Ultimate Sci-Fi Barfight

[open_sketchbook]

Here's the situation. At the Bar at the End of the Universe (it's like the restaurant, but in a seeder part of town) four of the most manly men of Science Fiction sit down for a friendly game of poker. Starship Captain James Tiberius Kirk, Big Damn Hero Malcom Reynolds, noted smuggler and scruffy-looking nerf herder Han Solo and Ciaphas Cain, HERO OF THE IMPERIUM are enjoying the game immensely when they all suddenly and simultaneously realize that the other players are all cheating! Scandal! The four men leap to their feet and bare fists for a fight to the death (the only way to settle such a dispute) using only what's on hand; their fists, feet, other assorted body parts, and whatever they can pick up in the bar. The bartender is out back enjoying a smoke, and the other patrons will not interfere with this clash of men. Each person is dressed in their most iconic outfit, but do not have the benefit of hidden weapons if applicable. Q, who was enjoying a drink at the time, has decreed that they will fight to the death and show no mercy.

The Combatants
Kirk is a formidable hand-to-hand fighter. He can take out your average mook with a single karate chop to the chest and can take a serious beating from giant reptile men. If he gets he shirt off, none will survive.
Mal has shown considerable combat prowess. His fights with the Operative in Serenity make it clear that Mal can take a serious licking and countinue, as with a good timepiece, to tick. And by tick, I mean punch people in the face. He's also not afraid to fight dirty, hell, I don't think he'd fight any other way. He also has some serious experience with barfights, at least one a year for the past seven years!
Han Solo does really do much fistfighting in the movies, but I seem to remember the EU indicating he can hold his own. Someone with more knowledge could fill in some info, perhaps?
Cain is the luckiest man in the 41st millennium (also the unluckiest as a direct result), and he's not a bad fighter either. Though his combat strategy mostly involves hiding behind solid objects and looking inconspicuous, Cain is a formidable fighter and has the distinction of having held off Khornate Space Marines in single combat! He's also a human from 40k, which means he's bigger and stronger than your average person.

So, who wins? My money is on Kirk, whose brawling skills seem to be exceeded only by Spock and falling bridges.

[Crazedwraith]

Mal is perfectly capable of winning a fist fight after being impaled through the gut by a sword. He does about as well against the operative after the impalement as before. Mal's not a good fighter as such but he never ever fucking drops. I'm going for the browncoat.

Aren't wh40k guy going to be shit strong and enchanced and shit though? Is Cain comparable to a normal human from the other settings? He may edge out if not.

[DrMckay]

Cain, because 40k humans are apparently obscenely wanked out.

The scenario is a bit off too, most of the time, these guys are fairly genial folks. They wouldn't kill each other for cheating at cards. A friendly punch up, sure, but no killing. Besides Q would be more amused by who can render the others unconscious first? Unlike Picard, I can see De Lancie Q having a Beer with these guys and joining the game.

With either set of these rules, take Cain out,or level his body with the others and I gotta go with Mal. He may be based off of Han Solo, but he's a damn sight meaner, and is a war veteran with much experience in various forms of combat. Han is a former Street kid, Jubilar Free For All winner, and smuggler, and while he would fight dirty, he doesn't quite have Mal's ruthlessness. He'd be more interested in getting out alive.

Kirk is a boxer, and quite resourceful. However, Ripped Shirt Kirk is no match for Bruised and Bloodied Mal. He just gets angirer.

"You Wanna meet the REAL Me?"

I say Kirk goes off and flirts with Something, Cain hides behind the bar, Han and Mal clean house, get completely blitzed afterwards while commiserating about beautiful cultured women who don't appreciate them, and Leia and Inara drag them back to their respoective ships exchanging sympathetic looks and comm frequencies so they can commiserate about the idiotic men in their lives.

