Handling Telemarketers

Typhonis 1 · Post by **Typhonis 1** » 2003-01-22 01:27am

My sister came up with this jewel ,she gives the phone to her two year old daughter and lets her talk to them .

Lord_Xerxes · Post by **Lord_Xerxes** » 2003-01-22 01:37am

Refers to his post in the thread about getting rid of junk-mail, which sorta turned into a telemarketer discussion:

Lord_Xerxes wrote:
Or moan and pant between sentences to give the impression of having a wank or a menage a trois whilst on the phone. The telemarketer may actually use the phrase "Did I catch you at a bad time?" for once. A rare event indeed.

As a joke, my best friend and I did this once, pretending to be gay...He started blerting out things in the background like "Come back to the bed...", "Why did you pulll it out", etc. Then I hung up on the guy. You know what happened? He called back again. Saying something like "I think you're phone disconnected us." I think he was getting off on our little joke...

It was at this point that I told him, "Perhaps you're not understanding the point. I am not intrested. I hung up on you. And now I will again." You know what happened? He called back a third time. (This baffels me, because I thought auto-dialers can't pick the same number more than once, or recall a number immediately after.)

He said something to the degree of "But we really want you as a customer." and I basically told him to fuck off. Then I went to my computer and fired out the Arnold Ultimate soundboard, ready to assault him with a barrage of "Why?Why?Why?Fuck you, Asshole. My CPU is a neural-net processor, a learning computer. Did your daddy teach you this game? Who is your daddy, and what does he do" and so on. But they never called back. Telemarketers really hate when you Arnold-board them. Infact, since I started doing that, we've be getting far less calls from them!

To make a long story short, the same phone company called back the next morning and woke me up. I tore the woman a new asshole and told her what'd happened, and if they were to call again I would sue them for harassment. She told me it was impossible. I told her that them being able to pull my size 14 boot wedged so far up their ass they could taste the rubber would be impossible. That company never called again.

Shinova · Post by **Shinova** » 2003-01-22 01:43am

I say a greeting in a different language.

"Moshi moshi?" or a variant of that sometimes works

TrailerParkJawa · Post by **TrailerParkJawa** » 2003-01-22 02:07am

I simply dont answer any call that is listed as Unknown Number on my caller ID. 99% of the time it is a telemarketer and when it is not they can always leave a message.

I like the idea of giving them to the 2 year old. Im gonna do that when my neice reaches that age.

Hyperion · Post by **Hyperion** » 2003-01-22 02:14am

Best ones to date:

TM: "Hello, you are preapproved for xxxxxx credit card."

Me: "The people who originally lived here and had this number were recently killed in a car accident, I would appreciate if you would not call here again."

TM: "Sorry to hear, have a good afternoon." *click*

Me: *snicker*

TM: "Hello, this is the Bremerton Sun, we are having a great deal on our paper thi-..." (cut off)

Me: (making loud sexual noises in the background)

TM: "Are you interested in our offer?"

Me: (making sexual noises in background)("Hey, get back to bed." said with modified voicetones away from the mic) "Uh, this is a bad time, my boyfriend and I are kinda uhm.... busy right now..."

TM: (generally either of the following) "Uh, sorry sir, bye." or *click* (usually pre-empted by gagging sounds depending on how convincing I did it.)

*note* also works wonders on military recruiters, televangelists, money moochers, etc.

TM: "Hello, we have a great offer on vinyl siding!"

Me: (make thud noise in background and groan) (clunking around with the phone) "Uh, siding? I'm installing some now, well, I will be again after I get back on the ladder thanks to you people calling."

TM: *click*

(after 6:30 hell)
TM: "Hello this is-" (cut off)

Me: "DAMN YOU PEOPLE!!! IT'S DINNER TIME FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD, CALL BACK LATER AT A *SANE* TIME, LIKE BEFORE 3PM!!!!"

TM: "Sorry, bye." *click*

Now for my favorites: Mormon and JW torture:

Mormons:
*open door*
Me: "Ah, Morons...uhm... Mormons... Not interested in your 'god', please leave." *slams door*

*open door*
Mormons: "Hello, we're here from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints-"

Me: (said either in my "Ra voice" or in other evil sounding voices, and rubbing hands together. works best if I've just injured myself and have blood on my hands (this has happened, and I swear those 2 Mormons damn near shit themselves, they actually RAN away from my house even before I closed the door)) "Ah, you're just in time for our next offering to the dark lord, please come in, some fresh blood is always good."

Mormons: "Uh, ok." *leave*

Me: *closes door slowly while continuing to try and entice them in*

*open door*
Mormons: "Hello, we're here from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints-"

Me: (after telling them I'm not interested in converting) "Hey, there's 2 of ya, what you guys doing after you're done going door to door? Up for a threesome?" (said while smiling expectantly and trying to looks semi feminine)

Mormons: "Uh... Sorry dude." *backing away*

Me: "Well?" (looking dissappointed) *close door*

JWs:

Leave the paperwork there for about a week running.

