Let's play Dwarf Fortress!

[Vendetta]

My anvil will have many notches.

That depends how hungry we all get in the first winter.

[Ted C]

Two more dwarves are required, if only so their bodies can be used to make clothing.

Also, any suggestions where we should go?

I shall lend my dwarven flesh and bone to the delving of a new mining settlement to enrich dwarvenkind.

(What the hell am I getting myself into? I know what Dwarf Fortress is, but I'm fuzzy on the whole "let's play" concept, here.)

[Joviwan]

The short version is, A Let's PLay is when someone catalogues their experience playing a game as completely as possible, to share the probable hilarity with the rest of the world or his friends or whatever. They frequently have a macabre of hilarious series of events that lead to someone's utter downfall. Dwarf Fortress is the only game where this is guaranteed to happen. Also, expect grandiose language and heightened story telling. These frequently turn into a kind of fiction.

[Losonti Tokash]

Which job is most likely to die horrifically? Cause I want that one.

[Civil War Man]

Actually, I think Civil War Man should be the cook. It worked out so well last time.

[PeZook]

If you guys can't get a stable fortress 100% of the time, you're really damn incompetent

[White Haven]

Competence is not required to secure membership in the Dwarfish race. Alcohol tolerance is.

[Vendetta]

Alcohol dependency dear boy. Tolerance is for pussies and elves.

[Joviwan]

Which job is most likely to die horrifically? Cause I want that one.

From my experience with the game (read: vicariously), just about any and every position is set to die in a gruesome and unfortunate manner. Maybe you go crazy because you've been naked for six months, or maybe Gripdark insulted Slabstone's heritage and the brawl turned every dwarf on it's brethren. Or maybe they mined so deep that the Things That Sleep stirred from their ancient horrific slumber and rampaged through the dwarven stronghold. Or maybe a patch was just released that removes the ability to cook alcohol into your food, turning everything you feed to your dwarves into an inedible alcoholic sludge and they starve to death.

My favorite "success" was someone building a spiral pump so deep and efficiently that when they opened the gates into the magma pool, it exploded out the top of the mountain and coated the countryside with magma.

[Zablorg]

Never let it be said that the King is anything less than a dick.





You start off with fifty barrels of rum, too, but I forgot that for the image.

And, now, let's meet our brave folks who will lead us to glory! THE WHOREMASTERS OF LEGEND
















"Now fuck off, and don't come back!" the King cried out as they left the mountainside.



HUAAAAAAAAAARGH

----

[Zablorg]

Aw fuck, Sinister doesn't imply hauntings at all!

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

[Vendetta]

Aw fuck, Sinister doesn't imply hauntings at all!

Nope. It implies dooooooom.

[Peptuck]

The dwarven settlement of Igrisogris of Igris, set into the Guilty Hill, by the brook of Nutjoke?

Yeah, this one's gonna end up real well

[Ohma]

Ooh ooh! I wanna die too! Sign me up for one of the migrant waves.

[The Vortex Empire]

Sign me up! Hopefully I won't be a Peasant.

[PeZook]

Holy shit, PeZook's random game-generated description sounds just like me!

[Zablorg]

Joviwan the Expedition Leader looked at their designated surroundings. It had a nice, woody feel to it. Fucking elves. It was a good thing that their little outpost would have no interference from those communist hippies or the humangs.



Yes, it was nice, for a place of evil. As he looked around, he noticed seven groundhogs. One meal for each of them. He was wondering if this place was actually as evil as the mountainhomes insisted it-

OSHIT



Yeah, they would have to do something about that.

Or did they?

He looked around him....

Mason.
Blacksmith.
They had no mechanic or butcher, but they could improvise.

Yes, this would work nicely.

The party were still hanging around the cart, a good as any time to get their attention. He leapt up onto the donkey's back, who groaned.

"Hey, everyone, listen up! I do not want any crap coming from your meals scattered around down there, right? Any bones (especially bones) you leave, dump right here."



They would need some room for this operation to work, and if they weren't quick about it the Ogre would stop lumbering around and notice them.

"Hey, Acadamia! Think you can start? I only need a couple dozen meters"

"Right boss!", Acadamia chirped back, grabbing his pick and setting to work.




