YOU are in charge of SGC (Stargate RAR!)

[Darth Hoth]

Q has watched a pirated run of the SG-1 series and grown tired of the constant and painful incompetence displayed by StarGate Command. Therefore:

It is back in 1997 (or 1995, or whenever they set the original year for SG-1). Ra is dead, Jackson is on Abydos, all is well in the world. Then suddenly the Stargate is reactivated and in storms a troop of armoured figures with weapons similar to those brandished by Ra's retainers, killing several airmen and abducting a female technician. This first-ever alien invasion of Earth is considered a major national disaster. The President activates YOU to head a reignited Stargate programme, commissioning you a Lieutenant General in the Air Force to give you sufficient pull. You have access to the same resources as canon SGC but are granted greater autonomy over your command, effectively a carte blanche; you are free to make any policy decisions you desire with regards to alien contacts. Your authority is complete; you can even go with the SG teams if you want to, though that is very much nonstandard for an officer of your standing. You retain any memories you already have, including knowledge of the universe, and can delegate routine bureaucratic matters to subordinates if you dislike getting bogged-down with that.

The story runs along as in the series at first (as it has started with Children of the Gods), but will be changed by the consequences of your various alternate decisions. Unless you specifically order otherwise, the core cast will also remain in their current roles, apart from the overall commander (whom you replace, of course).

What do you change? Basic premises such as the size, composition and armaments of the SG teams are more or less givens, but your particular preferences might not be. In addition, how do you handle various specific plots and interactions with other societies/problems?

[Khaat]

1) Have the Stargate mounted on a gymbal, so when not in use by authorized travelers, it is pointed out=up (no need for an iris, when the stray "energy beam" or whatever can be shot up the missile silo and out the hatch, enemy troops jump through, then fall back into the gate's event horizon)
2) Hire better PR folks (to explain why there is a beam of energy shooting out of the top of the mountain for 23 minutes at a time)
3) Train for and issue more grenades
4) Standing order: pick up the bad guys' weapons
5) Everybody learns Goa'uld language and human (Tauri) mythologies
6) Move SGC offworld ASAP, set up encountered/controlled gates on gymbals as well: systematic removal of gate travel for System Lords (gymbals would be r/c, so you could dial in, rotate, then walk through to that gate/terminus)
7) Prioritize the capture and/or denial of enemy spacecraft, energy sources, control systems
8 ) Upgrade the Stargate interface (no explosions in the power vault, faster dialing), incorporate into a handheld device for "out of position dialing" by authorized personnel (to be upgraded to remote-dial gates with existing DHDs)
9) Improve gate room security (i don't recall if the System Lords' guards masks protect them from gas and/or stun grenades....) with shaped charges, concussion and/or gas grenades, acquired alien stunning tech
10) Recruit technicians (and SG "away team" personnel) willing to be robo-cloned (season 1: "Tinman"): acquire alien technology (helping Harlan) and physically superior operatives in trade
11) Improve robotics technology for RPV/MALP recon, to include on-board stunning-tech defenses
12) Long-term/colony projects immediately ("Standard Template Construction" resources with each)
13) Regular physical/psychological screening for all SGC personnel
14) Full black-ops against factions with designs against earth/the Stargate Program, foreign and domestic (kinda like the Tok'ra, but actually doing something) "Senator Kelly, this is P3X-972. The Nox, the inhabitants, have much you should learn."

(edited for clarification on point 5)

[Zixinus]

1. Effective immediately order better weapons that are designed to fire armour-penetrating bullets, possibly equipped with red dot sights (the P-90 is fine, although the MP-7 and PP-2000 also has desirable qualities). Also issue grenades and grenade launchers as well as have all SG teams carry at least a 3-shot worth of less-lethal ammunition.

2. Hire some proffesional war-negiators that train any SG teams for better negotiation and make them a standing if small department that constantly give lessons and excercises of various made-up scenarios.

What comes to mind in particular is the case where the SG team discovers racists. If the SG team would have created a plan to destroy the racists after it was confirmed that SGC received all the data and blueprints, Earth would have gained the knowledge of practical fusion machines. For example, Earth could have sent polluted deuterium.