Encountering JWs in person:

JWs: "We're here with-" (cut off by me yawning)

Me: "See the pile of your other papers? Leave your stack there, I need some more firestarters."

JWs: *looking VERY shocked and like someone slapped them in the face* (pick up the stack of papers and glare as they walk away.)

Post by **weemadando** » 2003-01-22 02:23am

Another great JW/Mormon one requires a significant amount of preparation:

You will need...

Cool burning flame gel (won't give out the formula, but you can find it on the web).
An easily concealable lighter.
A concealed bucket of water.
Balls. Big brass bollocks.

Step 1: When JWs or Mormons knock, coat your hands in a thin slick of the flame gel then open the door.
Step 2: When they start talking ignite your hands with the concealed lighter then casually chat with them until they point out that your hands are on fire.
Step 3: Feign complete and utter surprise. "Again? Damnit. Thats the third time this week."
Step 4: Laugh maniacally.
Step 5: Watch JWs/Mormons back away really quickly.
Step 6: Dunk hands in water before the gel all burns away and the flames decide to move to your flesh.

Works an absolute treat. I'd recommend using flesh coloured woolen gloves or similar to start with though, just to get used to it.

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-01-22 02:25am

But....what if it's Ver who's calling you? *raises eyebrows and does a booboo lip*

Ando's gf does something pretty funny when she answers the phone; she's been studying Italian because we're going to meet up in Italia one of these years (she's my best friend, incidentally), and she says, "Hello, this is the Vatican" in Italian when she picks up the phone. She says it confuses the fuck out of people.

Keevan_Colton · Post by **Keevan_Colton** » 2003-01-22 04:09am

Personally, I usually just start talking complete crap to them....

T - Telemarketer M - Me

T: "Hello Sir, I was wondering if you would be intrested in double glazing"
M: "No, I'm afraid I live in a cave and have no windows or doors..."
T: "Um..." *click*

T: "Hello, I'm calling on behalf odf somecompanyoranother to see if you would be intrested in a conservatory?"
M: "I'm afraid we already have three...."
T: "Err..." *click*

And lots lots more along the same sort of lines....

As for Mormons and other religious assholes (btw you have an export industry going on from the US) usually just a couple of words and they are heading in another direction....if that fails.....smiling on cloudy days works wonders.....

*grins with his fangs*

Xenophobe3691 · Post by **Xenophobe3691** » 2003-01-22 10:57am

My mom always has a special way of dealing with Telemarketers:

First, she speaks in a HEAVY hispanic accent (She was born in the Dominican Republic). They usually hang up.

If they haven't, she starts speaking in Hebrew. I have not seen ONE caller that speaks Hebrew, or can even recognize it...

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2003-01-22 11:00am

Depends upon my mood...sometimes I talk with them...other times I let my cats play with the phone.

As for greeting door-to-door folk...coming out looking like you haven't slept in three weeks with some form of cutlery usually shoos them away.

Lord Pounder · Post by **Lord Pounder** » 2003-01-22 11:15am

As someone who is now a tele marketer i am kinda insulted and kinda in agreement.

My personal method if to have any one else there shout "come back master" while i say "Get back in your kennel slave or you be punished.....Again and this time i won't stop till you pass out" then ask the telemarketer all sorts of personal questions. such as cock/bra size, if they ever wanted to live in a kennel etc.

For moroms/JW's i answer the door in the Gimp mask i bought for such occasions. The take one look at me and leave.

Col. Crackpot · Post by **Col. Crackpot** » 2003-01-22 12:00pm

i like to break out the trumpet. a few Freddie Hubbard licks in mezze forte usually makes them hang up.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-01-22 12:05pm

Preferred answer: "Please give me your phone number and I'll call you back."

They will answer something like: "It's not our policy to give out our phone number."

Explain: "My policy is never to deal with anyone I don't know. Sorry." *click*

Dahak · Post by **Dahak** » 2003-01-22 12:14pm

The line "I'm a student" usually works perfectly fine.

TrailerParkJawa · Post by **TrailerParkJawa** » 2003-01-22 12:15pm

You can always tell them "This number is a cell phone." Im not sure if it is everywhere, but my understanding is that it it illegal to telemarket to a cell phone.

THEHOOLIGANJEDI · Post by **THEHOOLIGANJEDI** » 2003-01-22 01:51pm

Lord_Xerxes wrote:Refers to his post in the thread about getting rid of junk-mail, which sorta turned into a telemarketer discussion:

Lord_Xerxes wrote:
Or moan and pant between sentences to give the impression of having a wank or a menage a trois whilst on the phone. The telemarketer may actually use the phrase "Did I catch you at a bad time?" for once. A rare event indeed.

