Friendship Morality.

[Maxentius]

I'm a bit miffed at a quandary that I've found myself having tonight. Earlier today, I spoke with a friend of mine (who I'll just call A, for lack of a better pseudonym), and we planned to relax at my apartment after work, have a couple of beers, watch some TV, and generally not do much of anything. I've only known A for about a year, but we clicked almost instantly and became good friends very, very quickly.

About thirty minutes after confirming my plans with A, I got an IM from someone else, who I'll call B. B is telling me that our friend C, whose grandfather recently passed away, is back in the city after attending the wake, and wants to see Get Smart at 8:45. I tell B that I've already made plans, and that I'm sorry, but I can't make it. Etcetera.

Fifteen minutes later, I get a call from my friend D, who is very annoyed with me (read: downright pissed) for not coming to be with C. He goes on for about five minutes before I just hang up the phone, more than a tad miffed. To give some background, B, C, D, and I have all been friends since we were toddlers.

Pretty much, I'm wondering about this whole situation. I don't feel any sense of being morally wrong in not canceling plans I'd made already when a last minute alternative presented itself, as caustic as it sounds when I'm dealing with long-time friends. But apparently my friends, or at least D, seem to feel differently. What do you guys think?

P.S. Before someone brings up the scenario that A and myself could have met them at the movies, we hadn't planned on coming to my apartment until around 9:00-9:15, and I'm not the type that likes coming into a movie late; especially not that late.

[Winston Blake]

I would have told A about BCD and heard what he thought. He may say 'Don't worry, go ahead'.

Or, depending on the circumstances, the BCD thing may actually be worth cancelling plans with A. You've got "generally not do much of anything" compared to C's situation and BD's plan to help. Whether C is in town for long is another point to consider.

[Boyish-Tigerlilly]

I would have maintained the prior obligation too. It's silly to get annoyed at someone for making prior plans and not wanting to break the agreement. It's not as if you are sitting around waiting for them to call you or you owe them something.


I have "friends" who think they own my time. If I plan something, they will just show up and expect me to drop whatever I was doing to go out with them. If I don't, they try to guilt trip me.

I would feel a duty to the person I already had arrangements with, unless it were some serious circumstances.

[Napoleon the Clown]

You were totally in the right. It's a complete dick move to cancel on someone last minute like that. I know it'd piss me off to get canceled on last minute like that. I guess you could have seen what you could do about planning the movie so that A, B, C, and D could have all gone to the movies (later show time, A showing up earlier...) and gone from there.

[El Moose Monstero]

There's nothing wrong with what you did, you'd made prior arrangements, and in every normal social event, that would have been enough.

If it had been me personally, with a friend just returning from a wake (depending on their state of misery), I would probably have cancelled with A (as it was only an evening of TV and beer, nothing that couldn't be done tomorrow) and gone with the group aiming for the cinema on the principle that C might need some cheering up.

If D was bitching at you about you not being there for grieving C, then there might be some grounds for him being a bit pissed off, but not on a scale that requires him to ring you up and hassle you about it. If you'd already booked a table at a restaurant, had a date or made some sort of significant arrangement, then what can you do?

If D was just ringing up to bitch at you in general about hanging out with others, than he's an ass. There are always going to be the odd times when schedules conflict, and it's especially irritating when people think that they're the only friends in your life.

[Kanastrous]

I don't think you did anything wrong, although for my part I would probably have explained to A what was up with B,C, and D, apologized and offered a rain check. I mean, the whole childhood-friend-just-back-from-a-wake thing *is* a little unusual.

I don't think there's a "right answer" for something like this, although there's probably a bunch of wrong ones.