Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[The Grim Squeaker]

I'll pass on stories from my current job for fear of a court martial , but something that springs to mind from my old job as a deputy vice executive assistant/lab tech/web site manager/accounts manager/marketeer/design (I was very versatile):

Background: I was new on the job (second week) and was trying to organize the three old websites, to open a new website for customer sales and a promotional one while trying to set up emails and to help transition it from an outhoused server to an inhouse server for emails and an outsourced company running the system the website would be based one:

Me: Well, I talked to the company that used to manage the emails that moved it to the new company and now it should work, they only need to know if
Boss: Don't bother me with that! Just talk to our rep in the old company on how to transfer the site, server, emails, IP, domains to the new companies and their server!
Me:O.k...
(I do so under the instructions of the company rep)
Boss: The emails are down! Fix itFix itFix itFix itFix itFix itFix it!

- Insert paniced scrambling and trying to understand how the fuck the system works and whether we even have a server or not.
The end of it was Boss: Well, you should have known to ask about how we had that website set up with the shared IPs with that website!
Me: So, I was supposed to ask about something I didn't know, couldn't have known, had no reason to ask about, wasn't told about when checking with the old rep, with there being no documentation and the only thing known was you telling me to call the new company? On the first week?
Him: Yes! Exactly!
Me: (Thinks) "I've heard of on the job training, but this is ridicolous".

BTW - My job was not supposed to be that technical, nor did I ever claim that I could do that in the job interview. (Though I taught myself how to push it through and got the websites, domains, emails, etc' working).
Not a fun job. (The story is about 1.8 years old, so i've forgotten most of the details by know including various technical terms involved )

[Korto]

Technical school foundryman

Someone had brought in some magnesium alloy they wanted to use to cast some damn thing or other. We'd never cast magnesium alloy before, were not set up to do so, but we were going to give it a shot.
I spent about half an hour standing over an open furnace throwing sulfur and some patented grey muck, which stunk worse than the sulfur, down onto the metal to stop the magnesium igniting while we're trying to melt it. (The sulfur and muck would scavenge oxygen, so the magnesium couldn't ignite)
Anyway, finally it's melted, and so we pull it out of the furnace, throwing more muck on it all the time, and pour it into the waiting mold. It goes in smooth, and then we see the white glow... The teacher desperately throws more sulfur onto it, but it's too late. FOOM!!! It goes up in a brilliant white, eight foot tall roman fucking candle. The teacher's still there throwing more bloody sulfur and muck onto the bloody thing in complete denial of reality, the room's filling with smoke and the stenches of burning magnesium, muck, and sulfur, you can barely see your hand in front of your face there's so much smoke in the room, and we all just bail out.
So as we're all outside watching smoke billowing from the foundry, I turn to the teacher next to me and say, "Well, that was fun. What's our next trick?"

---------------
One of the students on my blacklist I call "Thumper", due to his way of making molds. He just wants to make as much as he can, as fast as he can, and will take any shortcuts he can find.
One particular time I remember we're pouring the brass into one of his molds (metal approx. 1200C), and then BANG! and the damn metal just explodes, and I'm splattered with molten brass across my gloves, coat, and face-shield, including one large dollop, and you better believe this caught my attention, one large dollop that splattered against the face-shield directly in front of, and less than an inch away from, my right eyeball.
"It blew up!" exclaimed Thumper.
"Yes", I managed between gritted teeth, my view still half obscured by the large black burn mark in front of my right eyeball "It did, didn't it"
Since then, I wear a pair of safety glasses under the shield. It makes me feel better.

------------
We had a new department head, the last one retired. For reasons best summed up as "Bureaucracy", our foundry is part of the Technical Drawing department, so the new head had no real idea of what we do. When we requested a new pot for the furnace, and he finds out this costs about $1000, he comes over to investigate. I point out to him the old pot, these things stand about 3 feet tall,1.5 feet across and the sides are about 2 inches thick at the top.
"So, what's wrong with it?"
I point out the large crack, tell him that over time, with the repeated heating and cooling, heating and cooling, they eventually crack.
"So, can't we fix it?"
At which point my mouth drops open. In my wildest dreams I had never considered trying to repair a carbon and ceramic crucible that reaches temperatures exceeding 900C at the base (where it cracks), and holding about 9 litres of liquid aluminium. What would he suggest, muffler-putty?
"No. We can't fix it"

[LadyTevar]

Phone Rings

Man, obvious India/Mid-East accent: Pardon me ma'am, I am wishing to get my daughter's birth certificate.
Me, not in the office they order those from either way, but trying to help: Ok, sir, when was your daughter born?
Man: Yesterday, in the hospital. I need it for passport for her.
Me, silently cursing the stupidity of people in general : I'm sorry sir, that won't be available for two weeks.

