Hilarious WH40K fanfics

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Hilarious WH40K fanfics

Post by Sidewinder »

I was checking out some of the WH40K fanfics on FanFiction.Net, and found these gems.
Angry Marines Chapter 1 wrote:227 M.41

The Battle Barge Shitstorm was alive with action. Marines rapidly suiting for battle, serfs getting the butts kicked for no real reason. The only place close to peace was the chapel. And that was because Chaplain Donalus, the Pissed was reciting the ‘Litanies of Rightful Ass-Tuning’.

“And so the enemies of man go forth from their hole and torment the weak and innocent. THAT PISSES US OFF! They punish those who have committed no crime and enslave those meant to be free. THAT PISSES US OFF! They work as the alien, the mutant, the traitor. THAT SERIOUSLY PISSES US OFF! And lo, we the Angry Marines shall descend upon their heathen heads, AND TEAR THEM A SET OF NEW FUCKING ASSHOLES!” The chapel erupted with shouts of agreement. “WE ARE THE ANGRY MARINES!” began Donalus.

“WE’RE ANGRY DAMN IT!” yelled back his flock.
Angry Marines Chapter 2 wrote:Title: The Angry Marines, They’re Angry Damn It!

Author: Broklus Crassino

Taken from Excerpt of Chapter Rivalries

It is unclear as to when the aversion between the two chapters actually began their deep hatred for one another, and most that try usually give up. Whatever the reason, the hatred between the two Chapters is scathing rivalry at best of time, and all out war between the two at the worst. History marks such occasions like when Captain Sayuki of the Pretty Marines had launched an artillery strike on an Angry Marine fortification during the last Black Crusade, and the survivors retaliated stealing many of the Pretty Marines Dreadnoughts. Later however the dreadnoughts were destroyed and given to the Mechanicus, since as one Angry Marine described them “The compartment is too fucking tiny to fit anything! What, do they cut the Marine’s head off and stuff that in there? Seriously, you got a better chance of killing Abbadon with a fucking broken bottle than getting a marine into those shitty, puny things.”

Despite the random violence, they still can unite when the reason is great enough, but usually only if the saftey of both companies are at stake. At which time, there will be a duel between the strongest of both groups, each one fighting with only a chainsword. The winner will command the united groups accordingly, while the loser, well it depends on who lost. If the loser was a Pretty Marine, that marine would spend a the next few days trying to remove their own chainsword out of their ass. If the loser is an Angry Marine…actually they haven’t ever lost in one of these duels yet, so it’s not quite certain what would happen.
Spawn of Abaddon wrote:An undisclosed location within the Eye of Terror+

Ahriman’s secret study+

The Thousand Sons Librarian opened boxes and swept scrolls from desks, “How could I lose my staff? It had my name on it and everything!” he complained to the Thousand Son marine standing by the door.

Ahriman scowled at him (not that he could tell with his helmet on), “Aren’t you going to help? Well answer my!” Ahriman jabbed the marine in the head with his finger. As the stylised helmet clanked on the floor Ahriman stood silent for a moment.

“FLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” he cried in an ever higher pitch as he ran from his study. (3)

The two Thousand Sons standing guard outside exchanged looks, “I wander why he was so freaked out about an empty suit of power armour?”

“All is dust…”

“That’s your answer for everything!”
I'm inspired to email the authors for permission to use some of their creations, e.g., the Angry Marines and the Emo Marines Traitor Legion, in a story.
Please do not make Americans fight giant monsters.

Those gun nuts do not understand the meaning of "overkill," and will simply use weapon after weapon of mass destruction (WMD) until the monster is dead, or until they run out of weapons.

They have more WMD than there are monsters for us to fight. (More insanity here.)
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Post by J_Cayman »

Those two chapters alongside the Pretty Marines, Adeptus Orthodontus, Disco Marines, and the Lazy Marines aren't the author's creation.

Hint for the Angry Marines' origin:
"Lo, in the histories of the many chapters of the Adeptus Astartes, every primarch listed that has ever come across my sage and learned eye has found root and home upon a planet, which hath shaped and set in stone the character of that warrior of the Emperor that he would become.

Therefore, one must give pause to the Primarch of our brothers, the Angry Marines, that great warrior of rage for he hath never fell upon a planet. Nay! But he was borne upon the ethers and drifts of space, alone in his capsule save for a discarded copy of Battle Toads III that the Emperor had thrown out, a legendary artifact that had fueled research into vast weapons of war that it might be unmade and erased from history.