As a joke, my best friend and I did this once, pretending to be gay...He started blerting out things in the background like "Come back to the bed...", "Why did you pulll it out", etc. Then I hung up on the guy. You know what happened? He called back again. Saying something like "I think you're phone disconnected us." I think he was getting off on our little joke...

It was at this point that I told him, "Perhaps you're not understanding the point. I am not intrested. I hung up on you. And now I will again." You know what happened? He called back a third time. (This baffels me, because I thought auto-dialers can't pick the same number more than once, or recall a number immediately after.)

He said something to the degree of "But we really want you as a customer." and I basically told him to fuck off. Then I went to my computer and fired out the Arnold Ultimate soundboard, ready to assault him with a barrage of "Why?Why?Why?Fuck you, Asshole. My CPU is a neural-net processor, a learning computer. Did your daddy teach you this game? Who is your daddy, and what does he do" and so on. But they never called back. Telemarketers really hate when you Arnold-board them. Infact, since I started doing that, we've be getting far less calls from them!

To make a long story short, the same phone company called back the next morning and woke me up. I tore the woman a new asshole and told her what'd happened, and if they were to call again I would sue them for harassment. She told me it was impossible. I told her that them being able to pull my size 14 boot wedged so far up their ass they could taste the rubber would be impossible. That company never called again.

That's Great!!! AAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!!!
Pulling out the Arnold board.

Jim Florentine has some Great ideas in pissing off Telemarketers.
He has three albums about it.
http://www.jimflorentine.com/download.htm

Coaan · Post by **Coaan** » 2003-01-22 02:02pm

Turning the tables on them is really humouros too....declining their offer and then try to sell them something.....like a year's subscription on aohell....

if nothing else it drives up their bill and they don't bother you again

Lord_Xerxes · Post by **Lord_Xerxes** » 2003-01-22 02:06pm

THEHOOLIGANJEDI wrote:That's Great!!! AAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!!!
Pulling out the Arnold board.

You'd be surprised at how long some of these calls last, even after Arnold has called them "You sunva bitch." 6 times, followed by "How are you?" 3 more.

The Arnold board is very verstile. Use it to harrass your friends. Use it to wake up your hated enemies at 3 am. Use it on Fast Food places. Use it in Voice Chat (preferably "Holier Than Thou Fundie Chat:1") when there are some particular ridiculous people talking. It knows no bounds!

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2003-01-22 02:11pm

One time, a friend of mine yelled "I HAVE A CHUBBY - FOR YOU!" at a telemarketer. That worked pretty well.

Post by **Kuja** » 2003-01-22 02:13pm

TM: Hello, this is-

ME: (in an Arabic-sounding voice) WAT? Wat do you want?

TM: Uh, we'd like to tell you-

ME: You have interrupted my dinner! My camel is angry!

TM: Camel?

ME: Yes, my camel! He is mad! He will spit on you!

TM: Uh....

ME: Excuse me a moment, it is time for my daily prayer. (bizarre Islamic chanting for 5 seconds) Thank you, I must go now. *click*

Keevan_Colton · Post by **Keevan_Colton** » 2003-01-22 02:15pm

IG-88E wrote:TM: Hello, this is-

ME: (in an Arabic-sounding voice) WAT? Wat do you want?

TM: Uh, we'd like to tell you-

ME: You have interrupted my dinner! My camel is angry!

TM: Camel?

ME: Yes, my camel! He is mad! He will spit on you!

TM: Uh....

ME: Excuse me a moment, it is time for my daily prayer. (bizarre Islamic chanting for 5 seconds) Thank you, I must go now. *click*

Excellent...though any death metal tune full blast into the phone works wonders too.....

RedImperator · Post by **RedImperator** » 2003-01-22 02:33pm

Most telemarkers hang up when they're informed they've reached the "Adolph Hitler Memoral Charm School", the "Jeffery Dhalmer Culinary Institute", or the "Lizzie Borden Family Counseling Center and Lumberjack College".

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2003-01-22 02:41pm

RedImperator wrote:Most telemarkers hang up when they're informed they've reached the "Adolph Hitler Memoral Charm School", the "Jeffery Dhalmer Culinary Institute", or the "Lizzie Borden Family Counseling Center and Lumberjack College".

How about "The J.F.K. Jr. School of Aeronautics"?

Keevan_Colton · Post by **Keevan_Colton** » 2003-01-22 02:49pm

Or if they want to sell a conservatory, say you already have one complete with patio fitted by that nice Mr West a few years back....but that....now you think on it...you havent seen the people from no 27 since then.....

Shadow Walker · Post by **Shadow Walker** » 2003-01-22 02:52pm

I uasually listen to them until there iniatial talk is over, then say "no thank you," and hang up. I'm to olite to just hang up on them right off the bat.