The bible as a piece of literature

[ray245]

Well...basically I am asking everyone here...what does the bible mean to you?

A decent piece of writing? A classic novel? Epic novel like lord of the rings? Piece of crap?

To me...the bible always feel like a children fairy tale to me. Given that the only piece of 'bible' I've read is a children bible.

Hell...I can't even understand much of the 'official' bible.

Another thing I simply cannot understand is...why do christians NEED a story about god to believe in god?

Why can't they just believe in god simply because they do ...instead of refering to every phrase in the bible to prove that god exist?

[Nieztchean Uber-Amoeba]

The Bible as literature sucks for reading. It is, however, the most culturally important book ever written in Western civilization.

[Starglider]

A canister of refined toxic memes. Though with sufficient mental firewalls, it's a moderately amusing tragi-comedy.

[Rye]

The Bible as literature sucks for reading. It is, however, the most culturally important book ever written in Western civilization.

It was written in Middle Eastern civilisation.

As literature, it's got some neat ideas (monsters and the like) but poor execution. Like Lovecraft, the coolest biblical stuff is when you take a general idea that's hinted at (Nephilim, Witch of Endor, Leviathan, the Antichrist, etc) and let your own imagination piece together a better story from the fragments.

[Nieztchean Uber-Amoeba]

The Bible as literature sucks for reading. It is, however, the most culturally important book ever written in Western civilization.

It was written in Middle Eastern civilisation.

I'd realized that, but decided saying 'introduced into Western civilisation though it's also monumentally important now that it's been introduced into Eastern civilization etc.' was wordy and predantic.

[General Zod]

Another thing I simply cannot understand is...why do christians NEED a story about god to believe in god?

Why can't they just believe in god simply because they do ...instead of refering to every phrase in the bible to prove that god exist?

Because without some type of holy book with an over-inflated sense of self importance, Christianity has no more authority than some nutcase on the street ranting about leprechauns stealing his Lucky Charms.

[K. A. Pital]

H.P. Lovecraft trumps the Bible; his myth is more interesting, sorry. That's all I have to say. Though some biblical cults, and the Koran as an offshoot of judaism provide some more interesting stuff, it can't top even greek mythology for me.

[Covenant]

As someone who has read the whole thing in multiple contexts, I can safely say it's not all that good. Imagine a fantasy author who is setting out to write an epic tale of war and redemption.

Chapter 1 would detail his grand vision, the creation of his world and the peoples in it, an introduction to our mythic heroes, and is intended to evoke the same mythological awe as the Simarils, but has a few nagging issues. For example, if the heroes and other men of the story were formed by magic from the Earth by the God of Light, then what created the angels? Some of them are specifically stated as coming from outside God's realm. Who created the Demons? Demons and fallen angels are different, and why would God deliberately create dangerous, useless things that only serve to fuck with humans? Why did he create the Sons of God (baelrogs) who would breed with men to make the Nephilim Giants? (trolls/orcs?). Maybe he'll write a Prequel that deals with what happened before the Universe's creation.

Regardless, we get on with the story and don't worry about this yet. Man is tossed out after becoming understanding of good and evil, but is denied fruit of the tree of life so he can't become immortal. Maybe a quest reward in a sequel? But in the middle of this magical mythical infodump, the author dives into schlock sci-fi territory with a little dirty sex, some confusing violence, and the appearence of a vast amount of other Men and Women in other nations that don't really appear to have been mentioned previously. You flip back and forth and are forced to assume that from a community of about 50 people entire NATIONS were popping up, which meant that fertility rates and child survival rates must have been astounding, even despite the fact everyone lived to be 500. (elves?)

And things go downhill from there even more, as the God of Light starts acting like a total fucking dickbag, and you start wondering if the big M. Night twist at the end is that the God of Light is not the one messing with these people, but you ask your friend and heard that the next one is even wierder and has child porn in it and you're pretty disgusted. You flip to the end to see what happens, and it's a lot of garbage about trumpets and seven soundings and things like that which seems like the deranged ramblings at the end of Gullivers Travels--and then you figure out that part wasn't even written by the same guy, and that this whole book is a big ghostwritten heap of shit.