[Bob the Gunslinger]

Including Ciaphas Cain is not exactly fair to the other participants. Being a 40k human, in fact being one of the ones whose durability established 40k humans as 'absurd', he's going to have an advantage of size, strength and durability. He also has the skill and training to fight off massive Ork warbosses, daemons, Khornate Space Marines, genestealers, and Throne knows what else, and as if that weren't enough, it's implied that he has a small part of the attention of the God Emperor of Man looking out for him. Frankly, he's used to thriving in situations far more lethal and hopeless than a barfight with Mal, Kirk and Solo.

Of the remaining three, I would give it to Mal. I don't see Solo as one of the great barfighters of all time, and Kirk would probably rely on his charm and trickery to win where it actually won't avail him against Solo and Mal.

[DrMckay]

Perhaps replace Cain with the fellow he was based on, Sir Harry Paget Flashman?

[open_sketchbook]

Not really a science fiction character though. I can't think of a candidate from popular sci-fi to replace him though.

[DrMckay]

John Crichton? Jack O'Neill? Saul Tigh?

[Sriad]

Buck Godot? Not as popular as the other folks, but possibly on par with Cain and a hell of a brawler besides.
Maybe a particularly unbalanced (but inexplicably gunless) John Preston?
...I dunno, Steve Austin? Using Kirk and Han Solo as an iconographic baseline sort of limits our options.

[fgalkin]

Not really a science fiction character though. I can't think of a candidate from popular sci-fi to replace him though.

Kara Thrace!

Kirk tries to hit on her. She hits him back, and then tries to beat up the others just for the hell of it. Hilarity ensues.

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

[Count Chocula]

I pick the dark horse: Kirk.

In TOS, he never, ever, ever lost a bar fight - or any other fight. Klingons and Tribbles? Bring 'em on. Gorn reptile? Yawn (although he did make a primitive diamond-bullet gun to defeat him). IIRC, whether bare knuckled or with a starship, the only person he lost a fight to was Spock. Plus, he always got the girl, lots of 'em, making him a sentimental favorite.

And, nobody does ripped shirt(TM) like Kirk!

[Isolder74]

isn't everyone forgetting how Han Solo ends bar fights?

there are going to be a few under the table blaster holes here.

[rhoenix]

isn't everyone forgetting how Han Solo ends bar fights?

there are going to be a few under the table blaster holes here.

If he does that, Mal will shoot him in the face with his revolver. As said above, getting injured doesn't seem to slow Mal down much; in fact, it only makes him angrier and more determined. Exit Han stage left.

[Bilbo]

isn't everyone forgetting how Han Solo ends bar fights?

there are going to be a few under the table blaster holes here.

If he does that, Mal will shoot him in the face with his revolver. As said above, getting injured doesn't seem to slow Mal down much; in fact, it only makes him angrier and more determined. Exit Han stage left.

Yep, the guy who beats up Scout Troopers in armor is such a wimp. Also considering the chunks of concrete blasted away a shot from his sidearm will do more than annoy Mal. But this is a brawl so no weapons allowed.

Could make this more interesting. Each one gets their first mate as well. Kirk gets Spock, Han gets Chewie, and Mal gets either Zoe or Jayne.

I would remove Cain as being completely unfair, wank central and all coming from 40K. He could be replaced by Riddick (sans knives, this is a barroom brawl). Or we could replace with Jack O'Neil who as backup gets Teal'c.

[Uraniun235]

Not really a science fiction character though. I can't think of a candidate from popular sci-fi to replace him though.

What are you into besides Star Trek, Firefly, Star Wars, and 40K fluff?


Also, I cannot subscribe to this thread as actually being "the ultimate sci-fi barfight". Only four characters? Really? I mean I could see a four-character barfight being more intense under the right conditions, but not when it's a big silly crossover.

A much better concept for "ultimate sci-fi barfight" would be "describe how you think a bar brawl in a bar full of space opera characters would go".

[rhoenix]

Yep, the guy who beats up Scout Troopers in armor is such a wimp. Also considering the chunks of concrete blasted away a shot from his sidearm will do more than annoy Mal.

Show me where I claimed Han was a wimp, please. Go ahead, take your time and look.

