Divorce - Healthy

[Kitsune]

I was thinking of this related to the idea of how long gay couples stay together.

Is divorce just a healthy part of relationships? Eventually, a couple starts to lose interest in each other and it may simply be time to move on?

The big problem does seem to be that divorce is very unhealthy for the children. Is there anything which can be done to mitigate that?

[K. A. Pital]

Is divorce just a healthy part of relationships? Eventually, a couple starts to lose interest in each other and it may simply be time to move on?

Not all couples lose interest in each other. Perhaps some do naturally; maybe they aren't too compatible and are finding it out over the years, or they are naturally incapable of long-term attraction. Others, however, are. I do not know the statistics of the whole "divorced vs. married until death", but it seems that considering the main mass of divorces happens in the first few years of marriage, that is more a compatibility than longetivity problem in my view.

Is there anything which can be done to mitigate that?

For smaller children (below 3-4yo), a swift remarriage of the parent mitigates quite a lot, if not all of the damage. For aged children, not much can be done as I see it.

[The Spartan]

Is divorce just a healthy part of relationships?

I would say that by and large it's the less unhealthy thing to do. Most divorces are painful experiences for one or both partners and it can affect them for years. Just as an example, my dad was divorced long before I was even born and even 30+ years later it was still affecting him in certain, subtle ways even though he and my mom have been together since '73.

The healthy thing to do is for those couples to not get married in the first place, but that's often a matter of hindsight.

[Darth Wong]

Divorce is like amputating a limb. There are times when it is the best option, but that doesn't mean you can say it's "healthy".

[Kanastrous]

I guess you might say that it's healthy if the relationship itself, isn't.

[Kitsune]

My thoughts are that over half of marriages end in divorce, unless one wants to go back to the Nineteenth Century, I don't see that as changing. I am just wondering if there is a way that can become more fluid?

[Darth Wong]

My thoughts are that over half of marriages end in divorce, unless one wants to go back to the Nineteenth Century, I don't see that as changing. I am just wondering if there is a way that can become more fluid?

I personally believe that over half of marriages end in divorce because relationships are a skill, and most people receive basically zero training in it. Worse yet, a lot of them receive anti-training, ie- training in how to do it wrong.

One of the worst things I see is divorced men trying to give advice to young single men. What the fuck do they know? It's like a guy crawling out of a huge car wreck and offering to give driving lessons.

[Kanastrous]

It's like a guy crawling out of a huge car wreck and offering to give driving lessons.

Although he might have useful advice, on how to survive the crash, when it comes. Which a number of divorced men seem to do, when offering advice to younger guys; what to do when it goes wrong.

[Marcus Aurelius]

I personally believe that over half of marriages end in divorce because relationships are a skill, and most people receive basically zero training in it. Worse yet, a lot of them receive anti-training, ie- training in how to do it wrong.

That is undoubtedly true. However, there certainly are marriages that are unsalvageable due to too significant psychological differences. Probably not 50% of all marriages, but almost certainly more than 10%. In the old day people often stayed together for the sake of children or because of social pressure. That was not necessarily a bad thing if the relationship was still amicable at least on some level, but if it detoriated to constant rowing, the children would have probably preferred a divorce.

One of the worst things I see is divorced men trying to give advice to young single men. What the fuck do they know? It's like a guy crawling out of a huge car wreck and offering to give driving lessons.

Sometimes people actually learn from their mistakes, and if you are really smart you can even learn from other people's mistakes, although unfortunately that is pretty rare in practice.

[Duckie]

Personally, I came from a very easy divorce despite being a teenager at the time (easy on the children at least, not on my mother), so much that it confuses me to hear of people with traumatic ones. So I might not be the most knowledgable on whether divorces are bad.

That said, I think the solution is that people need to stop getting bloody married. Relationships might be a skill, but I still think at least a plurality of all marriages are ending because those people shouldn't have been married in the first place. They get married because some voice in their head tells them "Oh hey I'm 20" or "Oh I'm 30, it's time to find someone and settle down and have kids."