(Snip 5 minutes of repeating variations of the above, with explaination that it TAKES TWO WEEKS for the hospital to get the certificate to us)
Man: Ok. Ok.. Thank you ma'am. *hangs up*


WHILE I AM TYPING THIS, he calls back, saying he's called the hospital and a woman there said it's just been mailed out today, and we "should have it Tuesday". He wants to order it now please.


I told him call back next week when we have it in the office.

[CaptainChewbacca]

This is from a job last year. I'm an on-site scientist for various environmental consulting and cleanup jobs, and this was a particularly difficult one. Cleaning up some very deep soil contamination in a sensitive area, we had to do a chemical oxidation treatment. I had just submitted my final report for phase 1, when the phone rings

Me: Hello?

Supervisor-on-Disability: Hi, I was just looking over the report, and the toxicity numbers are good, but I think we can get them down even faster in phase 2.

Me with a sinking feeling: Oh? How did you want to do that?

Her: Well, right now we're just injecting into wells 2 and 5, but I want to also do simultaneous injections into wells 4 and 9.

Me: ...what? That makes no sense!

Her: Sure it does! Double the volume, double the reaction speed.

Me, no doubting her alleged master's in Geochemistry: Well, I can't recommend that protocol. For one, wells 2 and 5 are four-inch diameter wells and are open for about 15 feet of their lengths. Wells 4 and 9 are one-inch diameter wells, and are screened for one foot. They can't take the volume.

Her: Well just reduce the volume accordingly, its not hard.

Me: Wells 4 and 9 are also gas sampling wells ADJACENT to wells 2 and 4. We'd be injecting into saturated soil, and it wouldn't go any faster.

Her: Inject it under pressure then, we have the equipment.

Me: Are you kidding me? You want to inject a concentrated chemical oxidizer into a carbonate-rich soil UNDER PRESSURE when I'm surrounded by underground oil tanks?

Her: Yes...?

Me: Don't you think the ensuing fireball and shock wave would result in a bigger cleanup situation than we have budgeted for?

Her: *click*

She was fired about 4 weeks later... for being stubborn and not 'team playing'.

[Littlefoot]

Cant wait till Death's EAS, so Ill share one of my service stories.

We are out in BFE Iraq, looking at sand.

Me: Man Im bored. I wish something would go Boom.
Grunt: Hey watch this! (as he dropes down into the back of my vehicle with a big shit-eating grin on his face)
Me: what the fuck?
my sergent: What is he doing?
Grunt comes running out the back of my vehicle with a AT4 launcher we dug up earlier that day.
my sergent: MOTHER FUCKER!
Grunt: Whoohoo! Fooooommmm.........BOOOM
Me: Sweet.

Vehicle type and dates/location omited due to the grunt and my former sergent still being in.

[The Grim Squeaker]

Cant wait till Death's EAS, so Ill share one of my service stories.

I won't share any of the more interesting stories even after my service ends, the temr "diplomatic incident" springs to mind . (Well, the stuff I meant wasn't listed as confidential/secret formally, but there's legal prohibitions, and just plain common sense).

Another story (Dammit, I wish I could use the interesting anecdotes!) :
Important (Capital I) delegation is arriving from a foreign country, bunch of bigwigs with many a rank between them. So important that we don't even handle all of their visit, but only their visit in the IDF colleges, with the rest being with the larger Foreign Relations branch:
After the officers had visited the relevant places in the base, met the generals, met the colonels, professors, etc', and I'd taken a few group photos for documentation and finished products, I and the officer and the additional NCO handling the visit, (all in dress uniform of course) are wiping the sweat off of our brows, finally relaxing that everything went according to plan right down to the liasons from the larger Foreign relations arriving on time with transport to take the group to their next place.
We go off to meet the soldiers, who are there representing the IDF, no, the entire state of Israel to high ranking foreign officers on a formal visit, and who will be accompanying them to various government ministries and for the rest of the trip.

The soldiers were wearing work slacks (field uniforms - much more comfortable, but not as presentable and NOT for use in positions which require representation, ESPECIALLY not when you're representing your entire state), and they had a girl with them from their base wearing what can generously be described as a very short shirt, and can actually be described as ripped minijeans and a bra larger than her actual shirt.
The thoughts "You have to be shitting me, what an farce and embarrasment" ran through my mind. Then she started blowing bubblegum while telling them to follow her to the bus.

