Death, Acceptance and other things

[Majin Gojira]

Recently, my the last of my Grandparents was interred. Big event, ate up a whole week of planing/prep/etc as my father was the eldest son and 'new head of the family'.

Cerimony was lovely (if only mared by a preist who didn't do enough research for his speach and a bad organist), but the whole while--his death and the few days he had beforehand, were an emotionally stressful time.

But I only 'flinched' once and was the only level-headed member of the family for two full weeks when the issue of Grandpa came up.

It's not because of some "I barely knew him" sort of deal--far from it! Though not as close as I had been in the past, he was still an important person in my mind (and for my early development).

However, the thing that got me most was that I was this 'rock', while everyone else was on the edge of tears, cracking and otherwise expressing emotions while I had already made my peace with it.

It made me feel like a fucking, cold hearted prick for not joining in the mass emotional expression. The emotion wasn't there, I didn't feel sad for him, I felt his loss and ache, but I had already moved on in his life. And I knew if I even tried to fake it, I'd be a total fucking tool. I mean, Some of his last words were basically a "And Life Goes On" statement, so he and I shared the sentiment.

So, I guess my main problem is the turmoil I have not in regards to his death, but in others reaction to it and their perceptions of how I reacted to it. Maybe it's because I no longer share the Catholic outlook of the rest of my family, I dunno.

[PeZook]

So, I guess my main problem is the turmoil I have not in regards to his death, but in others reaction to it and their perceptions of how I reacted to it. Maybe it's because I no longer share the Catholic outlook of the rest of my family, I dunno.

You're not alone in feeling this. For quite some time, I feared I may be a sociopath, but it's not that I don't care. I just felt solemn and contemplative at my grand-grandmother's funeral, and remembered all the good times. My grandmother and her sister weeped, but, well...I suppose it's quite different if you lose your mother.

People react differently to death. I really don't think your reaction is wrong per se. I'd be worried if you couldn't wait to leave the funeral and go home to play videogames

[Shroom Man 777]

Me and mom were pretty stoic at her father's death and funeral (at November). It was probably because prior to him getting sick, he wasn't really "all there" even if he was still partly coherent. When he got sick though, he eventually became bedridden, blind, incapable of speech, mute or much movement, immobile and...well, he wasn't really alright, to say the least. When he passed on, it was only a natural thing and at least he no longer had to suffer.

[Morilore]

There have been a number of deaths in my family the last couple years, and my brother and I have both been fairly stoic about it. The last time I cried for loss was at age thirteen when the family cat died, and that was also the first time I really faced death.

[DarthShady]

The first time i cried was when my grandfather died at the beginning of the war, it was also the last time.Since then i have lost many family members but i had no emotional outbursts.
My mother actually called me a son of a bitch because i didn't cry when her father died.I loved the guy but i just couldn't bring my self to fake it.
People don't seem to realize you can be sad about someone dying without crying your eyes out.

[Darth Wong]

I have the opposite reaction: I get suspicious of people who cry too conspicuously at funerals. I can't help but think "That's a nice show you're putting on. Are you trying to impress someone?"

A funeral is a very sombre event, but it's also (for me) an emotionally restrained one because it's so formal.

[DarthShady]

I have the opposite reaction: I get suspicious of people who cry too conspicuously at funerals. I can't help but think "That's a nice show you're putting on. Are you trying to impress someone?"

I have thought that my self a few times.

A funeral is a very sombre event, but it's also (for me) an emotionally restrained one because it's so formal.

I agree.But with muslims it's what happens after the funeral that gives people a reason to show they are sad.The women seem to wait for the men to come back from the cemetary and then they begin with heavy emotional outbursts.

[Frank Hipper]

I have the opposite reaction: I get suspicious of people who cry too conspicuously at funerals. I can't help but think "That's a nice show you're putting on. Are you trying to impress someone?"

Those shrieking, wailing performances most definitely reek of "I'd like to thank the Academy..."

Grief is the damndest thing, and there's a range of responses to it, but truth be told I consider that sort of behavior to not only be suspicious, but tacky...crass, really.

[Sybot]

If not expressing yourself is bad, then my family must be awful people...at my grandfather's funeral a couple of months ago, out of his wife, six sons, five daughters-in-law, at least ten grandchildren and assorted friends and distant relatives, only three of them cried, and even then it wasn't wailing hysterics.

It might have had something to do with the general traits of my family though, as most of us seem to have picked up his reserved and atheistic traits, so maybe we were all able to come to terms with it easier. I can't imagine being so emotional about it.

