Dennis Miller on the death of class

Alex Moon · Post by **Alex Moon** » 2003-02-04 07:09pm

http://www.hbo.com/dml/#

Death of Class
3/29/02

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here but while there are still people in this country who have class, more and more Americans are freeing themselves from its bonds and celebrating their inner mullet.

But that's nothing new. The 13 colonies were the place that the loners, the losers, and the wanderers came to escape the rules and the formalities of the European continent. And what better way to get back at the Europeans for centuries of criticism and snobbery on the matters of culture and class than putting the Eiffel Tower on the Vegas strip?

Seriously, you want to see Americans with class, go to an all-u-can-eat buffet restaurant. My favorite is the family of four box-shaped individuals, one has side-burns, three don't, who barrel in wearing matching pre-stained jogging suits and high-fiving each other when they score a table within arms reach of the food barges. They line up and bow before the adversary like sumo wrestlers, then engage in a five-minute flurry of polyester and animal fat that would make John Waters wince. They then mule-train back to base camp and proceed to dig in like trapped miners running out of air. After 20 solid minutes of communicative grunting, only briefly interrupted to spit gravy on a napkin fire started by cutlery sparks, the sated quartet of carbo-toadies pushes back from the table, chair legs screeching like a stopping train, eyes the dessert bar, and lets out a long, loud, hauntingly harmonious burp so filled with yearning that it would bring tears to the eyes of an opera critic. Then the one with side-burns says, "Does my lady care for jello?" Now that's class.

And let's stop pretending anyone cares about finding the perfect wine in America, okay? It's really easy. Screw-off cap for company, boxed wine for leisure. Strawberry Zinfandel goes with Filet o' Fish or Chicken McNuggets while Boone's Blackberry Ridge should be reserved for McRibb or a Quarter Pounder. America's ripe with slobs who won't drink any wine unless it's so sweet, every time they take a sip they look up to see if the Kool-aid man is crashing through the wall.

But I will admit, even I was a little taken aback by the crass commercialism of "Celebrity Boxing." Not the event itself, but the way they put ads for an online casino on the backs of the boxers. Is nothing sacred?

What's wrong with celebrity boxing? Who wouldn't be fascinated by the thrilling spectacle of two potato-shaped former child stars pounding the life out of each other just for a few extra nanoseconds in the spotlight? Some say it points to the downfall of society, but I say, "Let's see more blood." Why not exchange those boxing gloves with bags of broken glass. Then we'll see how cocky that Bonaduce kid gets when Greg Brady swings that deathbag like a transvestite resisting arrest. Okay, maybe it's not Masterpiece theatre, but it could be if we could convince Dame Judy Dench to duke it out against Maggie Smith.

I don't understand the popularity of these fucking subtitled foreign films. Hey, if I wanted to read a book, I'd buy one on tape.

When I was growing up I always thought the perfect example of class was Jane Hathaway from The Beverly Hillbillies. There was just something about the way she kept her equanimity no matter how poorly Mr. Drysdale's craven behavior reflected on the bank. Later I realized Ms. Hathaway kept everything close to the vest because if she let it all go she'd be trying to talk Miss Ellie into sharing a hotel room in Palm Springs for the Dinah Shore golf classic and they'd have to cancel the show.

Folks, there's no escaping it. We are Americans. Our houses are on wheels, our sofas are on our porch, our frying pans are filled with Steak-ums, our Sears denim jackets are Bedazzled, our front yard bathtubs are filled with the Virgin Mary, our driveways are littered with broken Big Wheels, our dogs have three legs, our back yards have satellite dishes bigger than our house, our cigarettes don't have filters, our old tires are used as planters and our love of God and country is so strong we are even willing to miss bowling for a night to stay home and help our neighbors get their house back up on the cinderblocks. We're all just one "Sexiest Grandpa" T-shirt-purchase away from returning to our glorious hick roots.

If we want to be honest with ourselves, we simply must stop using the stigmatizing term "white trash." Because, let's face it, this nation has more colors of trash than Elton John's dumpster. People of all races, creeds and national origins have assimilated into this great American melting FryDaddy through the vigorous exercise of the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of crappiness. You give me an immigrant from any thousand-year-old, refined, sophisticated culture and I guarantee you, by week's end, we will have him throwing a forehead-crushed beer can at the TV set during WWF Smackdown, yelling, "Dat ees focking boolsheet!"

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

HemlockGrey · Post by **HemlockGrey** » 2003-02-04 07:16pm

I stand in awe.

Admiral Valdemar · Post by **Admiral Valdemar** » 2003-02-04 07:19pm

I think the guy's a fucktard with too much time on his hands. At least on first reading.