Much yelling followed at the girl's home branch, and we weren't at fault, but seriously -
A permit for civilian clothes (which she did have) - Fine and legal. But seriously, some common sense should apply when dressing, even if it isn't Jacket & Tie.

[Littlefoot]

The soldiers were wearing work slacks (field uniforms - much more comfortable, but not as presentable and NOT for use in positions which require representation, ESPECIALLY not when you're representing your entire state), and they had a girl with them from their base wearing what can generously be described as a very short shirt, and can actually be described as ripped minijeans and a bra larger than her actual shirt.
The thoughts "You have to be shitting me, what an farce and embarrasment" ran through my mind. Then she started blowing bubblegum while telling them to follow her to the bus.

Much yelling followed at the girl's home branch, and we weren't at fault, but seriously -
A permit for civilian clothes (which she did have) - Fine and legal. But seriously, some common sense should apply when dressing, even if it isn't Jacket & Tie.

Wow. Just......wow.

I would say that my insulting an entire nation, puplicly, was bad. But WTF, Over? At least mine was caused by uncontroled bowel movement. Did no one stop to look at the troops and thier less then modest female companion? Was she a soldier too?

[The Grim Squeaker]

The soldiers were wearing work slacks (field uniforms - much more comfortable, but not as presentable and NOT for use in positions which require representation, ESPECIALLY not when you're representing your entire state), and they had a girl with them from their base wearing what can generously be described as a very short shirt, and can actually be described as ripped minijeans and a bra larger than her actual shirt.
The thoughts "You have to be shitting me, what an farce and embarrasment" ran through my mind. Then she started blowing bubblegum while telling them to follow her to the bus.

Much yelling followed at the girl's home branch, and we weren't at fault, but seriously -
A permit for civilian clothes (which she did have) - Fine and legal. But seriously, some common sense should apply when dressing, even if it isn't Jacket & Tie.

Wow. Just......wow.

I would say that my insulting an entire nation, puplicly, was bad.

It didn't "insult" them (I wouldn't be mentioning this if it was a real diplomatic incident) but it was immensely inappropiate, embarassing and unproffessional.

But WTF, Over? At least mine was caused by uncontroled bowel movement. Did no one stop to look at the troops and thier less then modest female companion? Was she a soldier too?

She was a soldier too, they had a permit for civilian clothing with them [Though she broke the "guidelines for appropiate civilian clothes in approved situation"]. (I've had it too (temporary civilian clothing permit), or a field uniform permit in certain tours or delegations, in the desert, say or at night. However, my casual clothing involves long sleeves, buttons, and shiny polished shoes, let alone formal civilian clothing ).
We only saw them when we led the officers to them, the thought literally didn't occur to us that someone could come dressed so wildly inappropiately. (Heck, why should it?).

[Littlefoot]

We never had to get a permit to wear civilian clothes, but we were suposed to wear clothes that closly resembled a uniform. Slacks with a belt and a collard shirt tucked in (zipper, buckle, buttons all aligned). But yeah, it would embarass me to be seen like that, and it would insult me if that is the level of importance that they placed on the meating or whatever when me and mine both looked and acted the part of a professional soldier.

[The Grim Squeaker]

We never had to get a permit to wear civilian clothes, but we were suposed to wear clothes that closly resembled a uniform.

We normally work in full dress uniform, I've worn field uniform or civilian clothes very rarely. (Ususally in events that take place after normal service hours, when they show some sympathy - if they're asking you to work till 11pm in the middle of the desert, they sometimes let you do so in a field uniform at the least).

Slacks with a belt and a collard shirt tucked in (zipper, buckle, buttons all aligned).

You're allowed to be on base in that? Nice... Well, you were in a combat position, right? (I'm in a more...diplomatic/non com/representative role

But yeah, it would embarass me to be seen like that, and it would insult me if that is the level of importance that they placed on the meating or whatever when me and mine both looked and acted the part of a professional soldier.

Yup.
As I said, it resulted in much complaining to the proper officerial authorities. (Didn't do jack and shit though).

