Asshole atheist professors in short stories people post

Haruko · Post by **Haruko** » 2008-02-09 01:51am

First I came across the one I think a lot of people here are familiar with: the one supposedly of Einstein when he was attending university. Well, just yesterday, I read yet another one of these asshole-atheist-professor-gets-verbally-bitch-slapped stories after it was posted by one of my members:

Marines are taught:
1) Keep your priorities in order and
2) Know when to act without hesitation.

A Marine was attending a college course between missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. The professor, an avowed atheist, shocked the class one day when he walked in, looked toward the ceiling, and said loudly, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."
The lecture room fell silent and the professor began his lecture. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God - still waiting." It got down to the last minute when the Marine stood up, walked toward the professor and threw his best punch knocking him off the platform and out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat down. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you did that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God is busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to behave like an idiot and say stupid stuff.
So He sent me."

Curious to see where this story originated, I did a Google search, and found the following, very intriguing page on Scopes, that website that debunks popular online myths. Here's the page in question, starting with that story I mentioned that was supposedly of Einstein: http://www.snopes.com/religion/einstein.asp
Scroll down to the paragraph that starts with "Likewise, 'the atheist professor' is a figure...", continue down the page and you'll see the very story I quoted above, as just one of several variants.

It was after coming across the Scopes page that I realized how intricately related that story was with the Einstein one.

Part of my motivation for doing this search in the first place was annoyance. I commented to myself reading the story quoted above that "atheists may be a minority, but when it comes to these short stories that serve as a religious point, they're an overwhelming, incredible asshole majority".

So I was wondering, have any of you come across the story quoted above, or any others that aren't listed at the Scopes page I linked to?

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2008-02-09 01:54am

The professor in that story doesn't sound like an asshole at all. The Marine is the one who sounds like the asshole (not to mention a moron who would soon be facing assault charges if the story were something more than Christian supremacist wanking). All this story really tells you is that the kind of Christian who thinks it's a really good story is, himself, a huge asshole who would love to live in a world where he gets to beat up people who don't believe in his favourite imaginary friend.

Knife · Post by **Knife** » 2008-02-09 02:41am

Darth Wong wrote:The professor in that story doesn't sound like an asshole at all. The Marine is the one who sounds like the asshole (not to mention a moron who would soon be facing assault charges if the story were something more than Christian supremacist wanking). All this story really tells you is that the kind of Christian who thinks it's a really good story is, himself, a huge asshole who would love to live in a world where he gets to beat up people who don't believe in his favourite imaginary friend.

Indeed; since all the story needs to debunk itself is the professor to pull out a baseball bat and start swinging at the jarhead, to invalidate his claims.

Shroom Man 777 · Post by **Shroom Man 777** » 2008-02-09 02:49am

We need an atheist art professor getting schooled by a Christian art student.

Who's name is Adolf Hitler.

brianeyci · Post by **brianeyci** » 2008-02-09 02:50am

The Marine calmly replied, "God is busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to behave like an idiot and say stupid stuff.
So He sent me."

I can't believe the kind of moron who thinks that you defend the "right of a person to say stupid shit" by punching them in the face exists.

By that logic Ku Klux Klan are defending the rights of blacks by attacking them

.

Twoyboy · Post by **Twoyboy** » 2008-02-09 03:13am

I'm still trying to figure ou why an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent god needs a marine to do his dirty work.

Axiomatic · Post by **Axiomatic** » 2008-02-09 04:45am

Because that way, it shows that atheists professors not only hate God, but America as well.

Flagg · Post by **Flagg** » 2008-02-09 04:51am

I'm surprised the Marine could say that with a straight face considering how many dead and wounded American soldiers there are. Sounds like God's doing a pretty shitty job at that. Good thing God gave our soldiers armored humvees and kevlar. Oh wait, he was slow getting around to that as well.

So basically, this story asserts 3 things. Marines are assholes, God doesn't exist, and College faculty should be given firearms to protect themselves.

Zixinus · Post by **Zixinus** » 2008-02-09 07:06am

So basically, this story asserts 3 things. Marines are assholes, God doesn't exist, and College faculty should be given firearms to protect themselves.

That made my day.

Rye · Post by **Rye** » 2008-02-09 10:28am

Man, that story is begging for word substitution:

Jihadis are taught:
1) Keep your priorities in order and
2) Know when to act without hesitation.

A jihadi was attending a college course between missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. The professor, an avowed atheist, shocked the class one day when he walked in, looked toward the ceiling, and said loudly, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent and the professor began his lecture. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God - still waiting." It got down to the last minute when the jihadi stood up, walked toward the professor and detonated a suicide jacket, knocking him off the platform and out cold. The jihadi's bits rained down. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the jihadi's messy remains and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you did that?" The jihadi's ideological brothers calmly replied, "God is busy today protecting islam's soldiers who are violently the world of people who disobey God and his duly appointed earthly representatives and say stupid stuff. People like you, witches and homosexuals.
So He sent us."