In case of Tok'Ra, it could be negotiable to ask for an engineer in exchange for bodies.

3. Standing order: If possible without the loss of human life or tactical assets, always acquire any working alien technology, especially weapons.

4. Raise the security of the SG portal significantly. Remove the windows and rely on cameras, with a back-up periscope-like device in case of power outage. Have cameras watch the SG in every spectrum possible. Have hidden dead-man switches installed, known only to highest officers.

5. Set up several special VIP rooms for special guests, with hidden cameras and pockets of knock-out gas.

Otherwise, I agree with Khaat.

[NecronLord]

1) Have the Stargate mounted on a gymbal, so when not in use by authorized travelers, it is pointed out=up (no need for an iris, when the stray "energy beam" or whatever can be shot up the missile silo and out the hatch, enemy troops jump through, then fall back into the gate's event horizon)

You die. In the second episode, Apophis was dialling up every half hour and sending weapons of mass destruction through. He did this, on and off for days. As the goa'uld of this period possess gatebusters about the size of a marble (Singularity), that can even be implanted, so it's a fair bet that the entire Earth dies. This idea will work exactly as long as it takes him to toss a few cameras through (something he did, mind ye well) and work out that it's at a funny angle, then catapult some nukes through at odd angles so they don't fall right back down.

Even if you can rig it so he can't do that (putting a trampoline in front of the gate every time it activates, perhaps), in the early seasons, Apophis posessed bioweapons that make the stuff the Ori's priors came up with in season nine look like athlete's foot.

You need an iris. No two ways about it.

[Bedlam]

Institue a serious quarenteen system for anyone coming back trough the gate, have the gate room hermetically sealed and anyone coming back gets a full decontamination and kept away from anyone else for 30 days after being off world. If I remember correctly there are several first series episodes where an offworld team bring back some nasty bug or other, even if they didn't it just makes sense that if your your to go to alien enviroments or meet up with human populations seporated from us for thousands of years you might pick up some nasties. They were lucky they didn't bring back the plague or some version of Flu we haven't had back here and kill half of earths population.

[NecronLord]

Q has watched a pirated run of the SG-1 series and grown tired of the constant and painful incompetence displayed by StarGate Command.

Actually, I really can't fault them. Sure, they've done some stupid things, but honestly, they've done better than any plausible organisation could reasonably be expected to do. Thanks to frequent acts of plot, mind, but still.

You retain any memories you already have, including knowledge of the universe.

This is so easy it's hardly even problematic. If in doubt, do exactly as the series, except where there's a problem (Do not go to P3W 451).

Of course, nine out of ten alternate universes seem to get splattered by the goa'uld. But being able to contact the Asgard early (Teal'c, you know that planet the Goa'uld say you're not to go to? And made you memorise the address? Cimmeria?) and point them at the solution to their replicator problem... "Also, Thor, buddy, there's some renegades of your species in the Pegasus galaxy. They're jackasses, but they could probably

I sit back and watch the war mobilised Asgard sweep in and roll over the System Lords. I then set about harvesting alien technologies where I can, building spacecraft, and setting about arranging for the general good of all. Say, intercepting the Triia, making its crew go to Asuras and start a program to remove the irrational-hate-and-rage coding from the Asurans; at this stage the Asurans can't actually hurt Ancients after all - bonus points if I can get the Asurans to use their rather vast industrial might to improve the standard of living for all those humans.

Deal with the Wraith (via retrovirals to make them harmless if possible, otherwise, with err, guns) Then, a few years down the line, set about molesting the Ori. In consultation with this stack of fully operational allies I've assembled, that is.

[Bounty]

I'd immediately look into moving all main SGC operations off-world. In terms of logistics this would be a daunting operation, but later episodes showed backup sites with extensive facilities; it seems a lot safer to launch all expeditions from an expendable base and only use Cheyenne Mountain to resupply that base. Negotiations, prisoners, artefact analysis, all of those are potentially extremely dangerous activities that are better carried out as far away from Earth as possible.

