RAR! You are Jesus

The Guid · Post by **The Guid** » 2008-04-29 01:18am

You are moved by act of God into the shoes of a Jesus of Nazareth who, for sake of argument, largely existed as depicted in the scripture.

You must make most of the same moves as him, the only thing you can really change is your teaching. But you must still teach laws and parables that a 1st Century Palestinian could understand and record accurately by word of mouth. Long poetry about fission's gonna get fucked.

What do you do?

And I feel that since this is SLAM we're looking more for moral suggestions; ideas that people don't feel can be too greatly distorted, rather than "har har I rock. That's my teaching."

Dracofrost · Post by **Dracofrost** » 2008-04-29 01:35am

Well first I get real damn depressed since I know I'm going to dye horribly nailed to a plank of wood. I will definately include a much more unambiguous "love one another" message, and make the "disregard all that barbaric shit in the OT" more clear.

And I would include more about questioning, observing, the values of reason and being rational. Do my damn best to start more scientific type thought earlier. As well as spreading basic things like rules for hygiene (yeah, Torah has a lot, I'd update those based on my own modern knowledge of germ theory), agricultural reforms (plenty of simple things I could show them that would massively increase yields and thus provide more food for the needy and a stronger economy from the bottom up...), maybe I could teach them some shit about steam that this dude in Alexandria is gonna be working on... Between basic agricultural, metallurgical, and medical knowledge I figure I could pretty decently improve quality of living amongst my followers. And I'd try to preach against xenophobia and generally be a humane, decent person. Also do my best to screw up and get rid of all that sexist and racist bullshit.

In other words, basically just things a modern secular liberal person would take for granted as being 'good'. Hopefully between giving them better more modern morals and sharing basic science and very useful knowledge I could get a group of actually nice people to follow me, as well as help them out and make them more successful so that those values would spread. Maybe I could also teach them about the values of literacy and how to make a basic printing press... that could definately help with the spreading, and help from keeping the ideals uncorrupted.

Imagine the difference it would have made if Jesus himself had written his own testimony and gospel instead of it having to be written hundreds of years after his death?

Ryan Thunder · Post by **Ryan Thunder** » 2008-04-29 08:11am

Dracofrost wrote:Imagine the difference it would have made if Jesus himself had written his own testimony and gospel instead of it having to be written hundreds of years after his death?

Well, part of the problem was that he was a carpenter, and being limited by his manifestation (for lack of a better way to describe it), wouldn't have known how to write. Presumably, neither would you.

Regarding the OP, I'd either be a failure of a Messiah (dooming us all to judgement by our works and inevitable failure as a result) or empowered by God with the same results.

I certainly wouldn't enjoy being crucified. Kicking the shit out of Satan and his demons Dynasty Warriors style in Hell might be cool though.

Darth Yoshi · Post by **Darth Yoshi** » 2008-04-29 09:35am

Not so. Presumably, since I retain all of my memories and knowledge (otherwise it wouldn't really be me per se), literacy shouldn't be a problem.

Besides, those plucky Roman overseers have people who can write. I can just engineer some sort of miracle to convince one to help me. I can do that, I'm Jesus.

Patrick Degan · Post by **Patrick Degan** » 2008-04-29 11:50am

I WRITE my message personally, but even then I know there's no guarantee of Paul and the future gospel writers won't simply make shit up. At least it's worth a shot.

WesFox13 · Post by **WesFox13** » 2008-04-29 12:11pm

Personally. I would teach to support your fellow man and also to disregard that racist, sexist BS in the OT. I also would encourage human brotherhood to all of mankind not just Isreal. I also would encourage more modern ideas such as, tolerance to other cultures, free thinking, a more rational way of thinking.

Oh and I would also say that people are free to choose to believe in what ever they want and are free to make their own decisions.

TithonusSyndrome · Post by **TithonusSyndrome** » 2008-04-29 03:09pm

I flee to China and try to settle in with a Buddhist monastery, where hopefully no Romans or pharisees will hunt me down.

