My little D&D fanfic

[Alyrium Denryle]

Elryn Doomspell stormed through the doors and into the main council room in the Main guildhall. A huge room lit by dozens of torches with hundreds of seats arranged like an arena for the leaders of the guilds that encompass every aspect of life in the city of Iristilan


"I just read the financial report, It seems my friends that you have cut public funding for the mages guild by 500,000 gold crowns a month" The black robed Elf said.

"Yes he have MAGE, we have found your projects trivial and of no importance to this fair city of Iristilan, you want power andhave no interest in this city" said a Dwarf by the name or Thoradin Skullsmasher

"Well you would say that as head of the fighters guild DWARF, your kind has never liked magic"

"Besides that magic is dangerous and should not be in the hands of mortals to begin with"

"That is why my guild exists, to control and regulate magic. This my friends is why you dont put a xenophobic DWARF fundamentalist in a position of power, they will attempt to destroy or suppress what they do not understand. Will I at least be given the opportunity to show to this council that magic is a tool to used and not feared" Elryn said his voice tinged with hatred, and desperation.
Looking around he already knew the councils answer he would have to use desperate measures, concentrating on the weave he called forth a suggestion spell. The arcane runes flashed in his mind as he mentally performed the gestures and words that would complete the spell.

"Your argument has merit" the spokesperson said after a vote from the council. "You will be able to prove your case" he said. Elryn sighed with relief

At that moment a call to arms was sounded from the city walls. In what seemed to be one fluid movement each guild master stood up and went through the doors behind them, Elryn and Thoradin used the main doors.

When they arrived on the north wall an army of staggering proportions awaited them. Initial counts reveal an army of at least fifty thousand orcs, all clad in chain mail and armed with short bow and great axe.

A few minutes later an ogre mage in a heralds uniform approached the walls under a white flag

"We demand the immediate unconditional surrender of the city of Iristilan. If you fail to comply with our demand you will suffer siege and attack, and we will not take prisoners"

"Your demands have already been considered and are summarily rejected"Elryn said
"Archers, send that scum back to the nine hells where he belongs"said skullsmasher

A hail of arrows flew from the walls turning the ogre mage into a pincushion in a shower of blood.

A few seconds later a hail of arrows so thick it blocked out the sun rose from the orcish horde and threatened to rain certain death on the defenders, But the cities mages had something different in mind they raised their hands toward the onslaught and muttered a single word "shjielnd"and hundreds of man sized disks appeared in front of them, these disks immediately moved to intercept the rain of death, a few made it through but an even smaller number hit their marks.

It was then that battle was joined The city mages raised walls of force to form a roof over the wall so they would not have to use spells to shield themselves from arrows. The archers on both sides began targeting individuals to conserve arrows and increase accuracy. Several minutes into combat the walls shuddered as boulders launched from trebuchets hit the walls.

During this time orcish troops began filling in the moat in order bring in siege ladders and battering rams to bear.

The ogre mages began chanting and the orcish dead began to rise as skeletons continuing the tasks they had been doing prior to death.

The mages on the walls began to form into a line across the wall they unfolded their hands, energy crackling between them, they raised their hands through the crenellations in the wall and said the phrase phearin doras vectan and balls of flame shot from their outstretched hands. They hit the ground and exploded turning everything within six meters into burning cinders. Some of the orcs managed to leap out of the way and save themselves from the worst of the flames, but the majority in the fires path succumbed to the searing flames.

The explosions sent many of the orcs into a frenzy of rage and they charged the moat and walls attempting to overwhelm the defense by sheer force of numbers, the arrows from the archers were not enough to halt t berserker charge. But the mages had something else in store. Little known to anyone the moat of this city is salty as it has no exit to the nearby river taking advantage of this, they when the ors where almost to the top of the walls energy aced between the mages hands and lightning arced from orc to orc. The mages then disintegrated the bodies.

The battle was going well and most of the ogre mages had been vaporized by the fireballs and lighting bolts from the walls. It was then that the orcish siege engines managed to pound a breach in the city walls, the rubble from which filled in the moat and allowed hundreds of orcs to pour in, the mages tried to close the breach with a wall of force but their magic would not function there was an anti-magic field centered on the breach. It was then that the battle was joined in melee combat. As mages stood outside the anti-magic field and pounded the orcs with small offensive spells, dozens of magic missiles and minor orb spells streaming from their fingers, while more combat oriented mages cast protective spells on themselves and entered combat with enchanted weapons, while arcane archers pelted every greenskin with magical arrows.

