Speaking in tongues

[Darth Wong]

An interesting trip into the twisted mind of a Christian who tries to explain this "speaking in tongues" horseshit:

Link

Some excerpts:

What is Speaking in Tongues and why does God say in 1 Corinthians 14:5 that He would like each Christian to do it?

No doubt that is a question that has been asked by millions of Christians through the centuries, and we believe that knowing the answer is vital for maximizing the quality of one's life as a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ. Why? The primary reason, as a study of Scripture will clearly show, is: speaking in tongues is the only absolute proof a Christian has that he is born again and guaranteed a parking place in Paradise, i.e., everlasting life (2 Cor. 1:21, 22; Eph. 1:13, 14; 1 John 3:24). Speaking in tongues is the only valid external, tangible evidence in the senses realm that the internal, intangible gift of holy spirit was shed abroad in one's heart at the moment of his new birth.

Please do not hear me saying that you must speak in tongues in order to be born again. No, anyone who adheres to Romans 10:9 is saved, permanently. Why? Because at that moment he is “born again of incorruptible seed” (1 Pet. 1:23). But, as we will see, speaking in tongues is the vitally important proof that you are forever a child of God.

The second most important thing about speaking in tongues is that it vividly illustrates to the believer the most basic principle of the Christian walk, which is trusting the Word of our heavenly Father.

Beyond that, speaking in tongues is a beautiful way to circumvent the limited vocabulary of our native tongue and tell our Father that we love Him. It is a way to perfectly worship (Phil. 3:3) and praise (1 Cor. 14:16) the Creator, to give thanks well (1 Cor. 14:17), to speak the wonderful works of God (Acts 2:11), to magnify Him (Acts 10:46), to edify yourself (1 Cor. 14:4) and to build yourself up in faith (Jude 20). And if you have never done it, I will help you do so via this article.

...

How tragic that countless Christians never take advantage of this marvelous ability. They don’t because they can’t—if they are taught that speaking in tongues ended with the first-century apostles, or that it is devilish, or that it is a gift for only some people, or if they are taught nothing at all about it. In the past 35 years, I have had the awesome privilege of helping to lead thousands of dear saints into speaking in tongues, some of whom were 60-80 years old and had longed for it for decades. With a few minutes of instruction, they easily did it, and many cried tears of great joy.

“OK, you said a few paragraphs ago that speaking in tongues is very practical. How so?”

Good question. The second vital truth about speaking in tongues, and also why God wants every Christian to start doing it immediately, is because it perfectly illustrates the “bottom line” principle of the Christian walk, which is trusting God and His Word.

How so? Think about it—God goes first, if you will, and gives His Son for us. Jesus takes his turn and goes to the Cross. God raises him and promises us salvation. Now it’s our turn. If we believe Romans 10:9, it’s God’s turn, and the Lord Jesus fills us with holy spirit (Acts 2:33).

God says, “I would like everyone of you to speak in tongues” (1 Cor. 14:5).

Our turn again: “Huh? You want me to fluently speak a language I’ve never learned?” The Lord Jesus Christ’s turn: “That’s right.”

You: “Seriously?”

The Lord: “Yes.”

You: “How?”

The Lord: “Good question. Remember Pentecost? What happened? They spoke in tongues as I gave them the words. So all you have to do is speak, but don’t speak a language you know.”

“Let me get this straight. You want me to open my mouth and employ the mechanics of speech, and you’re telling me I’ll be speaking a real language?”

“Absolutely.”

Does that require any faith, any trust in God, Jesus Christ, and the Word? It sure does, and isn’t that what being a Christian is all about? It always comes down to whether or not we really believe what God says.

The articles goes on and on. Anyway, it's interesting that they have built up this fantastic mythology about speaking in tongues, but no one has ever attempted to interpret this language, or can even describe what they said, even immediately after they said it. But take a look at how hard they push the idea: they basically tell you that if you can do it, you have a Guaranteed Salvation certificate. Small wonder all the true believers desperately want to believe they've done it.

[Superman]

I remember when I first head of glossolalia in an anthropology class. I was initially surprised to learn that people of other religions practice it too... but of course, their version is from the devil.

[Zixinus]

Does in practice "speaking in tongues" mean "sprouting gibberish"? Because that's what I keep hearing.