[CaptJodan]

You need an iris. No two ways about it.

Honestly, I can't see what's the gimble provides that an iris doesn't in terms of additional security anyway. The iris seems easily to be one of the best ideas the SGC came up with (so good, no enemy dares try it themselves). Its not an impregnable defense, but I can see it being infinitely superior to "tip the gate up". It probably would also take longer to put it back into position, giving the enemy who is shooting at your men (on an unauthorized offworld activation) more time to kill them.

To say nothing of the already mentioned PR mess and mass destruction that would rain down. Titling the gate is a TERRIBLE plan.

A lot of these are good. I'd only add that I'd want to have some SG teams sporting vehicles through the gate. Small buggies or purpose built devices that can act as fast scouts. A fucking motorcycle would be better than what they've had on some missions. In the beginning I would use what was on hand, but eventually have someone build something purpose built with appropriate firepower and armor protection as needed. Probably one vehicle for fast and mobile operations, while another for more the brute force "We're coming at you with more than just P-90's" approach.

Additional offensive weaponry as they did use a couple times, and use it more often for guards at the gate. Variations of missiles and the like.

[Nephtys]

You need an iris. No two ways about it.

Honestly, I can't see what's the gimble provides that an iris doesn't in terms of additional security anyway. The iris seems easily to be one of the best ideas the SGC came up with (so good, no enemy dares try it themselves). Its not an impregnable defense, but I can see it being infinitely superior to "tip the gate up". It probably would also take longer to put it back into position, giving the enemy who is shooting at your men (on an unauthorized offworld activation) more time to kill them.

To say nothing of the already mentioned PR mess and mass destruction that would rain down. Titling the gate is a TERRIBLE plan.

A lot of these are good. I'd only add that I'd want to have some SG teams sporting vehicles through the gate. Small buggies or purpose built devices that can act as fast scouts. A fucking motorcycle would be better than what they've had on some missions. In the beginning I would use what was on hand, but eventually have someone build something purpose built with appropriate firepower and armor protection as needed. Probably one vehicle for fast and mobile operations, while another for more the brute force "We're coming at you with more than just P-90's" approach.

Additional offensive weaponry as they did use a couple times, and use it more often for guards at the gate. Variations of missiles and the like.

An Iris literally prevents anything from reassembling. So like in that previous scenario in Season 1, Apophis keeps sending Naquadah-Nukes to Earth, which splatter and never reform because of the iris. If it was a gimbal mount facing upwards without an Iris, the bombs would reassemble, continue with their momentum upwards, and possibly still have time to explode, if Apophis figures out what's going on with them sinking back into the Event Horizon.

Also, the Gate Room needs a serious gauntlet of defenses. there's many cases where so eone from it fights their way out, or from the outside, fights their way in, when that one machine-gunner and a squad of rifles just won't cut it.

[Mayabird]

Among other things, make a plan for informing the general public about the whole shebang. Seriously, maintaining secrecy for it just gets more and more unrealistic the longer it goes and the bigger the program gets. Maybe (though I don't buy all those silly alt-universe "Everybody panics and riots when they find out" stories) it might be better to keep it secret, but I would want to be prepared if need be.

[Starglider]

I'd be absolutely sure to save Hathor's sarcophagus, and/or acquire more wherever I can get them. That would reduce casualties by at least an order of magnitude. Of course there would be strict access control and 'extreme need only' protocols to prevent addiction problems.

[Bilbo]

With full knowledge this one is a joke. Within 5 minutes I have a fully charged ZPM (maybe more than 5 minutes but since I am using time travel here I can say 5 minutes) and soon after complete control of the Ancient Defenses in Antarctia. If Apophis tries to show up like he did at the end of Season 1 it would be game over. I would then get the depleted ZPM from the planet O'Neil went to. I would send that one along with a team to Atlantis. The low power ZPM will save the city until I gain more ZMP's. The one being hidden by the cult of Ancient worshipper will do fine. Trust me I will send enough men that a few fanatics with crossbows is not going to take it back.