That's what happened to my mother, and a bunch of other people I know. She married someone who she could tolerate... kinda... and spent 20+ years with him because she wanted kids before his levels of Jerkosity built until it couldn't be ignored. Most of these quick-ending relationships are people who are at the Culturally Mandated Settle Down Limit and their brains or genitals pick some random person who they convince themselves they love and they then wonder why they can't get along.

Now the having kids part is a bit of a sticky issue (adoption or in-vitro can work for single people who want to be parents nowadays I guess), but if I wasn't absolutely sure about eveyrthing I wouldn't marry someone even if I reached 60. The culture of 'you are now vaguely an adult, and adults are married' should be discontinued as soon as possible. As much as I love to blame men for everything, it seems to be a female problem, and it's lessening since women are staying in college longer.

I think the root of the 'settling down' problem is that Love, Marriage, and Sex are considered the same thing by too many people. (Or too many people see Marriage as 'Contract which makes it so we have Sex for the rest of our lives'. Now, this one is usually mens' fault.)

But I guess this is all idle speculation, since overhauling culture isn't really a viable solution for these things. And I might be wrong, as this is all anecdotal, but it just seems right to mine ears.

[Serafina]

Divorce is like amputating a limb. There are times when it is the best option, but that doesn't mean you can say it's "healthy".

Thats about right.
When a relationship (not just marriage) reaches a point where it only hurts and you can not improve it no matter what, its better to end the relationship.

Ending a relationship does not have to be a bad thing: Most relationships that i had changed into healthy friendships.
Most were a mixture of "losing interest in each other" and various insurmountable problems.
You just need to talk about your damn problems and are willing to take the neccessary steps.
And if there are unsolvable problems, this can include breaking up.

Unfortunately, talking about emotions and handling them in a GOOD way is not a skill that most people possess.
I actually think our society tends to discourage "emotional talk".

Most young couples (between 20 and 30 years, no longer than 2 years together) do not talk about ANY relationship problems. If there is a small thing that annoys one of the partner he/she just not take it as important - but these things tend to accumulate. And if there is a big problem most people just do not have the guts to begin a open coversation about it. Even if they do, most people do not know how to do it and tend to accuse each other or talk about anything but the problem itself.
If those couples are "lucky" and do not encounter any serious problems for a long time, they tend to think that they have a healthy relationship and get married, move somewhere together etc.

I would not call a relationship healthy unless it had a "trial by fire": If a couple is able to pass through problems from the outside and the inside (those are ALWAYS there), then they have a good chance to have a healthy relationship.

The best relationship i ever saw is between my aunt and her (female) partner (which is, technically, also my aunt due to marriage:
12 years and going, despite a hostile enviorment (homophobic mother), various illnesses and accidents (epilepsy, heavy neural injury and others) AND multiple internal problems (about smoking, meeting former livepartners, one (drunken) cheating etc.). But they TRY to solve their problems TOGETHER, talk to each other and are skilled in doing so (one is a kindergarten teacher, the other a social education worker).

[Caffiend]

The big problem does seem to be that divorce is very unhealthy for the children. Is there anything which can be done to mitigate that?

When a relationship breaks down to the point that virtually ALL communication between the partners is done in the form of all-out arguments then it is time to pack up and move on.

Parents divorcing is not necessarily unhealthy for their children. Having two parents in one house who make each other utterly miserable is a lot less healthy than having parents who live separately and are both happy.

Problems generally arise from the parents acting like spoiled children themselves regarding the separation. Vocalising their dislike of the other parent to the children, using the children as pawns in a power-play etcetera.

The only way to mitigate that problem, frankly, is for the adults in the situation to grow up. No matter how caught up in their own feelings a parent is, they have to step back and act in the best interest of the children.

I could list a dozen or more things that separated/divorced parents do which can be damaging to the children and to the relationship the child has with their parents, however, it basically comes down to the simple premise of not acting selfishly, and not expecting the children to turn against your ex, just because you have.