Another story, it didn't happen to me directly (thank the merciful gods), as it was right before my shift translating, but it happened to someone close to me while I was there:
It was during a conference on the media, complete with a panel of experts being grilled and advising the various senior officers on "The New media! Put a webcamera on top of every soldier's helmet! A thousand news channels! New media!!! Web 2.0! Convergence in social media software!" (Direct quotes ). [This was just before the recent events in Gaza and the IDF youtube channels]
Now, in one of the sections they were discussing misinterpretations in translation (for example, the french ambassador who said that all of Israel had a mental illness and were crazy - apparently it didn't sound as bad in French in context, but resulted in him getting pulled. And the interviewer not getting past his first French exclusive ) -
when one of the foreign officers said:

"For example, I just heard earlier "X Prisoners", but I know you meant "Y" (Something entirely different not involving prisoners), and that's exactly what you were talking about on being translated incorrectly".
An excellent example, apart from the bit where the simultaneous translator just had a flubbed word pointed out in front of dozens of senior officers/the entire year.
10 minutes difference and it would have been me in that shift, and the mistrnaslated word (whatever it was) was a very easy mistake to make (And I don't have a M.A in Linguistics and translation).
The officer later checked whether I'd been translating then, and if so to apologize (And was happy to see we'd "dodged the bullet"). Nice guy, amazing stories, and when he said he'd kill me if I ever told them, I REALLY believe him .

[Kanastrous]

Not from my own professional life, but from my mother's, when she was a medical intern at Cook County General Hospital...

Since CCGH was a teaching hospital, and since they treated a lot of indigent patients, there were a lot of learning opportunities for the interns. One day they're told by their instructor that they'll be assigned patients upon whom they are to perform any non-invasive exam (no oral, no ear/nose/throat, no rectal exams), write it up, and present it to the instructor and the rest of the group.

Now, there's this one guy who's always trying to impress. Always going a little further, always showing off, always trying to attract attention to himself. When it's his turn to present, he stands up and announces, I performed a rectal exam.

The rest of the group kind of gasps, because the instructor is not one to be messed with. And the instructor says, Since you weren't supposed to be doing invasive exams, the supply cabinets in the exam room were locked. So where did you find the vaseline?

Vaseline?

Yes, VASELINE. To put on your GLOVE!

Glove?

[Ryan Thunder]

Glove?

Surely he was joking.

[Kanastrous]

Not according to my Mom.

[The Grim Squeaker]

Not according to my Mom.

She didn't think to complain before he stuck his hand in?

[Kanastrous]

I'm going to find you, and hurt you.

[tim31]

HINT: He's in the Middle East

[Littlefoot]

Im on perma-hold with walmart right now..........god I miss blowing shit up.

[The Yosemite Bear]

this morning

*Bear snoozing recovering from common cold*
*Phone Rings*
Me: hello?
Angry Associate: I didn't get paid for president's day, I want you down here now to fix it.
Me: It was Monday, you don't get paid for holidays until the fallowing week.
AA: are you sure?
Me: Yes, that's the way it's always been.
AA: Ok

(Isn't being a union Represenitive fun?)
Profanity snipped due to me not remembering it all, due to being half asleep.

[The Grim Squeaker]

A short summary of my first work story (the one about my old job and the company sites/emails/servers ging down on my second week on the unrelated job):

Boss: You should have known to ask me about that! [Technical stuff relating to the arrangements]
Me: But I couldn't have possibly known, or known to ask about that, (And I wasn't told).
Boss: You should have asked me about what you didn't know!
Me: So, I should have asked detailed questions on the specifics of what I didn't know, about what I didn't know, without knowing about what I don't know?
Boss: Yes, exactly! You should have known to ask about that, even if you didn't know about that to ask about!
Me:...

(Yes, "You should have asked about that thing you don't know, and didn't know you that you didn't know about" (Not asking about something I should have known, but purely new, unrelated, untold knowledge) is a quote. Really crappy job. (And no, it really wasn't a case of "you should have known to ask about X", trust me.)

[Kanastrous]

Fuck, do you work for a Donald Rumsfeld impersonator...?

[Tiriol]

She was fired about 4 weeks later... for being stubborn and not 'team playing'.

I seem to recall you telling about this person. Wasn't there a thread about it?

[Edi]

She was fired about 4 weeks later... for being stubborn and not 'team playing'.

I seem to recall you telling about this person. Wasn't there a thread about it?

Yes, there was.

[SCRawl]

There was this time during my last permanent job, as a buyer/inventory control guy/ in a small manufacturing company. The owner was a pretty sharp guy, but was rather impatient and used his position (and significant physical presence) to intimidate people.

