The DPRK has announced a new weapon...

phongn · Post by **phongn** » 2003-01-23 01:58pm

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA (The Onion) —Responding to mounting pressure and increasingly confrontational rhetoric from the outside world, North Korean president Kim Jong Il unfolded into a 70-foot-tall, 62-ton giant robot Monday.
Above: Kim Jong Il marches through the streets of Pyongyang.
Above: Kim Jong Il marches through the streets of Pyongyang.

"The DPRK's nuclear program is very much its own business, as is its right to determine its own path of security," said Kim, his torso splitting along ventral seams as clusters of Taepo-Dong ICBMs rose from his shoulders. "Any attempt by Washington to decide our fate will surely result in a sea of fire being unleashed upon them."

As his arms and legs sheathed themselves in bulletproof Mecha-Muscle telescoping outward from his chest, Kim reiterated his refusal to bow to international demands.

"Constant criticism from outside indicates mistrust of our promise to refrain from missile tests," said Kim, speaking over the mechanical shriek of wingblades sprouting from his back. "Only trust from the U.S. that we will keep our word can prevent World War III."

"The imperialist West is holding my country to standards which it does not see fit to meet itself," continued Kim, his voice now a metallic, digitized boom emanating from somewhere within the titanium helmet sheathing his head. "This does not surprise me, as they are well-famed for their lies."

"Pyongyang Dynamo Power Punch!" added Kim, as he released his fist-modules skyward with twin robotic uppercuts.

While the Bush Administration remains publicly confident that a diplomatic solution can be reached, top officials admit that the situation has become more complicated.
Above: A South Korean border soldier eyes Kim Jong Il in the Demilitarized Zone.
Above: A South Korean border soldier eyes Kim Jong Il in the Demilitarized Zone.

"If we add Kim Jong Il's transformation into a giant robot to his already defiant isolationist stance and his country's known nuclear capability, the diplomatic terrain definitely becomes more rocky," U.S. envoy James Kelly said. "Kim has made it clear that, if sufficiently threatened, he will not hesitate to use nuclear weapons or his arm-mounted HyperBazooka."

Added Kelly: "We are also forced to consider the possibility that Kim may attempt to robo-meld with other members of the Axis of Evil, forming a MegaMecha-Optima-Robosoldier. Kim would make a powerful right arm—or even a torso—for such a mechanism."

During a visit Monday to the Demilitarized Zone dividing the Korean peninsula, Kim stressed that his transformation was not an act of aggression, but rather an attempt to defend his nation's autonomy.

"The DPRK must not be subject to the whims of an international coalition with no regard for the welfare of the Korean people," said Kim before stomping the ground with his foot, unleashing a devastating ring of energy that vaporized nearby reporters and military vehicles. "Catastrophic Valiant Kim-Chee Earthquake Stomp-Kick!"

Linkage, with pictures

The Dark · Post by **The Dark** » 2003-01-23 06:22pm

You bastard, I completely missed the "The Onion" byline until I clicked the link. I also missed the really stupid stuff because I was skimming so fast. This is hilarious.

Post by **Beowulf** » 2003-01-23 06:43pm

*watches as tanks demolish the mech...*

phongn · Post by **phongn** » 2003-01-23 07:12pm

The Dark wrote:You bastard, I completely missed the "The Onion" byline until I clicked the link.

Singular Quartet · Post by **Singular Quartet** » 2003-01-23 07:47pm

I hate people that out post stuff I'm about to post...

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2003-01-24 07:45am

Singuler Quartet wrote:I hate people that out post stuff I'm about to post...

Then just post something else. I'm sure the Onion, or any satiricfal site for that matter, has a lot of stuff worth copying, pasting, and posting over here.

Spanky The Dolphin · Post by **Spanky The Dolphin** » 2003-01-24 07:49am

It's basically a built-up Nu Gundam MSiA (Mobile Suit in Action) figure.

Grand Admiral Thrawn · Post by **Grand Admiral Thrawn** » 2003-01-24 07:59am

South Korea is DOOMED....

Spanky The Dolphin · Post by **Spanky The Dolphin** » 2003-01-24 08:13am

Damn, my mistake, it's not the MSiA...

It's the 12" DX MSiA (Deluxe Mobile Suit in Action) figure...

Wicked Pilot · Post by **Wicked Pilot** » 2003-01-24 10:20am

That's nothing compared to what South Korea's been developing!

Datana · Post by **Datana** » 2003-01-24 01:28pm

Can't we just get Stephen Hawking to deal with this? It seems right up his alley, if http://www.theonion.com/onion3123/hawkingexo.html is any indication.