Either that, or its ignoring an important symptom of brain damage.

[Ritterin Sophia]

Does in practice "speaking in tongues" mean "sprouting gibberish"? Because that's what I keep hearing.

Either that, or its ignoring an important symptom of brain damage.

That's pretty much what speaking in tongues is, you train yourself so that you can self-induce a limited form of retardation targetted directly upon the center of the brain that controls speech.

[Pablo Sanchez]

he is born again and guaranteed a parking place in Paradise, i.e., everlasting life

I wonder about metaphors like this, where they relate eternity in a perfect paradise to something ludicrously mundane, like a guaranteed parking place. Even if I don't believe in heaven I still think it's sloppy and amateurish, and frankly demeaning to the idea of paradise they're trying to promulgate. Do they do this because they lack better words, because they're tailoring their writing to their audience and underestimating them, or is that honestly the limit of their and their audiences' ability to conceive of heaven?

[The Spartan]

Does in practice "speaking in tongues" mean "sprouting gibberish"? Because that's what I keep hearing.

Short answer? Yes.

I knew someone who would speak in tongues and even though this was during my fundie days I still thought he was just spouting gibberish. I didn't notice this at the time, but what I've realized since the discussion has come up on SDN recently was that he was only using English sounds.

[Darth Wong]

he is born again and guaranteed a parking place in Paradise, i.e., everlasting life

I wonder about metaphors like this, where they relate eternity in a perfect paradise to something ludicrously mundane, like a guaranteed parking place. Even if I don't believe in heaven I still think it's sloppy and amateurish, and frankly demeaning to the idea of paradise they're trying to promulgate. Do they do this because they lack better words, because they're tailoring their writing to their audience and underestimating them, or is that honestly the limit of their and their audiences' ability to conceive of heaven?

I once overheard a debate between two Christians about what kind of clothes people would be wearing in Heaven. And these were university-educated Christians. Does that answer your question?

[Kanastrous]

I wonder about metaphors like this, where they relate eternity in a perfect paradise to something ludicrously mundane, like a guaranteed parking place.

My next-door neighbor in the office has a little icon of St. Otto, the Patron Saint of Parking.

As far as I can tell, she takes it seriously.

[Zixinus]

That's pretty much what speaking in tongues is, you train yourself so that you can self-induce a limited form of retardation targetted directly upon the center of the brain that controls speech.

Are you being sarcastic or serious? I can't tell. Self-induced retardation?

[Darth Wong]

The best part is when the author brags that hundreds of people have come to him after being devout Christians all their lives but never "speaking in tongues" once, and they start "speaking in tongues" after only a few minutes of instruction. It honestly doesn't occur to him that this only demonstrates the connection between "speaking in tongues" and coaching, not God.

[Aquarose]

From what I can tell, Biblical speaking in tongues was this strange gibberish that everyone could understand no matter what language they spoke. It was like speaking all languages at once.

Modern day speaking in tongues is people wishing they were like the fantastic(and fantasy like...) characters in the Bible and mocking them almost in their pathetic attempts to follow suite. The few people I have heard do it, normally do it during prayer and I guess they feel better doing so and think it makes them more 'attune' to God *shrugs*

[Alerik the Fortunate]

I've been among tongue-speakers for a short time. A complete waste of time. They claim not to have any understanding of the language, but that it praises God more completetly than an inadequate human language like English. Secondly, the rapid fire repetition of mellifluous syllables makes it sound like just a comfortable pattern of sounds to make on its own, like an infant babbling. Third, only about 40% or so of devout Pentecostals actually are able to speak in tongues. The pastor who tried to get me to do it had a hard time training his wife to do it. Fourth, among those who deconvert, apparently a substantial number remain able to engate in glossolalia, even if they totally repudiate Christianity.

Even within the religion those that promote it are blatantly distorting the description in Acts, where it explicitly states that the miracle was mutual understanding of speakers of diverse languages, not unintelligible utterances. Admittedly, Paul makes some statements later on (I don't recall in which epistle, offhand) that indicates the incomprehensible variety was an occasional practice in first century congregations, but he recommended it be rather restrained so as not to make unbelievers believe the Christians were raving mad.