When the capsule had finally been rammed into a drifting hulk of an old imperial battleship, it is said that the primarch was so enraged and frustrated with the vile game that he headbutted out the adam's apple of the first survivor that he encountered, and thereafter killed every inhabitant with the remnants of the dying initial combatant."

-Historian Nwabudike
Histories of the Ill Favored Chapters
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Post by Peptuck »

Ah, /tg/. Your legacy lives on, spreading the legend of the Angriest of His Divine Majesty's mightiest warriors.

To clarify: the Angry Marines and their ilk were created on 4chan's Traditional Games board as something of a collaborative effort of lulz by numerous bored 40k fans, along with fellows such as Fap Warrior, Commissar Kharn, and No-Arms Abbaddon. Generally, you won't need permission to use them, as its hard to idenitfy who on /tg/ created them. Anonymous is legion, after all.
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Post by Mr. Coffee »

Please tell me you have a link for that shit, Cayman. Same at you to, peptuck. I want to read more about these Angry Marines.
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Post by Academia Nut »

Wikichan link to the /tg/ Space Marine Chapters

Be aware that this is 4chan related, although /tg/ on a bad day is nowhere near as bad as /b/ on a good day, so your sanity should remain intact. Also, for some reason someone really hates Wikichan and it will occasionally go down with all hands. One time someone actually went to the server farm, found the box, and deleted everything on the hard drive.
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Post by J_Cayman »

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Post by The Yosemite Bear »

remind me that they've also stolen my "Rodent Guard" also known as "White Mice" or "The Chapter that takes the piss from Adaptus Mechanicus"

first off, instead of the promised pure of defect ultramarines geneseed, the first White Mice were given Raven Guard geneseed listed as "Too currupted from Were-guld for use in Astrades, purge in promethiumj fire", then instead of giving them any war gear or STCs, they sent the chapter's first canadates to a world that had been exterminatused in order to contain an Ork infestation, and they were forced to scavange from the ruins of Squat and Ork remains until they could make their own.

End result?

Albino Space Marines that have horrible vision (Colour Blindness light sensitivity, but perversely excellent low light, and infrared vision), poor strength but a fucundaty in their geneseed that allows the chapter to thrive despite suffering causualties that are sometimes quite horrific.

and yet, the missions and penetance crusades that the high lords of terra send them on, make no sense at all.... (almost as if they are "Test subjects" for some strange project.)
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Post by J_Cayman »

The Yosemite Bear wrote:remind me that they've also stolen my "Rodent Guard" also known as "White Mice" or "The Chapter that takes the piss from Adaptus Mechanicus"

first off, instead of the promised pure of defect ultramarines geneseed, the first White Mice were given Raven Guard geneseed listed as "Too currupted from Were-guld for use in Astrades, purge in promethiumj fire", then instead of giving them any war gear or STCs, they sent the chapter's first canadates to a world that had been exterminatused in order to contain an Ork infestation, and they were forced to scavange from the ruins of Squat and Ork remains until they could make their own.

End result?

Albino Space Marines that have horrible vision (Colour Blindness light sensitivity, but perversely excellent low light, and infrared vision), poor strength but a fucundaty in their geneseed that allows the chapter to thrive despite suffering causualties that are sometimes quite horrific.

and yet, the missions and penetance crusades that the high lords of terra send them on, make no sense at all.... (almost as if they are "Test subjects" for some strange project.)
I'm tempted to post this.
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Post by LadyTevar »

And here I was thinking of "Firewalkers Guide to the Galaxy"
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Post by The Yosemite Bear »

and firewarrior's guide is the best in 40k humour that we fanfic writters have produced so far....

also note for house rules in B&C, White Mice chapter of the space marines have BS3, and S:3 due to flaws in their genetic makeup, they do however ignore the nightfighting rules. jokes about creating a fumble table for resolving the kitbashed nature of their gear, are still jokes, though the fact that their "attack bikes" look like squat trikes and ork buggies is a point of contention...
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Post by Ford Prefect »

Every time I see the words '40k humour', I always think 'boy, I could try getting that Rogue Trader fic with the SDN guys in it back on the board'. Or, like, the Choas Dozen. That was some good shit.
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Post by Shroom Man 777 »

I miss Love Can Bloom
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Post by CaptainChewbacca »

What about the 'Chaos Dozen' that someone here wrote? That was the best ever!
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Post by Academia Nut »

That would be Kuja I believe. A pity he hasn't posted any writting here in several months, he did some good shit.