[Justforfun000]

I can sympathize with the worry that you seem too reserved. Death shocks me more then anything when it happens and I'd wager that it affects people just as often in a numbing way instead of a histrionic tear-filled frenzy. You can't be human and not have death bother you at your very core of being, because you know damn well that it IS going to happen to you someday and how could that not affect you?

Being sad about someone's passing is very individual as to expression and no one should criticize a person's apparent lack of heart. You can't read their mind.

[Alyrium Denryle]

For me, if I expect death, it has never seen to bother me. As if I do all my worrying and grieving in advance. When my mom's fiance' shot himself 8 years ago, it didnt come as a shock to me. They had a big fight, he displayed all the warning signs of someone who was going to kill themselves and I just sort of accepted it. When I got picked up from school early I knew what had happened and wasn't bothered as much as I might have been otherwise.

When my great uncle died, same thing. He had lung cancer. No big shock, tragic and sad, but I accepted it and went through the stages of grief before he died.

[Zablorg]

I cried when I was much younger at my mother's cousin's funeral. I tried not to make a big scene of it, though.

[Zablorg]

More to the point, what is it with people who fucking wail? A bit of tears I can understand, but I know there are people who will fucking scream out their sorrow. Just can't keep it to themselves, can they?

[CaptainChewbacca]

I'm in the not-crying category, though it bothers me a bit. When my father told me grandma died, I was disquieted and needed to sit and think, but my brother was inconsolable (quietly so) for the better part of an evening.

As to wailing, I guess some folks just FEEL so much they've gotta express it. I don't think it is attention-seeking, but that they are generally lost in grief. Some of its faking, but you can see real, hysterical grief.

[LadyTevar]

At my father's funeral, I was either in shock, or just unable to express anything. He'd been in a coma for a week, I never got to really 'say goodbye' to him and know he heard me before they had to pull the plug. I think I did most of my crying then. But it didn't help that my ex-husband was also at the funeral, had been invited by my mother and stayed at her house for the funeral while I was sent off to my older brother's in the next town over.

It also didn't help that he was bawling his eyes out, and came up to me as the family was getting into the limo "YOU MURDERED HIM. You left me, and it KILLED HIM."
so... yeah... not really feeling much sadness. Being pissed at my mom and the EX probably had a lot to do with that.

Until we got to the part of the Fireman's Funeral that's called the "Final PageOut", where the gathered firemen all set their pagers as loud as they'd go, and the central 911 board sets off the Attention tones, and called out for KA-474 to 'report ot HomeBase'.

That broke me. That still breaks me, to the point I can't even watch any movie/tvshow/etc with a Fireman's Funeral in it because I can't stop myself from crying.

[Elfdart]

Funny this subject has come up, since I just got word that my grandfather died this afternoon. I don't know if it's exhaustion, numbness, shock or what, but I don't do much of anything at funerals. I greet friends and relatives, sit quetly, speak (if asked to) and that's it. My mom, sister and older brother are the same way. My cousin is taking it very badly, on the other hand, so I'm not judgemental about how people react to death in the family. I seriously doubt the hysterical crying is for show. If it is, who's the audience?

[Darth Wong]

I seriously doubt the hysterical crying is for show. If it is, who's the audience?

The kind of person who would actually berate someone for not crying enough, as per the OP?

[Rye]

I've been to a load of funerals over the past couple of years and I never cry for the deceased, to be honest. I feel bad and all, but I don't get moved to tears unless I think of the people close to the deceased who lost someone really close. I get overwhelming sympathy for the surviving relatives but my personal loss sense only inflicts itself on me if they're really close to me.

[Stark]

The kind of person who would actually berate someone for not crying enough, as per the OP?

Some people are just attention-whores. Is it so hard to believe that people become hysterical because they've learnt that it gets them special treatment?

[Elfdart]

Majin, did they actually say something about your reaction? or did you just get the impression from them? I remember when my brother and I told all our relatives that my dad made it clear he didn't want to be on a respirator. The way my other relatives looked at us at first gave me the feeling that they thought I was a cold-blooded bastard. But it was really just that it had finally sunk in that my father was dead and only a collection of tubes was keeping him "alive". I didn't shed a tear before, during or after the funeral and one of my aunts was worried that something might be wrong with me. One of my uncles told me later that they were worried (especially about me) and upset hearing my father's wishes (which they also knew about) coming from his two boys.

You might be misinterpreting them.

[Majin Gojira]

Nah, it's completely an internal thing.