This would be their mountainhome. There would be no ogres, and no-one.... else.

[Joviwan]

Sir, you have just made my day.

[Zablorg]

Some days past, and the bone pile filled up quite nicely. For now they would have to proceed by building walls around it, made of wood until they dug deep enough to find stone.

Joviwan had not actually told anyone his plan, instead deciding that they were not open-minded enough to accept it. He had simply given them orders to follow. He had forgotten to mention that the Ogre was to stay alive.

Rawtooth had killed around two groundhogs so far, and he was pretty much perfectly accurate in even hitting such small animals. So when he wandered across the ogre one day, predictable results occured.




"NO YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER DONT DO THAT LEAVE HIM" Joviwan bellowed in one breath. So that the beast was not harmed any more, Rawtooth was taken off from hunting for the time being.

This changed everything. The ogre didn't pose a threat any more, but they would have to stop her leaving. They would have to build a wall around it until she recovered, which could take two years or more.

This was more complicated than it sounded. The dwarfs were terrified of going a hundred yards of the ogre, whether it was unconcious or not. The walls remained unbuilt.



So it was decided that the Acadamia would channel a perimeter around the creature, which would serve just as well. This worked quite nicely until she got hungry. The most direct path the the food stockpile crossed the ogre far closer than Acadamia would like. So she just stood there until she was directly ordered to grow some sheballs and come the fuck over here.



It became quite apparent that the ogre trapping business was a lost cause, and so he allowed Rawtooth back to hunting again.



But during their attempts Joviwan's mind had become so very corrosive. They would achieve their goals, with or without an ogre. To keep him occupied, She had Covenant fashion trinkets out of wood. hhe also, much to her confusion, had Acadamia channel a hole into the earth seven layers deep. He also built a carpentry shop and a mechanic shop, both of which consisted of a slab of stone. Peptuck built a floor hatch, while Joviwan spent the next few weeks building gears and pulley's and everything in between.

Finally, the construct was complete. Joviwan assembled a crude lever and wired it up to the hatch, which stood upon the huge hole that Acadamia had built.

This was all well and good, but the device needed to be tested. He looked among the files the king had given him for reference purposes and scanned for someone anti-social. He didn't want to make anyone upset by just anyone dissapearing.

Bingo!



"Peptuck my good man, step on that hatch, will you?"

"Yessir mister Jovi!"

Such a good little man. But he had no place.






Peptuck gave a horrific scream as he plummeted into the darkness that was once seperated by a plank of wood.

Joviwan laughed for what seemed like a minute. This was very... interesting...

[Rawtooth]

Yeah, that's right bitches. I fucking shot that Ogre until it was unconscious.

[Zablorg]

Actually I have no clue what to do now

I suppose I could make lodgings, but to what end?

Suggestions being taken for fortress direction.

[Joviwan]

I propose that my grandiose designs be applied to something slightly more productive... Something to ensure the future of my dwarven race while letting me toy with their lives. A.. grand, social experiment, perhaps, devious and uncertain, but which will have palpable results. I propose that we build a Vault.

Vault "Whores-01"

[Peptuck]

Well, that didn't take long. XD

[Zablorg]

I have reasons to believe that the Ogre can be tamed if it were to be caged.

How do we cage it? It is creeping slowly to the west of the map, and there's not a great deal of time left.

On the other hand, getting it caged would require a cage trap to be built.

I guess we could wait for another one to come along.

Or a skeletal ogre.

YES

[Covenant]

Generally, you want to get food production areas built asap, so I'd focus on carving out an underground farmy area, blanketing it with loamy soil, and then get a kitchen, storage room, mead hall and sleeping area under construction. If you can, bridge any rivers and try to insure that caravans can reach your Fortress--you can even build the caravan area above the ground and use walls to secure it, if you want. That's generally a bit easier. Then it's just a matter of making sure you don't expand too fast. Your murder-hole will be effective at killing off unnecessary members of the expedition, so that we don't have too many hungry, unproductive mouths to feed. I think killing off Royalty is a bad idea now, but I'm not positive with the new build.