[HUMOR FANFIC] "Ass-hol"

[RayCav of ASVS]

There has been a lot of talk in regards to Graham Cracker's fanfic, so I thought I'd capitalise and write a parody. Enjoy:)

Foreword

This story is for mocking purposes only – I was trying to mock that piece of shit Graham Cracker calls a “fanfic,” not to depict what would actually happen in a Star Wars vs. Star Trek conflict. In “reality” (one has to wonder if Graham Cracker truly knows the difference!), I think Star Wars would wipe Star Trek’s ass all over the universe, but that’s been beaten to death anyway.

All parts of the story correspond with Graham Cracker’s. If you find any discrepancies in the timeline, you can go fuck a hat.

This story is strictly non-canon, and I have gone out of my way to make it so. I have made every part of this story to be as much BS as possible. In regards to canon, well – fuck canon, this is my fanfic and I’ll write whatever shit I want! If you don’t like it than that’s your prerogative, but don’t bother e-mailing arguments to me because frankly I don’t fucking care.

Without giving anything away, I’m aware that a certain central character is left rather lost and cut off from home at the end of the story. Don’t worry – I’m sure something happens to him.

So read on and enjoy. And if you don’t… well, be glad you’re not reading the REAL Portal!


Chapter One

"Captain's log, Stardate 51102.4. The Enterprise has just completed her second shakedown cruise since the Borg attack.” Picard paused from continuing the recording.

Boy, he though, I’m sure glad they only send one cube at a time! Imagine how fucked we would’ve been if only they sent two!

Captain Picard continued, “As usual, our piece of shit technology barely saved the day. Thank God the Borg are just as dumb!”

Picard then shook his head for a bit. “Wait a minute...is it really a good idea to record that? Maybe I better start over.

Meanwhile, Worf was busy toiling away at the tactical controls.

“Stupid motherfucking piece of shit, why won’t it hit the damn thing already! It’s the fucking broad side of a barn, for crying out loud!”

Outside, a barn floated freely in space, with every single shot from the Enterprise missing.

Picard then turned to Worf, then back to his log. “Worf is always so happy when he’s practicing firing the weapons systems!”

His feeble mind tried to think of something else to add to the log, but the only thing on his mind was Earl Grey tea, and unfortunately the last few weeks had exhausted just about every variant of his “Picard’s World Famous Report on Early Grey” in his repertoire, not to mention the fact that Admiral Netcheyev threatened to court marshal him the next time he sent it. His thoughts wandered off. “Admiral Netcheyev...the only woman in Starfleet who losses out to Lameway in a fucking contest.” The six months it had taken to remove the Borg hardware from his ship had at least been challenging, difficult work, mostly in part due to the fact that the warp core wants to blow every time a non-critical part is removed. Upon this thought, Picard’s mind was stuck on Admiral Netecheyev, Captain Janeway, and the concept of “blowing”. But now, cruising about in the heart of Federation space, there was little to do. That the rest of Starfleet was losing against the Dominion while the most powerful ship in the fleet was calibrating and testing its weapons actually comforted Picard, because he knew a whomping party when he saw one, and that always gave him bad memories of his days back in the church choir.

The intercom sounded. “LaForge to Bridge. We’ve completed our technobabble shit for the day. Feel free to go to warp. The betting pool down here is on 5 to 1 that the ship will blow up as soon as we reach Warp 5, but I wouldn’t be scared off just because of their antics. After all, I held out to at least Warp 7!”

Picard gave a longing stare straight in front of him. “I can rest assured that I can always put my trust in the sanctity of Starfleet engineers!”

Jeordi replied in. “Just call me a miracle worker, because believe me, only a miracle could hold this ticking time bomb together!”

Suddenly, a beeping noise caught Data’s attention. “Captain, your mother is calling on line one!”

Captain Picard then gave a loud yell. “Enough of this shit, let’s just get straight to the plot!”

The Enterprise then speed at the anomaly/main plot device at full impulse, and seconds later it showed up on the main screen. A swirling mass of brown and pink, with a large hole in the middle, it almost reminded someone of a...

“Giant asshole! It looks like a fucking, giant asshole!”

“Is it stable?” Picard asks.

A loud, giant fart emanated from the anomaly. “Guess there’s your answer, sir!”

Data then spoke up. “I am detecting a growth trend, however.”
A giant turd then started to grow from the anomaly.

“Most disgusting!” said Riker.

“However, it is not dangerous. At this rate, the anomaly will need several decades to grow in order to become a major navigational hazard.”

“Who in the hell takes that long to crap?”