I meet with the Asgard early on and as Necronlord pointed out I solve their Replicator and Cloning problems in about 5 minutes.

I am not certain they are worth it but I will save the Tollan as well. Once you slap their egoes down enough to explain how they are living on borrowed time they will make great allies.

Just to play it safe I might send a gatebuster nuke to the Aschen homeworld. Sure its a dick thing to do but those people are a serious menace and one day they may find their way out of their small corner of the galaxy.

[Anarchist Bunny]

A lot of these are good. I'd only add that I'd want to have some SG teams sporting vehicles through the gate. Small buggies or purpose built devices that can act as fast scouts. A fucking motorcycle would be better than what they've had on some missions. In the beginning I would use what was on hand, but eventually have someone build something purpose built with appropriate firepower and armor protection as needed. Probably one vehicle for fast and mobile operations, while another for more the brute force "We're coming at you with more than just P-90's" approach.

I'm not sure if you're forgetting it, or referring to it, but still I submit: THE BATTLE MAPL

Thinking back about it now, Season 3 had a lot of shit in it.

[loomer]

First order of business: Heavy fortification of the gate room and updates to all critical systems to make them more reliable (less explodey generators, please. Less computer bugs (though to be fair, when you're dealing with crazy advanced alien technology that requires programming beyond regular human experience, you do get a bit of a pass if it crashes out when dialing 8 symbols, or accidentally dials your local Pizza Hut and orders six thousand hawaiian pizzas to Abydos).

Second order of business: Updated armament, immediately. The majority of early season Jaffa are fairly well armoured, so something with decent armour penetration is a must. Considering that the teams will be operating offworld in god knows what conditions, nothing finicky. It must be reliable, high powered, ergonomic and easy to modify. Also required would be more shotguns for areas where the enemy are primarily low-tech savages. Less-lethal weaponry is a must for the same (tear gas might be a good idea, even against the Jaffa).

Third order of business: Hire additional SG teams. Draw from other government agencies and internationally to assemble long-op teams from Rangers, the ASAS and SAS, and IDF commandos. Once the initial combat teams are assembled (a few 'heavy duty' teams drawn primarily from the Marines and regular Army soldiers with excellent combat records wouldn't go astray either. Get in the shit on a planet? Call in SGH-1 for some heavy backup.), assemble civvie teams to go with them for mining, tech recovery, and other duties. Again, draw from extant government resources where possible - and make sure everyone on the teams can handle being out in the wilderness for long periods, because these guys won't be coming back for weeks or months, depending on the particular job.

Said teams can also be used to train up resistance on Goauld occupied planets, if they can get there without being noticed. It worked pretty well on Abydos, we know it works in reality. Have the special ops teams supply them with rugged firearms, plenty of ammunition, and training on resistance and small unit tactics. It'll make it easier to topple the Goauld later - and ideally, it won't bite us in the ass like, say, the CIA's deals with Bin Laden.

Fourth order of business: Get some goddamn vehicles in there. Can a Bradley fit through a gate? Then send it. Establish field bases where said vehicles can be stockpiled, along with additional weapons, ammunition, and medical teams. Do this from day one, instead of after a few seasons (though kudos to the real SGC for establishing Alpha and Beta command sites)

Fifth order of business: Reverse engineer the gate as best possible. Use spare gates from other worlds for anything involving deconstruction. Hopefully, at some point, we'll be able to cannibalize other gates to make ours more reliable, or even build new ones.

Sixth order of business: PR. Get cracking on warming the public up slowly to a full reveal. Make it so by the time the actual SG program is unveiled, the public is already aware that there in fact aliens, that mankind has a defense, and that the world is not going to end. If security is breached early, well, at least there's going to be less of a shock and thus less riots.

Once the program is opened up, keep it closed in terms of recruitment. No applications, just headhunting. With the now media known program, you can safely get away with directly approaching top scientists who don't have the same level security clearance as was formerly needed. You can also begin feeding 'safe' technologies into the economic sector.