Perhaps some new 40k denizen madness might be needed here.
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Post by Sidewinder »

Some new stuff. This one addresses some points brought up in the Alpha Legion novel.
Nightime and Ninjas wrote:“Orders time. Alpharius, Alpharius and Alpharius, you take the bottom floor. Alpharius and Alpharius, you two get up that cooling tower over there and give fire support. Alpharius, you’re with me. Got it?”

They all chorused “Yes Alpharius,” and then promptly proceeded to charge at the front door of the building Gideon had been watching out for. Alpharius (the big one) facepalmed.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he said.

“Taking the bottom floor, like you said,” they all said together. They looked at each other. “No, he said it was me, him and him,” they all said at the same time. “Don’t be stupid,” they continued, “he obviously said for you to go up the tower while we went up the front. No, shut up. You shut up. He said me. No he didn’t, you idio-”

Alpharius (the big one again) raised a hand. “Right!” he snapped. “Shut it! I frakking knew giving you all the same name was going to be a nightmare to organise…” He made a half-turn, and pointed at the far end of the street. “Forget it,” he said. “Get over there, I can’t be arsed to sort it all out again.”

He walked up to the building, muttering something under his breath about wanting something done properly, and doing it himself.

Alpharius (the leader of the Alpha Legion Marines left behind) glanced at his second. “Hey, Uthor, how long you reckon before he gives us our names back?”

Alpharius (Uthor, this time) shrugged. “A week? Ten days, tops.”

“Ten creds?” (the leader)

“Twenty.” (Uthor)

“You’re on.”
This one... Hell, read for yourself.
The Adventures of the Politically Correct Marines wrote:“Captain Daenor of the P-C Marines. We’re actually a successor of yours, somewhere down the line.”

“Oh,” said Karvoth, anxious to get back to the killing. “Care to join me in slaughtering some foul xenos?”

Daenor shook his head, tutting. “Now, that’s the sort of this we’re here to stop.”

“What?” asked Karvoth, “slaughtering foul xenos?”

“No – or technically yes. The words ‘foul xenos’ are what we object to. It’s really not very good to be calling a group of people ‘foul xenos’ just because of their particular racial heritage, is it?”

“Uhhmmm… yes?” said Karvoth, struggling to get his head around what Daenor was saying.

No. The Orkoid race – much as I hate to classify individuals into groups based on such criteria – make a valid and possibly necessary contribution to the galactic whole, and should be treated as no less equal than ourselves. Ergo, no slaughtering them just because of a minor disagreement over who gets this or that bit of land. And certainly no cleansing the entire galaxy of every single Ork just because of a disagreement with one particular group.”

What was this strange Marine babbling on about? Karvoth couldn’t for the life of him figure it out. He seemed to be saying that they shouldn’t kill the Orks, but that couldn’t be right.

“Look, Captain whatsyername, the Codex Astartes specifically states that in situations like this we should cleanse the planet of every single Greenskin.”

Daenor tutted again. “Now that’s a bit racist, don’t you think?”

“Raci-what? Greenskin?”

“Categorising individuals by the colour of their skin is a huge step back in the fight for galactic peace. Rather, they should be termed by their individual names, or, if it is absolutely imperative that they be referred to collectively, then they should be termed ‘Orks, Gretchin, and distinguishable subspecies of the Orkoid genus’.”

That was it. This newcomer was definitely telling him not to kill the Orks. “Look, you,” he said angrily, “The Emperor Himself created the Astartes to retake the Imperium from the xenos and heretics infesting the galaxy.”

“And there we go again,” said Daenor, shaking his head. “While it is important to recognise the critical role that past events have played in the evolution of the galactic whole, it is also crucial to realise that the galaxy has evolved, beyond the constraints of past events. While the Emperor did have some laudable ideals, the way in which he went about realising said ideals is completely wrong for the galaxy as it is today, completely wrong.”

“What?” asked Karvoth, confused. They had a mission from the Emperor to cleanse the stars of xenos and heretics. What could be simpler to understand?

Daenor sighed. “Look, classifying people as ‘heretics’ just because they don’t share the same belief system as you do is not only morally wrong, but also an obstacle in the path of diplomatic relationships and peace arrangements. The galaxy is a big place. Surely there is room for more than one species, and more than one religion?”
Things get worse from here on.

