The Three Little Pigs, Red Riding Hood, and the Big Bad Wolf

Shroom Man 777 · Post by **Shroom Man 777** » 2008-02-06 12:28pm

A play for English Class me and my classmates will present.

I have no wolf costume, so I will use my dad's gas mask instead.

Based on the stories Three Little Pigs and Red Riding Hood

Characters:
Narrator
Big Bad Wolf
Grandmother
Little Pig 1
Little Pig 2
Little Pig 3
Red Riding Hood
FBI
Judge
Executioner

Script:
Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a Wolf. He was big and he was bad and he loved to kill and rape and eat the flesh of those he murdered. He was a psychosexual cannibal killer.

Wolf: I am the Big Bad Wolf! I am a psychosexual cannibal killer! I like to rape and kill! I like to eat butts! Butts that bleed! Bleed blood! Butts that bleed blood on me! Bleeding Butts! I am the Big Bad Wolf! Rarrr!

Narrator: One day, in a far away village, a Grandmother was saying her goodbyes to her children – the Three Little Pigs.

Grandmother: Goodbye my children! Take care! You are grown up now and must build your own homes and live your own lives!

Pig 1: Who will take care of you grandma?

Grandmother: Red Riding Hood will take care of me.

Pig 2: Okay.

Pig 3: Bye Grandma!

Grandma: Bye.

Grandmother: This would be the last time the Grandmother would see The Three Little Pigs. Because the Big Bad Wolf was gonna kill them all. And then eat them.

Pig 1: I live in a straw house because it is cheap. I’m saving money to go into college.

Wolf: Knock knock!

Pig 1: Who is it?

Wolf: The Big Bad Wolf! I’m here to kill you and eat your face!

Pig 1: You can’t come in! I don’t want you to kill me and eat my face!

Wolf: Well, I’m still going to kill you and eat your face! I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your house down!

Pig 1: My house! You broke it! Why did I have to buy such a cheap house!

Wolf: Because you’re saving money to go to college. Now I’ll eat your face!

Pig 1: No!

Wolf: Yes! Hurrr!

Pig 1: No! Arrrgh!

Big Bad Wolf: I’m still hungry and now I want to eat more pigs! Pigs with fat. Fat stomachs. Pigs with fat stomachs. I wonder if this Little Piggy has any relatives. If he has a family. I will eat his family. All of his family! And their fat stomachs! Hurr!

Narrator: Using his Detective Skills, the Big Bad Wolf discovered that the Little Pig had two other brothers. It was almost 12 o’ clock and the Big Bad Wolf was getting hungry, so he decided to look for some lunch.

Pig 2: Good noon everyone. I am Little Pig #2, I live in a stick house because I’m not cheap like my second brother. I’m not as rich as my third brother, who has a brick house. I’m just an average guy, just like you. I like to read books and go to the mall, watch movies, listen to music and take long walks at the beach –

Wolf: Knock knock! Is this the house of Little Pig #2?!

Pig 2: Yes it is. Who is this?

Wolf: I am the Big Bad Wolf! I ate your brother and now I’m gonna kill you, cook your head, and eat it for lunch! Because I am the Big Bad Wolf and I eat people! Hurrr!

Pig 2: No!

Wolf: Can I come in for lunch?

Pig 2: Yes. I mean, No!
Wolf: Hah! Your house is made out of sticks! Your carpenter used cheap sticks and now I’m gonna huff and puff and jump in through the window!

Pig 2: No!

Wolf: Yes!

Pig 2: Please don’t hurt me!

Wolf: I will hurt you! Painfully! And you will feel pain! And it will hurt! And then I will eat your sausages for lunch! Just like how I ate your brother’s eggs for breakfast! Then I’m gonna put you in a refrigerator and eat you later!

Pig 2: I have a third brother, Little Pig #3! Please eat him instead of me!

Wolf: But if I eat you now, I can still have him for dinner!

Pig 2: No!

Wolf: Yes! HURRR!!!

Pig 2: No! Argh! My organ!

Wolf: Yes! Hurr! Your organ!

Pig 2: I die!

Wolf: You’re dead!

Narrator: Using Little Pig #2’s computer, the Big Bad Wolf was able to find Little Pig #3’s house. Just in time for dinner!

Pig 3: I am Little Pig #3! I live in a brick house because I’m filthy rich! I have a limousine and five wives, ten swimming pools, an elephant and a helicopter! I’m a millionaire! Hurr!

Wolf: Knock knock!

Pig 3: Who is it?

Wolf: I’m the Big Bad Wolf! Nice house! Can I come in?

Pig 3: Why do you want to come in?

Wolf: I want to come in so I can kill you and eat your legs. Your long and slender legs. And then I will have what’s between your legs for dessert!

Pig 3: What is between my legs?

Wolf: I don’t know. I want to find out. Can I come in?

Pig 3: Wait. Let me get my shotgun first.