Anyways, I had submitted a report detailing what I'd bought on my company credit card, and he called me into his office to discuss it. The item that he wanted to discuss, in particular, was some 1" diameter rope that was used as the core for that velvet rope that you see in places like banks and theatres. I'd had trouble locating it -- we had no records about where we'd bought it before, and no one could help me figure out where to find it again. (This was the sort of thing that repeated itself over and over -- my predecessors had bad record-keeping habits.)

Boss: "I told you that this stuff should cost about a dollar per foot."
Me: "Yes, I know."
Boss: "So why did you pay three dollars per foot for it?"
Me: "I didn't. It came to about a dollar per foot, freight in."
Boss: "Bullshit!"

(At this point, he's yelling at me, and everyone in the office can clearly hear me getting dressed down.)

Me: "If you look at the next page, you'll see the second shipment from the manufacturer. It was a total of about 800 feet, and it cost us about $800."
Boss: {Turns page, does some mental math.} "Oh. Okay, that'll be all."
Me: {Leaves}

In his defence, he did publicly apologize to me -- sort of -- a couple of days later.

---

At a previous job, I was the Mr. Everything of the office, as it was an even smaller operation. I'd ascended to that position from the shop floor, as I was the only educated person in the place. The boss in this case was a complete lush. He'd had his license suspended six times for the equivalent of DUI, and had nearly killed himself the year prior to this conversation. Anyways, I was supposed to go with him to see a potential customer the next day.

Me: "Joe, if I'm going to be doing this, I need you to be straight tomorrow. I'm not visiting these guys with you if you're loaded."
Boss: "Fine, see you tomorrow morning."

{The boss arrives the next day, and he's half in the bag.}

Me: "I told you yesterday I wasn't going to do this if you were loaded."
Boss: "What? I stopped drinking at 2am!"

Against my better judgment, I went on the road trip. He was next to useless, and when I stopped for lunch at Wendy's he volunteered to wait in the truck. When I got back, he was drinking a beer he'd brought with him, and while driving back to the shop he kept bugging me to let him open another one. Eventually...

Boss: "Fuck it, I'm gonna drink it."
Me: "You open that beer, and I'm pulling over. You can walk back to the shop (about 30km, give or take, and we were on the highway)."

He didn't open that beer, but was into it as soon as we came to a stop at the workplace. He fired me a couple of years later, and ate his gun about a year after that.

[The Grim Squeaker]

Fuck, do you work for a Donald Rumsfeld impersonator...?

He actually spent a good half hour practicing ways to fire people in front of a mirror after he saw that show . (I set up the mirror and lighting).
He rehired a few people, after firing before they'd been in the job for over 6 months (after which they'd have gained rights in the case of being fired), then fired them again.
Funniest case was a dude who kept crying about how he needed the money to feed his dog, who was eating him out of house and home. hehe.

EDIT: Oops, thought you wrote Donald Trump.

[Pulp Hero]

I was going to put this in the Mess, but I figured that stupidity is rampant in both civilian and military life.

My recent experience:

I am in charge of in-processing new soldiers in my unit. This includes writing up a form for a standard background check and giving to the civilian administration contractors at the MP station. They keep it for a day or two while they do the background check, and then I go back and pick up the forms with the approval signatures on them.

Well my unit is very small, and we are a detachment on the base with our chain of command running from a different base. Often our paperwork and mail gets misfiled or lost.

I went to the MP station to pick up a pair of background checks. The woman looking can not find them, and I eventually go and ask the woman who actually conducts the checks where she filed them. This second woman is a complete and utter bitch who does not know but suspects that she put them with a brigade on post that has just picked up their file. I explain that we are not part of that brigade and ask why she filed the papers like that. She doesn't give me a straight answer, questions my authority to pick up paperwork (I've been doing this for over a year now) ), and just keeps telling me to go see this other unit.

I stay calm, and thinking of the future soldiers that I will have to in-process, suggest that my company gets its own folder, since we do checks often and they are always getting misplaced (and now, lost). She says that it can't be done without "proper guidance" and suggests I talk to a Master Sergeant at the MP station about it. Basic translation - "Fuck off and don't bother me."

I show up the next day and ask if there are any civilians I can talk to about this folder. No. I then ask to see the Master Sergeant in charge. He is out at a Ceremony.

I showed up today and asked to see him. Turns out he is not a Master Sergeant- he is a Sergeant Major. I wait in the office for him to finish talking to a Colonel and then am lead in. I explain the whole situation to him. He tells me he will talk it over with the civilians and see if they can find a solution, and that I should come back later.

All this over wanting a goddamn single labeled manila folder. I think I may end up talking to the Secretary of Defense if this keeps up.