Oh, and 'Angry Marines' has been updated. IMO, it's still the best of the lot.
Angry Marines Chapter 8 wrote:“And after the necessary incense has been burnt and prayers done, thou shalt bring thy fist above the unyielding machine and begin to strike repeatedly, while repeating the sacred words ‘WORK YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BEFORE I SEND YOU BACK TO THE CRAP HEAP YOU CAME FROM!’ until the machine spirit awakens.”

-Brother Techmarine Chagrin’s published work “Fucking thing broke again.”
Please do not make Americans fight giant monsters.

Those gun nuts do not understand the meaning of "overkill," and will simply use weapon after weapon of mass destruction (WMD) until the monster is dead, or until they run out of weapons.

They have more WMD than there are monsters for us to fight. (More insanity here.)
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Post by Venator »

So that's where Gareth got the idea!

A guy on another forum of mine made this Angry Marine Standard Bearer, as well as this Pretty Marine Dreadnought.
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Post by Sidewinder »

Is that Angry Marine... ass-raping a Pretty Marine?
Please do not make Americans fight giant monsters.

Those gun nuts do not understand the meaning of "overkill," and will simply use weapon after weapon of mass destruction (WMD) until the monster is dead, or until they run out of weapons.

They have more WMD than there are monsters for us to fight. (More insanity here.)
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Post by Ford Prefect »

I'd like to say 'no', but I don't think I can.
What is Project Zohar?

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Post by Sidewinder »

While looking through the Wikichan article on Space Marines, I found some things that weren't there when I last visited the site.
Manly Marines wrote:A /tg/ chapter that was made during a manliness thread gone awry, the Manly Marines are known to be the Manliest Marines alive, as shown by several fa/tg/uys:

"Manly Marines do not have rockets or some shit to propel their star ships. Instead, they just get out and push that fucker themselves."

"Manly Marine's power fists are actually unpowered. They are just larger so they can punch bigger holes in things."

"Manly Marines ignore the first wound they take every battle, because they don't got time to bleed."

"Manly Marines' plasma weapons never over heat. They just blow up from overwhelming manliness."

"Manly Marines never use Navigators to go through the warp. They just grab the nearest daemon and start beating the shit out of it until it tells them how to get to where they want to go."

"Manly Marines never deploy anti armor weapons. Instead, they just grab the nearest enemy vehicle and start beating the shit out of people with it."

"Manly Marines don't use bikes. They just strap a pair of empty rockets to a bear and then just charge at their enemies, propelled by their own manliness."

"Manly Marines don't have have Techpriests. They just have a bunch of people glare at their equipment until it repairs itself."

"Manly Marine Devastator Squads don't use actual weapons. They just throw shit with such devastating Manliness, that it explodes upon impact."
Reminds me of "Chuck Norris Facts."

Also, this has been added.
Classy Marines wrote:Die in a fucking sewer.
I couldn't find anything on the Classy Marines via Google. Who are the Classy Marines, and why do they arouse such hatred?
Please do not make Americans fight giant monsters.

Those gun nuts do not understand the meaning of "overkill," and will simply use weapon after weapon of mass destruction (WMD) until the monster is dead, or until they run out of weapons.

They have more WMD than there are monsters for us to fight. (More insanity here.)
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Post by The Yosemite Bear »

my most recent bit of Space Marine fluffyness was the "Rodent Guard" chapter over in Bolter and Chainsword.

Rodent Guard: We take the piss from the A.M.
what do you mean our machine spirit will be displeased because my colours don't match, I can't see any difference (Rodent Guard are all colour blind), adding to the confusion the chapter's gear has to be kitbashed or patched up from gear other chapters have lost.... (thus no two rodent guard look alike.)
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Post by Ritterin Sophia »

Lord Captain Sherman and Gran Chaplain Lincoln, fuck yeah.
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Post by Peptuck »

I was actually around for the thread that birthed this gem. I even added a couple of them - specifically, the Tanith and Valhallan 597th ones.
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Post by Shroom Man 777 »

# Blood Angels - When on the toilet, one may be overcome by The Brown Rage.
:lol:
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Post by The Yosemite Bear »

they forgot some from B&C

Dark Angels (The Fallen) Toilets- Lost in Time and Space believed to be migrating to Earth in order to releave the constipation of the guardians of his golden throne.

Loyalist Firehawks/Legion of the Damned: like the familar of inquesitioner schrodiger, the Firehawks toilets are there/not there and exist as both simultaneousuly.
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