Post by **Coyote** » 2008-04-29 03:46pm

"In order to understand the comon man's problems, the priests really should be married as well. Trying to repress sexual feelings is against God's law, and unnatural."

Stuff like that, besides clarifying the kindness, charity, non-racism stuff.

Kitsune · Post by **Kitsune** » 2008-04-30 12:56am

Umm, tell them "Do not listen to Paul"

Post by **K. A. Pital** » 2008-04-30 01:31am

Yeah, I'd ditch the OT first, preach a God more in tune with, say, general cosmism, then say "if a dude named Paul comes around, tell him to get the fuck out".

Invictus ChiKen · Post by **Invictus ChiKen** » 2008-04-30 05:14am

"There was once a man named Siddhartha... The Sage of the Shakya clan far to the East..."

Basically make it a rehash of Buddhism. Along with warnings of Paul.

Lord of the Abyss · Post by **Lord of the Abyss** » 2008-04-30 06:46am

Well, for one thing, if I can really work miracles, I make a point of doing so in front of the Romans. Who, being practical sorts, will probably decide that crucifying a guy with genuine miraculous powers ( and possibly a god-daddy ) might be a bad idea. Not to mention that keeping a guy alive with healing powers would appeal to their self interest. Hopefully, I'd live longer that way.

As for my teachings, I'd toss out the OT, and really all of the superstitious stuff; I'd take a more philosophical route. I'd tell people to respect the rights and desires of others as they want others to do to them; that their goal should be to make a better world right now in the real world; that they shouldn't fear and hate people because of their appearance or customs or religions, but only worry about whether they mean harm or not.

ray245 · Post by **ray245** » 2008-04-30 09:49am

Perhaps tell them starting a war in the interest of religion should not be accepted as well.

Hopefully can stop the crusades and Jihad.

Darth Smiley · Post by **Darth Smiley** » 2008-04-30 10:45am

I'd probably throw in a little Locke-ian Social Contract into it - try and head off that whole "divine right of kings" thing that got going latter on. And, of course, make some definite statements about religious people in power.

Probably the best way to handle it is to say that everyone should read the Bible on their own, without priests to interpret. That would probably save Europe, at least, a lot of headache from the Popes and then latter the bloodshed of the reformation.

Tiriol · Post by **Tiriol** » 2008-05-01 12:27am

Darth Smiley wrote:I'd probably throw in a little Locke-ian Social Contract into it - try and head off that whole "divine right of kings" thing that got going latter on. And, of course, make some definite statements about religious people in power.

Probably the best way to handle it is to say that everyone should read the Bible on their own, without priests to interpret. That would probably save Europe, at least, a lot of headache from the Popes and then latter the bloodshed of the reformation.

You'd better be ready to establish some sort of general education system, or people WON'T be able to do so. And not only that but to ensure that such program continues even after your death and after the fall of Rome.

Patrick Degan · Post by **Patrick Degan** » 2008-05-01 12:44am

Kitsune wrote:Umm, tell them "Do not listen to Paul"

Better yet: "Paul is Dead" —and make it enigmatic enough to make people paranoid of somebody with that name ever appearing in their midst.

Ariphaos · Post by **Ariphaos** » 2008-05-01 01:04am

Mind his original name was Saul.

Would probably be going a bit far to say 'don't listen to anyone from Tarsus.' But I'd be tempted.

Given the uh, results of Tibetan Buddhism, I really would be leery about just starting another Buddhist sect. At least unless I learned more about why the worst of them turned out that way.

Starglider · Post by **Starglider** » 2008-05-01 04:41am

Darth Smiley wrote:I'd probably throw in a little Locke-ian Social Contract into it - try and head off that whole "divine right of kings" thing that got going latter on.

Jesus and christianity had to compete in an extremely crowded market for prophets and religions. Tamper with the formula too much and it will probably be outcompeted by something else. Removing the possibility of 'the divine right of kings' will certainly make it even less popular with authority figures.