You go on the interwebs to write on Amazon that "Holy Bible I&II: Slaves and Sinners" is a rather disorganized, jumbled, self-contradictory book that fails to satisfy your need for symapthetic characters (even the heroes are raping, murdering assholes!) and also doesn't even attempt to maintain believability with the in-book magic system. You absoluetly swear that this Moses idiot is the biggest example of author self-insertion wankery you've seen since Luke Skywalker.

And then Amazon.com deletes your review because it's negative, everyone else goes on saying "OMG!!! IT IS SO DEEP IT SPEAKS TO MY LIFE TOO I THINK" and "negative reviewers don't understand the deep and complex tapestry that has been painted here, focusing instead on their contrarian efforts to deny the epic myth of our modern era. H.P. is dead, long live J.C." and you just bang your head on a desk and go read something more concisely and coherently written, like the boxed set of the Wheel of Time series.

[Darth Wong]

The Bible, when taken as a literal story, is self-contradictory, tedious, and stupid. Many people defend it by saying that it is meant to be taken figuratively, as a source of moral lessons like Aesop's Fables. But frankly, Aesop's Fables kick the shit out of the Bible when it comes to functioning as moral lessons. Here is a brief summary of the entire Bible when taken figuratively:

Old Testament

Genesis: God is incredibly powerful. Disobey even his most arbitrary edicts and he will punish you and your progeny forever and ever. And don't even ask whether his rules make any sense. They don't have to. He's God.

Exodus: God is incredibly powerful. If he's on your side, you will kick everyone else's ass. But if you give him attitude, he will punish you.

Leviticus: God is incredibly powerful, and that means that every conceivable aspect of your life should be regulated by his priests. Defy them and God will punish you. And once again, don't even ask if any of those rules make sense. Remember Genesis? Just shut the fuck up and obey.

Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua, and Judges: See Exodus.

Ruth: Pious, subservient women will be rewarded by God.

1 Samuel, 2 Samuel, 1 Kings, 2 Kings, 1 Chronicles, 2 Chronicles: See Exodus.

Ezra and Nehemiah: Racism is good. It keeps our people pure.

Esther: See Ruth.

Job: God is a vain prick who uses people as his playthings. But you should worship him anyway.

Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and Solomon: God is great, God is powerful, God's wrath is terrible, so worship him, peons.

The rest of the Old Testament: See Exodus.

New Testament

Hi, my name is Jesus. I know my dad has been pretty hard on everybody, but I'm his kid. So if you just kiss my ass for all eternity, I'll put in a good word for you and it'll all be good.

Mind you, he's got a real hard-on for punishing somebody, so just to show what a nice guy I am, I'll take the hit for you guys. Of course, I'm immortal so I won't really die, and the physical suffering I endure is a miniscule fraction of what God has already inflicted on countless innocents for no reason at all, but don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

PS. I'm gonna come back in a little while, and when I do, it'll be Old Testament time again! So this is a limited-time offer. Buy now.

[The Vortex Empire]

A poorly written, exceedingly boring, self-contradictory work of fantasy.

[Zablorg]

Indeed. I want to speak with its editor.

[Tanasinn]

"Boring shit" just about sums up the Bible for me.

[SpacedTeddyBear]

I couldn't get past Genesis, and had just read a page or two here and there. I put it down finally, and never went back to it. Though I really should one of these days.... once I get myself some adderall.

[Darth Wong]

I couldn't get past Genesis, and had just read a page or two here and there. I put it down finally, and never went back to it. Though I really should one of these days.... once I get myself some adderall.

If you do, and somehow manage to slog through that boring piece of shit, you'll find that my summary above is actually quite accurate, especially the more detailed Old Testament summary. It sounds tongue-in-cheek, but it really isn't.