HemlockGrey · Post by **HemlockGrey** » 2003-02-04 07:21pm

You know you love it.

Admiral Valdemar · Post by **Admiral Valdemar** » 2003-02-04 07:21pm

HemlockGrey wrote:You know you love it.

I love Jack Chick but for all the wrong reasons.

Sokar · Post by **Sokar** » 2003-02-04 07:38pm

Dennis Miller is a tiny God......
Give it a min and then re-read it, sometimes the pop and classical culture refrences fly past so quick you miss it.....

Stormbringer · Post by **Stormbringer** » 2003-02-04 07:40pm

Admiral Valdemar wrote:
HemlockGrey wrote:You know you love it.
I love Jack Chick but for all the wrong reasons.

What the hell does Jack Chick have to do with this? That's by Dennis Miller and sadly he's pretty much right. America is becoming more and more loutish as we speak.

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2003-02-04 08:57pm

It's sad, but true, which is part of why it's funny.

Pistolero · Post by **Pistolero** » 2003-02-04 10:42pm

Dennis Miller is as close to God as you'll ever get.

kojikun · Post by **kojikun** » 2003-02-04 11:24pm

Miller and Carlin.. Theres a team I'd love to see..

SAMAS · Post by **SAMAS** » 2003-02-05 09:36am

Zealots
3/01/2002

Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but if religion is the opiate of the masses, then religious zealots are the crack addicts.

The great struggle in the world right now is not between Islam and the West, or between wealthy nations and poor ones. It's between religious tolerance and religious fanaticism. It's between the notion of God as a warm, loving, father figure like Bing Crosby in "The Bells of St. Mary's," and an angry, vengeful, frightening one like Bing Crosby in real life.

Part of the problem is that the doctrine of many religions requires believers to constantly recruit new members. Hey, can't I even go to the Home Depot without some holy-roller accosting me with his prayer pamphlets and spiritual pie charts in the hopes of saving my soul? Listen, Marjo, let me save you some time. I'm in show business. My soul took the redeye outta here years ago.

Dangerous though they are, thankfully, most religious zealots are easy to spot. It's the twitchy cabbie with the monobrow who seems a little too eager to take you to the airport, it's the Christian mommy making s'mores at the book-burning, and it's the slack-jawed weekend bow-hunter who sees an abortion clinic, and flies into a spittle-flecked rage like Bobby Knight getting cut off on the freeway.

Most religious zealots start out simply as people devastated by tragic circumstances and left groping for answers. And that unfortunate point of departure perpetually clouds their judgement. You're a zealot if you can't see the blinding irony inherent in using force to convince other people that your belief about the unknowable is more accurate than their belief in the unknowable. I'm pretty sure the Donner party wasn't even that misguided.

Some religious zealots act like the code of morality they claim to be upholding can be temporarily shelved when it gets in the way of their more immediate goals. Like these supposed "pro-lifers" who kill doctors. Hey, we may not all agree on when life begins, but we sure as shit do agree on when it ends. It's not called the "Ten Commandments And One Hundred Footnotes."

Why is it that when applied to religion, the word "Fundamentalist" almost always takes on a meaning completely opposite of the commonly accepted one? I mean how do you get the word "fun damental" when you're looking at a tattooed, pot-bellied chain-smoker whipping a hissing rattle snake around like Prince's microphone cord while screaming in unintelligible tongues like a Ubange warrior with Tourette's Syndrome?

Nowadays, the Taliban lea d off the "Who's no longer who" of religious zealots. These are the guys who celebrate by firing guns into the air while screaming "God is Great," which if you think about it, is a pretty fucked up way of showing your appreciation to the beloved entity re siding in the Heavens. "Sorry I wasn't able to help out with that flood folks, but I was pinned down by crossfire because some asshole's goat broke a fever."

These days, the Boss Hawg of the Christian right is the Reverend Jerry Falwell, a man whose ass is as wide as his mind is narrow. Hey, Jerry --If you get any bigger, Hindus are going to start worshipping you. There's a difference between following Jesus and stalking him.

There are people on earth who start cults by claiming to be gods or have a direct link to them. Before you give up your entire life to follow them, check out their resumes and see how one summer they went from a clerk at Pep Boy's to a deity named MAN-MOE-JACK after being laid off for shoplifting fir tree air fresheners.