Several hours of combat and hundreds of Iristilian deaths later the smoke and dust cleared to reveal fifty thousand dead orcs and five hundred humans, two hundred elves, and one thousand dead dwarves including Thoradine Skullsmasher, cut down by orcish axes. Elryn himself was not without injury, an arrow in his right shoulder and a small slash-wound to his mid-section. He stood over his onetime enemy, and weeping, picked up his corpse and carried him to the temple of Kelemvor for a proper burial.[/i]

[Eleas]

<snip>

Punctuation should be improved. Otherwise it looks okay.

[Mr Bean]

Fair...

[Alyrium Denryle]

Constructive criticism would be welcome.

[Cpt_Frank]

Very nice overall. Constructive criticism... hmmm...

for a proper burial

personally I'd have liked 'funeral' better. That's all that I can find so far.

[Mr Bean]

Hmm suggestions?
Alright I did no care for it, It did not connect to me on any emotial level, Standered tatic from some writers is you know you have a good thing if it makes you feel an emoition

For example take Stravo's Writting, Several times I felt my self wanting to yell things like BOYAH! or what-not as some other smackdown occured or I was pertiped or distribed but it CONNECTED to me

This fanfic lacks all of that, I felt no changes at all, I felt like I was reading the weather report and it was 70 *F outside with cleanskys.. Nothing graped my attention...

[Graeme Dice]

Just how many level 5 mages are there in this city to cast protection from normal missiles? Or were those shield spells?

[Jack Lain]

Elryn Doomspell stormed through the doors and into the main council room in the Main guildhall. A huge room lit by dozens of torches with hundreds of seats arranged like an arena for the leaders of the guilds that encompass every aspect of life in the city of Iristilan
-Kill the last name or change it. Make it Domspell or something. Fantasy writing is subtle, reflect the reality that way. Or give us a totally alien name, but explain later its English translation.
Do not use numbers twice in a description. Say torches lit the hundreds of seats. We as readers will fill the torches in with our imagination.

"I just read the financial report, It seems my friends that you have cut public funding for the mages guild by 500,000 gold crowns a month" The black robed Elf said.
-just say report

"Yes he have MAGE, we have found your projects trivial and of no importance to this fair city of Iristilan, you want power and have no interest in this city" said a Dwarf by the name or Thoradin Skullsmasher
-don"t say fair. Just say city. Don't use capitals to stress. Use punctuation. "Yes we have mage! And we find your projects..."

"Well you would say that as head of the fighters guild DWARF, your kind has never liked magic"
-above

"Besides that magic is dangerous and should not be in the hands of mortals to begin with"
-Ah who is saying this? When you switch dialogue quickly between one-to-three characters it is easy to follow. But in this instance, would not it had been cool if you had another character on the council back the dwarf?

"That is why my guild exists, to control and regulate magic. This my friends is why you dont put a xenophobic DWARF fundamentalist in a position of power, they will attempt to destroy or suppress what they do not understand. Will I at least be given the opportunity to show to this council that magic is a tool to used and not feared" Elryn said his voice tinged with hatred, and desperation.
Looking around he already knew the councils answer he would have to use desperate measures, concentrating on the weave he called forth a suggestion spell. The arcane runes flashed in his mind as he mentally performed the gestures and words that would complete the spell.
-I like it. Correct the capitals.

"Your argument has merit," the Spokesperson said after a vote from the council. "You will be able (allowed) to prove your case."
Elryn sighed with relief.
-Ok, this I like a lot. Fix the grammar and its golden! I added a suggestion for a word change with the ().

At that moment a call to arms was sounded from the city walls. In what seemed to be one fluid movement each guild master stood up and went through the doors behind them, Elryn and Thoradin used the main doors.
-What is special about the main doors? If they are on even par with the others, why did they go this way? Explain in your opening how wonderful or incredible or powerful the main doors are and thus foreshadow your characters with that physical description.

When they arrived on the north wall an army of staggering proportions awaited them. Initial counts reveal an army of at least fifty thousand orcs, all clad in chain mail and armed with short bow and great axe.
-Redo, a good scene but needs to be redone. My imagination can fill in the details. But maybe other readers cannot. Describe what they see. What is staggering? What is an Orc? Suggest or describe outright why an orc in chain mail is fear inspiring.

A few minutes later an ogre mage in a heralds uniform approached the walls under a white flag.
-this I like, but how is an ogre mage different than an orc? Add to this sentence and you have a winner. Describe the power differences. Don't assume we know, cause we do not.

"We demand the immediate unconditional surrender of the city of Iristilan. If you fail to comply with our demand you will suffer siege and attack, and we will not take prisoners"

"Your demands have already been considered and are summarily rejected"Elryn said
"Archers, send that scum back to the nine hells where he belongs"said skullsmasher
-Powerful, but bad punctuation. Plz fix this.

