that I probably wouldn't have much of a chance, and I was pretty much the second best qualified person in the senior class. He also kept bragging about his brains and how good he was. He's at some no-name institute of technology now, I'm at UCLA. Take that.

5. Managed to get a girlfriend... somehow (yeah, okay, he's better than I in this respect, me never managing to do so despite having several fairly close female friends and several more acquaintances) and broke up with her because it was "too boring". I believe the story from one of my friends is he tried to kiss her but couldn't manage to. Or something like that.

6. Is a total whiny brat. Bumping into him when running in PE is apparently "assault", among other things.

7. Like I said, he's a total and shameless braggart. He says he "didn't study" for any exam, even though I know he did in fact study for far longer than necessary, just so when he inevitably fucks it up he has an excuse. He brags about how he got into all the AP classes, despite having to beg to get in. He brags about how he's on the football team, despite being there only because he's huge and we have no really good players. And despite everyone on the team making fun of him.

8. He joined every sports team our school had in his first year. He was kicked out of all of them except football, and that's only because our football team sucks so much ass they could have taken the cheerleading team, put them in the football team's place, and chances are they'd have done just as well if not better.

9. He's a pathological liar and crybaby, tying into #6, who almost destroyed my entire life because I was a competitor. In my first year of high school, he said I sexually assaulted him in the pool. Now, seeing as I'm straight, I'm not some kind of serial rapist, and why would anyone sane want to sexually assault him of all people, I don't know why this would be a problem. Oh, and where's the proof I did anything besides, you know, what we were told to do? But because crying "Sexual assault!" is enough to cause some sort of uproar, his parents had to be called in, mine had to, and I was this close to having a heart attack. Fortunately his parents are far better people than he is (damn those good genes gone bad) and forced him to not press charges. The slightest provocation by anyone, he threatened to sue or press charges.

This repeated throughout my second, third, and fourth years, with him always trying to get me arrested on some sort of felony charge and his parents always having to go and TELL HIM that if he pressed charges he was a fucking idiot because ruining some guy's life and future is one of the best ways to create a murderer. And I really think the guy needed some killing.

Not as good a story as your guys were (thanks people!) but well, that's the biggest loser I know.

[Kamakazie Sith]

I don't know him, but it made me crack-up and immediately reminded me of this thread.

[picture removed]

Fortunately, I'm unable to meet the requirements of the OP and make a wholly on topic post.

Good pick...

His name is Curtis Allgier. He murdered a sixty year old corrections officer while at the University for a MRI. Mistakes made by the state aside this asshole overpowered the corrections officer and then shot him twice with the officers own weapon.

[The Yosemite Bear]

hmm my stepbrother Andy?

the "best" thing I have to say about him, he's a good source of spare parts for our sister. (ok, she's my step sister as well, but I am very protective of her)

The good side: Donated part of a liver, & bone marrow to sis, helping her survive childhood with Agent Orange related health problems. (which has allowed her to become an adult and a mother) Also donated blood more than once when she's needed surgery. (I'm A-, they are in no way compatable with me)

Was a mysogynistic fucker when we we're teens.
used to steal our sister's Ritlin to get high (teens)
has been abusing legal amphetamines since we were pre-teens

Joined the Marine Corps and somehow passed the drug test, despite being a tweaker.

Busted down in rank for pistol whipping a drunk officer when he was speeding on guard duty.

Got a 14 year old pregnant.

Beat her when she started cheating on him because she didn't like his violent mood swings from his anphetamine addiction. (actually sent her to the hospital bad)

in 2001 or 2002 he finally was dishonerably discharged after completing his sentance at Levenworth. (Assualt, drug possession, conduct unbecomming etc)