[Samuel]

Sixth order of business: PR. Get cracking on warming the public up slowly to a full reveal. Make it so by the time the actual SG program is unveiled, the public is already aware that there in fact aliens, that mankind has a defense, and that the world is not going to end. If security is breached early, well, at least there's going to be less of a shock and thus less riots.

How do you gradually reveal this? All I can see is getting the Asgard to send a LGM signal and working from there, but that isn't very gradual. Maybe you could make a television series about your adventures

[Crazedwraith]

With full knowledge this one is a joke.

You don't exactly have full knowledge. You have your own memories of watching the show. That's far for the same thing.

Within 5 minutes I have a fully charged ZPM (maybe more than 5 minutes but since I am using time travel here I can say 5 minutes) and soon after complete control of the Ancient Defenses in Antarctia. If Apophis tries to show up like he did at the end of Season 1 it would be game over. I would then get the depleted ZPM from the planet O'Neil went to. I would send that one along with a team to Atlantis. The low power ZPM will save the city until I gain more ZMP's. The one being hidden by the cult of Ancient worshipper will do fine. Trust me I will send enough men that a few fanatics with crossbows is not going to take it back.

How? You don't know the addresses to all these places off by heart do you?

I meet with the Asgard early on and as Necronlord pointed out I solve their Replicator and Cloning problems in about 5 minutes.

How? they didn't even manage that in the show at all.

Just to play it safe I might send a gatebuster nuke to the Aschen homeworld. Sure its a dick thing to do but those people are a serious menace and one day they may find their way out of their small corner of the galaxy.

Just where is the Aschen homeworld? Do you know the gate address? Could you quote it straight off for Walter?

[loomer]

Sixth order of business: PR. Get cracking on warming the public up slowly to a full reveal. Make it so by the time the actual SG program is unveiled, the public is already aware that there in fact aliens, that mankind has a defense, and that the world is not going to end. If security is breached early, well, at least there's going to be less of a shock and thus less riots.

How do you gradually reveal this? All I can see is getting the Asgard to send a LGM signal and working from there, but that isn't very gradual. Maybe you could make a television series about your adventures

Hell if I know, I'm not a PR guy. Although the Asgard bit has given me a comedy option idea.

Have Thor host Coast to Coast AM and just confirm everything.

[The Romulan Republic]

One problem: you have complete authority, fine, but if you move to fast, won't the fact that you magically know things no human in the Star Gate-verse could possibly know make people suspicious?

[Coalition]

In terms of Combat MALP - just go with the HWP from X-Com.

For assisting the Free Jaffa, just take the staffs, saw off the counterweight, add iron sights and decent handgrips, and trade those in exchange for naquadah and trinium.

I'll need armor piercers for dealing with the first Jaffa, but once that is done, all those staffs will be disassembled, and the little power core in the tip would be used for auxiliary power supplies (like the one Jack used to make a 8-chevron long distance gate to get the knowledge out of his head). Admittedly top secret power supplies, but when your main power plant can fit in the palm of your hand, it makes laptops much more portable.

For shotguns, the AA-12 would be fun. Full auto capability with 32-round drum magazines. Buckshot for dealing with waves of primitive people, and solid slug for dealing with Jaffa (armored and otherwise).

I agree with loomer on using larger teams.

Just off the top of my head.

[K. A. Pital]

Then suddenly the Stargate is reactivated and in storms a troop of armoured figures with weapons similar to those brandished by Ra's retainers, killing several airmen and abducting a female technician. This first-ever alien invasion of Earth is considered a major national disaster. The President activates YOU to head a reignited Stargate programme, commissioning you a Lieutenant General in the Air Force to give you sufficient pull.

Oh, awesome, does that also mean the Stargate is in Russia? Because relocating it there would be my first priority

The story runs along as in the series at first (as it has started with Children of the Gods), but will be changed by the consequences of your various alternate decisions. Unless you specifically order otherwise, the core cast will also remain in their current roles, apart from the overall commander (whom you replace, of course).