A hail of arrows flew from the walls turning the ogre mage into a pincushion in a shower of blood.
-No. Never do this. WTF is a pincushion? You must describe in their terms. The reader will envision a pincushion. But you must never tell the reader what they see in any terms other than your story time line. Unless of course you are writing in our time line.

A few seconds later a hail of arrows so thick it blocked out the sun rose from the orcish (just say orc, kill the ish) horde and threatened to rain certain death on the defenders, But the cities mages had something different in mind they raised their hands toward the onslaught and muttered a single word "shjielnd"and hundreds of man sized disks appeared in front of them, these disks immediately moved to intercept the rain of death, a few made it through but an even smaller number hit their marks.
-This is a really good visual image. Change some minor things and rewrite it as it. Fix certain death. Just say, rain death! See the difference? Feel free to email me if you would like to talk outside the boards skrip_t@hotmail.com

It was then that battle was joined The city mages raised walls of force to form a roof over the wall so they would not have to use spells to shield themselves from arrows. The archers on both sides began targeting individuals to conserve arrows and increase accuracy. Several minutes into combat the walls shuddered as boulders launched from trebuchets hit the walls.
-reword. It was then that the mages joined the battle. Boom! Bang! Death! Kill! Slay!

During this time orcish troops began filling in the moat in order bring in siege ladders and battering rams to bear. -kill ish, they are not orc like troops, they are orcs.

The ogre mages began chanting and the orcish dead began to rise as skeletons continuing the tasks they had been doing prior to death.
-ah nice, but again, kill ish.

The mages on the walls began to form into a line across the wall they unfolded their hands, energy crackling between them, they raised their hands through the crenellations in the wall and said the phrase phearin doras vectan and balls of flame shot from their outstretched hands. They hit the ground and exploded turning everything within six meters into burning cinders. Some of the orcs managed to leap out of the way and save themselves from the worst of the flames, but the majority in the fires path succumbed to the searing flames.
-grammar and punctuation, otherwise nice.

The explosions sent many of the orcs into a frenzy of rage and they charged the moat and walls attempting to overwhelm the defense by sheer force of numbers, the arrows from the archers were not enough to halt t berserker charge. But the mages had something else in store. Little known to anyone the moat of this city is salty as it has no exit to the nearby river taking advantage of this, they when the ors where almost to the top of the walls energy aced between the mages hands and lightning arced from orc to orc. The mages then disintegrated the bodies.
-don't say many. Just say, the explosions sent orcs flying through the air. You need to remember, less is more. Kill statements and descriptions that do not add to the story.

The battle was going well and most of the ogre mages had been vaporized by the fireballs and lighting bolts from the walls. It was then that the orcish siege engines managed to pound a breach in the city walls, the rubble from which filled in the moat and allowed hundreds of orcs to pour in, the mages tried to close the breach with a wall of force but their magic would not function there was an anti-magic field centered on the breach. It was then that the battle was joined in melee combat. As mages stood outside the anti-magic field and pounded the orcs with small offensive spells, dozens of magic missiles and minor orb spells streaming from their fingers, while more combat oriented mages cast protective spells on themselves and entered combat with enchanted weapons, while arcane archers pelted every greenskin with magical arrows.
-Kill well. Kill vaporized, describe it. Don't take the easy way out. Kill ish every single time.
Ok, this bothered me,
"The mages worked together to close the breach. But every time they chanted the "whatever" spell it failed.
Character A turned to his companion, "It seems as if they have some sort of anti-magic?"
"Aye, I feel it too," Jack said. He turned from his friend and drew his dagger.
The armies met in the center. (describe some war!)

See the difference? Use dialogue when you can. I like this scene, it is a great scene. Just flesh it differently and it will rock.

Several hours of combat and hundreds of Iristilian deaths later the smoke and dust cleared to reveal fifty thousand dead orcs and five hundred humans, two hundred elves, and one thousand dead dwarves including Thoradine Skullsmasher, cut down by orcish axes. Elryn himself was not without injury, an arrow in his right shoulder and a small slash-wound to his mid-section. He stood over his onetime enemy, and weeping, picked up his corpse and carried him to the temple of Kelemvor for a proper burial.[/i]

-Here is another chance. Make your story character driven. People like to read about people, even if they are not human. Show something like,
Jack sat down. Blood dripped from dozens of wounds. He looked at all the dead, his eyes half lidded with fatigue.
The battle had lasted for several hours and hundreds of bodies littered the ground.

-I am not trying to dissuade you. I think your imagination and idea is great. I am only trying to help you. If you would like, email me at the address I posted above. I'm more than happy to talk. Don't give up bro, this is a great idea. Just need to flesh it more and fix the grammar and punctuation. Then repost it. I know it will freamin rock then!

-Jack.

[Alyrium Denryle]

Thank you for the input.