Admiral Valdemar · Post by **Admiral Valdemar** » 2008-02-09 11:08am

Rye, if I was gay or you kept that fine body but acquired internal genitalia and breasts, I'd marry you for that. It made me choke on vanilla latte in a Costa.

Oskuro · Post by **Oskuro** » 2008-02-09 01:45pm

The professor, an avowed atheist, shocked the class one day when he walked in, looked toward the ceiling, and said loudly, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

Ooooh! Stealth indoctrination! Speaking out your beliefs is shocking! It is WRONG! The poor students fell silent at the sheer wrongness of this act!

What'll be next? An atheist walks in a bar and orders a roasted puppy with a side dish of fried kittens?

TithonusSyndrome · Post by **TithonusSyndrome** » 2008-02-09 02:45pm

brianeyci wrote:
The Marine calmly replied, "God is busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to behave like an idiot and say stupid stuff.
So He sent me."
I can't believe the kind of moron who thinks that you defend the "right of a person to say stupid shit" by punching them in the face exists.

By that logic Ku Klux Klan are defending the rights of blacks by attacking them .

I'm undecided as to what's worse; jingoist jarheads who think that, or average blue collar/youth culture assholes who think that the right to assault people who say things they don't like is an axiom. I couldn't tell you the number of times I've demanded that someone back up their claims on a youth networking website, and they immediately start snarling for me to come meet me in some parking lot without so much as a blink. It's "common sense" that that's how a claim is "backed up", after all.

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2008-02-21 09:57am

Whoever wrote that never met a marine.

Seriously. Wheres the swearing?

Ritterin Sophia · Post by **Ritterin Sophia** » 2008-02-21 03:59pm

Enforcer Talen wrote:Whoever wrote that never met a marine.

Seriously. Wheres the swearing?

The phrase is 'Curse like a Sailor', not 'Curse like a Marine'.

Vendetta · Post by **Vendetta** » 2008-02-21 05:23pm

General Schatten wrote:
Enforcer Talen wrote:Whoever wrote that never met a marine.

Seriously. Wheres the swearing?
The phrase is 'Curse like a Sailor', not 'Curse like a Marine'.

That's only the polite version.

Flagg · Post by **Flagg** » 2008-02-21 10:56pm

According to every Navy man I've ever met, Marines are too fucking stupid to know how to swear.

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2008-02-22 02:18am

Flagg wrote:According to every Navy man I've ever met, Marines are too fucking stupid to know how to swear.

And I'm sure a Marine would say that Navy men are too lazy to swear.

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2008-02-22 07:47am

he Marine calmly replied, "God is busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to behave like an idiot and say stupid stuff.

he Marine calmly replied, "God is fucking busy today protecting fucking America's fucking troops who are fucking protecting your fucking right to fucking behave like a fucking fucktard and fucking say fucking stupid fucking shit. Fucker.

See? Thats how it really would be.

Had a sgt who spoke like this, too. We would just listen to him for hours, in awe.

OmegaGuy · Post by **OmegaGuy** » 2008-02-22 09:37am

Wasn't the argument attributed to Einstein against the Christian doctrines anyway, since God is supposed to be omnipresent?

Darth Raptor · Post by **Darth Raptor** » 2008-02-22 09:46am

OmegaGuy wrote:Wasn't the argument attributed to Einstein against the Christian doctrines anyway, since God is supposed to be omnipresent?

Like anything else, Cretinists interpret Einstein to support their agenda. Going so far as to say Earth really is the center of the universe because the universe has no center so any arbitrary point has just as much a claim over centrality as any other. o.O

Post by **Surlethe** » 2008-02-22 12:21pm

Marines are taught:
1) Keep your priorities in order and
2) Know when to act without hesitation.

A Marine was attending a college course between missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. The professor, an avowed atheist, shocked the class one day when he walked in, looked toward the ceiling, and said loudly, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent and the professor began his lecture. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God - still waiting." It got down to the last minute when the Marine stood up, walked toward the professor and threw his best punch knocking him off the platform and out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat down. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you did that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God is busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to behave like an idiot and say stupid stuff. So He sent me."

The professor snapped back, "Are you God, then? Because I specifically asked God to knock me off this table, not some stupid asshole jarhead. If God can't both knock me off this table and do a shitty job of protecting our troops, he's not much of a God."

Rye · Post by **Rye** » 2008-02-22 01:08pm

I suppose in one way, it's a good thing that the demagogues are associating educational success with atheism.

Baal · Post by **Baal** » 2008-02-22 03:20pm

Twoyboy wrote:I'm still trying to figure ou why an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent god needs a marine to do his dirty work.

God was busy trying to borrow a starship.

Ryan Thunder · Post by **Ryan Thunder** » 2008-02-22 05:36pm

The Marine was an idiot.

I remember this one story in which a professor would say something to the effect of "If God exists, then he can stop this chalk from breaking when I drop it."

Then, one day, his finger slipped, the chalk fell, rolled down his pants and settled nicely on the floor next to him, totally intact.

Supposedly, he ran from the lecture hall, but I'm skeptical...