Expect mass use of naquadah nuclear weapons, as well as highly trained infiltration agents, through the Stargates. Gotta hit them while they don't get the first strike.

What do you change? Basic premises such as the size, composition and armaments of the SG teams are more or less givens, but your particular preferences might not be. In addition, how do you handle various specific plots and interactions with other societies/problems?

I institute the "Progressor Corps" which is assembled from XX century men, who are trained and sent to advance the progress of lesser civilizations. At the same time, "Reverse-Progressor Corps" will be dealing with all advanced civilizations and trying to use their technologies and social advancements for Earth industries.

And yeah, the Antarctic shit is going to be found a lot faster than IRL; I will send people digging the crap out of that continent, to locate it by whatever means before Apophis attacks. Also, Apophis never abucts Daniel's wife, et cetera; because I force them all to be relocated to Earth without further questions, under gunpoint if so required. Instead, tatical nuke-armed Army and Airforce units are placed on Abydos - when Apophis arrives, he'll be given a good seeing-to. If our people fail to assassinate him, too bad, but I just can't see that happening.

The gymball mount is a good idea; I'm taking that.

[loomer]

Actually, now that I think about it keeping Hammond around might be a good idea. The SGC survived under his command - and his input, as an experienced military man, could be of significant value to a civilian commander.

[Darth Hoth]

Actually, I really can't fault them. Sure, they've done some stupid things, but honestly, they've done better than any plausible organisation could reasonably be expected to do. Thanks to frequent acts of plot, mind, but still.

Very nearly every major victory on Earth's part is the result of deus ex machina or stupendous stupidity on part of the bad guys. They do insanely well, but only because of character shields and wank, not because they are remotely competent in any way, shape or fashion. I have eleven-year-old cousins who can point out the obvious flaws in their security routines.

Oh, awesome, does that also mean the Stargate is in Russia? Because relocating it there would be my first priority

Would the President authorise that?

[K. A. Pital]

Would the President authorise that?

I conspire and defect, taking the risk. At first I'd conjure up some plausible explanation for my actions - like, for example, moving the gate on a ship to some sort of uninhabited faraway island, so that in case someone managed to push through a huge naquadah nuke, the US wouldn't get the massive consequences of that burst in the terms of fallout, etc.

Then come into contact with Russia and try to stage some sort of operation to intercept the gate en route, capturing it.

As the gate doesn't exist, it would be hard to prove anything for the US government without disclosing the details of the operation. So later I can blackmail the US government into concealing the incident and shutting up by threatening to publically reveal the Gate and expose the US as "conspiring with evil aliens who want to destroy Earth", or something. Give it a good PR spin and all that.

[Crazedwraith]

You don't need to get them to nick the actual gate. You just need to tell them about the Antarctic gate. The russians have a DHD in storage that can be used to supercede the American gate.

For assisting the Free Jaffa, just take the staffs, saw off the counterweight, add iron sights and decent handgrips, and trade those in exchange for naquadah and trinium.

Don't the counterweights actually contain the liquid naquadah power source? IIRC Fifth Race correctly. Although your design is similar to the short staffs used by the Jaffa of the Sodan.

[Darth Hoth]

I conspire and defect, taking the risk. At first I'd conjure up some plausible explanation for my actions - like, for example, moving the gate on a ship to some sort of uninhabited faraway island, so that in case someone managed to push through a huge naquadah nuke, the US wouldn't get the massive consequences of that burst in the terms of fallout, etc.

Then come into contact with Russia and try to stage some sort of operation to intercept the gate en route, capturing it.

As the gate doesn't exist, it would be hard to prove anything for the US government without disclosing the details of the operation. So later I can blackmail the US government into concealing the incident and shutting up by threatening to publically reveal the Gate and expose the US as "conspiring with evil aliens who want to destroy Earth", or something. Give it a good PR spin and all that.

I suppose it depends on how desperate they are to regain the portal; naqadah alone should make them realise that it is a truly, extremely vital asset, but in the canon the policymakers appear to treat it as a quirky and bothersome trinket up into the second season at least . . .