Lastly, they claim that speaking in tongues magically "charges" their souls with divine energy, though "it does not profit their minds" because they are full-blown retarded trichotomists, who believe in a body, spirit, and soul as distinct entities. Duality, though false, I can understand. But really, the soul as separate from the body and mind? "This is the real me, it just has none of of my physical or mental characteristics." This is beyond stupid.

[Superboy]

If you ever get the chance to watch someone train a person to speak in tongues, do it. It's hilarious.

The fastest way to train a person is to say, "make weird noises and don't think about what you're saying", but that doesn't sound spiritual enough so they try using Christian language to explain the process. "Open your heart and let the spirit of God speak through you." You can see both people getting frustrated when nothing happens and eventually they're told to just "practice by trying to emulate the noises we make, until you're comfortable enough with the Lords language to do it naturally". In other words, fake it until you’re really good at faking it, and then keep faking it.

I was also taught that when a person spoke in tongues, it was God speaking through them. This then required another person, who God inspired, to translate. If this happens in a large church, it can often lead to several people announcing their translations, all different from each other, at the same time.

[Darth Wong]

If you ever get the chance to watch someone train a person to speak in tongues, do it. It's hilarious.

If ever a situation screamed out for a camcorder and Youtube, this would be it.

[Alerik the Fortunate]

I'm almost tempted to go back and have them try to get me to do it and then start to go along before segueing into "Fuck you God" followed by a string of expletives I would never consider using otherwise. Though honestly, that would just make relations worse here for non-Christians.

[Rye]

I really want to do a mockumentary where I meet people like this and then go proper death metal demon voice on them. It'd be like mooning a group of people perilously fearful of buttocks.

[Alerik the Fortunate]

Actually, serious Christians already are perilously fearful of buttocks. Honestly, though, the crux of the matter is the ending of the article in the O.P., about "trusting God." If people could just be made so see that they weren't being asked to trust God, but to trust the word of someone claiming to represent God, religion wouldn't disappear, but it's power would collapse.

[Drooling Iguana]

Best account of speaking in tougnes I've ever read

[Phil Skayhan]

If you ever get the chance to watch someone train a person to speak in tongues, do it. It's hilarious.

If ever a situation screamed out for a camcorder and Youtube, this would be it.

The Lord helps them who help themselves.

Heh.

[Phil Skayhan]

Sorry, linked the wrong one. It's at the beginning of Part 15

[Magus]

I know we've had threads about Jesus Camp before, but this is perhaps the most unnerving and damn sick depiction of speaking in tongues I've ever seen.

Jesus Camp

Damn evangelicals. It's supposed to work like a universal translator - not random junk that needs a guy to walk around and translate it back for you![/url]

[Darth Servo]

I know we've had threads about Jesus Camp before, but this is perhaps the most unnerving and damn sick depiction of speaking in tongues I've ever seen.

Jesus Camp

Damn evangelicals. It's supposed to work like a universal translator - not random junk that needs a guy to walk around and translate it back for you![/url]

I like how they didn't bother showing clear results of the girl who prayed for her bowling ball and commanded it to be a good one in the name of Jesus. Looking carefully it looks like it only got one or two pins.

"...walk out among the pews and such and just pray over the seats"

Nestle bottled water is "the water of [God's] word", eh? Did Nestle need to pay God a royalty?

"Churches that God likes to go to are churches where they're jumping up and down, shoutin his name and just praising him. They're not acting, they're not quiet, 'we worship you' they're 'hallelujah God' you know and..."--fundie brainwashing in action.

And to top things off, they have a life-sized cardboard likeness of George W Bush.

[Gil Hamilton]

And to top things off, they have a life-sized cardboard likeness of George W Bush.

They not only have it, but actively worship it.

[PeZook]

Somebody has to do that Hitler speech schtick we've proposed in the Rolling Stone vs. Jesus Camp thread.

Can you imagine that?

Guy: Es ist Zeit für Rache! Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!

Audience: Hallelujah, praise the Lord!

[SirNitram]

The Gift Of Speaking In Tongues would definitely be solid proof of something most would label supernatural(I phrase it that way because the word is nonsensical). Perhaps it would even prove the Christian God.

Of course, the Gift Of Tongues is forever distorted into gibbering madly, not the perfect comprehension of all languages. That being said, with the few who've read the passage, you can freak them out by translating the gibbering.