“I don’t know, but I’m sure as hell am itching to find out more about this anomaly! Take us in at full impulse!”

“Thrusters ahead, 200 kph sir,” said the helmsman.

”Boy, these Starfleet ships sure go fast! And just to think, we’re going faster than anything in our previous generation was able to go at!”

“Um, sir, most 20th century aircraft are able to...”

“Can’t you see I’m trying to be senile, Riker?”

Just then, alarms sounded on Data’s console. His hand sped to cover his nose. “Sir, the anomaly is fluctuating rapidly. I am reading a massive energy buildup!”

A gargantuan fart shook the Enterprise, rocking the crew into the walls, because some dumbshit forgot to design seatbelts into the Enterprise.

“Back us off!” said Picard in a muffled voice as he attempted to shield himself from the stink. “Data, is it trying to respond to us?”

“I do not think so, although there is a resonance effect so...”

Suddenly another resounding fart went off, rocking the Enterprise even more. This was followed by the explosion of turds flying towards the Enterprise, striking the shields and causing massive damage. Somehow this caused the Enterprise to move forward, into the disgusting void.

Meanwhile, on the ISD Battlecry...

“What in God’s name is that thing?”

“I don’t know, Captain Beltain. It looks like a giant asshole!”

“Wait…I think I see something emerging from it!”

Like a tiny, pathetic turd, the Enterprise emerged from the asshole, with buckled shields and in dire need of a trip to the starship wash.

“Unidentified vessel, this is the ISD Battlecry. Identify yourself!”

“ISD Battlecry, this is the USS Enterprise! We are in reality a battlecuiser, but there is no need to go into such details at this point in time!”

Picard then turned to his own bridge. “We intend no trespass – we are an exploration vessel.”

“Um, sir, I think you have that order somewhat mixed up.”

“Shut up! Can’t you see I’m trying to be senile!”

Captain Beltain was furious. “So, you admit that you are an enemy warship! Prepare to be destroyed!”

The ISD Battlecry then proceeded to blast the Enterprise to tiny little pieces.

Chapter 2

Well, I guess there is no chapter 2 after all…the end!

[RayCav of ASVS]

heh, with that story I now became a Padawan Learner...cool

[Needa]

Boy, he though, I?m sure glad they only send one cube at a time! Imagine how fucked we would?ve been if only they sent two!

Captain Picard continued, ?As usual, our piece of shit technology barely saved the day. Thank God the Borg are just as dumb!?

Roflamo!

[Eleas]

(RayCav)
"heh, with that story I now became a Padawan Learner...cool "

Woah, nice. It's not every day you see someone graduate to Padawan after posting a turd. Last time that happened, DarkStar was trying to debate whether Yoda's skin was red or blue.

(EDIT: Fuck me, but this sounds like an insult to your story, RayCav. Didn't mean it that way.)

[Jack Lain]

hahah. Big smile, big smile!

-Jack "nothing to read here" Lain.

[RayCav of ASVS]

(RayCav)
"heh, with that story I now became a Padawan Learner...cool "

Woah, nice. It's not every day you see someone graduate to Padawan after posting a turd. Last time that happened, DarkStar was trying to debate whether Yoda's skin was red or blue.

(EDIT: Fuck me, but this sounds like an insult to your story, RayCav. Didn't mean it that way.)

Heh, it's ok

[Grand Admiral Thrawn]

Ha

[Stravo]

THAT was some funny shit....wait....Oh never mind!!

Good work!!

[starfury]

Boy, he though, I’m sure glad they only send one cube at a time! Imagine how fucked we would’ve been if only they sent two!

Captain Picard continued, “As usual, our piece of shit technology barely saved the day. Thank God the Borg are just as dumb!”

Picard then shook his head for a bit. “Wait a minute...is it really a good idea to record that? Maybe I better start over.

Meanwhile, Worf was busy toiling away at the tactical controls.

“Stupid motherfucking piece of shit, why won’t it hit the damn thing already! It’s the fucking broad side of a barn, for crying out loud!”

Outside, a barn floated freely in space, with every single shot from the Enterprise missing.

Picard then turned to Worf, then back to his log. “Worf is always so happy when he’s practicing firing the weapons systems!”

[/quote]

LOL, that was so funny , that part about the enterprise not being able to hit the broadside of a barn was a riot, and the ineptness of both the feds and the borg HAHHA

[Crown]

He..hehe, hehehehe, I have the giggles!

[Solid Snake]

That was quite funny. And needless to say it really turned me on!

[Singular Quartet]

Disturbing, pointless, and quite humorus. Congrats.