Secondly, a much bigger impact from Han's blaster means its likely neither man will survive. A blaster shot to the gut is probably unhealthy, but a .45 round to the face isn't much better.

But this is a brawl so no weapons allowed.

When one is dealing with characters such as these, the possibility must be accounted for.

[Darksider]

If he does that, Mal will shoot him in the face with his revolver. As said above, getting injured doesn't seem to slow Mal down much; in fact, it only makes him angrier and more determined. Exit Han stage left.

There's a big difference between taking a gunshot and taking a shot at point blank from a blaster that can blow holes in a docking bay wall. If Han gets a shot off at Mal, he's going down.

[rhoenix]

There's a big difference between taking a gunshot and taking a shot at point blank from a blaster that can blow holes in a docking bay wall. If Han gets a shot off at Mal, he's going down.

Then as I said above, if that scenario occurs, neither man is likely going to make it out of that bar alive.

[Themightytom]

Could make this more interesting. Each one gets their first mate as well. Kirk gets Spock, Han gets Chewie, and Mal gets either Zoe or Jayne.

I would remove Cain as being completely unfair, wank central and all coming from 40K. He could be replaced by Riddick (sans knives, this is a barroom brawl). Or we could replace with Jack O'Neil who as backup gets Teal'c.

jack hardly ever fights hand ot hand and he's old, replace him with Cameron mitchell and Teal'c. Cameron got beat up pretty badly in Ark Of Truth and kept coming.

Although really I'd drop SG-1 all together and put in john Sheridan and michael Garbaldi

[open_sketchbook]

D'oh. Reading through my post, I note that I forgot to add the reason I posted the damn thread; I wanted people to throw other sci-fi characters into the mix as my personal sci-fi preferences are either obscure or rather narrow compared to much of the board. Somehow that got lost in translation from brain to post.

I'd like to propose Molly Millions of the Sprawl Trilogy. She's hopped up on god-knows what sorts of combat stimulants and has retractable razor blade fingernails. That should make things interesting.

[Havok]

There's a big difference between taking a gunshot and taking a shot at point blank from a blaster that can blow holes in a docking bay wall. If Han gets a shot off at Mal, he's going down.

Then as I said above, if that scenario occurs, neither man is likely going to make it out of that bar alive.

Uh why? Greedo had his blaster pointed at Han's face and he was dead before he got a shot off. Mal is toast.

[rhoenix]

Uh why? Greedo had his blaster pointed at Han's face and he was dead before he got a shot off. Mal is toast.

Based on observation of both characters.

But, I'll take your point into account to say this: if Han doesn't kill Malcolm outright with the first shot, then it would be likely both men would die.

[Zablorg]

I'd still have to go with Han on this one. Mal fights dirty; Han fights dirtier.

EDIT: Actually, maybe not. Have we seen Han in a straight-up fist fight in the movies?

[Bilbo]

I'd still have to go with Han on this one. Mal fights dirty; Han fights dirtier.

EDIT: Actually, maybe not. Have we seen Han in a straight-up fist fight in the movies?

In ROTJ he attempts to sneak up on a Scout Trooper, steps on a twig, and get backhanded by the scout. Han gets up and still quickly whips the trooper unarmed.

[Havok]

Uh why? Greedo had his blaster pointed at Han's face and he was dead before he got a shot off. Mal is toast.

Based on observation of both characters.

But, I'll take your point into account to say this: if Han doesn't kill Malcolm outright with the first shot, then it would be likely both men would die.

Well unless Mal has shrugged off anything the likes of a Star Wars blaster bolt at point blank range through his stomach and probably spine, we will go ahead and chalk this scenario up to Han.

As the OP goes, I chose Kirk, especially if someone tears his shirt.

[DrMckay]

You guys actually thing Han and Mal would fight EACH OTHER? they're both pragmatic Smugglers who enjoy a good brawl and shooting things. I see a Temporary alliance in the cards, and Jayne and Chewie shooting each other sideways looks before sliding Spock down the bar through the glasses.