Wolf: Haha! Very funny! Did you know I ate your two other brothers?

Pig 3: *comes out of the house with a shotgun* Yes, I know you ate my two other brothers. Thanks, now I can collect their life insurance and get even richer. But first I’m gonna shoot you in your balls with this shotgun! Okay?

Wolf: No! My balls! *runs away*

Pig 3: Yes! That’s it! Run! Run like a little girl!

Wolf: No! I must run! Run like a little girl! I will have my revenge! I will eat your grandmother! I’m gonna bite off your grandmother’s butt and put it in an oven! And then I’m gonna bake them like cookies! And then I’m gonna sell them to girl scouts! Like cookies!

Pig 3: I think I should call the police.

Narrator: The Big Bad Wolf ran away. Later, he tried looking for the Grandmother’s house. But he couldn’t find it. He only found Red Riding Hood.

Wolf: Hello little girl! You have a nice butt!

Red Riding Hood: Shut up.

Wolf: Do you know where Grandmother lives? I want to eat her….cookies. I hear she bakes cookies. I want to eat them. Eat them with blood. I mean, milk. Milk and cookies. Grandma’s milk and cookies. That she bakes.

Red Riding Hood: Yes, her house is that way! *points* I’m going to go there later after I go to the market and buy some worms for dinner.

Wolf: Worms for dinner. Yum yum. Thanks for the directions. You have a nice butt.

Red: Your welcome!

Narrator: That night, the Big Bad Wolf went into Grandmother’s house.

Grandmother: Who is it?

Wolf: The Big Bad Wolf.

Grandmother: Do you want some milk and cookies?

Wolf: Yes. And then I’m going to take this knife and gouge out your eyeballs.

Grandmother: Oh dear.

Narrator: The Big Bad Wolf gouged out the Grandmother’s eyeballs and hid her body inside the toilet bowl. The Big Bad Wolf then wore Grandmother’s clothes because he was gay and liked wearing women’s underwear.

Wolf: I look so sexy in this dress. Like a hot 80 year old woman. With wrinkly skin. And no teeth. Oooh!

Red Riding Hood: Grandma, I’m home!

Wolf: Hello Red Riding Hood. I am your Grandma. You are home.

Red Riding Hood: Grandma, what big eyes you have!

Wolf: Yes. I didn’t clean my contact lenses and then my eyeballs swelled up to the size of tennis balls. I will see a doctor tomorrow and get new eyeballs.

Red Riding Hood: Grandma, what a big butt you have.

Wolf: I know. I have lovely assets. This dress just makes me look sexier.

Red Riding Hood: No it doesn’t Grandma. You look like an ugly old lady. Grandma, what big teeth you have!

Wolf: The better to bite off your breasts with! I am the Big Bad Wolf!

Red Riding Hood: Oh no!

Wolf: Oh yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! No! Yes! Yes!

*PIG 3 and FBI come in*

FBI: FBI FREEZE SCUMBAG!

Wolf: Oh no! The FBI! You’re never gonna take me alive, G-Man!

FBI: FBI FREEZE SCUMBAG!

Pig 3: After him!

FBI: FBI FREEZE SCUMBAG!

Narrator: After they shot the Big Bad Wolf in the face ten times, they brought him to the Supreme Court where he faced trial.

Judge: The Jury has decreed that you, Big Bad Wolf, are guilty of ten counts of murder-death-killing and fifty counts of rape and cannibalism. You also suck. For this, we sentence you to life imprisonment and then death by hanging! May God Have Mercy On Your Soul. Not.

Narrator: Then the Big Bad Wolf was executed.

PEOPLE TIE A ROPE AROUND THE WOLF’S NECK AND PULL

Wolf: TADA! THE END!

Sidewinder · Post by **Sidewinder** » 2008-02-06 11:49pm

It was worth a laugh. I wonder why you didn't have Red Riding Hood draw a handgun and start blazing away when the Big Bad Wolf started talking shit to her. (A few years ago, I tried to write a Red Riding Hood story where Red was a werewolf, and therefore had no reason to fear wolves. Then I ran into writer's block.)

Mr. Coffee · Post by **Mr. Coffee** » 2008-02-07 12:44am

Shroomy, you are one truly fucked up little deviant. But I respect that in a person.

Gomu Niwatari · Post by **Gomu Niwatari** » 2008-02-07 01:07am

Well, I definitely think your handle fits you.

Ford Prefect · Post by **Ford Prefect** » 2008-02-07 03:48am

Sidewinder wrote:(A few years ago, I tried to write a Red Riding Hood story where Red was a werewolf, and therefore had no reason to fear wolves. Then I ran into writer's block.)

Coincidentally, Shroomy has created a character for OZ Comix! which is, basically, Red Riding Hood as a werewolf.

Shroom Man 777 · Post by **Shroom Man 777** » 2008-02-07 04:58am

My Red Riding Hood!

EDIT:

And the play was a huge success!