Exp erts warn that a cult transforms from the merely oddball to the potentially dangerous when it begins to display such warning signs as a belief in the close proximity of an apocolypse, and the desire to trigger that apocolypse through violent and destructi ve acts. If that's too much to remember, just try my simple tip: the instant someone tells you that God wants you to cut off your balls, get the hell out of there. Trust me. I've spoken to God, and he doesn't want you to cut off your balls. The most he wo uld possibly ask is that you occasionally lower them into a bowling ball cleaner and buff them to glossy shine.

Its perfectly understandable to discover the roots of your religion and want to share it with everyone you meet. By the same token please und erstand the basic tenets of my religion which specifically proscribe that should you knock on my door, corner me on an elevator, or sit next to me on a flight yammering on and on about how your way is the right way I am morally obligated by the elderes of my church to tell you to shut the fuck up. Can I get an Amen?

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

Admiral Valdemar · Post by **Admiral Valdemar** » 2003-02-05 09:49am

Hmm, I see.

He has the same end line all the time too it seems. Can't really knock someone who speaks their mind I guess.

Pistolero · Post by **Pistolero** » 2003-02-05 02:58pm

"I've spoken to God, and he doesn't want you to cut off your balls. The most he would possibly ask is that you occasionally lower them into a bowling ball cleaner and buff them to glossy shine. "

The guy is a poet. One of life's greatest truths, right alongside "Charmin snakes with no snake is just whistlin' at a basket".

But I bet he got that quote from the Baable... NOT!

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-02-05 03:09pm

Dennis Miller annoys the fuck out of me.

Slayen · Post by **Slayen** » 2003-02-05 03:46pm

Man, i wish Miller still had his show on HBO. I love his rants.

Pistolero · Post by **Pistolero** » 2003-02-05 03:50pm

Slayen wrote:Man, i wish Miller still had his show on HBO. I love his rants.

WTF??? Has he been cancelled? WHEN??? BLASPHEMY!!! (I have not had HBO for a couple of years now, but his was one of my favorite shows)

Slayen · Post by **Slayen** » 2003-02-05 03:51pm

CyberMacGyver wrote:
Slayen wrote:Man, i wish Miller still had his show on HBO. I love his rants.
WTF??? Has he been cancelled? WHEN??? BLASPHEMY!!! (I have not had HBO for a couple of years now, but his was one of my favorite shows)

The last ep was mid last year, i think August.

Pistolero · Post by **Pistolero** » 2003-02-05 03:53pm

Slayen wrote:
CyberMacGyver wrote:
Slayen wrote:Man, i wish Miller still had his show on HBO. I love his rants.
WTF??? Has he been cancelled? WHEN??? BLASPHEMY!!! (I have not had HBO for a couple of years now, but his was one of my favorite shows)
The last ep was mid last year, i think August.

NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-02-05 03:59pm

Zaia wrote:Dennis Miller annoys the fuck out of me.

Really? I think he's a damned comic genius. Oh well ...

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2003-02-05 06:14pm

Slayen wrote:
CyberMacGyver wrote:
Slayen wrote:Man, i wish Miller still had his show on HBO. I love his rants.
WTF??? Has he been cancelled? WHEN??? BLASPHEMY!!! (I have not had HBO for a couple of years now, but his was one of my favorite shows)
The last ep was mid last year, i think August.

What are they showing instead? I mean, who could possibly have as humorous and insightful rants as he does?

Drewcifer · Post by **Drewcifer** » 2003-02-06 01:19am

"stop me before I sub-reference again!"

The Dark · Post by **The Dark** » 2003-02-06 01:42am

Nowadays, the Taliban lead off the "Who's no longer who" of religious zealots. These are the guys who celebrate by firing guns into the air while screaming "God is Great," which if you think about it, is a pretty fucked up way of showing your appreciation to the beloved entity residing in the Heavens. "Sorry I wasn't able to help out with that flood folks, but I was pinned down by crossfire because some asshole's goat broke a fever."

I'd always thought firing guns to show religious zelaotry was both stupid and a waste of ammo. Of course, someone needs to show Miller some of the stuff Phelps has written...Falwell might get knocked out of that article next time.

Knife · Post by **Knife** » 2003-02-06 02:03am

Dennis Miller was the reason I had HBO. Now I am seriously thinking of kanking HBO, but I do think he was tired of his show and I am glad he ended it before it started to suck.

Gil Hamilton · Post by **Gil Hamilton** » 2003-02-06 05:54am

I think that Dennis Miller is possibly one of the most hilarious men on the scene right now and thought provoking as well.

Kosh_The_Vorlon · Post by **Kosh_The_Vorlon** » 2003-02-06 08:03am

You're a zealot if you can't see the blinding irony inherent in using force to convince other people that your belief about the unknowable is more accurate than their belief in the unknowable.

Classic!