[Stormin]

It was probably a lot better before the editors got to it
http://www.biggercheese.com/index.php?comic=640

[Patrick Degan]

Well...basically I am asking everyone here...what does the bible mean to you?

A decent piece of writing? A classic novel? Epic novel like lord of the rings? Piece of crap?

In far more urgent need of an editor than even Stephen King.

[Lord Revan]

as a single piece of fiction the bible has one serious fault in addition of having no character development to speak off, it counterdicts itself the first chance it gets.

as a collection work for various fables it works better but it's exactly entertaining even then.

actually Mike sums it up quite well (and yes I've read the whole fucking thing, boy I must have been really bored then).

[Metatwaddle]

You go on the interwebs to write on Amazon that "Holy Bible I&II: Slaves and Sinners" is a rather disorganized, jumbled, self-contradictory book that fails to satisfy your need for symapthetic characters (even the heroes are raping, murdering assholes!) and also doesn't even attempt to maintain believability with the in-book magic system. You absoluetly swear that this Moses idiot is the biggest example of author self-insertion wankery you've seen since Luke Skywalker.

And then Amazon.com deletes your review because it's negative, everyone else goes on saying "OMG!!! IT IS SO DEEP IT SPEAKS TO MY LIFE TOO I THINK" and "negative reviewers don't understand the deep and complex tapestry that has been painted here, focusing instead on their contrarian efforts to deny the epic myth of our modern era. H.P. is dead, long live J.C." and you just bang your head on a desk and go read something more concisely and coherently written, like the boxed set of the Wheel of Time series.

This is awesome. I hope it's not too long to sig.

[ray245]

If you are the editor for the bible...what changes will you make to the book?

[VT-16]

If you are the editor for the bible...what changes will you make to the book?

Remove all the name lists and the repeating of the same fucking events. Adding illustrative pictures to Revelation to increase the confusion. :P

[Lagmonster]

If you are the editor for the bible...what changes will you make to the book?

You don't even need a whole book for the basic message of the Bible; it's a political tool for the priesthood, so most of that is filler, the odd stolen fable, and self-indulgence by its various authors.

[Darth Wong]

If you are the editor for the bible...what changes will you make to the book?

Replace the entire Old Testament with a brief summary. It's a single (bad) idea spread over thousands of pages filled with totally worthless and often contradictory details. Alter the books of the New Testament so they actually have a coherent message of change, hope, and egalitarianism. Also fix stupid and laughable inconsistencies like three of the books of the New Testament disagreeing on what Jesus' last words were. Drop the Pauline Epistles and the Book of Revelations too; that material is all disjointed, retarded, and worthless.

[Rye]

If you are the editor for the bible...what changes will you make to the book?

I'd basically replace it with Preacher by Garth Ennis.

[Patrick Degan]

If you are the editor for the bible...what changes will you make to the book?

Replace the entire Old Testament with a brief summary. It's a single (bad) idea spread over thousands of pages filled with totally worthless and often contradictory details. Alter the books of the New Testament so they actually have a coherent message of change, hope, and egalitarianism. Also fix stupid and laughable inconsistencies like three of the books of the New Testament disagreeing on what Jesus' last words were. Drop the Pauline Epistles and the Book of Revelations too; that material is all disjointed, retarded, and worthless.

I believe that's just about exactly what Thomas Jefferson did do when he produced his own bible.

[Lusankya]

If you are the editor for the bible...what changes will you make to the book?

I'd put Kaiju in it. And mutants. And aliens. And mutant aliens. And cyborg death kaiju from outer space. And motorcycle fights. And then the kaiju and the mutants and the aliens and the mutant aliens and the cyborg death kaiju from outer space would go and destroy lots of cities. And the kaiju would represent the personification of the destructive forces of nature, and they'd remind us to look after our natural resources and to not screw over the environment.

That would make a far better bible, with a far deeper and more relevant moral message.